To refuse to go on any holidays this year ?

[Sunnydaysathome]

Every year for the last 6 years we have done 3 breaks a year one abroad in summer , and 2 UK breaks (one coastal and one to see dh family Easter and then may half term)

I hate it. It’s never relaxing. The dc get travel sick, I hate organising and packing etc. I don’t like dh’s family’s dogs and cats. The last 2 years I haven’t been happy about it but dh took over the organising hit when away it’s still the same I don’t feel like I’m having a break it’s just non stop .

I told dh last year that this year I wasn’t going anywhere. I reiterated this multiple times . He’s now annoyed that nothing is booked for Easter.
There are plenty of things dc can do for days out. Or he can take them if he wanted but it’s hard as one has SEN so in reality it needs both of us there.

I told him his family can get an air bnb near us and visit us rather than us driving hours

Surely sometimes people take a year off from holidays ?? I just can’t face it this year.

2.5 / 3 hour drive isn't long. I think YABU not to visit family

For other holidays, could you go somewhere even closer? We've had a few holidays within 90 mins of the house

I think YANBU. My kids are now grown up but DS1 had serious health issues and anxiety growing up and holidays were hard work. DS1s anxiety would go through the roof on holiday and then his physical health would get worse. I felt under pressure for DS2 to have fun so spent my time juggling DS1s difficult behaviour and trying to keep DS2 happy.

We gave up on the idea of going abroad and bought a caravan. I know it's some peoples idea of hell but DS1 felt safe with his own things from home around him and we could do lots of short breaks. If things got really bad we could pack up and go home. Holidays were cheap and sometimes we only went an hour away from home. We all have lots of happy memories from those times.

I am not suggesting that you buy a caravan but I do think that you and the family need to try to work out if there's a way of doing holidays that works around all of you instead trying to make traditional holidays fit. And if holidays away from home don't work then that's fine.

As for the family visits, they need to come to you sometimes, no question. You need to spell this out to them and you need to make it clear to everyone how you feel. Good luck x

We are now doing alternate years. For us it works really well.

• if the last holiday was brilliant then you have time to reflect on what went well and what didnt. The next holiday doesnt suffer by too close comparison.
• if the last holiday was a bit poor then you have time to reflect on why and avoid.

In the year of not going away we designate a 'holiday week'. We eat simpler, holiday food, take trips out etc. Having not paid out to go away we have a much bigger budget for doing more local things.

You dont have to go away to 'make memories' with DCs. Children (including teenagers) dont remember the same things as you do. They dont remember the same things as each other.

It sounds like you definitely need to scale things back for a while.
Re the in laws, get them to visit for a change. Then perhaps your DH should take the older ones away.
Or do just one more low key holiday - a week on the coast (if not too far).
My favourite type of holiday is a week at the nearest coast (just 90 mins drive for us) or Eurotunnel over to France, much less hassle and cost than flying.
I'm perimenopausal too.
Having said all of that, staycation at home is fine for one year.

On the travel sickness there was a podcast on radio 4 sliced bread programme (on BBC Sounds if you want to listen) and they advised new patches you stick behind your ear (for over 12 year olds only I think). The advice was that all travel sickness remedies are preventative and most people don't take them early enough which is why they don't perceive them to be effective. The patches need to go on the night before you travel. Worth a chat with the pharmacist to see if you can improve one aspect?

Parenting a high needs 6 year old with an age gap to two teens sounds exhausting and it sounds like you are burning out so it's not worth risking your wellbeing for a family holiday and your DH may just need time to accept that. I love my holidays it's what gets me through work all year so I sort of see his perspective, but your health has to come first even if it's disappointing. Is there any way your Pil or Bil could visit the AirBNB and support you and younger one at home while DH takes the teen's away for a short break for some of the time they are visiting? But appreciate not all families are willing/able to offer practical support.

Ignoring the older two (because they are old enough that DH could take them to the inlaws alone and/or on a short break with the three of them) I think the issue here is the SEN 6 year old and the car sickness.

I sympathise with all as I remember being a car sick 6 year old dragged on long drives to France every year...3 hours can seem like an eternity with a child kicking your seat and/or vomiting.

We have a SEN child and things that worked for us:

1. Limit trips to 2 hour segments in the car, so maybe break a longer trip into two sections with something nice as a stop in the middle. As in, nice for SEN child and tolerable for others. We have done a lot of trips via McDonald's with softplay/farm shop with playground/skate park.
2. Using the train. This is quite affordable with a Friends and Family Railcard. As well as getting to the inlaws that way, we've also done Scotland on the sleeper.
3. Finding a place DC liked and going there repeatedly. We went to Searles in Hunstanton about a dozen times! Although they don't bill themselves officially as SEN friendly, it's family owned and inclusive. The more often you've been somewhere, the less planning it takes.
4. Forcing DH to make the damn bookings once in a while so he understands it is effort.
5. Taking a single friend along as extra pair of hands - with awkward numbers like 5 (we have 3) this can sometimes be done for little extra cost. And family behave better with a non family member along.

The garden plan sounds idyllic but so much depends on weather.

If you are introverted or ND yourself, all the togetherness of a holiday can be a big challenge.

And why the heck shouldn't you have a couple of days away by yourself if you'd like it? Get them in the diary now!

I totally understand. I hate holidays and would always rather stay at home. I’ve always gone because DC enjoyed them but now they’re teens they don’t want to go much either! Not sure what we’ll do this year.

I hear you OP. I get travel sick and I’d class 3 hours as a long drive — feels like eternity when you’re on the verge of throwing up the whole time.

Obviously depends where you live and what the journeys are, but we take trains for this reason. No travel sickness. Everyone can read/watch iPads/game. Plenty of snacks. We book early and get cheap 1st class tickets so there’s plenty of room and we’re guaranteed seats. My 9yo ADHDer is typically OK as long as we have entertainment, and we’ll take him for walks up and down the train if he needs to burn off some energy. I appreciate SEN manifests in different ways in different kids, but it could be worth a try?

I think time in the garden or a day out near your home sounds great. When you have kids holidays are just the usual parenting but in a different location. I have 2 ds 13 (last week) and 8 both ASD and I am 48. My oldest also has a strong fear of dogs so we are restricted with where we can go in this country, it seems people take dogs everywhere these days! Even nicer restaurants, I really don't want to eat with a dog shedding and farting next to me. We have only been to France with them, using the tunnel as they said they would not go on a plane. Now they have said they would but it is just too expensive in the school holidays.
So we have going to have some days out and either get a Premier Inn or come to our own beds and familiar surroundings. So much nicer to sleep in your own bed.

Definitely not you that is unreasonable. Why is it on you to visit the family every year? They should make the effort to come and visit you. I'd say it should be alternated in any circumstances but even more so when you have 3 children, one of which must have some complex needs to need 2 to 1 care.

You give the DC travel sickness meds?

As someone with travel sickness myself and a child I'd say yanbu. It's not fun.

I don't see why his family can't visit this time.

YANBU Holidays are wank

If he’s that fussed he can book and organise it. But personally l wouldn’t going as it doesn’t sound like a holiday to me. Sounds boring and hard work

I think the people who are saying YABU because they love holidays, are all going on to describe the kind of relaxing holiday that it sounds like you would like to have too! The family visit might be a get away, but certainly doesn’t sound like a holiday. Could your DH go alone or with all/some of your DC if he’s really upset about not going?

I’m skipping a holiday this year too fed up with all the packing and running around and all my annual leave getting used up while away , house needs lots done to it so will do that instead .

I'll get shot down for this but you are a much older parent so you must know that you have to keep up with the kids. Yes holidays are exhausting but they are really for the kids. We are lucky if we get one holiday a year and the kids look forward to it all year! I think you should get to the doctor and find some help for your peri menopausal symptoms, as that seems to be the biggest factor here. I realise you are exhausted and stressed but even if it's just a holiday locally for a few days, it's better than the thought of being home every day for the entire year!

We all do too. My kids would be bored stiff at home and DH and I would be like caged lions, but we have a small house so it's not a joy being stuck every day with 3 kids.

I agree - the family visits are not a holiday! Ever. But you could do something for the children in the summer as a compromise.

To me the fact you keep reiterating this tells me enough -
it says you’re really had enough,
reached your limit, cannot do it anymore.

i don’t think you should do it just to please your DH (and risk your burnout).
if he can’t manage the youngest alone well, he can take the two eldest somewhere and you stay home with youngest (still not a break for you, but at least you don’t have to go away).

I think his family visiting you and staying at Airbnb sounds excellent idea by the way.

im 41 and have a 2 year old and holidays just aren’t holidays anymore…

If it was me I would get an air b n b near his family so that you can come back to a peaceful ( pet free) space at night and ask them to stay in the holiday house next to you when they come to visit. We do this now with visitors and when we visit them.My husband was a bit iffy about it at first but he is a total convert now. Its 1000x nicer. I used to find having visitors increasingly exhausting. I really enjoy it now.

I pack DH, DD13 and dog off to his family for 4-5 days Easter and Oct half terms. His family is massive and I need some points in the year where I can de-load from peopling.

Gives us all a break to be honest. His family is massive and the thought of them descending (they wouldn’t anyway) is even worse.

DH and I each take a week abroad alone as well. He’s just had his. I’m planning one for Sept. Or maybe July. Who knows.

Point is, it’s absolutely fine to shake things up.

YANBU - particularly as you're the ones who always travel to see your DH's family. Let them come to you, for a change.

We've always been a family that travels a lot - in the past we've often gone away between four and six times a year, plus visits to my family, and it's a lot. This year, due to GCSEs, we're going away just twice and I'm loving it! No hassle of booking the cattery, cancelling the post and the milk, packing, organising, booking taxis - to say nothing of booking the actual holiday. We went away for new year and we aren't going away again until the summer. The kids are happy too as they love lazing around at home!

Then he needs to learn to manage, doesn’t he?