Have been uninvited

[FriendDilemma24]

Have name changed for this.

So, L and I, friends since school, now in our 40s. I’d do anything for her and she knows it.
We used to live near each other (London) and see each other all the time. Then she met a man and they now have two children. When she was pregnant with their first, they moved up North to be near her mum.
I still see her, she comes to London a couple of times a year for work, and I visit her and her DH & DCs whenever I’m invited.
Anyway, they’re now getting married and I got an invite to a party they’re planning afterwards. I said I’d love to go. Then I get a message saying it turns out that none of her other London friends can make it so it’s just local friends so I won’t know anyone so can we do something separate instead?
I’m so hurt. How do I respond to her? This is my best friend. I’d literally do anything for her! And she’s just uninvited me from her wedding party. AIBU to be upset?

So sorry your friend has done that to you, I would be so upset. Sadly some of our very closest friends do these things to us and somehow we have to get through it and learn to move on, not sure how as I’m still daily struggling with my ex best friend (30 plus years) and how she now treats me.

My situation is the opposite way around we were going to have a very tiny wedding just us and witnesses, we have family issues and don’t have other people to invite. My best friend obviously knows all about it and I thought she was being rather strange so I had to outright ask her if she was planning to come to my wedding, I had asked her to be my witness. And I got told no she’s not coming as she can’t make it, the wedding was not booked and still isn’t and could have been any date she could do in the next two years. Beyond heartbreaking.

Just remember you are being the lovely best friend in your situation and not letting your friend down so it’s not you. Sadly some people suddenly change for no apparent reason.

This I don’t understand. Surely parties are different groups of people who then meet and chat and get to know each other. How do you meet people if you don’t go to things where you won’t know everyone? It’s fun. I love meeting my friends friends.

If she is truly your best friend why can't you just say, 'I would really like to be there when you get married, it would mean a great deal to me, I don't mind if I don't know anyone'. That's what I would do with my bf, but we can say anything to each other.

No it’s not awkward, if she truly cares for her as friend she wouldn’t have disinvited her simply for that reason, it’s a very very weak reason.

It looks like the friend has moved on and made other friends and OP is no longer as important to her as she thought.

I think she’s wrong to uninvite you but having read all your posts it’s probably because she ‘thinks’ she’ll have to entertain you as you won’t have any other friends there and as that’s too much for her you’re now uninvited.

It’s a rejection too though because she’s uninvited me from the party. I don’t think it’s so odd to be hurt by that. I mean, fine if she hadn’t invited me in the first place, I’d be fine with that, but to invite me and then uninvite me?

I’m so sorry your friend treated you like this. Did you ever find out why?

Do you know if her other friends are all couples - she might think that you’d feel uncomfortable?

I think they are. And they all know each other. But I wish she’d just said to me that she thinks I’d feel uncomfortable but it’s my call.

Your ex best friend sounds like mine. Suddenly you are no longer the best friend and there are lots of other best friends who are all more important. It’s really upsetting.

And I feel the poor OP has had to find out in such a nasty way too.

^^ this

I know a lot of people (including me) who found out who their real friends were when the weddings rolled around.

I'd back way off. Don't need to drop her but I'd bet thst if you let her do the running she will make no more effort with you.

Is she married with dc and you unmarried without dc? That does often cause a parting of the ways.

I can see why you'd be hurt and I would tell her this when I could do so calmly.

On the other hand, I really dislike mixing my friendship groups. I just don't relax in that situation as I feel obliged to make sure people are mixing and not being left out. I had two hen-dos for this reason (school friends vs local friends). It didn't mean I loved any of them less. I'd try and look at it this way.

I think this is reasonable. I think your take on the party from the OP’s friend’s POV is probably correct.

I agree with your post. Don’t think your friend meant to,upset you. She probably was thinking that if she was invited to a party not knowing anyone then she would probably not want to go and feels that you would be the same.
inthink she has been very clumsy and should have given you the choice to go or have a separate meet up.

You’ve known her a long time, surely you have met some of her family before? It won’t be that bad!!
I was recently invited to join my friend abroad and whilst there I attended her nieces 30th birthday party. I didn’t know anyone and a brilliant time was had by all. I’m struggling to see why she’s worried.

No it’s an ongoing thing now. Very complex as I’m the friend who moved away so still have friends in common etc in my home town and her grown up children are my very very dear nieces who I don’t want to lose and mean everything in the world to me, as did my friend she was my sister as far as I was concerned. And it’s got far worse since so very problematic.

Since the wedding situation, I have had MH illnesses and had therapy (relating to my childhood and ex partner and DV). My therapist suggested I give friend another chance just in case there’s been cross wires plus as I’m now NC with my family I can’t suddenly have literally no one as that’s not healthy . I agree the therapist was correct and had my best interests at heart. So I asked friend if she’d like to go for a weekend away just the two of us and she said yes. So I started saving up.

Then I saw her once when I went home on holiday which was arranged six months in advance and we had arranged to spend a day together (her choice of day and what we would do), she let me know after I’d arrived she couldn’t see me that day after all like she thought I already knew this. So I had to rearrange my whole week to see her a different day. I got to her house and half an hour later she had to go out. That’s the last time I physically saw her.

And to cut a very long story short after that visit I waited and waited to hear about our weekend away. In the end I had to ask as I had all the money saved and wanted to book it and I got a tirade of very awful texts. Truly hideous things were said to me as supposedly she knew nothing about this weekend and would have never have agreed to it. She said one thing that was a step too far for me so I did not respond and it was just left like that for months.

Then suddenly she was back in contact and I asked why as we aren’t speaking and she told me of course we are etc etc etc like it’s all fine and I’ve imagined the whole thing. So calling to confide in me about stuff etc. So so very confusing. Then I got nothing for Christmas not even a card and we always do cards.

We’ve both got milestone birthdays this year so I asked in January if she’s free at any point for me to visit or meet up for a coffee (I’d have to travel 8hours to do that coffee) and I got a no she’s not free on any day this year 🤷‍♀️

So I’ve stopped contact again as I can’t take the hurt anymore and just been sending Birthday and Easter cards to my dear nieces (her daughters).

It’s soul destroying so I really hope your friend does not do similar to you. As it seems to start with one weird out of character thing and escalate.

You do not uninvite someone from a party regardless. Your friend is completely in the wrong and has behaved badly.

It would have been OK for her to have expressed her concerns and suggest meeting up at another time but she should then have said ‘of course if you would still prefer to come to the party that’s absolutely fine’.

I would feel as you do OP.

She's not the great friend you think.

She probably is thinking of you as you won't know anyone at the party and she won't be able to spend much time with you as she will be the hostess and have to get round and chat to everyone. I wouldn't take offence if I were you! Why not suggest going for a celebratory meal or spa day just the two of you?

A little different to you OP, but I had a friend who I considered my 'best'friend. We had been friends since infant school, she was my MOH, whilst she had no attendants at her wedding, I played a very big part in her day. I was godmother to her children, supported her when her marriage broke down, helped with the children, especially when the eldest became very ill for several months. Then she met someone else and it grew into a full on relationship. I supported her and again, helped with the children when she asked (she never once offered to babysit mine, even when I asked her when I needed to attend a hospital appointment). She then announced her engagement and again, I was so happy for her. When she set the date, she said it was going to be close family only as her partner's mother was seriously ill and they didn't feel a big do would be appropriate. I completely understood. She had a hen night and I was invited, along with several of her partner's friend's wives. It was at the hen do that I discovered she was , in fact, having a big wedding ( 70 people, over double the size of her first wedding) and all the other people at the hen we're going as plus ones to their husbands/partners. I felt so hurt. Not only was I not invited, when these acquaintances made the cut, but she had lied to me about it for months. I felt such a fool. I can't describe how it made me feel, for a long time. When she called I let her call go to answerphone. I couldn't bring myself to talk to her. Not being invited was painful enough, but the thing that hurt moste, was the lying. I had known her for almost 30 years and thought she could have been honest. Clearly I was not as important to her as she had been to me. That was over 20 years ago and sometimes I still feel hurt, especially around our birthdays or other special dates.
OP, I suspect that your friend made the offer for you to bring a plus one, knowing you would say no thanks, and that gave her the excuse to uninvite you. She would know you well enough to know that a) you wouldn't have anyone to bring and
b) you are a sociable person and wouldn't have been worried about not knowing anyone there. Sadly, I think you played into her plan.
I'm sorry that she has hurt you in this way. 💐

@AndyPandyismyhero that is heartbreaking 😔 I'm so sorry she did that. It's just so inconceivable to me to be so cruel. Just goes to show she was acting. She probably has no heart. Red flag when she wouldn't mind your dcs. I hope you've found real friends.

All these saying she really is thinking of OP get real. Op is a functioning adult. She should have been given a choice.

I don’t think it would hurt to tell her how you feel, there is nothing to lose ?

I'd be disappointed by her response. My reply would be brief: "That's a shame, I would've liked to go. Hope you have a lovely day."