Have been uninvited

[FriendDilemma24]

Have name changed for this.

So, L and I, friends since school, now in our 40s. I’d do anything for her and she knows it.
We used to live near each other (London) and see each other all the time. Then she met a man and they now have two children. When she was pregnant with their first, they moved up North to be near her mum.
I still see her, she comes to London a couple of times a year for work, and I visit her and her DH & DCs whenever I’m invited.
Anyway, they’re now getting married and I got an invite to a party they’re planning afterwards. I said I’d love to go. Then I get a message saying it turns out that none of her other London friends can make it so it’s just local friends so I won’t know anyone so can we do something separate instead?
I’m so hurt. How do I respond to her? This is my best friend. I’d literally do anything for her! And she’s just uninvited me from her wedding party. AIBU to be upset?

I had this recently was told that no friends were invited so I licked my wounds…..was gutted when I saw the wedding pics to see a friend people I was told weren’t invited. It sucked but we don’t see each other face to face. We still have our friendship and chat online most days. It’s not unreasonable to be hurt but at the end of the days they can invite who they want.

Perhaps your friend is genuinely thinking of you, I am going to a funeral next week and I'm absolutely dreading it as I will only know one person there, your friend is probably thinking how uncomfortable it will be for you being surrounded by people you don't know.

If she invited you it was very rude and hurtful for her to invite you. I'd not respond to her. Let her chase you for your response. Then I'd say I was busy and not available on the date she suggests. She'll get the message.

OP can you clarify how the conversation went about the plus one? I really think this potentially changes things.

She asked if I’d like to bring a plus one as I won’t know anyone. I said there isn’t anyone really (which she’d know). And then she said would it be okay if we did something separately as she’ll get to spend more time with me that way. But I think that’s just an excuse because she was never going to get to spend lots of time with me.

I hope it goes okay.

She has done it for your own good, she gave you the option to bring a plus one too keep you company you said no. What else was she supposed to do? Are you really telling me you would not be uncomfortable in a room full of strangers? Bearing in mind she has other guests so would not be able to devote all her time to you.

Thank you.

I mean, she did think of you. She suggested you bring someone. I don't think this is worth losing a friendship over. Is this a big party? I recently went to a wedding party and didn't speak to the bride or bridegroom for more than a few minutes all night as they were busy flying around everywhere. I didn't know any of their friends and would have hated being there on my own.

For my own good? I’m not a child! I can make my own decisions about whether or not to attend an event I’ve been invited to, can’t I?

I was recently in a similar situation. I went and had a great time. No real friend would consider uninviting their best friend if they didn’t know anyone. I

t’s not considerate at all. She doesn’t want you there. You’re either an embarrassment or a threat as a single woman and/or she doesn’t want anyone from her past there. Have you spoken to the other London people to find out if they were actually invited?

I agree with people who say she doesn’t think of you as her best friend at all.

For me it's friendship ending territory as it shows she doesn't think much of you. Not invited to the party let alone the ceremony, that's hurtful.

I think she's saving you the time and expense of a trip away as you won't know anyone.
I'd be relieved to get out of it and not have to meet loads of new people-but understandable that you don't feel like that.

Can you say to her you'd rather go to the wedding?

Or now you've had some time to think about it, would it be better seeing her on her own as she's suggested?

Either way I don't think it's worth throwing a friendship away for.

I think she's a dick.
She could explain about none of your London pals going and ask if you're still okay to come as she realises you won't know anyone, but that she would love to see you there still.
Ball in your court then. To withdraw the invite is very rude and I would be very hurt.
As others have said, back away from her.

Lots of different responses here! And lots to think about too. I think I do have to admit that we’re just not as close as we once were/I would like. I’m still very hurt by being uninvited but I can see as some have said that she might have been trying to be nice. Even if it doesn’t feel like it.

She should have let you know the situation about no other London friends coming and given you the opportunity to decide for yourself.

she may have been panicking about you coming all that way and not feeling comfortable so took the decision out of your hands without realising it could come across hurtful. I know when I’ve had to arrange things witu separate friendship groups in the past for hen dos etc I’ve been anxious and nervous about how people will gel/feel comfortable etc.

Wait till she starts bringing the kids for city breaks in London, shows, museums etc
. She'll suddenly be your best friend again.

Ha! This is true!

Exactly, OP can work it out for herself.

OP, Bride has uninvited you to make room for local friends she's now closer to.

Rude!

The bride asked you to attend the party with a +1. She obviously wanted you to have a companion so that you wouldn't be sat there all on your own. You told her you didn't have anyone so she was concerned about your possible isolation and suggested doing something together which she had thought about already. You took offence at this, rightly or wrongly and haven't got back to her. The ball's in your Court.
Many years ago I was invited to a similar circumstance function with my husband. It was mortifying to be honest. Neither of us knew a single person there and we stood there like spare parts until we were able to make our escape.

You're bound to be less close than you were with the logistics that are now in place and the friendship dynamic you had has changed but it sounds like she is still a good friend despite you getting the hump. It's up to you whether you want to continue with the friendship.
.

Why so hurt?
She wants to do something special just the 2 of you.
That's a compliment not a rejection

I think she is in the wrong. She should have said something along the lines of none of her other friends can make it. You won't know anyone but you are still very welcome to come. You should not have been excluded in this way. Just do what suits you as regards future meetings.

OP she’s a shit friend. Self centred and careless
with your feelings . I would be so hurt also. Distance yourself - someone will appreciate having you as a friend. It’s a shit feeling to find out that someone you thought the world of doesn’t seem to care. She will regret her cavalier attitude to you in time

Tell her ok, that's fine we will go for a meal when you come down and that's all. Saves you the trip, the money, the present other expenses and expend the day with people you barely knows.

I don't like weddings so for me will be a win win.

I wouldn't tell her you feel bad or upset, don't make it about you, is their wedding and as bad as you may be feeling, you are not that important in the equation, so what is the point.

I can’t believe you chat online most days to someone who did this to you.