Page 9 | Have been uninvited

pictoosh · 23/03/2024 09:59

That's all fair enough OP.

She has made a life up north where she lives, works, loves and socialises. Geography and the flow of life with children, friends and family has meant that you have come to factor in the day to day less. It's not 'against' you as much as 'for' her current circumstances.
I think she still values you.

It's not beneficial for you to pine for a friendship that has changed course through natural progression. Maybe this would be a good time to take on something new yourself. I can't advise on what that might be...but personally, I think self-care is a great place to start.

Createausername1970 · 23/03/2024 10:05

Your friendship is evolving. I have a friend I have known since I was 5. It has waxed and waned over the years, we were inseparable through our teens, then she went to college, uni and travelling. I left school, went to work, got married and got divorced. We picked back up at 26, me then single again, her back from her travels. Since then we have both married, had kids, worked full time and part time, cared for parents, lost parents. We see each other 2 or 3 times a year, but pick up where we left off.

It's not the same, we don't chat regularly. But we both know the other is there.

MeTooOverHere · 23/03/2024 10:13

none of her other London friends can make it so it’s just local friends so I won’t know anyone
Doesn't sound like she retracted the invitation.
so can we do something separate instead?
Sounds to me like she is thinking its better to meet with you privately and celebrate, instead of expecting you to party with strangers.

EasterBunnny · 23/03/2024 10:13

When she asked if you’d like to be a plus one it doesn’t have to be someone she knows, I think you made a mistaking in saying that. The plus one was to keep you company and not to be someone she knows.

mondaytosunday · 23/03/2024 10:22

I was uninvited to a very close friends 40th when she found out my partner was going to be away. I couldn't understand why - she said 'oh it will be couples and you don't really know anyone'. So what, a single person is a pariah? It really hurt.
Just accept that's she's got new friends now and you aren't as central in her life anymore.

PuddlesPityParty · 23/03/2024 11:13

OP seriously you’re not coming across well now. “The friend she use to be I mean” - seriously? Instead of ghosting her and having a pity party talk to her for gods sake! She’s clearly thinking of you and wanting to celebrate with her different pockets of friends probably so she knows everyone will enjoy themselves!

IncognitoMam · 23/03/2024 11:29

mondaytosunday · 23/03/2024 10:22

I was uninvited to a very close friends 40th when she found out my partner was going to be away. I couldn't understand why - she said 'oh it will be couples and you don't really know anyone'. So what, a single person is a pariah? It really hurt.
Just accept that's she's got new friends now and you aren't as central in her life anymore.

That's mad! Who stands or sits only talking to their OH at a party? She's a nit.

Lampslights · 23/03/2024 11:38

I suppose if I’m really honest some of it comes from the fact that I know she’s moved on, she’s got DCs and a DP, soon to become DH, new friends. I’m still single and in the same place we used to live. I feel a bit as though I’ve been left behind, and that does sting, but I also know that’s just life, not her. I just miss my friend, the friend she used to be, I mean

are you envious of her? Is this it?

crockofshite · 23/03/2024 12:10

FriendDilemma24 · 23/03/2024 09:43

Has been really interesting reading all these comments, which vary from my friend is cruel and a dick, and I’m ‘right’ to be hurt, to I should get over myself and stop making it all about me, she’s trying to be thoughtful. As I’ve said several times, I wish she’d given me the choice because I wouldn’t have felt so upset then, but as several people have pointed out, the original party, which I was invited to, has now changed and become something else entirely, a much smaller local affair, so I’m going to try to remind myself of that every time I feel hurt. And I will graciously accept her suggestion of doing something nearer me, just the two of us. As some have said though, I don’t think I’ll quite forget this and if it becomes a pattern then I’ll definitely know where I stand.
I suppose if I’m really honest some of it comes from the fact that I know she’s moved on, she’s got DCs and a DP, soon to become DH, new friends. I’m still single and in the same place we used to live. I feel a bit as though I’ve been left behind, and that does sting, but I also know that’s just life, not her. I just miss my friend, the friend she used to be, I mean.

This is a good update and shows you have insight and maturity .

Time to move on .

VeneziaJ · 23/03/2024 13:09

I would not see her again after this snub! but I do get hurt easily unfortunately😳 for me this would be a kick in the teeth

Maddy70 · 23/03/2024 13:21

I think shes trying to be considerate? You wouldnt know anyone and she thought doing something separate would be better?
Just reply and say im fine with unknown people dont worry about me (as long as you are!)

Original poster

FriendDilemma24 · 23/03/2024 16:36

Lampslights · 23/03/2024 11:38

I suppose if I’m really honest some of it comes from the fact that I know she’s moved on, she’s got DCs and a DP, soon to become DH, new friends. I’m still single and in the same place we used to live. I feel a bit as though I’ve been left behind, and that does sting, but I also know that’s just life, not her. I just miss my friend, the friend she used to be, I mean

are you envious of her? Is this it?

I am envious of her, yes, in the sense that I’d love to have what she has, but I’m very happy for her!

OP posts:

Original poster

FriendDilemma24 · 23/03/2024 16:40

So funny, even now I’m getting that ‘I’m not coming across well’ on the one hand and that my last update shows ‘insight and maturity’! (I know which one I’m going with!)

@PuddlesPityParty, yes, I do miss the friend she used to be, young free and single and just down the road! I honestly don’t think that makes me weird but if so, so be it. I can live with that.

OP posts:

Lampslights · 23/03/2024 16:53

Op, I mean this gently, but you’re in your 40s. Young free and single was a long time ago. It really is time to move on, and accept she is a good friend, but life has moved in and friendships evolve.

Original poster

FriendDilemma24 · 23/03/2024 16:58

Lampslights · 23/03/2024 16:53

Op, I mean this gently, but you’re in your 40s. Young free and single was a long time ago. It really is time to move on, and accept she is a good friend, but life has moved in and friendships evolve.

Thank you, @Lampslights. And I do realise that, I promise!

OP posts:

Baba197 · 23/03/2024 17:38

It would have been nice to have given you the choice and said that she would understand if you didn’t want to go as don’t know anyone there, maybe she’s not wanting you to feel awkward but I would be hurt. I’d just send a casual reply and focus on making more/better friends locally then let her contact you to arrange next meet up, take the friendship at face value and enjoy spending time with her when see her but keep a bit of distance between you and don’t invest as much into it all. Hard to be “best” friends with someone who lives so far away and has a different life now but you can still be “good” friends and enjoy that

Thegoodbadandugly · 23/03/2024 17:56

FriendDilemma24 · 23/03/2024 09:43

Has been really interesting reading all these comments, which vary from my friend is cruel and a dick, and I’m ‘right’ to be hurt, to I should get over myself and stop making it all about me, she’s trying to be thoughtful. As I’ve said several times, I wish she’d given me the choice because I wouldn’t have felt so upset then, but as several people have pointed out, the original party, which I was invited to, has now changed and become something else entirely, a much smaller local affair, so I’m going to try to remind myself of that every time I feel hurt. And I will graciously accept her suggestion of doing something nearer me, just the two of us. As some have said though, I don’t think I’ll quite forget this and if it becomes a pattern then I’ll definitely know where I stand.
I suppose if I’m really honest some of it comes from the fact that I know she’s moved on, she’s got DCs and a DP, soon to become DH, new friends. I’m still single and in the same place we used to live. I feel a bit as though I’ve been left behind, and that does sting, but I also know that’s just life, not her. I just miss my friend, the friend she used to be, I mean.

Op she did give you a choice, she gave you the choice to bring a plus one but you didn't want that, so she gave you another choice to go out somewhere nice the both of you and your still not happy, it seems she can't win.

Covermeinsunshine · 24/03/2024 11:39

I have a few long distance good friends of old. One came to my wedding knowing no one but me and my sister (who was obviously on a family table). One came with her partner who I’ve never met, they knew no one other than each other and my friend obviously me. The last came, and at the very last minute asked to bring a random person we both knew but I’d clearly not invited as we’re not close. He asked on the basis he wouldn’t know many people. It pissed me off and we’ve drifted since. But the other two had a blast. I made sure they were sitting near sociable people and if anything it’s strengthened our friendship. The way your friend is doing things, she’s isolating herself from her old friends and not allowing for mingling of the two periods of her life. If anything ever goes south with her marriage, she will have nothing to support her if she’s not careful. I’ve never understood people who do this.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, and I think whatever comes of this is her loss.

Stressedoutmammy · 24/03/2024 11:50

Aw I feel for you. But as others have said, it’s worth trying to resolve. I would say something like “oh that’s disappointing, I was really looking forward to it and I wouldn’t have minded coming on my own, but if you rather do something else let me know some dates!” And then when you do meet face to face you can decide whether to elaborate and whether the relationship is the same etc.

Concannon88 · 24/03/2024 12:52

FriendDilemma24 · 21/03/2024 16:55

Have name changed for this.

So, L and I, friends since school, now in our 40s. I’d do anything for her and she knows it.
We used to live near each other (London) and see each other all the time. Then she met a man and they now have two children. When she was pregnant with their first, they moved up North to be near her mum.
I still see her, she comes to London a couple of times a year for work, and I visit her and her DH & DCs whenever I’m invited.
Anyway, they’re now getting married and I got an invite to a party they’re planning afterwards. I said I’d love to go. Then I get a message saying it turns out that none of her other London friends can make it so it’s just local friends so I won’t know anyone so can we do something separate instead?
I’m so hurt. How do I respond to her? This is my best friend. I’d literally do anything for her! And she’s just uninvited me from her wedding party. AIBU to be upset?

Really don't get the devils advocate comments. You've been friends for decades and shes basically dropped you like a sack of shit with a pathetic excuse. You're a grown woman and surely its up to you if you feel comfortable mingling with strangers or not. God some people really aren't worth it.

Lampslights · 24/03/2024 13:23

Concannon88 · 24/03/2024 12:52

Really don't get the devils advocate comments. You've been friends for decades and shes basically dropped you like a sack of shit with a pathetic excuse. You're a grown woman and surely its up to you if you feel comfortable mingling with strangers or not. God some people really aren't worth it.

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What a horrible post. Just why? She clearly hasn’t and the op has accepted another date to meet up, and she was offered a plus one. Why come on and write something so horrible ?

Concannon88 · 24/03/2024 13:35

Lampslights · 24/03/2024 13:23

What a horrible post. Just why? She clearly hasn’t and the op has accepted another date to meet up, and she was offered a plus one. Why come on and write something so horrible ?

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Lol I think what the friend has done is the horrible crime! Best friends for 25 years and shes now not invited to the wedding... what the op has done speaks volumes about her character, how forgiving she is. The friend is still shit.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 24/03/2024 13:46

Concannon88 · 24/03/2024 13:35

Lol I think what the friend has done is the horrible crime! Best friends for 25 years and shes now not invited to the wedding... what the op has done speaks volumes about her character, how forgiving she is. The friend is still shit.

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No friends are going to the wedding. This was a separate party that will now have nobody that OP knows at it

Concannon88 · 24/03/2024 15:16

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 24/03/2024 13:46

No friends are going to the wedding. This was a separate party that will now have nobody that OP knows at it

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Yes I presume its a wedding reception party, the bride and groom are going so she'll know them won't she

Pinkdelight3 · 24/03/2024 15:31

Yes I presume its a wedding reception party, the bride and groom are going so she'll know them won't she

It's not a wedding reception party. It's on a different day. You really need to RTFT and not go off half-cocked with comments like the 'dropped you like a sack of shit'. Way OTT. OP is being much more reasonable and no one is being devil's advocate, just more balanced, as befits the quite reasonable situation.