Have been uninvited

[FriendDilemma24]

Have name changed for this.

So, L and I, friends since school, now in our 40s. I’d do anything for her and she knows it.
We used to live near each other (London) and see each other all the time. Then she met a man and they now have two children. When she was pregnant with their first, they moved up North to be near her mum.
I still see her, she comes to London a couple of times a year for work, and I visit her and her DH & DCs whenever I’m invited.
Anyway, they’re now getting married and I got an invite to a party they’re planning afterwards. I said I’d love to go. Then I get a message saying it turns out that none of her other London friends can make it so it’s just local friends so I won’t know anyone so can we do something separate instead?
I’m so hurt. How do I respond to her? This is my best friend. I’d literally do anything for her! And she’s just uninvited me from her wedding party. AIBU to be upset?

I think it's suss that she had the other off all ready to go
I'd leave it,she's made her choice.
Her loss just done be suckered back in with an invite when the others start pulling out.

To uninvite your best friend is so rude. Couldnt she have just said you're welcome to a bring a plus one? She was going to have all her London friends anyway , who are now not coming so you having a plus one especially as her bb wouldn't have been an issue surely

That's quite an insensitive thing to do with little to no thought put in. I had a similar situation and like the others have said she is your best friend you are not hers.

Its quite funny how we can have lovers who have broken our hearts but the pain of losing a friend or losing part of a friendship is far worse.

I don't think you should reply. She's put you in the 'London group' and distanced you. Give it a few days perhaps to think and feel

That does sound awkward OP, I read it (seeing as she specifically asked you about bringing a plus one) that she would feel guilty you being on your own and her not having any time to spend with you, it may potentially make her feel bad and put a bit of a downer on the day for her, which she is obviously trying to avoid.

I'd definitely say she's got your interests at heart, otherwise she wouldn't have invited you at all, she just assumed other friends would be there or you may bring someone so she wouldn't feel bad if you were left on your own.

I can understand her perspective on it, but understand how hurtful it seems.

I'd be inclined to be open & honest and tell her you can't help feeling a bit hurt cause you actually enjoy meeting new people. If she is that close a friend you should be comfortable sharing your honest feelings.

Is she a weird one who only wants couples at her wedding?

I’ve met one and heard of several more brides to be who focus on only having couple friends once the diamond is firmly on their hand.

Sorry, but I’ve been to plenty of parties/functions and yes, weddings, where I did not know anyone. Are you so unsocialised that you can’t handle yourself in those situations? For your own good, perhaps you should. It’s called being an adult.

I’ve met those too. They call you when they’re getting divorced though.

Edited - ignore me, I missed one of OP's updates.

And if you'd decided not to attend (because you'd be like a spare thumb, alone in a party full of strangers) you'd've expected your friend to understand, and not get arsey about it/ignore your messages.

It's her wedding day, she won't have time nor, probably, the inclination to spend the party making sure you're okay and not feeling alone and isolated. You don't seem to be giving any thought to her perspective (and perhaps thats why the friendship is fading).

Op, it’s poor form to uninvite you. I’d send a quick note, “Oh gosh, I’ve never been uninvited to a wedding before. I didn’t realise it’s a thing! But no worries, appreciate your concern about being the only Londoner. Most thoughtful of you. And despite having looked forward to attending, I hope to see you for that catch-up when you’re settled afterwards sometime. All the best and have a great one!”

Ok, it’s passive aggressive and just writing it out (and not sending!) May make you feel better ;-)

I don’t have enough friends to be choosy lol and not in a position to make new friends due to illness. It did hurt but it was either let it eat me up or move on. As DH said she might be your BF but I’m not hers anymore.

I'd cool off a little OP and you'll soon see if she values your obviously great friendship.

You'll soon know x but I'm so sorry you're hurt

@FriendDilemma24 i would tell the friend how you feel about being uninvited why protect her from now knowing that she’s hurt you. That’s a bit stupid because no one else from London is going. It’s a special day it doesn’t matter if others are not going she should have let you decide. I’d tell her and then let it be on your terms

I am sorry you have been hurt.

I've always considered a person I've known for 50 years to be a close friend - and after a recent group holiday, realise she doesn't care about me in the same way I care about her, at all. She just can't be the person I needed her to be. I am still in contact with her, but doubt I will see her again.

To me it sounds like she's trying to be nice, maybe she thinks it'll be a pain for you to travel for a party where you won't know anyone.

My friend had a 40th party a 9 hour drive away, I didn't know any of her friends. If she'd said to me let's do something separate instead I'd have been delighted.

Is your friend more like you (sociable, happy to go to a party not knowing anyone)? Or is she more like me (wd hate that)? If she's the latter, maybe she's thinking she's being considerate as that's what she'd prefer if it was her?

I'm all for bride invites who she wants but this is awful. I cannot imagine doing this. I'd be going very lc if not nc.

Maybe I'm weird but I see this more from your friend's perspective.

The dynamic is different when everyone attending a gathering is a couple and they know each other. Sometimes people have friends who they know won't mix well.

Nor can you underestimate the drain of having to host and make sure everyone feels included.

I think her offer to do something else instead was kind and a deliberate attempt to try and not make you feel left out.

my little sister had her "london friends" -Hen do...and her real friends"actual hen thing...she isnt saying you arent her friendanything but s hses save you spend shite time wi..not as fabby people as you should.think with your head

"i would do anything for her"...what??Except put HER feelings above your own?
Sure -you might feel rejected...she has one crack at this-its her time...shes not excluded you at all.its HER celebration,keep it as easy and memorable for all the good reasons..xx

It says, “I’ve uninvited you and that’s all I’m saying about that.

Please, @FriendDilemma24— don’t make it more awkward and not take no for an answer.
If you want to answer your friend, tell her how much you were looking forward to seeing her married and how very disappointed you are.
Short and sweet.
Then stop all contact. Don’t agree to her alternative - don’t even mention it. If she’s sincere about it then she’ll be in touch.
I’m so sorry. I know how friends can let you down and how it hurts your heart.
Remember — it’s her - it’s not you.

YANBU to be hurt. You’re an adult rather than disinviting you she could have trusted you to decline if this was a problem for you. Similarly she could have introduced you to other guests and asked them to make sure you are included at the party.

Have you met her family/ friends before? Is there a reason she might not want to expose you to them? Decline and distance.

This is a friendship of long duration. I wouldn’t throw it away because of this. Be clear. Say you didn’t respond for some time because you’re finding the situation confusing. You appreciate she wouldn’t want the pressure to feel you are a burden on her wedding day. However, you still would have preferred to see her married as you are a confident person and would have been fine. You were really looking forward to seeing her married. Then wish her well for the big day.

Exactly this. Going to a wedding is different to an alternative. I’d like to see a friend get married not go for lunch as an alternative to that day that’s 2 different things. I’m not sure how pp can say that The alternative is better. That’s just what they normally do anyway.

If she's your best friend and 'you'd do anything for her' , then go along with her request to have a separate get together

If she's your best friend you could choose to see this change to the invite as caring for you and ensuring that you're not at a party where you know no one

But you haven't done either ^

I'd suggest that you and she are just regular long distance friends, not best friends at all.