To refuse to go on any holidays this year ?

[Sunnydaysathome]

Every year for the last 6 years we have done 3 breaks a year one abroad in summer , and 2 UK breaks (one coastal and one to see dh family Easter and then may half term)

I hate it. It’s never relaxing. The dc get travel sick, I hate organising and packing etc. I don’t like dh’s family’s dogs and cats. The last 2 years I haven’t been happy about it but dh took over the organising hit when away it’s still the same I don’t feel like I’m having a break it’s just non stop .

I told dh last year that this year I wasn’t going anywhere. I reiterated this multiple times . He’s now annoyed that nothing is booked for Easter.
There are plenty of things dc can do for days out. Or he can take them if he wanted but it’s hard as one has SEN so in reality it needs both of us there.

I told him his family can get an air bnb near us and visit us rather than us driving hours

Surely sometimes people take a year off from holidays ?? I just can’t face it this year.

PIL should visit you or your DH take the older two this year.

How many times have MNetters said ‘No’ is a complete sentence! Time to make sure your DH knows you’re not budging this year, you need a break!

How incredibly patronising. Do you also assume anyone having a less than perky day has PMT?

Essential? Really?

I’m sure those who can’t afford an ‘essential holiday’ wouldn’t agree!

I'm not "holidaying" on my own dime this year either.

We're in the process of trying to buy a house, and all our spare finances are going towards that for the foreseeable. I'm completely fine with it, as that's what we've chosen to prioritise.
We've had lovely holidays in the past, and we'll have them again. Just for this particular season of life, we've decided to tighten our belts.

That being said, my mum is taking me to Italy for a few days in early September to celebrate me turning 40 at the end of the month. I'll just be taking a bit of spending money.

@Creamteasandbumblebees · Yesterday 22:21

Unless you have a SEN child, it's very difficult to grasp how awful holidays can be. Our attempts at holidays in the earlier years were exhausting and just too much for our youngest DD to cope with.

THIS. Holidays with SEN children are NOT holidays. And I don't think that anyone will really understand your post or how beaten down you feel unless they have an SEN child. Be kind to yourself.

You are the lynchpin of the family and if you feel too worn out and need a break then that is what HAS to happen.

Yanbu - no child ever died from not going on holiday! And it's not forever - OP wants one year of not travelling away. Hardly a huge ask. She is still open to days out.

And it's not fair that the onus is always on her to travel with the kids to DH's family - they are capable of getting in a car too and coming to visit. Probably easier for them than it is for the OP with car sick dc and a child who has SN and probably does better in their own environment.

It really doesn't matter whether other posters like holidays, and would miss them. The OP doesn't and she wants a break - being at home is her holiday!
It's time her dh did what she wants for a change.

None of your posts indicate that your kids or husband do not like holidays. It's a shame that they are missing out because you don't want to do it.

If you were posting this about your husband, everyone would tell you he's a grumpy bastard, who is not allowed to opt out of family life

Tell your husband to take them away, so at least 75% of your family have something to look forward to and enjoy. If your youngest child has such extreme SEN that he needs two adults with him, the older two children could probably do with some respite, so pay for them to have a holiday at least with a trusted family member.

It's perfectly reasonable to ask family to come to you. I live a few hundred miles away from my parents and we've always taken it in turns to travel to each other.

i dont think you're unreasonable at all.

Your exhaustion aside, i don't think people understand how difficult it is to take a child with disabilities away. It couldn't be ANY LESS of a holiday for the parent/carer as you're not at home and don't have access to the usual coping methods.

My DS is 17 and we stopped going, we do days out which are more manageable for him as if he struggles, we come home to our house and his safe space.

When we went away he was in overload/meltdown most of the time, which made me tired, and ExH tired, and DD was miserable. I'd spend most of the day with DS and ExH would take DD but be awful about not getting any rest... tbh a holiday was one of the final nails in the coffin of my marriage too.

Enjoy your rest and some nice days out.

I don't understand why people are being so dramatic about not having a holiday. During covid we didn't have them and we all coped just fine. We had one last year but doubtful we will this year, it's not really a big deal.

I think majority of those saying YABU as holidays are amazing bla bla bla, have never tried to holiday with an SEN child. It’s anything but amazing. Through no fault of their own they make it a huge chore no matter what. And that can be exhausting.
I think your DH should have his family come visit for a change and if they won’t then they are the problem this year. Taking a year out for you is fine. It’s one year. The world won’t end and the kids won’t care. We took a year out last year, and this year we have a new puppy so are sticking to staycations. We will go next year. The kids don’t really care and mine are 16 and 13.
So no OP you are YANBU. It’s your life too.

Your H is being grumpy abut it - perhaps he should learn to communicate properly, speak to you like a normal adult about issues and maybe do the hard work of arranging things himself instead of sulking like a child.
Sounds to me like you've been taking on way too much by yourself over the years.

Haha yeah campings the worse. The last time we went was in France, it was raining so heavy and the tent was leaking, the kids were crying and I was getting stressed. My husband said he’s booking us in a cottage or he’s going to divorce me cause I was vile( I probably was) and we did all the rest of the travelling around Europe in proper accommodation. We sold the tent after that, thank god

Holidays should be enjoyed by everyone, so if you don't want to do it you shouldn't go. I personally wouldn't find staying with family at all relaxing and wouldn't class it as a holiday. I'd probably set out early and just go for the day! But I know you can't because of the travel sickness.
There's nothing wrong with having a year off. We have had years when we didn't book anything and only went for a weekend break in London or glamping half an hour from home (which turned out to be amazing, with lovely swimming pool and everything).
Sometimes it's just really nice to have weeks with nothing planned so you can be spontaneous.

You have a child with extra needs who needs 2:1 care, this is exhausting and holidays, even nicer ones compound the difficulty as you will be out of routine which is sometimes he only thing making things bearable

You need a rest for a year. No. Holidays this year. Then next year book ONE holiday. One that is fun , not visiting family. Let family visit you that year .

I absolutely do not blame you for not wanting to go on holiday. Even fun ones need you to be organised before you go, to book things, plan etc when your day to day life is overwhelming ( which it will be with you ds) , you have no spare capacity for that. Al's your ds probably does much worse on holiday than when at home which increases stress levels

I have a 19 year old with ASD and ADHD and this year fir the first time since DS was born I went on holiday without him with my cousin for 10 days to a long haul destination. It was wonderful and the first holiday in 19 years that I genuinely enjoyed and let me happy and relaxed afterwards. DS did not come, he stayed home with DH . The two things are not unconnected, hard as that is for me to say .

My entire childhood was chilling at home or the local park. Very small local walking holidays only consisting of long weekends at the most. I absolutely loved it.

I travelled loads as a young adult and am now am back to chilling at home and UK only holidays with my kids. Children don’t need holidays abroad to be happy.

I think you should tell your DH that you won't be going on any more trips and holidays (or even thinking about them) until you've had a rest. And that means a minimum of a weekend away on your own with no kids to think about. He needs to put support structures in place so he can manage his DC on his own... it's ridiculous that you don't get time away from them occasionally and I'm not surprised you're fed up. You sound worn out.

I agree with pp saying a year off is hardly going to harm the children. And if your partner is so keen on it why can’t he take one or two of the kids away somewhere for a holiday and also invite his family to visit you guys this year? It sounds awful being surrounded by pets you don’t like!

For those saying OP shouldn’t be dictating and it’s opting out of family life etc - holidays are not a necessity for a good family life and why should her husband have it his way every year?

My friend with 3 teens has never been abroad and nor have her kids - they’ve been on a handful of UK holidays mainly to see family up north. They still have happy family memories and do fun things during school breaks.

Surely it’s more fair to both of them and strikes a good balance if they do alternate years of holidaying and not , and to look into the option of family visiting them every other year .

Dh has options.

Family come to you
He takes older kids.

Its not as if you aren’t willing to compromise.

I think you should do that!

Literally came on to post that I think you should have a weekend away by yourself, might make things feel a bit clearer for you.

But also, we don’t holiday every year, abroad once every 2 years but UK breaks in between. I live far from family and friends so there is a lot of driving involved but we see it as an adventure and we plan our stops so my little one gets a decent break, I’ve also now got a house sitter who stays with my dogs so I don’t need to take them with me and it’s made life a lot easier!!

Holidays do not have to be done every year and they are not essential to building memories. Some of the best memories my DC have are from the years we stayed at home and did other fun stuff/trips out etc. As a family we all prefer exploring holidays rather than all inclusive resorts so they’re equally as happy wandering round beautiful places on rainy days. The perimenopausal thing may be causing this, but you’ve just got to the stage in life you want to make yourself happy rather than just others. I’ve reached that point too and have started making a stand and focussing on me more. I don’t see a problem with that! Your kids might not enjoy visiting the relatives that much either!

I think you could either try holidaying separately and each taking the older 2 or bringing extra family along for help and babysitting the youngest so you, DH and older 2 can have a family meal out in the evening

Dont know where you live but doesn’t even days out to a museum or a theme park involve some travelling and why are you taking pets with you.

When you go on holiday do you fly to your destination or do you drive?

I completely understand. I have 2 DDs with SEN, now adults, still living with us. Holidays while a change of scene are not a rest. DH has now vetoed all holidays due to the strain of it. As I can't manage with DD2 easily alone, that's the end of family holidays for the foreseeable. I am looking at alternatives for everyone, not necessarily together! I do get respite for DD2 which helps. Is this an option for you?