Have been uninvited

[FriendDilemma24]

Have name changed for this.

So, L and I, friends since school, now in our 40s. I’d do anything for her and she knows it.
We used to live near each other (London) and see each other all the time. Then she met a man and they now have two children. When she was pregnant with their first, they moved up North to be near her mum.
I still see her, she comes to London a couple of times a year for work, and I visit her and her DH & DCs whenever I’m invited.
Anyway, they’re now getting married and I got an invite to a party they’re planning afterwards. I said I’d love to go. Then I get a message saying it turns out that none of her other London friends can make it so it’s just local friends so I won’t know anyone so can we do something separate instead?
I’m so hurt. How do I respond to her? This is my best friend. I’d literally do anything for her! And she’s just uninvited me from her wedding party. AIBU to be upset?

I must admit I have a friend who is just like yours, invites me out and disappears with some random stranger till she gets bored of him and wants to move on, didn’t show up for my wedding 🙄then later told me she was pregnant, and the farther had done the dirty, just brush it off to experience she will need you before you need her 😃she’s not worth crying over! Have a great night out with your other friends without her!

Your one of those people that cannot put the shoe on the other foot, incapable of seeing things in the round or very needy. Good luck.

Oh bugger off with this attitude. Why do people in their 40s need to lie down in a coffin- some can remain (feeling) young and free and living their best life, just because you are miserable, does not mean everyone needs to be dragged to the same level.

I really feel for you as I had similar and know it feels like a big slap in the face. Sending a big hug. I don't really get it surely she could just say bring a plus one as you won't know anyone.

When similar happened to me it was depressing at the time especially as I felt like the tag along in other friend groups too. In the end I gave up and kept myself to myself really just focusing on work and family. However a few years have passed since then and I have somehow found straight forward friends who are easy to be around and feel much more at peace in life and with myself in general.
I look back and remember that that friend's long term ex boyfriend told her how she had once made him feel totally discarded and depressed; how her family members told her before she could be really harsh with people including her brother who was suicidal; and how friends had told her she was really unkind to another ex boyfriend. I can see the bigger picture and genuinely don't have any desire to see her now at all - it felt like a lot of stress and effort for not a lot of positives compared to my friends now.

It's always the same on here when it comes to wedding invites, OP - there's always the 'their wedding, their choice' brigade who come out punching and it always gets nasty! Lord knows why people get so defensive over bloody weddings?! They really do seem to bring out the worst in some people.

At the end of the day, you don't know your friend's true reasoning and you probably never will. If she is supposedly 'thinking of you' then she's gone about it really rather clumsily, IMO.

You have every right to be hurt and your feelings don't take a single things away from the 'Oh so special bride who may not be questioned in any capacity' according to some Mumsnetters😂

You've left it rather a long time to reply now and, as others have pointed out, if she were worried about you she would have sent another message. I mean, uninviting someone from your wedding is pretty drastic - you'd think she'd have realised you were hurt by now when you haven't replied for weeks!!

I'd be tempted to leave it now and back off the friendship. She's made it clear that she doesn't regard you as a best friend, as hard as that may be for you.

I agree that you'd be better off putting your time and effort into newer friendships, OP.

It sounds like your friend is going to find it uncomfortable or difficult to manage the party with you there because she's a different person with her other friends - maybe they have more situational things in common, whereas maybe you and she fall back on memories and ongoing conversations that aren't really of interest or relevance to her new friends. Different friends can bring out different aspects of your personality. I have some friends that I can be kind of wild with, other friends where the vibe is much more nerdy. I'm sure they'd mostly like each other, but I wouldn't like to have to host a party with one nerd and twenty wild ones! (Or vice versa.)

She invited you to bring a plus one. If you don't have a partner, why not bring a friend or a date with you? Then you'll have someone to talk to and your friend won't have to worry about you. I know you think you can just say, oh don't worry about me, but I think anyone who cared about you would worry about you not knowing anyone, and since it's her party, she will feel responsible.

Either way, I wouldn't choose to take this as a rejection. She's given you a couple of choices about how you can still be involved, either by bringing a plus one to the party, or meeting her separately. I think you run the risk of upsetting her by not responding to her message. I would apologise for that, and let her know how happy you are for her, and you'd love to spend time with her. If you're sure you don't want to go to the party, maybe you could organise something for the two of you to do instead and make it a lovely celebration of her.

She hasn't got the choice to go. She's been uninvited and asked to do something else to celebrate with the bride instead of the party.

I do agree that for some reason it sounds like the bride doesn't want her there with her new friends, though.

Clearly the OP views her as a better friend than what is reciprocated.

I’m torn on this one. I moved from London to ‘the north’ and felt the difference quite strongly, I felt there was a bit of friction there and my London friends didn’t really gel with my northern friends that easily.
Personally I love parties where I know very few people, it’s interesting to find out about people and their lives. I’m not massively confident but can project confident for an evening.
I would also be pretty hurt in this scenario. I hate confrontation so would probably agree to meeting just the two of you (even though this seems strange to me? Surely a wedding is about the couple bringing their friends and family together, and fingers crossed you will meet again at hallmark birthdays and celebrations in the future?) But I would be distancing myself from the friendship or hoping for some reassurance that my friendship is valued.

@FriendDilemma24 I've read all your posts and have to say I've gone through all the motions, firstly I thought she was awful, then I understood why she's done it after you declined a plus one. At my wedding I spent far too much of it talking to friends and family and catching up rather than just enjoying the day with my husband. Your friend is having a tiny wedding so she clearly doesn't want a big fuss. I get her perspective as I literally won't have a party because I hate mixing my family and friend groups. I honestly don't think it's you that isn't important to her, I think it's the party fuss. I can see why you are hurt at the same time and really sympathise with how you feel about being left behind, we all have different time lines and yes, drift a bit when we have different lifestyles but I'm sure you will have what she has and you will come back together again later on. I wouldn't write your friendship off. Also, ignore the nasty people you sound like a nice person not weird or self indulgent just unsure and a bit insecure over where your friends head is at x

Ah, thank you @Blondebrunette1, this is a very thoughtful response and it’s good to hear from someone who’s been on the other side of it (the bride, I mean, not the uninviting people bit!). I do know she wants both the wedding and the party to be really low key, she’s really not into being the centre of attention or anything very formal. And thank you for your kind words. X

Could it be budget constraints and shes too embarrassed to say? Or maybe she does think its a long way for you to go if you don't know anyone and shes doing you a favour

She sort of said would it be okay to do something separately, so she gets to see more of me but I feel like it’s just an excuse

Is that just your interpretation though?

Couldn't you have said that you'd love to do both?

I understand your hurt. It is hard when someone do close suddenly has a new life and your not really part of it. One of my closest friends who was my bridesmaid got married and I was not asked to be bridesmaid. It really hurt but then I realised we had both moved on and I was clinging to that childhood friend just a little too much. We are still fabulous friends but have such different lives. I always think we all are on different paths and sometimes they cross. Don’t dwell and keep on your journey.

i’ve followed this thread and I can see maybe why your friend has done it and I think she’s done it for you and for her.

she wants to enjoy her wedding party without worrying about if you are ok and stressing that she needs to chat to you all night because you are on your own, I don’t know you but you come across as a bit intense and needy about this friendship. Is there really no one you could have took as a plus one? You must have other friends, they don’t have to know her to be your plus one.

I know it’s hurtful and at the end of the day I do agree it should be your choice to make but I can see both sides.

Just a couple of things - maybe your friend feels she’s changed and is not the person she was when living in London ? Perhaps she’s worried with the champagne flowing that you’ll let the cat out of the bag to her new friends about past experiences which she may now find cringe-worthy ? Or maybe she just likes to compartmentalise her different friendship groups, and doesn’t want you infiltrating her current closest one ? Her personality may vary slightly from group to group and she may feel embarrassed about that being seen by a friend who knows her so well.
Or it could just be a blip in communication, so I would try to address this before putting a strike against her name (which you of course can do afterwards, if fully deserved!).
As it’s her big day and she may be feeling a little anxious about things, so I probably would give her the final decision, whilst letting her know you are happy just to be there to share her special day with her, even if you know she won’t be able to share much of it with you - but are also happy to do something alternative if she’d prefer. A special weekend celebrating together may be far more personal and enjoyable for you both, rather than leaving the wedding party feeling a little sad that you’d travelled all that way but barely got 2 minutes with your friend.
Jeez I’ve thought about this haven’t I ?!
Hope you get it sorted though. I don’t think as grown adults we expect the dynamic of good friendships to change or falter much, but it is extremely normal as we all navigate our individual journeys down different paths.

This. Actually this with 🔔 on.

I think there is a bit of negativity in comments. Effort needed from both sides to maintain friendships . She may be trying to get you out of awkward spot or considering convenience for everyone. I would say leave things to her and respond like ‘I am flexible could still been able to come but if you think it’s better/more convenient to meet separately then let’s do that ‘

Thank you. This is helpful. Don’t dwell and keep on your journey is excellent life advice!

Also with good friends and things like these it’s always nice to pickup phone rather than keep chatting calling can make things simpler.

Thank you. I can see both sides too now after posting.

I presume you mean who and not that. Because that's all you can say to my logical response? Actually no, unfortunately I cannot ever see myself uninviting a very longstanding friend from a wedding reception for any reason other than I dont want to be friends with them any longer. But thats not what the op has said. It seems some people (you) just hate taking the op's side. I'd bet a million squids on you taking her side if it was the best mate making a post about this though.

But thats not what the friend has done is it. Shes having one party and uninvited her from it. Shes then offered a meet up on a separate occasion. Which I doubt will happen.

Uninvited not univited

Hoist by my own petard! 😃

It this isn't a wedding reception?

It's just the first party after they got married. Without family. Not any sort of wedding reception.

And now seems like just local friends and their kids. Can't think I'd want to attend what sounded like an adult party and now is a family focussed ones with kids?