Have been uninvited

[FriendDilemma24]

Have name changed for this.

So, L and I, friends since school, now in our 40s. I’d do anything for her and she knows it.
We used to live near each other (London) and see each other all the time. Then she met a man and they now have two children. When she was pregnant with their first, they moved up North to be near her mum.
I still see her, she comes to London a couple of times a year for work, and I visit her and her DH & DCs whenever I’m invited.
Anyway, they’re now getting married and I got an invite to a party they’re planning afterwards. I said I’d love to go. Then I get a message saying it turns out that none of her other London friends can make it so it’s just local friends so I won’t know anyone so can we do something separate instead?
I’m so hurt. How do I respond to her? This is my best friend. I’d literally do anything for her! And she’s just uninvited me from her wedding party. AIBU to be upset?

I think the plus one thing actually really changes situation and is a massive drip feed. It’s clear you’re friends just worried you’ll feel left out. You don’t know these people, you might be happy talking to strangers but they might not want to talk to new people or block you out a bit and she might be aware of that! In light of the plus one thing I actually think you come across as quite childish.

She did offer a plus one. Read the OPs updates it’s not hard.

Yeah the plus one is a drip feed that changes this as it is far from what the op has said in her initial post.

shes said no one else she knows is coming, as such would she like to bring a plus one. The op said no, so she said I probably wouldn’t be able to spend much time with you, and as the op doesn’t know anyone else there, as suggested they meet up seperately and do something together to celebrate. Which is lovely.

the op has taken it very badly and now ghosted her.

OP, with kindness, she might not see you as sociable and easily adaptable to a social situation as you see yourself, and is being thoughtful and kind to you. I am basing this on you saying you "have no one (and she knows this)". This is a rather grim thing to say, and sounds quite depressive. It suggests that maybe you don't have any other good friends? I am not at all trying to be, hurtful, but rather I am suggesting that your best friend cares deeply about you, and perhaps thinks you wouldn't do well in this social situation, as she might have a different perspective on whether you are in fact sociable. She obviously really likes you and cares about you, I'm just saying that your updates about having no one make you seem a bit of a loner perhaps (which is fine).

On my way to pedant's corner, you've been disinvited, not univited!

Are the northern friends a different sort of dynamic? Have you spent time with any of them?

If they're all "parent friends/couples" and you are child free from a different time in her life, might she be worried that you'll have nothing in common with these people and float around feeling awkward?

There are certain types of people I'd hate to be flung amongst on my own.

If you go and don't gel with these people, then she's going to feel like she needs to chaperone you all night. Not all friend groups mix well.

Thanks so much for all the replies.
To those who said I should have mentioned the offer of a plus one at the start, I wasn’t trying to drip feed, just didn’t think of it.
To be clear, she’s not uninvited me from the actual wedding as I was never going to that, that’s just immediate family (literally just friend’s mum, sister, sister’s DH, and then friend’s DP’s parents, plus their two DCs). It’s during the week.
The party is at the weekend and just for friends, no family going, originally the happy couple invited all their friends (including me obviously!) but then everyone apart from their local friends, who all know each other (their DCs are all at the same school), couldn’t make it, which is when I got the offer of a plus one and then when I said no I got uninvited. She said she thought it was going to be lots of different groups of people there but now it’s not and instead she’s doing lots of little celebrations with different groups (she’s doing something with work friends and her NCT group), and would it be okay to do something different with just the two of us so she can spend time with me.
As some PP have said, it could be my friend trying to be nice and thinking of me, which is fair enough, but I still wish she’d given me the choice.

Oh, @AndyPandyismyhero that’s awful. I’m so sorry. I’m not surprised you didn’t answer her calls after that. To just flat out lie to your face is really nasty.

Are you sure she doesn't have an issue with your partner? Maybe she doesn't feel she can support the marriage, and that's why she'd be uncomfortable attending?

She said she thought it was going to be lots of different groups of people there but now it’s not and instead she’s doing lots of little celebrations with different groups (she’s doing something with work friends and her NCT group), and would it be okay to do something different with just the two of us so she can spend time with me.

This makes so much sense and I don't know why people are saying she's being rude and a dick etc. She's been really open about how plans have changed. It's not about you or treating you like a child or anything personal. She invited you when it was one thing and now it's not that thing and she's arranging something different with you like she is with all separate groups of friends.

You wouldn't expect to go on this specific friendship group's usual outings, would you? And if you went on one, you'd see that your friend would feel responsible for you, which isn't infantilising, it's just being a good friend and concerned host and it's okay for her to not want to feel that way around her wedding.

She thought it'd be a big party with different groups mingling. Now it's not. Everyone else gets that and is happy to do individual events with her. You wouldn't want to go along with the NCT group and with her work friends etc. so why hold out for this particular local friend's party just because you've saved the date. It feels rigidly inflexible and over-sensitive to stick to wanting to go and to make it an issue about how much she values you at her wedding. It's not even at her wedding.

There are many cases where being uninvited would have shitty implications but this really doesn't feel like one of them. She's handled it as well as can be and been open throughout. I'm sorry you feel hurt about it, but I think it's misplaced and you need to believe her that the plans have changed and go with the flow.

And I'd also stop fixating on the fact that her wanting to spend more time with you must be some kind of BS excuse because she wouldn't have spent more time with you at the event as original envisioned. As she's explained, that event was going to be full of people from different groups mixing together and as you're a sociable sort, she'd know you'd be in the swim of that kind of event and probably have a good time. One person joining an event with a single existing friendship group is a completely different situation where however sociable you are, she'd have to either ignore you for stretches to talk about group stuff or actively include you and not be her usual self with the group. Surely you can see that it's a different scenario and much better to have the separate meet up for the two of you where you can both enjoy yourselves?

Any kind of decent friend would have picked up the phone and talked to their old friend and outlined their thoughts and options.

I think you got so fixated on going to the Party you were unable to adjust and reacted very badly. Your friend has done a nice thing. She offered a plus one realising you’d just be there with other parents of local kids, smd likely adrift, and when you said no, offered something else up, as the party you were invited to is now no longer happening, it’s a different thing all together.

snd for this you’ve blanked her for a fortnight as all you could think about was going there and to a party,

Actually no. I'd only known this woman for about 10 years or so and I always knew she had other best friends and she knew I had other best friends too. We always did lots of things together - one time it was really nice as it was a Saturday or Sunday, we'd just been shopping and for lunch/brunch and suddenly she said 'you're my best friend' (of the moment obviously) which I didn't expect but knew. As she had a young (toddler) DD then but we used to go out (her DP's babysat) a lot we were close. She even wanted me to move (but I wasn't selling my house!) closer to hers so we could do gym visits and other things.

It was the way she treated me during our friendship, one particular incident, when I suddenly realised "you don't know the meaning of best friends or at least how it relates to me". There was another occasion, I'd been bullied for about 2-3 years where I worked, by 2 women, I'd had counselling for this and was really upset and trying to leave the company too. I once brought this up with her at lunch (her job had moved to the same area where I worked) and she spoke to me about how she thought she was being bullied too, but her idea of bullying wasn't that way at all, it was mostly ignoring her at the water cooler, she'd brought in donuts. Also, she was one of these people that expected people to be a certain way and to like her or to be friends with her because of common ground and I thought, you can't immediately expect this with new colleagues! But it was the way she immediately turned it round into comparing the bullying and I thought "you just don't get it do you?". But that wasn't why we fell out.

Ask her if she is going to wear her wedding dress when you meet up?

Why would she? The party isn't the same day as the wedding. The wedding is midweek and has no friends attending.

At the end of the day, ts her party and she's made what she thinks is the best call. She knows you and she knows these people. Maybe she knows well enough that you won't mesh well togehter. You seem insistent on making this about you

If you feel that strongly then by all means huff and tell her not to bother seeing you at all.

I’m not making this all about me and I’m certainly not huffing! I’m hurt, yes, but posted on here to find out what others thought because I couldn’t work out whether I was BU or not. As I’ve said several times, the comments have given me food for thought.

@FriendDilemma24 I'd still tell her it's upset you. If she's that good a friend she will take it on board.

This is the best advice ever OP. You have been demoted, demote in kind. Then the universe and the stars seem to be aligned again. Don´t put yourself out.

If it was my friend, I'd just ask. Would she prefer you to come (given you're very happy to socialise with strangers), or would she feel torn if you cane trying to make sure you were okay and not left out. Whilichever she wanted or I thought deep down she wanted - I'd go with. It's her wedding, do whatever things allow her to be most relaxed. I struggle with all the wedding dramas as I do often feel a bit sorry for the couples trying to think of a million things and not to fuck up ant of the millions of politic-y faux paus (sp? :) )

Don't make her more stressed, don't lose or damage a friendship. It's all a big big deal for her, but shouldn't be for you :)

Would she prefer you to come (given you're very happy to socialise with strangers), or would she feel torn if you cane trying to make sure you were okay and not left out.

I'd say the friend's already answered this in what she's said so far and the answer is clearly the latter, but you're right, perhaps OP needs it spelling out, even if it might make things more uncomfortable for both them.

I initially voted YANBU and thought this sounded really hurtful but I’ve completely changed my perspective after reading your updates!!
It sounds like the nature of her party has completely changed, she thought it was going to be lots of diff people, now it’s just one group.
She wasn’t just dropping you, she cared about you enough to offer you an extra invite!! But you said no, so she then suggested organising something just the two of you, local to you. She sounds like a good friend who cares.
if her party is now just local friends it would completely change the dynamic to have one extra person there who doesn’t know anyone else; it doesn’t really sound like a wedding party anymore, just a local gathering for friends.
i think given your updates you are being way too sensitive and needy and a little bit self involved tbh. I don’t think this is about you or your friendship, it’s about your friend being anxious about the social dynamics of an event she’s hosting and wanting to look after everyone, including you!

OP is supposed to be her best friend though.

Now I've reread OP's update - I suppose it does make it better but why is the friend having so many parties or get togethers? Up to the friend of course.

I can see from OP's friend's POV, OP doesn't have a plus one and none of the other London friends will be there, so the friend may think she has to babysit/look after OP more than her other friends.

But there could be other ways around this, if other single friends were coming who aren't from London then OP could sit with them. One of my SIL's (DB's DW) best friends was a schoolfriend and so only really knew family from the wedding and at the hen do. She was in filming though and so offered to film the wedding which she loved and still got a chance to mingle with the guests and the bride and groom.

If I were OP I would be upset that as a best friend I'd been uninvited from one of the most important events of her life.

But the not a wedding.

Where as a single person it's easier -watch the wedding, sit and eat dinner, bit of chat during photos etc.

This is a separate party later on. Just an evening.