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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner turned off (My) wifi and upset my Son - AIBU

543 replies

candragonsbepurple · 21/03/2024 20:58

My partner is childless. I have two children (A son who is eleven and a daughter who is seven)

My ex husband moved to take care of his Dad six months ago but before that we had been divorced two years. Exes Dad has cancer and he's alone (Ex is an only child and his Mum died way before I met him) I'd have moved myself and my children to be nearer to ex so they could see each other but Ex was completely adamant they stay where they are for school and their friends.

One of the ways my children communicate with their Dad is through video games. I dont know how it works but they talk to each other while they play. They do this every sunday for a few hours before tea time. Sunday just gone my son wasn't well but really wanted to play games with his dad. I said that was okay and I'd save him some dinner (I made him some eggs and soldiers)

My partner cut the wifi when my son didn't come to the table. His reasoning was my son was being disobedient but I'd told him three times that DS wasn't feeling a hundred percent and I don't force my kids to eat big meals when they are unwell. My son was understandably distraught thinking his Dad had ended the game without saying goodbye and my partner kicked off.

He started ranting and raving how under HIS roof my son should have more respect. I reminded partner that we live in 2024, not 1924 and the house I owned was mine that my Mother left to me.

I ended up kicking my partner out - He went home in a huff and now I'm being put in the middle by partner's Mum saying that I should teach my children respect.

AIBU in thinking it's not my partner's place to parent my children - he's not a live-in boyfriend, we've been together ten months and that his Mum should keep her nose out

OP posts:
IncognitoMam · 23/03/2024 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Exactly

C67 · 23/03/2024 21:43

Bet you he tries to winkle his way back into your ‘affections’ ( your house) Also bet mummy’s taught him excellent manipulation skills so be on your guard. Your responsibility is your own child’s welfare not hers. He’s a cuckoo in the nest !!!!

CaptainMyCaptain · 23/03/2024 21:43

ftp · 23/03/2024 20:18

Just saying........
If he is your partner and not just your boyfriend, then he should have SOME say in the house rules. If you are going to disagree with him, best not in front of the children - they will pick up and play on it.

But you do need, (if it is not over that is, and for any future relationships) about how respect works both ways, but that his voice does have to be listened to.
He may well have been brought up that mealtimes are family times, and he was a little jealous that DS chose to talk to your EX rather than being part of the family meal?
Did you communicate that you were allowing bending of the rules and why? If not, it would seem that DS was being disrespectful to you, which may have prompted his action? (Not sure that being unwell means playing more games?)

Seems like you were not really into letting him in to your family - MY wifi?

He doesn't live there.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/03/2024 22:30

ScrumpleDumplin · 23/03/2024 20:07

Imagine what would happen if he gets his feet under the table for good and then decides you disrespect him!
I bet after the three years of legal cohabitation he wouldn’t think twice about kicking you out of “his” house if you disrespected him!

He’s already proven he wouldn’t call it “ours” let alone “yours”!

I’m going to play devils advocate big time here and say the chances of you loosing yourself (your and your kid’s relationship with their father and potentially all friends and self worth), and ultimately your home to a controlling relationship stand pretty high risk with this dipstick in my view.
He sounds very dangerous (and I mean dangerous) already from one incident based purely on his behaviour in that moment from your description.

Ultimately love is actions not words, doesn’t sound very loving behaviour, if he wants your children to respect you he should show them how by role-modelling this himself.

You deserve love and the time it takes to find that. Most importantly strengthen your support group, if you need any more proof this guys a wrong-en, then you could (for one month unbeknownst to him) make sure he only comes round coinciding with various friends visits instigated by you and see if he starts planting seeds of doubt in your mind about those friends. Have fun with it, mix it up, straight after they leave talk positively about how great each friend is and their beautiful traits, then sit back and see if he responds positively or negatively about “how you feel” for them.

Make sure he doesn’t disrespect you, your parenting and your right to be an individual with your own life, friends, finances, home and support group.

If he’s a good person you won’t have lost anything and hopefully will have helped him create a warm and a supporting atmosphere for your friends to feel welcome in when he’s around.

But very importantly-
If you’re not ready to make a quick, clean getaway (which for me I must say the warning signs support running a mile!) then maybe you could try hitting the “reset” button a little on your relationship…
I suspect he might visibly bulk at the idea of a reset at a point where he thinks he has the keys to your kingdom and children,
could be go back to “best behaviour” and only ever bring out the best in you - if he thinks he controls your kingdom already?

Good luck, and please don’t give him power over your children. You are the only mother they will ever have, god forbid you let someone controlling disrupt that.

"Legal cohabitation"??

What? No such thing. He will have no more rights to her house in ten years than he has now, no matter how long they live together. Without marriage or a legal contract the house is 100% owned by OP, no mortgage contributions etc and although sometimes there can be a case for reparation if he can prove he paid for major improvements, these have to be the many thousands and even then is hard to prove. Even if they got married, as the house was an inheritance in her possession before the marriage, the chances of him getting a penny are very very slim.

This kind of misinformation is damaging and scary. Damaging because it can keep ill informed women in bad relationships and scary that people still seem to live under the delusion the "legal cohabitation" or "common law marriage" has any kind of legal meaning whatsoever.

converseandjeans · 23/03/2024 22:33

He started ranting and raving how under HIS roof my son should have more respect. I reminded partner that we live in 2024, not 1924 and the house I owned was mine that my Mother left to me

Well it's not his house so he doesn't get to decide whether or not to switch the WiFi off.

Bellyblueboy · 23/03/2024 22:36

Why is this even a question?

he is a sick who is cruel to your kids and treats you like crap. His mummy is now fighting his battles!

he is in the feeder place - his mummy’s house. Leave him there. Have self respect and stick up for your kids

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 23/03/2024 22:47

OP?

FrangipaniBlue · 23/03/2024 23:08

I'm being put in the middle by partner's Mum saying that I should teach my children respect.

I'd have said "right back at ya".

kjago12 · 23/03/2024 23:45

He sounds like the boyfriend from hell and she sounds like the mother in law from hell - you are well out of it. Take care of you and your children. Sounds like you did ok Belford he came along. Sounds like he is trying to control and isolate you.

Scarletttulips · 24/03/2024 00:04

I'd have said "right back at ya

Ohh that’s a good response!!

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 24/03/2024 01:41

SheepAndSword · 23/03/2024 20:32

Really don't think OP is coming back.

Agree

Nickinoo22 · 24/03/2024 03:57

Toothbrushh · 21/03/2024 20:59

He’s a cock

100% this !

TealPoet · 24/03/2024 05:04

He was awful! You made clear your son wasn’t being disobedient so that should have ended it, but it should never have gone that far because he shouldn’t have taken it on himself to either punish your son or touch your wifi without checking with you!

sunnysays15717 · 24/03/2024 05:17

He sounds like a mummy’s boy who should have had more ‘discipline’ himself. Get rid of him and his mother!

HelmholtzWatson · 24/03/2024 05:35

Not well enough to eat, but well enough to play video games? Children need boundaries, and if you are not going to enforce them, then you are raising two more men just like your (ex) partner.

TheMaddHugger · 24/03/2024 06:06

HelmholtzWatson · 24/03/2024 05:35

Not well enough to eat, but well enough to play video games? Children need boundaries, and if you are not going to enforce them, then you are raising two more men just like your (ex) partner.

Tongue Out GIF by MOODMAN

pthhhhtttt

Rosscameasdoody · 24/03/2024 06:19

HelmholtzWatson · 24/03/2024 05:35

Not well enough to eat, but well enough to play video games? Children need boundaries, and if you are not going to enforce them, then you are raising two more men just like your (ex) partner.

The video game was a way of interacting with his dad, or did you miss that in your rush to kick the OP?

Rosscameasdoody · 24/03/2024 06:23

OldPerson · 23/03/2024 18:20

Just date non-live-in boyfriends. You don't need a boyfriend to move in with your children. And certainly not one who thinks it's okay to shut off the wifi when your child is engaged with dad. It's your house. Your children. Your rules.

He’s not a live in boyfriend.

Evan456 · 24/03/2024 06:43

Start of an abusive relationship

Rosscameasdoody · 24/03/2024 06:58

ftp · 23/03/2024 20:18

Just saying........
If he is your partner and not just your boyfriend, then he should have SOME say in the house rules. If you are going to disagree with him, best not in front of the children - they will pick up and play on it.

But you do need, (if it is not over that is, and for any future relationships) about how respect works both ways, but that his voice does have to be listened to.
He may well have been brought up that mealtimes are family times, and he was a little jealous that DS chose to talk to your EX rather than being part of the family meal?
Did you communicate that you were allowing bending of the rules and why? If not, it would seem that DS was being disrespectful to you, which may have prompted his action? (Not sure that being unwell means playing more games?)

Seems like you were not really into letting him in to your family - MY wifi?

He’s not a live in boyfriend, he was there for Sunday lunch - OP has only been seeing him for ten months. She told him three times her son wasn’t well and wouldn’t be coming to the table but would be talking to his dad while playing games over wi-fi. So his hissy fit had nothing to do with him thinking OP’s son was disrespecting her - even if it was, he had no business deciding punishment and turning off the Wi-Fi - he’s not the parent, OP is and she’d already OK’d it with her son. So boyfriend is already confusing and upsetting OP’s children and he doesn’t even live with her !!

It’s OP’s home, she owns it, she pays the bills - including the Wi-Fi - and this arse was quite simply trying to exert control, disciplining OP’s kids when he has neither the right or the experience, and referring to it as ‘my roof’ when it’s nothing of the sort. And when he couldn’t get his own way he ran crying to his mummy to fight his battles and tell the nasty OP she was a bad parent !!

The whole incident is a massive red flag for a future abusive relationship - he’s shown the OP who he really is, and you’re actually telling her she should respect his point of view and make sure he’s listened to ?! Really ? I’d send this mummy’s boy packing and tell him he’ll be lucky not to get his arse kicked when the child’s father finds out what he did.

pam290358 · 24/03/2024 07:09

HelmholtzWatson · 24/03/2024 05:35

Not well enough to eat, but well enough to play video games? Children need boundaries, and if you are not going to enforce them, then you are raising two more men just like your (ex) partner.

The child wasn’t well and didn’t want to eat - the video game was a way to talk to/interact with his dad over Wi-Fi, and it sounds as though both parents are working hard to make sure he’s involved as much as possible in his kids lives, given the circumstances. So why would you think denying her son contact with his dad when he isn’t feeling well is a good boundary to set ?

CaptainMyCaptain · 24/03/2024 07:09

HelmholtzWatson · 24/03/2024 05:35

Not well enough to eat, but well enough to play video games? Children need boundaries, and if you are not going to enforce them, then you are raising two more men just like your (ex) partner.

Rubbish. You can play games as long as you are still conscious. He was playing with his Dad.

pam290358 · 24/03/2024 07:15

TheMaddHugger · 24/03/2024 06:06

pthhhhtttt

Show quote history

👏👏👏

3boysmom · 24/03/2024 07:20

Massive red flag, please consider ending this relationship. That isn't normal behaviour.

Sazza75 · 24/03/2024 07:26

He has no right to turn off your Wi-Fi, no right to do the whole ‘under my roof’ shit when it’s not his house, no right to demand respect especially after 10 months, and he got his mum involved! You’re not caught in the middle, you’re on your children’s side always. He’s not a long term live in partner, he isn’t their step dad he deserves nothing from your children.