Buying a house with in-laws

[ohmyohmy123]

My in-laws are in their 80's - both DH and I work full time and have children, pets etc. we live quite close and try our best to support them. They are now at the point that they need regular care which is difficult as we take turns to visit each evening but they are isolated and lonely and it's hard work to try to leave - they find jobs for us to do or complain we've not been there long enough.

DH sibling lives too far and sees them once a month so it's all on us.

They have a cleaner and a gardener but complain about having to pay people when they have family near by. They expect my children to support with gardening etc (they are 12 & 14 and do lots of extra curricular activities so rarely get time. They do small
Jobs like putting their bins out each week but with 2 hours of homework each evening and their clubs I don't feel it's fair to expect more from them.

I cook at their house twice a week to ensure they see us all together but it's not enough for them and they still complain they haven't seen us.

I have seen a house big enough to house us all to enable us to care for them whilst having our own space. It would mean them giving the money from their house sale to help fund it.

I have discussed this at length and father in law is on board- however mil is saying that it isn't fair to sibling as they should have half of the house sale. Whilst I appreciate this - we can mortgage partially to cover it. Sibling is quite precious about it and everything has to be "fair" so they wouldn't be happy about it incase we got more than them.

For example in laws wanted to help us buy our first marital home but sibling complained so they had to half the money between us.

DH says they won't do it because sibling would be unhappy etc. To me it's not about money but about quality of my time. Preparing meals, cleaning, gardening etc whilst raising my children and cooking, cleaning in my own house. It they lived with us it would be easier for me and I know that's selfish for me - but DH expects me to pick up the slack as his job is more physically demanding (mine is mentally demanding).

It is affecting the relationship with my own family as my own mother is on her own and has needs but I always have to prioritise in laws so my mum misses out on my time. I still manage her money, do her shopping etc but she then feels guilty asking for help as
She knows I'm stretched.

I don't really know what I want from this thread - time management advice? Tell me to man up and make DH do the care for his parents, suck it up and get on with it?!

No to moving them in, no to buying a house together, no to sacrificing your health and your well being to grumpy people who don’t appreciate you, no to doing the above for a husband who also doesn’t appreciate you nor support your family like that, no to making your kids suffer because their grandparents think they shouldn’t have to hire help, NO. Tell your dh that you have checked your memory and the last time he cooked for the whole family at your mums was never so he can pull his bloody head in and be grateful for all you have done for his family, and work out what that looks like WITHOUT YOU now. The two nights you cook at theirs, you will be visiting your mum instead. You have changed your mind and don’t want to live with them, you already live with one person who thinks he deserves all your time and energy and isn’t that nice about it, and it would be too unfair on the kids as well.

To answer your question directly - NO, NO, NO and for the avoidance of any confusion absolutely NO !

Your focus is your children, your DH (more on him later), your job, your home, your life. If you have any spare time after these, then you can visit your PIL for a cuppa and a chat.

Their care requirements will only increase as they become frailer and you need to start pulling in that additional help now, before a crisis hits everyone between the eyes. However those of us who have been through this know that it's only a crisis that gets things done, but I live in hope one family I say this too will persuade their elderly relatives to accept external support sooner rather than later.

Moving in together will see the demands on your time will increase exponentially. You'll be running around making cups of tea, finding the newspaper, ferrying to & fro doctors, dentists and chiropodists before you can say Jack Spratt.

Your DH is totally wrong to expect you to step into the role of carer for his parents. He needs to step up and take the lead in this. He needs to have a frank discussion with HIS parents about how they need to get their heads around 1) accepting outside help and 2) paying for it.

Your local Aged UK group or similar will have a programme of social activities your PIL can plug into. They can book a taxi to take themselves there.

In case there is any doubt - Do not think about buying a house with your PIL for one second longer. And step back from being their carer now

I don’t think your husband’s sibling is being precious. It should all be 50:50?when you have kids otherwise it creates resentment.

Also just stay put. It sounds like you live local to your in laws anyway so no need to move.

Firstly this sounds like a terrible idea. You dislike being at their beck and call when you don't live with them. Imagine it 24/7!! What if they have opinions on how you clean, what you cook. Imagine never getting time to relax in your own home, you would have to be on it all the time. And them telling your kids what to do. Potentially getting involved in your marriage/parenting.

Secondly no one owes anyone support especially not a dil. If anyone is is stepping up it should be your dh and his sibling not you. If it's too much step back. If they need cleaner/gardener/carers then they need to fund it. And no your children should not be unpaid support to them.

With regards to the inheritance it is unfair on sibling if all the house funds go to your family but there also needs to be the consideration that you would be supporting them thus saving money. But yes if you did go ahead they should get some.

One last thing to consider is if either parent needs more support are you going to provide/pay for that or will they? If either parent needs to go into a care home will their share in your house be considered an asset to fund it.

Think you need to tell your dh it's too much and you are stepping back. Let him and his sibling figure it out.

stop being a spineless walkover. Stop cooking for them. Stop it all. Just visit when you want to. Go and see your own family.
they sound horrible. Entitled nightmares. They can buy care. Have a life. If your husband is spineless and wants to do everything for them then let him. You don’t have to be part of it.
your poor kids would have a shit life if you lived in with them. Why should they be your in laws gardeners etc. it’s fine to help out now and then if you want to. But the regular expectation is hideous. I honestly don’t know how some of mumsnet get through life when they can’t be an adult and say ‘No’ to people.

If PIL are in UK, I recommend that they both seperately apply for attendance allowance. This is not means tested. The extra money they can use for taxis, health care, cleaner, anything that makes their life easier.

Once this occurs your DH or yourself could apply for carers allowance, but it depends how much you earn

Your own family, yourself, DH, child should come first
Then it is up to both how much support you offer to other members of your wider family.
What would happen if you lived a long distance away ?

Echoing the onslaught of 'Oh HELL no' here...

They will still expect to dominate your time, AND your space, if they live with you.

They will expect their grandchildren to run around after them too.

They will NOT be inclined to stay in their own side/space in the house, they'll invade yours/the childrens... and then moan and bitch about the things you and the kids want to do (for example, having friends over, playing music, games etc).

You will get moaned at ANY time you want to go and do something other than stay home amusing them.

There are likely to be serious financial implications should one or either need residential care.

You decrease the chances of getting any help with care because they live with you, so the default view will be that YOU can be their full time carer, doing intimate care all day long.

And DH's Sibling will be a pain in the bum about it.

DO not do this, this is absolutely doomed from the start.

Have a difficult but important conversation with your DH that his parents are in fact his responsibility and your Mum is yours and from now on, you'll be prioritising your kids, your Mum and your home before you do anything for/with HIS parents!

This is a bad idea. And no surprise the actual sons are getting away with not caring for their parents and co-opting the nearest woman to do it.

OP, stop giving up precious family time to cook at PIL’s.

Tell DH he needs to sort a meals on wheels solution for them and that he needs to see them on his days off.

Do not have them live with you, you will become their full time carer!

Take a big step back and let your DH and sibling deal with them. Sometimes the more you do the more is expected, the goal posts keep changing. Be slightly different if there was 1 elderly person living on their own but there are 2 of them. Can’t they move to a smaller home?

I wouldn't recommend moving in together. Your kids are young teens, 12 & 14 a lot will change over the next 3-5 years, exams and studying to be negotiated.
Elderly people aren't always great at tolerating noise. Teens feeling like they can't have friends round because of the noise.
Then teens are coming home a little drunk 🥴 in the middle of the night 🌙, Shhhh be quiet 🤫 don't wake my Granny up - at the same volume level they've been using in the night club. Rattling around in the kitchen generally being drunk teens and making noise

Op it sounds like they are lonely and lots of older people are lonely. They need to be meeting more people.

Have they looked for any lunch clubs or other old people groups? Are they fit enough to do a few hours charity work?

What happens if one of both get dementia ?
They could become doubly incontinent and you'd be wiping / cleaning bums and changing bedding / clothes 24/7.
As they age , they might call out to you at night and you'd be up and down in the night as if you had a baby in the house.
I don't see it as ideal for your kids as well , they will be becoming teenagers and will want friends around , listen to music , play computer games etc ( basically be a bit loud and noisy ) and they will be having a sleep in a chair or grumpy because they want quiet.
In true mumsnet tradition - give your head a wobble ! 😀

This! Let them complain.

It's not on you! I'm so cross on your behalf. Stop running around after them and look after yourself, your children and, if you want, your own mum.

They are everything I hope not to be as an aged parent.
Disgusting.

WTF are you doing!!

You're turning yourself into a domestic skivvy for people who don't care about your needs and it's harming your relationship with your own mother.

I honestly think you would be insane to do this. Take a massive step back and DH he does his parents and you do yours. Utter madness.

Just OMG don’t do it! They aren’t lonely, they have each other. Look after your mum, and let dh look after his, fuck his job. And no way would I expect my teens to help these horrible people.

Your BIL has it right.

They have money to pay for help, they should be ashamed of themselves expecting your DCs to do their yard chores and taking so much from a full time working DM.

Do not move in together. It's a disastrous idea, you're already doing too much for them.

Start standing up for yourselves, if you can't do it for you at least do it for your busy teens. "No Gary can't mow your lawn this weekend, he has sports training and homework. You'll need to ask the gardener ".

If their house and garden is to big to manage then they need to seek and downsize into something more suitable for them

Buy a house by all means, far away from them.

They are not your responsibility. They can expect all they like, you don't have to meet their expectations. Presume SIL is golden child and DH the scapegoat? DH needs counselling and learn to stop running when they call.

Make yourself busy next week.

Do not buy a house with them. Financially it be a huge mistake and also emotionally. I'd also stop doing so much, they need to pay or your husband needs to help. You look after your mum if you got extra time

Op one other question did the MIL work at all?
Do she know what it is like to be a full-time working mum?

Honestly I think you need to sit them down and lay out for them, like on a calendar, what your days look like, how little time you have. And ask them, where in this calendar do you see save for me to see my mum? Space for me to go to the doctors? Get my hair done? Etc.etc.

Tell them you have been incredibly generous offering to be live in carers. If they don't want this because everything has to be "fair" then it's only fair that the caring responsibility is split fairly between their two children only and so you'll need to step back to make time for yourself, your children, and your own family

Agree with pp’s, your il’s seem quite demanding expecting teenage dc to skivvy for them to save a bit of money. I don’t think moving in with them would help, I think it might make them feel more entitled. I wouldn’t do that to the kids.

I don’t say this lightly as I would help my (far less demanding) il’s, but I would step back completely and leave it to your dh. You have your own elderly parent to worry about, why should his take priority? You’ve been more than obliging so far but I’d tell him and them that it’s too much and if dh is so keen to help the it’s up to him to put himself out and do the drudge work.

Will the care for your parents be mainly taken up by your spouse to the detriment of their parents?
That's what's happening here

Absolutely! Do not but a house with them. DH needs to take responsibility here and you to step back