Buying a house with in-laws

[ohmyohmy123]

My in-laws are in their 80's - both DH and I work full time and have children, pets etc. we live quite close and try our best to support them. They are now at the point that they need regular care which is difficult as we take turns to visit each evening but they are isolated and lonely and it's hard work to try to leave - they find jobs for us to do or complain we've not been there long enough.

DH sibling lives too far and sees them once a month so it's all on us.

They have a cleaner and a gardener but complain about having to pay people when they have family near by. They expect my children to support with gardening etc (they are 12 & 14 and do lots of extra curricular activities so rarely get time. They do small
Jobs like putting their bins out each week but with 2 hours of homework each evening and their clubs I don't feel it's fair to expect more from them.

I cook at their house twice a week to ensure they see us all together but it's not enough for them and they still complain they haven't seen us.

I have seen a house big enough to house us all to enable us to care for them whilst having our own space. It would mean them giving the money from their house sale to help fund it.

I have discussed this at length and father in law is on board- however mil is saying that it isn't fair to sibling as they should have half of the house sale. Whilst I appreciate this - we can mortgage partially to cover it. Sibling is quite precious about it and everything has to be "fair" so they wouldn't be happy about it incase we got more than them.

For example in laws wanted to help us buy our first marital home but sibling complained so they had to half the money between us.

DH says they won't do it because sibling would be unhappy etc. To me it's not about money but about quality of my time. Preparing meals, cleaning, gardening etc whilst raising my children and cooking, cleaning in my own house. It they lived with us it would be easier for me and I know that's selfish for me - but DH expects me to pick up the slack as his job is more physically demanding (mine is mentally demanding).

It is affecting the relationship with my own family as my own mother is on her own and has needs but I always have to prioritise in laws so my mum misses out on my time. I still manage her money, do her shopping etc but she then feels guilty asking for help as
She knows I'm stretched.

I don't really know what I want from this thread - time management advice? Tell me to man up and make DH do the care for his parents, suck it up and get on with it?!

The very least the sibling could do would be to sort the online shop.
Parents ring with the list and they order it and have it delivered.
Sibling can also deal with adult social care over the phone.
Sibling can also organise a cleaner from an agency over the phone or use social media to find a locally recommended one. Ditto a gardener.
How far away is sibling? How often do they visit? Do they stay?
What happens if you want a holiday at the minute?
I've recently lost a very elderly relative who needed a lot of care. As in full package at home, personal care etc with two carers for safety. I was the default person they rang when something went wrong etc. It's exhausting.
The best scenario would be for them to downsize to sheltered accommodation but i know from personal experience that this will be difficult. They won't see moving in with you as them needing help. But they will see sheltered accommodation as needing help and it's hard for them to accept.

It is affecting the relationship with my own family as my own mother is on her own and has needs but I always have to prioritise in laws so my mum misses out on my time. I still manage her money, do her shopping etc but she then feels guilty asking for help asShe knows I'm stretched.

This is so sad OP. None of us know what's around the corner, you don't want to regret putting your in-laws in front of your own mum.
STEP BACK. Your in-laws and your 'd'h have no right to demand your time like this and pile so much pressure on you. Nevermind expecting your dc's to be involved. Leave them to it, stop going round and then at least your dh and his sibling will have to face and deal with the reality of the situation without you propping everything up.
Dedicate your free time to yourself, your dc's AND your own mother. Do not feel any guilt. None of them feel guilty for expecting too much from you do they?

@ohmyohmy123 You wrote this "I have discussed this at length and father in law is on board- however mil is saying that it isn't fair to sibling as they should have half of the house sale. Whilst I appreciate this - we can mortgage partially to cover it. Sibling is quite precious about it and everything has to be "fair" so they wouldn't be happy about it incase we got more than them."

If you decide that buying a house using funds from the sale of MiL & FiL's current property, I'd point out to Precious Sibling (PS hereafter) that they are welcome to buy a home for MiL & FiL and the key bit is next take care of their own parents as they age.
That's part of why you are even considering doing this. Your family (you, your DH, the kids) would be closer to be able to care for them and do things for them. You're not doing this out of the kindness of your heart, there are financial implications of doing this.

What would the alternative be? For your in-laws to sell their property and move to assisted living or a care home which would probably eat up whatever inheritance PS believes is theirs. It might be worthwhile sitting down and doing the maths for PS so that they can see that they might actually inherit more if you do this now than later. Maybe those dollar signs will make PS think about things.

Don’t buy a house with them. Unfortunately you will become their unpaid nurse as they get older. Your husbands siblings will resent you, despite all of the free care you provide. Tell your husband it’s his job to see to his parents, not yours. Stay well out of it. This is one you cannot win.

You’re doing more than enough already and they are lucky to have so much help. You’ve offered a solution but if MIL isn’t on board I’d drop it. Sounds like his sister wants her 50% but won’t provide 50% of the help. It’s you who is taking the responsibility for this, and unfair on your mother who won’t be around forever. I think you just need an honest chat with them that you can’t provide anymore help than currently so they will have to pay. You gave an another option but they turned it down

They will get more needy. You are going to get ill. Prioritise your health. Limit visits. Don't mix your finances. Whatever you do the sibling won't be happy so do what you need to protect your health. Keep your mouth closed and make DH and sibling sort it.

I just cannot believe your husband piling all of his responsibility on you because he is more tired due to his job. Please wake up @ohmyohmy123 He has no damn right and I would be fuming if I were you. He is ordering you around doing everything that he is unwilling to do. He is telling you you need to put his parents before your own mother! Why have you gone along with this? Is he controlling in other ways?
As of today TELL HIM no more and stop going around to you in-laws. Who the hell does he think he is?

You need to move further away like sibling who clearly had some sense. They are way too demanding and being selfish. Your dh needs to set limits and they need to look after themselves more.

Just tell them no.

Expecting your DCs to do the garde

Tell your husband to step up and prioritise your own mother

How dare he limit the time on your mum !

I was in a similar situation. But it was my own parents. My sister lived 4 hours from them, I lived a 2 minute walk.
We started off getting them a gardener & a cleaner, at first they didn't want outside help, it wasn't that they didn't want to pay - they wanted to be independent. In reality it meant I was doing it as well as working full time & being a single parent. We eventually got carers in too - again my parents protested but their needs were growing & I couldn't do it. Once they got used to the carers they loved them.

My dad passed away & mam went into a care home as she has alzheimers. All of their savings are gone, & now the money from the house sale is paying mam's care home fees. There is no inheritance - you may find your inlaws need to spend all their money on care, then there will be nothing for you DH & sibling in law to share fairly anyway.

Do not buy together though, far too many complications. And it won't make your life any easier. As others have said you will be at their beck & call 24/7. You need to prioritise your mum, & let DH & sibling sort their own parents - maybe by getting carers in.

I’d suggest you have a look at the elderly parents board on here, and I’m sure you’ll be told the same that this is a terrible idea.
They might be 80, but that doesn’t mean they wont live till they’re 95…are you really prepared to have them live with you for the next decade? And then most likely move on to caring for your own mum.
I cared for my own parents, but they both died of cancer young and it was hard relentless work, but it had a time scale. I knew it wasn't for long. I couldn’t have coped with years and years of caring, it would have finished me off first i think!

@Itloggedmeoutagain i agree that’s ridiculous however it isn’t linked to being more deserving of inheritance in my opinion. The two things are separate.

I have discussed this at length and father in law is on board- however mil is saying that it isn't fair to sibling as they should have half of the house sale.

Your plan sounds like such a total nightmare to me, in which you will potentially wind up being a live-in carer and domestic slave to two people, I would happily let my sibling have my half of the proceeds from a house sale if they were willing to do this.

I think they’ve got a nerve, expecting you to do their cleaning and gardening for free when they can afford to pay someone. I wouldn’t even consider living with them.

Are you the sibling? Of course it isn't grabby. Especially once you factor in all the care the OP will be doing. The sibling is getting off scot free.

I echo everyone else. I'll also add that as they are so demanding, I think living in a home together would be a mistake. It's one thing if they are grateful and appreciative of your help, but their entitled, spendthrift attitude would be a problem for me.

If they want YOU to be their carer, I'd be considering agreeing to go part time and they can make up the difference in your pay. Your Dh is being a complete dick here.

My mum died at 63 from a sudden illness, you absolutely should not assume the time you have left.

@ohmyohmy123 the more you do for your PIL the more your PIL, DH and SIL will expect you to do. They will all happily see you have a breakdown rather than change their behaviours.

My sibling once said that she realised when she was getting divorced her PIL had always seen her as their plan for old age and were most put out she would no longer be at their beck and call.

First have a conversation with your DH that he is not being fair to you or your Mum. From now on you will be seeing your Mum more and he or SIL have to step up and care for PIL. Make it clear this is a red line and stick to it.

I know this is more work for you but Google Independent living and Sheltered Accommodation. Show this to DH and explain how it would give PIL far more social interaction than he can provide, 24/7 emergency cover, maintenance and care that can be brought in.

Get him onboard and then get SIL on board - explain if they don’t move into appropriate accommodation now then SIL has to work out how to provide some of the care.

Keep using the phrase but they are your parents. I need to care for my parent.

I know of far to many people in their 80s who are living in unsuitable accommodation but unwilling to be pragmatic and downsize to suitable accommodation. .

THIS.

Speaking from experience, if your DC are teenagers, you don't have much time left with them before they finish school and potentially move away for uni or work. This is PRECIOUS time with them that you won't get back. This is your life. Other people shouldn't be allowed to dictate how you spend it.

You are clearly a kind person and your PILs, your DH and his sibling are really taking advantage of that. They refuse to do things because they know if they lean on you, you will do it for them. It probably goes against the grain but you have to become what you might think of as more selfish, decide what your real priorities are and stick to that. You will probably get a lot of resistance, but so be it. In the end that is better than being bullied into ignoring your real priorities, when the people involved can afford to pay for extra help instead of forcing you to do it all.

You don't have to jump just because they demand it.

Your mum is losing out and your kids are losing out and you mentioned that your job is more mentally demanding - so you must be putting yourself under considerable stress by spreading yourself so thin. Why? It doesn't sound like the PILs or anyone else involved are even grateful but keep upping the demands.

I also agree with other posters about moving into a bigger house. All sorts of tax and inheritance and siblings issues will arise. It is no joke when an elderly relative suddenly needs to sell a house to pay for care home fees, especially if it was two of them. What would happen to this bigger house then?

Stick to your guns and do what is fair by yourself, your kids and your mum. DH and sibling will have to wake up and step up and PILs can stop grumbling, their idea that your teens should wait on them instead of carers is just ridiculous. Good luck.

Think they should move into an apartment in an assisted living setting where gardening etc is included in an annual maintenance fee, and you order them those healthy/fresh cooked ready meals.

DH needs to step up and you should focus on your kids, your mum, your home and your job. Can see how this has been a slow creep of your assuming a caring role for them but, especially given how unappreciative they are (eg, SiL is clearly set to get half of everything despite seeming to do nothing for them), I would step back and let their two actual children sort it out.

And, whatever you do, don’t move them in.

I would on no account buy a house together .Its a recipe for Disaster! You will be stuck as life long carers . Tell DH to step in more and twice a week cooking is too much .Just get Microwave meals for them

This!!!

They have a cleaner and a gardener but complain about having to pay people when they have family near by. They expect my children to support with gardening etc

This will intensify a million percent, no matter you have jobs or activities; they will expect you to be on hand for every job! You do realise that if you move in with these people you will effectively become their head cook and bottle washer, you will become the help, as will your kids. Whist SIL reaps the reward of the house sale from a safe distance. And you will be beholden to them as they funded the sale, omg i cannot stress just how much this is a no situation from me.

DH and SIL need to step up and look after their parents. SIL can fk right off going once a month, she has the right idea, staying away so you do it all.... smart.

I am going to step back - I am burnt out with the pressure

Very sensible of you, OP, though expect a LOT of pressure and possible fake "emergencies" when you do

Considering how demanding/entitled they're being already the consequences of actually living with them are all too clear, and despite your FIL's view of there being an "unwritten rule" that you'll care for them there's actually no such thing

The only possible response is to draw clear boundaries and stick to them, and thankfully it sounds as if this is what you're doing

Fil does not want to ever go in a home and it's been the unwritten rule that we will care for him. He is a difficult patient though I must admit whereas mil is easier to manage.

He doesn't get to make the rules for your life. Course he doesn't want to go into a home. Who does? But he doesn't get to decide that you'll care for him. When did he care for you? Or indeed for his own parents? I'll bet he didn't or he'd have set your DH and his brother a much better example for men stepping up. Seriously, you need to step back MASSIVELY. Don't be sent up to the loft or made to do their weeding. Stop being bossed around by them on the micro level when you visit and on the macro level in terms of life plans.

Your life is your own. Your DH can spend more time with them if that's his concern about them not living much longer. You actually disagree and think they'll be around a while but regardless, your priority is still your own mum even if she's younger. It's not your responsibility. It's just not. You're busy. They can afford help. They're not going to want to get it elsewhere and pay for it when they can guilt/boss you into it, so you have to be the one setting the rules. Drop this crazy house buying idea and make a firm new plan that only requires your buy-in, which is that you're not being their carer, now or ever. You'll visit, you'll take meals now and then if you like, but it's not your job. You're their daughter in law. That is all. Make sure you less than their DC.