Have been uninvited

[FriendDilemma24]

Have name changed for this.

So, L and I, friends since school, now in our 40s. I’d do anything for her and she knows it.
We used to live near each other (London) and see each other all the time. Then she met a man and they now have two children. When she was pregnant with their first, they moved up North to be near her mum.
I still see her, she comes to London a couple of times a year for work, and I visit her and her DH & DCs whenever I’m invited.
Anyway, they’re now getting married and I got an invite to a party they’re planning afterwards. I said I’d love to go. Then I get a message saying it turns out that none of her other London friends can make it so it’s just local friends so I won’t know anyone so can we do something separate instead?
I’m so hurt. How do I respond to her? This is my best friend. I’d literally do anything for her! And she’s just uninvited me from her wedding party. AIBU to be upset?

OP is supposed to be her best friend though.

Lots of people have pointed out that it's the OP saying this is her best friend and OP hasn't said 'no, no, she tells me I'm her best friend too', she's accepted that it may be her perspective but not this friends. And for many adults, the best friend that's above all others classification no longer applies, especially when they live far apart and have closer day to day friends now. So I don't think 'but I'm your best friend' trumps all other reason in this situation.

Now I've reread OP's update - I suppose it does make it better but why is the friend having so many parties or get togethers? Up to the friend of course.

The update explains really clearly why she's having so many get-togethers. How have you not got that?

I think that some times weddings can bring out the worse in people. One of my friend's was very friendly with this lady for year's. She dropped all and supported her when her when her husband to be decided he did not want to get married 2 months before the wedding.

A few years later on a night out with my friend this lady met another man.

This lady got engaged and never asked my friend to be bridesmaid. Instead she asked another friend who was part of a couple. My friend was disappointed after all the help she give her. My friend was unemployed when they got married and give her a present worth about £70 at the time apox 18 years ago.

My friend kept in contact with her and they met up on occasion. My friend then got a house and asked her over to see the house. The house was a few miles from the friends work place. It took the friend months to find the time to call and she then give my friend a house warming present that was with at most £25. Her friend and husband have good jobs and are comfortable off.

My friend finally saw just where she stood with her. She said to me it was the lack of making the time to call over and be happy for me. She was expecting a decent present from her and what she got was I saw this cheap thing and thought it was good enough for you.
My friend decided after this that she was no longer going to make as much effort going forward with her. In fact they have barely seen each other since then.

In your situation I would not drop all for this friend. Send her something like I hope your wedding day and party goes well and we will meet up after this. Let your friend find the time and arrange to meet when it suits you. After not inviting you to her wedding or this party she can't be expecting an expensive wedding present from you either. I put the money I would have spent on her occasion to go away somewhere with your husband/partner or another friend.

Wow, so the thing that finally made her think she 'wasn't a friend' was she "only" spent £25 on a housewarming present? Could she be any more grabby? How much she and her husband earn is irrelevant to how much they spend on your "friend", sounds like the other person had a lucky escape!

I'm petty and hold a grudge - when she comes up with alternative ideas I'd be snide comments 🙈🤣

I think you’ve misread this. Sounds like she was worried about you not knowing anyone and not having enough time to spend with you, so she invited you to something she thought you would enjoy more.

She’s probably offended you haven’t replied to her suggestions about how the two of you can celebrate her marriage.

I think this is just a misunderstanding. I’d reach out and say I think/hope I got the wrong end of the stick blah blah blah.

I understand the pain of having the penny drop thar we don't mean as much to people as they mean to us 💔

Just tell her that you're not bothered about knowing anyone there, because she's your best friend and you would really love to be there for her special day!

I think this is far more likely. My best friend also lives a long way from me and also decided to only invite local friends to her wedding. She's got a lovely community and I complete got it .. if she'd invited me it would have changed the dynamics and she just wanted a low key celebration. Why don't you talk to her about it ? X

Party where I know hardly anyone bar the host, or a great day out or lunch together where I actually get to spend quality time with my friend?
i'd definitely prefer the second option.

You're being invited to a party they're planning after the wedding? So they didn't actually invite you to the wedding? At all? Or is this the Reception?
First of all, if people don't invite you to their marriage vows, you're not that close to them.
Second, if you were just invited to the Reception afterwards, they could have given you the option to sit at a table with people you might share an interest with.
Third, why are none of the other London friends attending? You should speak to them. If only to hear other people say that she's not that important to them.
Fourth, your friend is now married with children. Neither of you are going to be significantly important to each other in the future, if she's not inviting you to her marriage vows.
Friends are there for a reason or a season. And then you move on.
Time for you to find new friends who are there to also support you.

If you're truly friends then she should know how her actions have affected you. I would be honest with her and say how sad you are to be disinvited from her wedding and its making you feel like she doesn't value your friendship.

Send her a thumbs up 😂

Seriously just like her wedding photos and put her into acquaintance zone she has in her mind moved on

I feel the same. I'd feel hurt in your situation too. The fact she hasn't checked in with you since disinviting you speaks volumes. If I still cared about a friend and I suspected they were upset with something I'd done, I'd contact them and explain. She hasn't. She's relieved you've not made a fuss.

I'm sorry, OP, it's shit and probably not what you want to hear. But better to let this one go. I'd wait to see if I ever heard from her again, but wouldn't be surprised if I didn't.

Try to see her before the wedding and tell her you are not daunted by strangers but would love to see her married. Personally, I would prefer the service rather than the party, but she will end up inviting you to that. She’s forgotten how you two were.

I am sorry you feel hurt, and obviously your feelings are valid. But I truly would see this as her showing a lot of consideration and care for you. Don’t ruin a friendship over such a misunderstanding - surely it’s worth more than that!

I more or less agree with this. OP hasn't been invited to the wedding, because nobody has - it's a tiny wedding. The 'party' is perhaps now a fairly small gathering for a specific group. The alternative suggestion (a 1:1 get together) might be absolutely fine, and more special.

I can understand why you feel hurt but it sounds as if the whole 'party' thing has changed. You said she's now doing lots of smaller 'parties' with her various groups of friends because some people pulled out and couldn't make it. Is that right?
If that's what it is now, I think she was probably just thinking of you.
I think it's maybe a bit rude if you not to have replied to her in two weeks though. You should have communicated at the time.

I don't think genuine friends behave like that OP. I am sorry to say it but a wedding is a major life event and if she doesn't want you there I'd say the friendship is over .

As I said earlier in the thread, I'm outgoing and confident but I wouldn't want to attend a party hundreds of miles away where I don't know anyone except the host.
You think she's leaving you out...she thinks she's giving you a pass for an event you wouldn't particularly enjoy. She has been upfront about it too. London lot not coming, not much fun for you. Yeah she might have offered the choice...but possibly feared she'd have to take care of you because you would be out on a limb on your own.
Think you ought to dust yourself down from this one and reply to your friend.

Maybe to you. It sounds as though this pair are going for an informal wedding style with an intimate close family ceremony mid-week then a party at the weekend.
Incidentally, I don't agree that a wedding is a major life event...not nowadays. Given how they have chosen to do it, I could assume they feel the same. It's a cause for celebration sure...but it's not an achievement.
Many weddings these days are pretty nominal.

The friend has not checked in with her because op has ignored her for 2 weeks especially as the friend has been trying to do the right thing by op. Perhaps the friend is sat at home feeling really sad because it's her wedding and she has tried to make things better for the op and has been shunned.

Your friend was planning to have a party (not even on the day of the wedding). She has since decided to have several smaller parties/gatherings with her separate groups of friends. This was such a massive drip feed. You are being entirely unreasonable. And in no realm have you been "uninvited" from anything. Your poor friend, who sounds lovely! What an absolute drama queen you are.

Maybe she’s thinking of costs ? She now just seems to be having a little party with only the childrens friends parents and doing little bits with other friends and colleagues as and when. Things have maybe got tighter financially since they set the date .

Has been really interesting reading all these comments, which vary from my friend is cruel and a dick, and I’m ‘right’ to be hurt, to I should get over myself and stop making it all about me, she’s trying to be thoughtful. As I’ve said several times, I wish she’d given me the choice because I wouldn’t have felt so upset then, but as several people have pointed out, the original party, which I was invited to, has now changed and become something else entirely, a much smaller local affair, so I’m going to try to remind myself of that every time I feel hurt. And I will graciously accept her suggestion of doing something nearer me, just the two of us. As some have said though, I don’t think I’ll quite forget this and if it becomes a pattern then I’ll definitely know where I stand.
I suppose if I’m really honest some of it comes from the fact that I know she’s moved on, she’s got DCs and a DP, soon to become DH, new friends. I’m still single and in the same place we used to live. I feel a bit as though I’ve been left behind, and that does sting, but I also know that’s just life, not her. I just miss my friend, the friend she used to be, I mean.

I know a lot of people (including me) who found out who their real friends were when the weddings rolled around.

This was my experience too. I saw her wedding pictures and saw that everyone else was there but me. The friendship never recovered.