To refuse to go on any holidays this year ?

[Sunnydaysathome]

Every year for the last 6 years we have done 3 breaks a year one abroad in summer , and 2 UK breaks (one coastal and one to see dh family Easter and then may half term)

I hate it. It’s never relaxing. The dc get travel sick, I hate organising and packing etc. I don’t like dh’s family’s dogs and cats. The last 2 years I haven’t been happy about it but dh took over the organising hit when away it’s still the same I don’t feel like I’m having a break it’s just non stop .

I told dh last year that this year I wasn’t going anywhere. I reiterated this multiple times . He’s now annoyed that nothing is booked for Easter.
There are plenty of things dc can do for days out. Or he can take them if he wanted but it’s hard as one has SEN so in reality it needs both of us there.

I told him his family can get an air bnb near us and visit us rather than us driving hours

Surely sometimes people take a year off from holidays ?? I just can’t face it this year.

I/we took a break last year (age 48) and best thing ever! Did local things and did not regret it.

Good. It’s no hardship for his family to visit you.
Relax in your garden OP, plan some nice treats just for you and maybe some day trips for DC, collectively or individually.

I'm with you OP. I get so tense around holidays, more so when the kids were younger. DH and I come from holiday areas and we moved at least 160 miles from them so every holiday seemed to be to take the kids to see one or other set of parents. Cue moaning as we were with the other family. DH's parents house was very unaccomodating - single beds for us, children on blow up beds (Until I swapped that aroundMIL unimpressed that her boy had to sleep on a blow up bed.) Didn't seem a break for me- same stuff as at home without my things. And PIL moaned we weren't up to date with decorating etc.
Don't go- let them make some effort.

You have my sympathy. If you are the one that all the planning and organising defaults onto then you will feel differently from your DH. You are still on duty the entire time, you are constantly trying to please everyone and if anything goes wrong you feel the guilt because you did the planning. Can you tell I have been there?
I would stick to not going to PIL, they can come to near you.
Could you offer the older two a week away at a camp of some sort?
Sit the family down for a discussion about what they would like to do, maybe each person gets to pick one big day out or weekend away.
Am slightly shocked that everyone suggesting separate holidays assumes that the youngest child with the most needs will always be with you!

There’s quite a lot we can do for days out nearby to where we live I think we’ve never really looked properly before as always just went away but I can see quite a few things that the dc will like

I completely understand where you are coming from here. We have two dc and one on the way. Eldest has Sen and is around the same age as your youngest, doesn’t travel well, cope staying in others houses/changed routine etc so for that reason we have stopped travelling to family for visits (it’s 3+ hours so we have to stay a few days) and they come to us. We were honest about it with everyone and said it’s just too much for them and us and they are our priority. Nobody has complained and has been happy to compromise. As far as holidays go, we only visit two places for a holiday at the moment, child centred very SEN friendly and comfortable for us all but we aren’t going this year it’s too much with new baby, eldest having a rough time at school etc. we will do day trips and have fun at home, nothing wrong with that and not unreasonable. Kids are perfectly happy with that and all the money saved goes straight back to making memories with them in other ways.

There's no such thing as a relaxing holiday with a SEN child.🤣🤣🤣 When my DC were younger we couldn't leave them in any clubs. DS would literally be velcroed to me because non of my family could really manage him out and about. They did help with DD

Dh has suggested asking his brother one day if they visit to take the dc out with him as he needs 2 adults due to youngests needs which I think will be good

One year we spent a week in Cambridge which is only 20 miles from our home and had a great time. Holidays don't need to be far. A friend booked an airb and b for a week in London which is only about 40 minutes on the train and was able to do lots without worrying about the train home.

Also my older 2 used to go for a week with pgl every year - one did motor maintenence one year and the other dancing (both girls) - and always has a fab time.

Hi Sunnydays at home.

i think unless you have a child with additional needs, you won’t know how much extra planning/ emotional anxiety a day out/ holiday can cause. A lot of the comments are well meaning but don’t fully understand your situation as your child sounds like he has complex needs.

im peri menopausal too and neurodivergent with two autistic children. I’m finding everything much harder to cope with at the moment and from that viewpoint it sounds like you are close to burnout.

Family is important and more of a priority than a holiday but your MH is important too. Would they be happy to come next door as you have suggested or can you rent a couple of cottages closer to you within an hour’s drive for a couple of days to minimise travel and packing?

i dont think YABU, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and I send you lots of love while you navigate this bump in the road.

They are essential to you. Not to me or the OP. I have never liked holidays and only ever go to be fair to my partner.

The OP is NBU.

I feel for you. I spend a week organising - Visas, airport parking, medicine repeats as I also have 2x SEN kids, laundry, buying clothes that fit (me as well as the kids), sorting the dog sitters etc… and am usually completely knackered/frazzled when I get there. If the rooms aren’t right, the plane delayed, the check-in queues insane, or the restaurants don’t serve the right meals it is all on me. Usually have had at least one child sick for 25% of trip (ear infections from sea or pool is the norm, but we’ve had norovirus too). DH just has to pack his case and turn up.

Made the most of covid to defer going back on holidays, encouraging DH to take the kids skiing instead. However, I actually adore travelling and if it could just be me on my own I’d go several times a year. So, I’ve caved and we’re going to Sicily after youngest’s GCSEs. Have chosen an all inclusive/villa in a hotel complex so kids can bugger off or mope in their room, where the can join us in the poss restaurant or go to the poolside bar for burgers on their own and where there is a mix of cultural trips to Etna/Palermo or the gym/beach etc. I shall be at the bar sampling local wines.

I will still have to do the bloody washing/supervise packing etc but am giving it a go again after 5 years…

YANBU Family can visit you and Air BnB as you have suggested. Also at that age the older two could each go to grandparents for a few nights in the summer holidays. I have 3 nephews and my parents would take each one individually for some one on one time. They could focus on the interests of that teen and there was never any sibling falling out.

@Sunnydaysathome is your 6yo really a 2:1 situation in terms of parenting? Or is it that your H is being strategic about this? Could you take your eldest 2 somewhere for a week? Have your H wfh or wrap around hours?

otherwise, you’ve said no, mean no and tell his parents you’re happy to have them nearby but you’re not making the trip this year.

Perhaps DP could go on holiday with DCs, leaving you to recuperate?

Why doesnt he take the older two and you and youngest stay home then if that works?

I love holidays, we have similar in that we do three a year, one abroad and 2 at home. If my husband said he no longer wanted to then id go myself... But he would keep the kids 😂

How would you feel if DH says, fine, I am going without the kids (to some amazing exotic location)? Would that be fine with you?

@fleurneige That would only work if he arranged respite care for their youngest as it sounds as if they need two adults to care for them most of the time. The OP could possibly manage alone for a weekend, but not for a week.

It’s really not essential to have a holiday every year, especially if you aren’t actually enjoying it. With the kids having quite a gap in ages and the youngest with SEN, it’s clear that the current arrangements don’t support the OP to relax. The DH needs to listen to the OP and Something has to change.

We only had one family holiday when I was growing up and it was memorable because it was rubbish as we had to bring my incontinent granny with us and poor mum still didn’t get a break. It was in a chalet park in Cromer and my dad just carried on going to the local pub every night on his own as usual. God knows whose stupid idea it was!

I think holidays are only good when everyone is happy with the arrangements.

DS is 15 and we’re thinking about booking our first family holiday abroad for the 3 of us but nothing’s sorted yet. If it doesn’t happen, it’s really no big deal. DS will have years to organise his own holidays.

OP, having just got home from a week abroad with 2 young DC, I'm totally with you. The packing and organising beforehand nearly kills me every time, I can't let DH do it because he forgets important things or the little things that make the hols easier for the kids. The journey is full of whining, then it takes ages to get bearings once we're there, the whole rigamarole of trying to find things to do for the kids without all the comforts you have at home, then the added bonus of crap sleep because (this time at least) we were all in one room and DH snores. And the kids were grumpy the whole time due to tiredness and lack of routine / naps.
I'm now knee deep in a pile of washing at home.

Your post has inspired me to not go anywhere else this year!

Holidays with teenagers can be challenging as well. We’ve recently got back from a short trip visiting DD at uni. DS (15) refused to visit certain local attractions, he only wanted to go hiking and shopping ( at expensive places where we had no intention of buying him anything), which was fine, but we wanted to mix it up a bit. He just moaned if we suggested something else! Being a teenager is hard work, you feel so mixed-up sometimes, but sometimes it’s no picnic for the parents either. 😂

YABU because your children will forever remember family holidays. I think a holiday is a part of childhood if you can afford it.

I love holidays but even I can’t face planning one this year. I’ve already ticked off most of the places I want to go, so I don’t have any must-visit destinations in mind for this year. Definitely ok to give them a miss, especially if you don’t like them to begin with.

I think there should be some compromise. You don't have to go abroad every year in order to give the kids good holiday-time memories, and unless his family is physically unable to travel, they can come to you to give you a break every two or three years, especially given that one of your children has additional needs that make the experience more difficult for you.

I feel like most holidays are overrated. The travelling is miserable for me, and I always seem to catch a cold on long flights. There are moments of fun, but adding in the expense and how I feel more exhausted afterwards than I did before, in the end it's simply not worth it for me. I get much more pleasure out of staying home! Some people can't seem to understand or accept that holidays aren't amazing for everyone.