Have been uninvited

[FriendDilemma24]

Have name changed for this.

So, L and I, friends since school, now in our 40s. I’d do anything for her and she knows it.
We used to live near each other (London) and see each other all the time. Then she met a man and they now have two children. When she was pregnant with their first, they moved up North to be near her mum.
I still see her, she comes to London a couple of times a year for work, and I visit her and her DH & DCs whenever I’m invited.
Anyway, they’re now getting married and I got an invite to a party they’re planning afterwards. I said I’d love to go. Then I get a message saying it turns out that none of her other London friends can make it so it’s just local friends so I won’t know anyone so can we do something separate instead?
I’m so hurt. How do I respond to her? This is my best friend. I’d literally do anything for her! And she’s just uninvited me from her wedding party. AIBU to be upset?

I love long distance from my best friends and we have drifted over the years.

I think she's probably genuinely concerned it would be awkward for you not knowing anyone, as well maybe fearing she'd have to look after you (a bit).
I know you said you're very sociable and I believe you but not knowing a soul other than the bride would be off-putting to most, including your friend (I'm guessing). I'm outgoing but I'd not fancy it tbh. I'd be glad to get out of it. Would your friend attend in the same circumstances or would that be a no thank you from her?
She might think she's making things easier for you.

If you do see her separately, let her do the running. She should organise it and it should be near you or halfway, not near her.

And don’t get her a gift!

Actually she has already suggested the ‘something else’, she sort of uninvited me and suggested the alternative in one go. But I haven’t replied because I don’t know how to, I’m so hurt.

I think......... I wouldnt mind at all because going to a party where you know nobody except the host doesnt sound like fun at all. Especially as you wont meet those people again.
A night out with just her sounds like a lot more fun to me.

She has suggested something and it is near me. But I’d rather go to the party!

Then just tell her you'd rather go to the party and don't mind not knowing anyone?

I'd never 'do anything for' a person, you said this twice, is it not a bit desperate/doormat-esque?

I would be hurt too. Take your time to reply. Weddings are all about mixing up the different important people in your life.

On another note, it’s nice to ‘see’ a fellow sociable person on MN. A rare breed!

Maybe she’s thinking you might be sitting on your own at the party as you don’t know anyone.
Then she’ll feel bad and have to spend more time with you when she could be just socialising generally.
We invited a friend from out of town for my mums 70th.
She sat on her own all night and it felt a bit awkward so I had to keep checking on her when I’d really rather be chatting to my own friends and family.
Something like that maybe ?

How long has it been since she sent the message with no response from you? If you were my best friend and I was genuinely concerned you wouldn't want to come hence the uninvite, I would probably be checking up on you if you hadn't responded after a day or so in fear you took it the wrong way.

If it's been a few days and she hasn't sent you any further messages then I don't think she cares that much...?

Ooof. That’s so off. I don’t blame you. Quite frankly I’d tell her how you feel. Just because you’re getting married it doesn’t mean you get to be a bit on an arsehole and a shitty host.

This with bells on!

Going against the grain here, I can see where she is coming from. Maybe she is concerned you won't know anyone and it's a long way to come if you feel left out and as the bride she wont be able to spend a lot of time with you, so she is suggesting you two do something separate, just the two of you.

My take on it is that you haven't so much been uninvited, as upgraded.

But that's not how you feel. So you need to reply and say you would really like to celebrate with her on her wedding day, you realise she will be busy with other guests but she isn't to worry about you, you are a big girl and can chat to others. But a separate catch-up, just the two of you would be great too.

I actually think it’s very thoughtful of her

I agree with @Obeast just up there.
I wouldn't 'do anything' for anyone either. No friend of mine has unconditional devotion. How I am depends on how they are and vice versa.
My free time is precious.

Eta: Hence I wouldn't be keen to attend a party hundreds of miles from home where I didn't know anyone except the host.

She's probably struggling to keep to budget and looking for ways to cut down

She may just be overthinking it - thinking you won’t know anyone, wouldn’t enjoy it etc etc - rather than a personal un invitation

I'd never 'do anything for' a person, you said this twice, is it not a bit desperate/doormat-esque?

Probably! It is one of my issues, I know. I often seem to get myself into relationships, romantic ones I mean, where I care more about the other person than they do me.

It's not thoughtful if you aren't giving your friend a choice.
There wouldn't have been any harm in asking the Op - presumably a close friend if not best friend and as such somebody she respects - what she would prefer to do.

Thank you. This is what I think.

This is the perfect reply. Thank you. Will message her to say this.

It’s been a couple of weeks. Which I guess says a lot.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. I think you need to have a chat with her rather than sending messages. It sounds as if it is not a conventional wedding and they dynamics of a party where everyone knows each other apart from one person can be tricky.

I can see why you might be disappointed, but I don't think this necessarily means that there is a problem with your friendship (not unless you find that other non-local people have been included).

Personally I'd reply saying "That's a shame, I was looking forward to it, but DP and I would love to to something special with your new husband to celebrate instead." Then make some suggestions of dinner, weekend away etc as appropriate.

I think she could have handled it better and given you a choice, but if she's a good friend, and you don't think she's trying to shoulder you out of her life, maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps she doesn't really want the party, so it's less stressful for her just to keep it small and for a particular group of friends.
I'd say yes to the 1:1 get together, go and have a lovely time with her.

Perhaps she thinks she would have to shepherd you and doesn't want the responsibility.