Buying a house with in-laws

[ohmyohmy123]

My in-laws are in their 80's - both DH and I work full time and have children, pets etc. we live quite close and try our best to support them. They are now at the point that they need regular care which is difficult as we take turns to visit each evening but they are isolated and lonely and it's hard work to try to leave - they find jobs for us to do or complain we've not been there long enough.

DH sibling lives too far and sees them once a month so it's all on us.

They have a cleaner and a gardener but complain about having to pay people when they have family near by. They expect my children to support with gardening etc (they are 12 & 14 and do lots of extra curricular activities so rarely get time. They do small
Jobs like putting their bins out each week but with 2 hours of homework each evening and their clubs I don't feel it's fair to expect more from them.

I cook at their house twice a week to ensure they see us all together but it's not enough for them and they still complain they haven't seen us.

I have seen a house big enough to house us all to enable us to care for them whilst having our own space. It would mean them giving the money from their house sale to help fund it.

I have discussed this at length and father in law is on board- however mil is saying that it isn't fair to sibling as they should have half of the house sale. Whilst I appreciate this - we can mortgage partially to cover it. Sibling is quite precious about it and everything has to be "fair" so they wouldn't be happy about it incase we got more than them.

For example in laws wanted to help us buy our first marital home but sibling complained so they had to half the money between us.

DH says they won't do it because sibling would be unhappy etc. To me it's not about money but about quality of my time. Preparing meals, cleaning, gardening etc whilst raising my children and cooking, cleaning in my own house. It they lived with us it would be easier for me and I know that's selfish for me - but DH expects me to pick up the slack as his job is more physically demanding (mine is mentally demanding).

It is affecting the relationship with my own family as my own mother is on her own and has needs but I always have to prioritise in laws so my mum misses out on my time. I still manage her money, do her shopping etc but she then feels guilty asking for help as
She knows I'm stretched.

I don't really know what I want from this thread - time management advice? Tell me to man up and make DH do the care for his parents, suck it up and get on with it?!

Just stop! Focus on your children. Spend time with your parents. You are on the verge of a burnout. DH and sibling need to sort stuff out for their parents or plus the parents can pay for support

None of this factors in the time you are giving to support your in laws that your DH and his sibling aren't.

I think you are doing too much, and they need to look at getting carers in to help. That's a really hard conversation, but it's one that is needed.

Do not move them in. If they were undemanding, grateful and there wasn't a penny counting sibling - maybe it would work. This looks like absolute disaster.

So the answer is No she hasn't a clue how little time you have on your hands.

And she's probably forgotten what it was like to even work if its 20 years ago.

You need to make yourself 'less available' a common tactic is to have somewhere else to be.
I need to collect / drop child at x time
I need to be home for food delivery a y time.
I need to walk dog before dark.
I need to get to gym class at z time.

They are keen to have you do jobs, do those jobs really need done?
Why are you doing them an not the cleaner or the gardener?

I could swear blind my ILs used to dream jobs up for DH to do when we visited. He put a stop to it when he realised how ridiculous it was becoming.
We used to joke, we have got an invitation round on Sunday, when's the call coming to bring the tools?

I hope you find the courage to just stop pandering to these people. For the love of god do not move them in with you. Your husband has to step up now or insist they pay for help, or he won't have a marriage left.

@Outthedoor24 I swear they make up jobs too!! They have DH changing plug holes, fixing leaky appliances, fitting blinds etc whereas they used to pay for these things to be done by professionals!

This thread has been an epiphany for me - I'm not blooming doing it anymore!!

Also....when sibling visits them....guess who does the cooking?! What a mug!!

OP "Fil does not want to ever go in a home and it's been the unwritten rule that we will care for him. " Unwritten by whom, him? That' snot how life works. He can't expect this care from you. You are under no obligation to provide it.

"In-laws will count the time I'm there, get me to go up the loft, change the bedding, do some weeding, help with an online shop etc. it's like they save everything up so that I'm unable to leave."

Of course they do, they see it as their right to use your services as they want. You need to stand up to them. Say you cannot do XYZ. Give a reason, don't give a reason. I wonder if you and your dh can have a serious talk and provide a united front to your inlaws.

"In an ideal world I would work part time and have more time for them all - but it doesn't work like that and I have to work full time for financial reasons."

That would not be ideal for you though! What would be ideal for you is to enjoy these years of your life, spend time with your mum, your kids, your dh, do what you want to do. Not provide assistance for grumpy, entitled relatives!

Just a final word for now. DO NOT buy a house with your inlaws, do not move in with them, or promise to or even suggest you might. Squash that idea now. If you want to move house, more further away and suggest they move nearer their other child. Do not make it any easier for them to take advantage of your golden heart. XXXX

Your children do not deserve to have to live with these people, who will be constantly judging them, interfering with your parenting, and generally being on their case.

Christ, this seals it! They're mugging you off big time. So glad you can see it now. They can cook for themselves then and pay for tradespeople, as they've proven themselves perfectly capable of doing. And don't go backing down if they have a sudden decline. They've cried wolf and used up all your goodwill for caring. Get back to your own life, kids and mum. They've created this issue themselves.

Preparing meals, cleaning, gardening etc whilst raising my children and cooking, cleaning in my own house. It they lived with us it would be easier for me and I know that's selfish for me

@ohmyohmy123 Believe me - it will NOT make your life easier ( and it wouldn't have been selfish of you, thinking that way even if it did) but it absolutely will make everything 1000% worse as they get ever older. You won't get the space you want if you have them living in the same house ( even in some kind of annex). They will simply invade any space you try to keep to yourself. They are putting pressure on you to see more of you - and whatever you give them is never enough. Your family life will be completely wrecked.

My elderly mother was exactly the same in her 80's - and that was before she needed much help. She was still able to drive and get out under her own steam until she was 89. Always complaining that we didn't see her enough, and she was on her own. If the In Laws are doing this now it will be a nightmare if they move in. They have each other right now

If they are now needing regular care, then they need carers, that they may need to pay for, not expect family to run themselves into the ground. If they are not actually needing regular carers, then they are just trying to emotionally blackmail your DH and you into doing what they want you to do, without any thought for you and your family.

I was on my knees after 4 years of trying to help my Mother until she died age 93, when she did eventually need a lot of support to live at home. Please rethink this.

That doesn't have anything to do with the inheritance/financial aspect, which would also be a minefield and you would need legal advice on that too

OP I think your willingness to care for your in laws is great.

This might be controversial but I think any child that cares for their elderly parent does deserve more inheritance than their siblings. I don't live close to my parents and they are not needing care now but if they do in the future and one of my siblings provide it then certainly they should get more inheritance than me. It makes sense, otherwise the care will have to be paid from their estate and any inheritance to me would be less anyway.

So in essence I think SIL should step up with care/ pay for care or shouldn't get equal inheritance. Obviously it's up to the PIL who any inheritance goes to though.

Some people near us did this and now one of their parents is very infirm snd despite having careers 3-4 times a day the 'children' rarely leave the house- not even for a walk or shopping, let alone a holiday as they don't feel they can leave that parent. Feel very sorry for the 'Childs' partner as they are both retired and they never get out as doesn't want to do things alone.

The situation is not sustainable. To the sibling who is afraid it is not 'fair' - why dont you suggest that instead of your time, which you dont have to give, you hire someone to do all the jobs you are currently stretching yourself too thin for, and half the costs. When they have a shit fit, say that this is what would be saved by moving in together.

You know whats not fair? One sibling/siblings family doing all the work while the other sits back and pisses on about fairness.

Op your DH needs to see it for himself. And say "No I can't do xyz get a tradesman to do it. They'll do a better job and be faster than me."

You to if they have friends coming round you say no to sorting food - x restaurant does good deliveries.

You need to kick back a bit.

If either of them later needed residential care, then unless there would still be plenty of money to pay for it, you could be accused of deprivation of assets.

From social services’ POV, you would have used your ILs’ money to provide yourselves with a bigger, more valuable home. And you could be asked to repay it in full.

Plus, if dementia should rear its hideous head in either of them, you honestly could be living in a nightmare - unless you’ve lived with it you very likely have absolutely no idea.

There’s absolutely no way I’d do this. If your ILs can afford to pay for extra care and the jobs that need doing,that’s what they need to do. You need to tell them sorry, but you just don’t have time for what they’re expecting at the moment.

This thread has been an epiphany for me - I'm not blooming doing it anymore!!

Glad we've all been able to help OP

Just so long as you're prepared for the pushback from the inlaws, and cries of "but they won't be here much longer" from your OH ...

You’re neglecting your mum to look after PIL?? Glad you are finally giving your head a wobble and prioritising what is most important to you

OP, you said in your opening post that you might be looking for "time management" tips.

You can definitely manage your time better by spending less of it with people who don't bring you joy, don't appreciate what you do for them and who are not your responsibility.

OP"Fil does not want to ever go in a home and it's been the unwritten rule that we will care for him. " Unwritten by whom, him? That' snot how life works. He can't expect this care from you. You are under no obligation to provide it.

He doesn't have to "Go into a home".
There's a world of difference between a nursing home and a retirement village, or sheltered housing, where you live in your own home, independently, but have things you can choose to opt in to should you wish.
Or, indeed, living in your own home and using that money you've put away for a rainy day, for your old age, by employing someone to do the things they can no longer do for themselves. Be that the garden, the odd jobs, the cooking, the cleaning or whatever.

I'm glad you've had your epiphany OP

FWIW I don't think OP is neglecting her DM as she is already doing her shopping and other things. I would actually say OPs relationship with her DM is a much more healthy and normal one than that with her ILs and it would be a pity for OP to think that she needs to provide greater levels of personal care for her DM if she is managing these things by herself.

Having read your latest update, my suggestion for when they ask for anything to be done, feign ignorance or concern that you suddenly wouldn’t be confident in doing the work yourselves but you’ll contact X or Y company who are handymen and get it added to the list and PiL will have to pay as it’s for them.

As for cooking, if you’re there when SiL is and the family expects you to do it, just say “Oh, I’m taking a break from cooking - I have worked out that I’ve done all the cooking when we’re here so I believe that it’s either SiL or Someone else’s time” and leave it hanging in the air. Don’t rush to sort it.

You need to have a serious conversation with all. They should release some equity from the house to pay for what they need now. Go see your own mum as one day she won’t be there and you’ll regret it.

the other sibling needs to step up and sort out things that don’t require someone to be there in person. They can organise an online food shop to come etc.

physically demanding job doesn’t mean DH can abdicate his role in this. He either steps up at his parents or takes on lions share at home

Do not buy a house with them.
If they are like this now, imagine what they will be like if you live together. You will be constantly at their back and call.

fuck no. You feel like you are doing too much so making yourself available 24/7 would be an improvement? Emotionally it would break you.

Nope. DH needs to man up and put his foot down on your behalf! This is a perfect example of outsourcing and they need to pay - gardening, odd job man, meals, cleaning - all of it. Yes, give support but it should be the personal stuff - bills, money, personal shopping, organising- not grunt work. Some of this can be done as part of your normal life and less of a stress.

Personally, I’d be giving DH an ultimatum, he needs to sort this or you go cold turkey.

Buying a house with them is a terrible idea, they would get a full time skivvy at their beck & call and you would sacrifice your own family.

why don’t they sell their house & move into an assisted living living facility?
why doesn’t their other child sell up and move in with them if they care so much about things being fair?
why is it your job to look after them?

Honestly I would put some distance between you & them. You may be married to their son but that doesn’t mean they are your problem to solve.