Buying a house with in-laws

[ohmyohmy123]

My in-laws are in their 80's - both DH and I work full time and have children, pets etc. we live quite close and try our best to support them. They are now at the point that they need regular care which is difficult as we take turns to visit each evening but they are isolated and lonely and it's hard work to try to leave - they find jobs for us to do or complain we've not been there long enough.

DH sibling lives too far and sees them once a month so it's all on us.

They have a cleaner and a gardener but complain about having to pay people when they have family near by. They expect my children to support with gardening etc (they are 12 & 14 and do lots of extra curricular activities so rarely get time. They do small
Jobs like putting their bins out each week but with 2 hours of homework each evening and their clubs I don't feel it's fair to expect more from them.

I cook at their house twice a week to ensure they see us all together but it's not enough for them and they still complain they haven't seen us.

I have seen a house big enough to house us all to enable us to care for them whilst having our own space. It would mean them giving the money from their house sale to help fund it.

I have discussed this at length and father in law is on board- however mil is saying that it isn't fair to sibling as they should have half of the house sale. Whilst I appreciate this - we can mortgage partially to cover it. Sibling is quite precious about it and everything has to be "fair" so they wouldn't be happy about it incase we got more than them.

For example in laws wanted to help us buy our first marital home but sibling complained so they had to half the money between us.

DH says they won't do it because sibling would be unhappy etc. To me it's not about money but about quality of my time. Preparing meals, cleaning, gardening etc whilst raising my children and cooking, cleaning in my own house. It they lived with us it would be easier for me and I know that's selfish for me - but DH expects me to pick up the slack as his job is more physically demanding (mine is mentally demanding).

It is affecting the relationship with my own family as my own mother is on her own and has needs but I always have to prioritise in laws so my mum misses out on my time. I still manage her money, do her shopping etc but she then feels guilty asking for help as
She knows I'm stretched.

I don't really know what I want from this thread - time management advice? Tell me to man up and make DH do the care for his parents, suck it up and get on with it?!

Dreadful idea!!

Why do you spend so much time and energy looking after someone else’s parents?

Focus on your own children. They’ll be grown and gone in a short time and you’ll still be running around looking after your demanding in-laws. They sound awful expecting their teen grandchildren to do their garden!!

Your MIL wants to be "fair" about inheritance but not fair about the care burden here and now.

And she’s not worried about your being “fair” to your own mother, is she? Take a big step back. And a big no to getting your children involved. Absolutely no way.

Absolutely not!

You may break the deliberate deprivation of assets rules. What happens if they get so bad they need residential care? Or more care than you can give.

You'll end up with the lions share of the inheritance or have to move.

Huge mental strain.

Huge physical strain.

If estate is over £1ml, potential IHT issue.

Total nightmare!

No you can’t basically decide you want their house value and do the sibling out of their inheritance as it’s easier for you. I can’t beleive you’re even thinking that. it’s so grabby.

The only fair way to do it, would be for the sibling to then own an escalating value of the new house ie in line with property value change, and to be able to force a sale or recoup the money on the parents passing.

so don’t do more than you can cope with because no you can’t take their inheritance.

Wow lots of replies....

I didn't expect to get so much support not to do this - I thought people would tell me that it's our duty to care for elderly parents etc so thank you all for opening my eyes.

DH makes me feel guilty and says "they won't live much longer etc". They are in their 80's but their parents live to mid 90's so we potentially have years left! They had my DH in their 40's.

Mil recently had a serious accident and I was providing personal care and seeing her twice a day to help up and down the stairs etc (tried to get carers but they won't help with stairs due to risk). I have since encouraged them to have a stair lift fitted which is a god send!

Fil does not want to ever go in a home and it's been the unwritten rule that we will care for him. He is a difficult patient though I must admit whereas mil is easier to manage.

Sibling is blind to their issues - seems to think they are more well than they are (or turns a blind eye). Their house is also totally unsuitable for in laws as it's 3 story and inlaws can't do stairs anymore.

They are well off enough to afford to pay for care and support but they don't like spending money, only have a takeaway once a year etc.

My mother is in her 60's so a lot younger - hence my DH view that in laws need more attention. I can pop and see my mum for a cuppa and stay 20 minutes and she's happy.

In-laws will count the time I'm there, get me to go up the loft, change the bedding, do some weeding, help with an online shop etc. it's like they save everything up so that I'm unable to leave.

I am going to step back - I am burnt out with the pressure. My profession means that they assume I enjoy caring for them, which honestly I don't mind doing if I have the time but I don't. In an ideal world I would work part time and have more time for them all - but it doesn't work like that and I have to work full time for financial reasons.

Thanks again for helping me to see sense. I'm going to make changes from today.

Give dh and sibling a list of things they need to do and let them sort it between them.
when sibling says they can’t , you need to tell pil they need to find someone to do this and pay them as sibling can’t do it. While you are being a martyr it will all fall on your shoulders. Start saying no, then tell both dh and sibling what is being requested for them to sort out.

No she needs to sit her husband down and do this.

She worked as a teacher part time and not until DH was at school himself. They retired early (60) due to good pensions. We only moved closer to them 5 years ago so prior to that we saw them once a month so they didn't have to support with our children childcare wise etc.

Talk to your husband and tell him that it is not fair that your mother isn’t getting the attention she needs. Tell him that his priority must lie with his parents but equally yours must lie with yours. That doesn’t mean you will do nothing but a lot less.

to be honest his parents sound very demanding ungrateful and willing to be an utter burden. Do not let them. They are takers and nothing will ever be enough.

I'd not move in with them, you'll end up being a full time, unpaid carer. Tell them they can't cancel their gardener etc just because they think they can get family to do it for free, that's simply not on. They should be employing more people not less as they get older.

Your dh needs to step up, next time he says the line 'they won't live much longer' respond with 'if that's the case you should be spending more time with them then' you go see to your parents and I'll pop to see Mum'

I’m glad you’re taking a step back, Op.

There needs to be some big changes made, like PIL going into supported accommodation with daily carers.

That won’t happen if you don’t don’t take a step back because it’s easier for DH and BIL to offload their responsibilities on to you.

You cannot confirm that DF won't go into a home, sorry but that's not possible at all!

Supported accommodation is a great idea.

Your kids are going to end up fetching cups of tea and running around after them. You are going to end up as a maid and when all is done you might lose your home when they leave their share to their other child.

they don’t want to pay for care or support? Tough, they need it. What exactly are they saving money for?

Of course ILs don't want to move or pay for help, it's not unusual for the elderly people not to want to move and to deny they need more assistance than they think by getting relatives to do it rather than pay for it. Also due to inflation the perfectly standard payments to people will seem a ludicrous amount to them, even though their pensions will have gone up by a similar percentage.

What's more unusual is that your DH seems to be sitting by and watching you work yourself into a frazzle whilst shortchanging your poor DM who is on her own.

My DPs are 85 and 90. I visit once every 2-3 weeks as they are an hour away. We help with some stuff when we are there and I have encouraged them to get a cleaner, but I'm not turning into the hired help for my DPs when I have my own demanding job and life. I'm happy to facilitate them getting extra support when they need it as they have plenty of money.

Your ILs are taking you for an absolute ride and you're right to step back - let your DH step up if he is so concerned.

Your in laws are being unreasonable and demanding.

you need to have your husbands siblings some up all together and sit down and have a family meeting about this. It isn’t fair that you and DH and dumped with all responsibility just because you live closest.

you also don’t need to tip toe around in laws just because they’re old. Your husband needs to explain to them that you both work full time and have children and pets and a house to run yourself so the care you are giving them already is what they should be grateful for and it is unreasonable of them to expect your children to be taking on jobs too!!

You do realise that the demands for help are going to get more intense as they age further? How do you feel about taking FIL to the toilet or giving MIL a shower and dressing her? Being there 24/7 as a full time, live in carer?

Much harder to get professional carers in if needed when the people needing care are in the same house as you. Don't do it unless you are going into this with your eyes fully open as to what care really means.

I didn't write that properly sorry - we can mortgage to give sibling his share of the current house value immediately or enable in laws to save it for when they want to give it. It would just be DH share that goes into our house. We would the taking anything away from sibling currently.

However if in laws were to live another 10 years the house would be worth more and they would get more etc. so they would want a portion of the increase in our house.

Agree with your MIL and say she's right, things should be fair and equal.

So from now on, you are going to care for your mum, DH can care for his parents and he will put in equal time that his sister does.

You get to spend more time with your easy-going, lovely mum.

Your in-laws will realise that they need a more suitable home and potentially to pay for carers and your SIL will have to step up more and your DH can step back, all because you agree with your MIL.

They had the luxury of retiring early due to good pensions so they aren’t short of money. Get your DH to set them up with a care agency to come In during week and get their food shops set up to be delivered.

This isn’t your responsibility and you have the right to take a step back for your own sanity.

They are not your parents. You are not their daughter. They are not your responsibility.

Your DH doesn't get to hand them over to you. All three of them see you as staff. You're not. You're not blood related and you're a full time working parent with your own parent to ultimately be responsible for. Will your DH step up for her when she's older? Of course he won't

Agree with all comments saying "no". They are being unreasonable now, expecting your family to be at their beck and call, it will be 10 times worse once they are under the same roof. Plus this new place will be partly theirs, so that might raise other issues.

There are genuine issues around inheritance as well and also ownership of a joint property. What happens if they need a care home? What happens if you get a job opportunity and need to move?

Personally, I think you need to step back and let your DH deal with it. That doesn't mean you aren't supportive, but he needs to be the first port of call. They sound like they do need more input, and whilst it's fine for a family to pick up some of it, there needs to be contingency plans for what happens for support beyond the family's resources/abilities/willingness.

All that time you are spending on your PILs you are taking away from your children and your mum. I bet she would give anything for a meal with you all twice a week!

They don't appreciate what you do so I would stop doing it. They have money to pay for help and children of their own to look after them.

You only have your children at home and your mum around for a limited time. Think very hard about what you want to be spending that time doing.

God, don't buy a house with them. It'll not be easier for you, it will be harder - they sound pretty needy/demanding already, they could just ramp it up!

I'd be pushing back some of this on your DH. It doesn't matter that your own mum is younger, you shouldn't have to sacrifice your time or relationship with her for DH's desire to provide lots of support for his parents. And they do have each other for company.

They are being too demanding and your husband has to tell them this as they are his parents.

But your solution is messy and potentially unfair to his siblings. The answer is not to live together but for them to understand the need to pay for care & jobs doing not expect family members to look after them.