Buying a house with in-laws

[ohmyohmy123]

My in-laws are in their 80's - both DH and I work full time and have children, pets etc. we live quite close and try our best to support them. They are now at the point that they need regular care which is difficult as we take turns to visit each evening but they are isolated and lonely and it's hard work to try to leave - they find jobs for us to do or complain we've not been there long enough.

DH sibling lives too far and sees them once a month so it's all on us.

They have a cleaner and a gardener but complain about having to pay people when they have family near by. They expect my children to support with gardening etc (they are 12 & 14 and do lots of extra curricular activities so rarely get time. They do small
Jobs like putting their bins out each week but with 2 hours of homework each evening and their clubs I don't feel it's fair to expect more from them.

I cook at their house twice a week to ensure they see us all together but it's not enough for them and they still complain they haven't seen us.

I have seen a house big enough to house us all to enable us to care for them whilst having our own space. It would mean them giving the money from their house sale to help fund it.

I have discussed this at length and father in law is on board- however mil is saying that it isn't fair to sibling as they should have half of the house sale. Whilst I appreciate this - we can mortgage partially to cover it. Sibling is quite precious about it and everything has to be "fair" so they wouldn't be happy about it incase we got more than them.

For example in laws wanted to help us buy our first marital home but sibling complained so they had to half the money between us.

DH says they won't do it because sibling would be unhappy etc. To me it's not about money but about quality of my time. Preparing meals, cleaning, gardening etc whilst raising my children and cooking, cleaning in my own house. It they lived with us it would be easier for me and I know that's selfish for me - but DH expects me to pick up the slack as his job is more physically demanding (mine is mentally demanding).

It is affecting the relationship with my own family as my own mother is on her own and has needs but I always have to prioritise in laws so my mum misses out on my time. I still manage her money, do her shopping etc but she then feels guilty asking for help as
She knows I'm stretched.

I don't really know what I want from this thread - time management advice? Tell me to man up and make DH do the care for his parents, suck it up and get on with it?!

I'm in the same situation too. My father is disabled and asking to live together. I don't want to, but did seriously consider it. My siblings kicked off because they wanted their share, which wouldn't leave enough for the adapted home we'd need. We ended up dropping the whole thing, and he goes into a home soon. Honestly I'm relieved, I don't want to care for him because its going to be intense, and ends trips & going away. It would impact the children too, because he'd be our responsibility and priority. So I'm glad my greedy siblings complained! Can't wait to see their faces when most if the house money has gone on home fees! Honestly I would strongly advice you not to do it, they can get paid help or go into a home.

Please don’t consider buying a house with them. It could very easily be taken for nursing home bills. You shouldn’t be doing all this work. Simple. If they can’t cope,they should employ more help or move into sheltered accommodation, or accommodation where they can free up money - Meals on wheels, cleaners, gardeners.
Elderly people’s money is supposed to go on their care. I’m a bit concerned that yourDH and his sibling are using you and your unpaid labour to protect their inheritance.

Why the Hell would you prioritise your in laws over your Mum?
Let your H sort out his needy parents and for the love of all that is Holy do NOT buy a house with them

However if in laws were to live another 10 years the house would be worth more and they would get more etc. so they would want a portion of the increase in our house.

Who is 'they'?

Fair and equitable! Half of the time you spend with in laws now gets spent with your mum instead. They will all see what fair and equitable looks like then when DH and sibling are having to step up and do more. Don’t buy a house with them! You would literally have no time at all to yourself or to spend with your own family!

Do not move two old people in with you!
they could live to 100 .
You will be an unpaid skivvy and carer-
Your own mum should be the important one here.

I have seen a house big enough to house us all to enable us to care for them whilst having our own space

You won't have your own space though, because they will literally never leave you alone.

What sort of 'care' do they need? Do they need help with washing, feeding themselves, shopping, getting to the loo? Because gardening, cleaning and taking the bins out don't strike me as 'care' needs. If they can afford it, which it sounds like they can, they need to pay people to do that. It's fucking insane, for example, for them to expect a 12-year-old to be going round to do their gardening.

Most families absolutely do not sit down for a meal with grandparents twice a week.

Your husband is being a massive dick to expect you to do all this.

Your in-laws need a proper assessment for their care needs and if they can't manage things like washing, making themselves a cup of tea, taking medication etc they need professional care. At the moment, it sounds like you're more of a servant than a carer.

Re your FIL saying he will never go into a home. I agree. No one actively wants that. And In my experience it is best for people to stay in their own homes for as long as possible.
However, they may reach a stage where they just cannot be properly cared for in their own home and a care home is necessary. At that point the pressure on their partner is immense, visiting carers are not sufficient and there's just no choice and its not a badge of shame. Its providing them with proper care according to their needs.

You mentioned part time work. Just wanted to say don't let this situation force you into going part-time and sacrificing a large part of your salary to deal with it. Just don't do that. Your PILS were able to save their salaries for a comfortable retirement at 60 but this would hinder your saving and its more important now than ever to put money away. Also what would that mean if your DC need support at Uni for eg or with early careers/accommodation?

The cost of 24 hour live in carers is astronomical unless you can con a daughter or DIL into doing it (because it’s almost always women).

There’s a reason most people don’t have live in servants these days - they can’t afford it!

Do you want to become an unpaid housekeeper, maid, cook and nurse for the next decade then lose your home when the PIL die because they’ve left a big chunk of the house to their other child? Because that’s what it sounds like you are signing up for!

Also, are you willing to sign your children up for that? It sounds like the PIL already expect them to run around after them. How well do you think their studying will go if they are constantly being interrupted by their grandparents?

The other thing - it may not happen to you and you’ve said nothing about your DH to suggest it will but I know more than one case where a man has decided his (exhausted, overworked) wife isn’t paying enough attention to him because of eldercare responsibilities and has promptly found a far more sympathetic ear in another woman.

So your BILs sense of fairness only applies to cash. Your husband should tell him that while he is too far away to do his fair share of helping his parents then he’s not in a position to whine.

Maybe he had to move too far away to be helpful but it really pisses me off when siblings in that situation still feel they get an equal say on what is done and how money is spent.

I f he’s so interested in cash, monetise everything you do and then invoice the fuck wit for his fair share.

Do not do it!

The sibling problem is a red-herring. Whatever you and DH do it will never be enough, you priority is you and your own direct family, particularly your own DC.

A friend did something similar, bought a larger property with her in-laws, who have their own accommodation within the house - bedroom, living room, bathroom with a shared kitchen. The in-laws do not like being on their own in their living room, and it is a constant source of stress and friction trying to get space away from them during the day and evenings. My friend, DH & their adult daughter spend hours out of the house (days and evenings) in order to survive!

I also know of another 2 situations where the DH has passed away, leaving one of his parents still living with DIL.

There are other options, one of which is privately-owned supported/sheltered accommodation with visiting care support packages. Would also give them the option to make additional social contact with others as many offer regular social events and even meals within communal areas.

Stop providing so much support yourself it is not sustainable.

Tbf the BIL is under no obligation to care for his parents either. The issue is that OP's DH seems to think that she is under some obligation to care for them. It's not that the BIL needs to do it, it's that the OP needs to not do it. The DH can do it if he's so bothered about it. If not, they can get carers like many others in their position have to do. The fact they have 'family' (meaning OP and her DC) nearby is not a reason why the parents don't need carers. OP has more than enough to do working and looking after her own family at home. She needs to say no and keep saying no and following through with (in)action. As long as she says yes and does everything they say, nothing will change.

If your inlaws give the money from their house sale to you or half to you and half to the sibling then you can expect the local authority to refuse to pay for care and expect this to be unwound - either their money returned to them or for the people that received the money to pay for the care. I know someone at the minute who are trying to ask social services for funded care and they are saying no because the elderly person sold their house and gave the money away. You could buy as tenants in common with your inlaws owning their share but you will need to sell up to release their money if they need to go into residential care (or at least for the second partner as equity in the house might be ignored for the first).

So if you do buy a house expect to have to release money to return the inlaws portion of funding if they require care (as well as releasing funding to pay the sibling off their share at some point).

I can understand your partners sibling being fed up at their parents life savings being absorbed into your property to be honest so tenants in common with your inlaws owning their share of the house is more transparent.

Could you afford to pay for a larger house/get the mortgage you need yourselves and your inlaws pay an amount of rent? If their house sold for 200k and they paid £500 each month in rent then that money would last for 33 years (not counting any interest on their money). Having their money invested and only paying rent would mean that when they need to pay for care or move into a residential home they could do so.

Overall I agree with most others that you are better not to do this. A large house might be tempting but you won't get the next decade or two of your own or your children's lives back and having people through their 80s and into their 90s to care for could severely limit your freedom and what you are able to do with your children.

I have only read the OP but bloody hell you want your head examined OP!!

Why are you visiting and doing chores for your inlaws every day?
Why are you even entertaining their continued complaints?
Why are you not shutting them down when they express that your CHILDREN should be helping?
Why are you not prioritising your mother over your inlaws?
Why have you allowed yourself to be made a skivvy for your husbands parents?
Why are you not prioritising yourself and your children?

You are, I am sure, a very kind and giving person but your kids will not thank you for putting their grandparents needs above theirs.

Let the inlaws pay for the help they need. If they chose not to then so be it.

I am all for helping aging parents, I am happy to help out my mother and my inlaws but I will not put myself at the bottom of the pile in doing so.

And just because your mum is "happy" (is she really?) with the odd 20 minute visit doesn't mean that's all she should get from you. If you enjoy her company and want to spend more time with her then you should do so. Does she know how much time you spend with the inlaws?

Honestly, you really need to start thinking of what is best for yourself and your children (I won't even mention your selfish DH who is happy for you to do "personal care" (which, to be honest, I won't even do for my own mother) for his mum). You are not obliged to do any of this. A bit of shopping, help with paying bills, maybe making appointments for them, that sort of thing is all fine and reasonable. Being a daily personal servant is not. Stop it.

And, for the love of God, do not have them live with you. You may as well sign over your life / freedom to be at their beck and call forever if you do.

Your in-laws need a proper assessment for their care needs

Absolutely, but I doubt they'll agree while still in the mindset that OP will do it all - ditto any suggestion about moving into sheltered housing, etc.

This is why it's so important to be clear about what can be done and what can't, not only for OP's sake but theirs too. There'll be moaning of course, but the sooner they reach clarity the sooner suitable arrangements can be put in place for everyone's benefit

Your poor mum alone getting scraps from you while she knows you’re taking the whole family around to the parents in law and cooking everyone dinner several times a week and they still have each other too. As a parent I would wonder what I did to deserve this level of fuck you from my child.

I would change that slightly to, you are the important one here OP.

Yes certainly it would be good if you had more time with your DM, but you're also deserving of spending some quality time with your DCs before they grow up, or goodness even having a hobby or two.

It's good to facilitate sorting elderly people's needs but expecting a ft working DM to do the cooking and cleaning is disgraceful.

Your husband needs to have a meeting with his sibling to discuss THEIR parents care going forward….. you should stay out of it

Don’t move in with them, it will only create more work for you as they get older. It sounds like you’re doing most of the care already.

My parents moved in with my father’s parents when they were elderly and it really put a strain on their marriage for a while. Caring for elderly relatives 24/7 is hard work and your in-laws sound quite demanding already.

Also, what is your dh’s sibling doing other than watching their inheritance like a hawk? If they’re unwilling to accept that you may benefit financially from doing all the care, it’s another reason to not entangle your finances with your in-laws. Let the in-laws use the money to pay for help. Do as much as you can but don’t stretch yourself.

@ohmyohmy123 read the above. Print it out and stick it on the fridge. Save it in your phone, and read it every day! Stop what you’re doing, take several steps back and make far more time for your poor mum. She gets a cuppa and twenty minutes, while your inlaws get two nights a week where you cook and have dinner??? How did this situation arise - boiling frog scenario? It’s insane, and it’s unfair on you, your kids and your own mother. As to them moving in with you - dear God….NOOOOOOO! The complications and ramifications of that would be disastrous.

They are indeed

You are already doing above and beyond what needs to be done from you. They sound manipulative and uncaring about your needs too. Your DH needs to step in, I'd stop cooking as many meals at their house too. Once a week would be fine, you also need time alone as a family, where you don't go round to their house. If they can afford care and help then that needs to be the option for them. Spend time with your mum as you want to she has to be your priority in this. And your kids and family too!

Don't do it!! If you think you're a skivvy now, wait until you live in the same house. Your DH need to step up and look after HIS parents, including telling them to pay for extra help and not rely on you skivvying for free.

@ohmyohmy123 ”Tell me to man up and make DH do the care for his parents, suck it up and get on with it?!”

this 1,000 times. Your relationship with your mother is suffering. Why haven’t you done this already?

classic case of feeling you need to take on your husband’s responsibilities. The more you do, the more that will be asked of you.

my DH has always and will continue to be responsible for any birthday, christmas or other presents/ celebrations for his family like mother/Father’s Day. I just won’t entertain it. It does mean occasionally he has missed a birthday but that isn’t on me!