Buying a house with in-laws

[ohmyohmy123]

My in-laws are in their 80's - both DH and I work full time and have children, pets etc. we live quite close and try our best to support them. They are now at the point that they need regular care which is difficult as we take turns to visit each evening but they are isolated and lonely and it's hard work to try to leave - they find jobs for us to do or complain we've not been there long enough.

DH sibling lives too far and sees them once a month so it's all on us.

They have a cleaner and a gardener but complain about having to pay people when they have family near by. They expect my children to support with gardening etc (they are 12 & 14 and do lots of extra curricular activities so rarely get time. They do small
Jobs like putting their bins out each week but with 2 hours of homework each evening and their clubs I don't feel it's fair to expect more from them.

I cook at their house twice a week to ensure they see us all together but it's not enough for them and they still complain they haven't seen us.

I have seen a house big enough to house us all to enable us to care for them whilst having our own space. It would mean them giving the money from their house sale to help fund it.

I have discussed this at length and father in law is on board- however mil is saying that it isn't fair to sibling as they should have half of the house sale. Whilst I appreciate this - we can mortgage partially to cover it. Sibling is quite precious about it and everything has to be "fair" so they wouldn't be happy about it incase we got more than them.

For example in laws wanted to help us buy our first marital home but sibling complained so they had to half the money between us.

DH says they won't do it because sibling would be unhappy etc. To me it's not about money but about quality of my time. Preparing meals, cleaning, gardening etc whilst raising my children and cooking, cleaning in my own house. It they lived with us it would be easier for me and I know that's selfish for me - but DH expects me to pick up the slack as his job is more physically demanding (mine is mentally demanding).

It is affecting the relationship with my own family as my own mother is on her own and has needs but I always have to prioritise in laws so my mum misses out on my time. I still manage her money, do her shopping etc but she then feels guilty asking for help as
She knows I'm stretched.

I don't really know what I want from this thread - time management advice? Tell me to man up and make DH do the care for his parents, suck it up and get on with it?!

We live next door to elderly PIL, and if you must move I’d recommend that more than sharing. I don’t care how this sounds, I don’t want to be 24/7 care and I need time away from the complaining and the finger snapping. MIL has dementia and is lovely but hard work, but FIL has decided to stop walking and be served. We have a similarly distant sibling who is fully prepared to inherit, but visits when it suits his life. He tries I think, but it’s easy to not have to come when we’re next door. Everyone has an opinion on how things should be but consider what you want. That matters. Don’t give more of yourself than you can sustain without becoming resentful. Their expectations are not reasonable. They are blinkered and wholly selfish. Look after yourself too.

It becomes exhausting and I really feel for you.
Ideally it would be better for them to downsize to a 1 bed with a little patio area that takes minimum maintenance
The sibling needs to step up fair means fair accross the board which means doing your fair share not just taking your fairshare.
Try some charities such as age UK and other companies such as social prescribing through he G.P they offer befriending etc even an hour chatting with a befriended frees you up for an hour.
Local councils usually have a service where they will get the bin for the elderly and vulnerable give them a ring and see if you can register them for this service.

Well done for starting the put boundaries for yourself in place op.

Lots of good advice on this thread. Keep looking after yourself and don't be guilted and bullied into being an unpaid skivvy for your demanding in laws. Their needs are not your problem to solve.

Your husband, sibling and parents in law are absolutely taking the piss.

Well, next time your dh has a go or suggests you do more you have your answer. ‘You and your sibling were both over and you still let your mum cook dinner - either she is in great form and doesn’t need me or you are a pair of selfish assholes. Next time you can say firmly surely <sibling> can cook mum. Instead of not saying anything and coming home suggesting I do it!!

Disaster and it would not be far on sibling/s either. Is there is bit of grasping going on with an eye to the main chance? My opinion and as you say everyone is entitled to an opinion.

NC as too outing. Do not do it - several horrific years in this trap and I no longer have a valid opinion on anything in my own home. DH, MIL and SIL now have only opinions that count - even in my own kitchen where I do everything. All family members (DH side) while pointing out that they would never put up with it are happy to say that I have too. I am writing them ALL off.

That sounds horrific! Poor you 🌷

What a wonderful DIL these people have. You are doing your utmost with the situation but do be careful and really think it before you sell up and merge.
You are doing so much, not about being fair, but about dealing with the situation in hand in the best way with what you have. Others need to take heed and acknowledge that. But will they? Take care. X

Been in a similar situation -let's just say you went ahead with your plan (I agree with the others don't do it!) but how can a sibling expect half the inheritance when they aren't doing half the care! Baffles me.

In contrast, it looks like my own brother may end up living with my parents. I don't live too far away and I will do what I can to help. They aren't elderly yet but I already do a lot of admin, online shopping etc - but just the mere fact that my brother may live with them (even if he doesn't do anything for them eg cooking cleaning or personal care), my other sibling and I have already said we would be happy for that brother to get a little more.

If my brother got married, I wouldn't expect his wife to cook and clean for my parents, even if they lived together.

Anyway, back to the moral of the story. I would encourage everyone to lookafter their own parents. You'll never get thanks or credit for sacrificing your time with your own family to help out with inlaws.

It's very kind of you OP to have done what you already have done for them. Hope you can find a better solution for you all.

Thank you @Noyesnoyes

We had a non relative we cared for because family couldn't be arsed. She was widowed young no children. My in-laws took her under their wing because she was lovely.

When in-laws died we took over. Saw a lot of her. Still her own family ignored her. She fell ill with cancer for the second time, went into care. We were named executors when she died.

She left every penny to cancer research bar 5k to her cleaner. The relatives were fuming.

Cancer research were really nasty to us when the house took a year to sell in a recession, they'll never see a penny from us. We organised the auction of everything taking nothing bar one photograph of her which was of no value to anyone else.

@ohmyohmy123 you can work yourself to the bone for your in laws but really it's your husband and his brother who need to step up

Op can I just say you do way way way enough as it is. Whatever happens I hope someone says to you you’re bloody brilliant x

I can see the benefits of multi generation living for young families ie children under 12. Grandparents on hand to keep an eye on kids. While Grandparents get lots of support.
But I also think the Grandparents could be guilty of medeliing with the parents decisions and their views on how children should be raised.

I really struggle to see the benefits for families with older children / young adults. The parents no longer benefit from live in babysitters.
The grandparents get irritated by the general noise level, kids on xboxes, loud music, dodgy music practice, young adults coming home late / middle of the night. Bringing friends back becomes a no no.

Please enlighten me to the benefits.

To be fair I only know a few families who have done it right through to the children leaving home and they've all struggled.

Don't go buying a house with them! That's for sure!

That's actually quite a shitty thing for her to have done. Given you were carers etc she could have left you something as a way of thanks as well as the cleaner.

I've never been so disgusted at such self pitying whinging. You would rather neglect your own mum to prioritise someone else's parents. You let your children's worth be valued as what free labour they can provide for them. You seem to want support or sympathy from strangers while putting your children and mum at the bottom of the heap where your priorities clearly are. Do you ever give your lone mum a thought while you're visiting, helping, cooking meals and eating as a family with this pair? Stop with the matyr act and look to yourself for the obvious solution.

Buying a home together would make your lives harder not easier. They're demanding already they'll end up expecting you all to be their live in full time carers if they lived with you all. They already expect your kids to do jobs for them to avoid paying for services. They have each other they're not lonely they're hugely self entitled. If the husbands sibling demands fairness they can bloody well do their fair share of helping out their parents. You have jobs and a family to care for without the stress of pandering to their demands. Your kids are teenagers and don't need the stress of being pressured and guilted into doing stuff for their entitled grandparents

Of course they don't see it! but also, your dh can't not see it and insist you do everything for them, that's absurd. Well done for asserting your boundaries, these people don't appreciate your time.

Do you get much family time?

I'm glad you got to spend time with your mum, remind your dh she may not have 'much time left' and you want to spend more time with her.

I always tell my children "you don't owe your parents anything" and on that note, you sure don't owe your PIL anything at all! They are using you and so is your DH sibling. Tell your DH that you are no longer going to run yourself ragged and he needs to make other arrangements for them or let them sort themselves out. A huge 'hell nooooo' to living with them too - you would become their 24/7 carer/maid/servant. Life is too short for you to be wasting what precious time you have left looking after somebody else's parents. You deserve time and space for your own life.

Don’t do it! We once started the process with my own mother but thankfully decided not to go ahead. I realise as she’s got older (and more demanding) it would’ve been disastrous! Help them a bit if you have time, or in an emergency, but prioritise your own family. Otherwise it’s not fair on you OR more importantly your kids

sorry, haven't had time to read all the threads here so apologies if this has already been covered but I know from experience how much it costs to put elderly relatives in care homes, anything up to £4000-£5000 a month EACH for really good ones! Perhaps, do a bit of research on the cost of a) getting additional help in to the home for the in laws (I know they don't want this but just cost it out), and b) getting them into a really good assisted accommodation place. Work this out as an annual amount and then again, google life expectancy for a man and women in your area (it can differ by postcode so do check). Then bottom line each option in terms of likely cost to them. You will have to have a conversation, preferably with sibling, hubby and in laws all at the same time about how much time you are currently spending helping (again, actually work this out x-time in cooking, x-time shopping etc) and explain that you have your own mother to help and simply can't continue to provide the assistance you have been in the same way moving forward. Then discuss the options of you moving them in with you (don't worry about space at this point) and how many of those paying 'jobs' will now be done for them. Now have the discussion about how this works financially, ask sibling whether they are happy to consider selling parents house to fund assisted accommodation or downsize them to cover the costs of additional in home care. Also suggest that if they don't like the idea of you 'benefitting' from an arrangement where you get a bigger home in exchange for looking after them, then you and hubby are quite happy to forgo YOUR 'inheritance' and let THEM move their parents into a bigger home with THEM so they can then take over the care and allow you your time back to look after your own Mum (this last one is usually the clincher). In my line of work we see so many 'battles' like this and I find pure logic and the option for the 'hurt' party to take the weight usually does the trick. And if it doesn't you may well need to stand by your word for a while and reduce your assistance to 1 or 2 visits per week (I'd go with I'll come Monday and Thursday before I visit my Mum to do the same thing so they know clearly this is a timed visit where you'll do certain jobs/chores for them and then you need to leave). Just as a final note, whilst we all hope our children might help in our old age, there is no requirement for you to be running yourself ragged for your in-laws, you just need to make sure your husband understands this too!

Don't do it

I@ohmyohmy123 how are things? Hope you managed to stick your ground!

@ohmyohmy123