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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have been uninvited

250 replies

FriendDilemma24 · 21/03/2024 16:55

Have name changed for this.

So, L and I, friends since school, now in our 40s. I’d do anything for her and she knows it.
We used to live near each other (London) and see each other all the time. Then she met a man and they now have two children. When she was pregnant with their first, they moved up North to be near her mum.
I still see her, she comes to London a couple of times a year for work, and I visit her and her DH & DCs whenever I’m invited.
Anyway, they’re now getting married and I got an invite to a party they’re planning afterwards. I said I’d love to go. Then I get a message saying it turns out that none of her other London friends can make it so it’s just local friends so I won’t know anyone so can we do something separate instead?
I’m so hurt. How do I respond to her? This is my best friend. I’d literally do anything for her! And she’s just uninvited me from her wedding party. AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
stillavid · 21/03/2024 18:53

Of course friend was rude - honestly I can't imagine an any world where I would do what she has done.

The fact you haven't replied in two weeks shows her that her gesture wasn't kindly received.

In your position I would be tempted to just do the terribly passive aggressive thumbs up emoji and leave it at that. But you should probably do one of the more mature suggestions up thread.

Retrievemysanity · 21/03/2024 18:54

Oh gosh, I was going to say that I’d reply saying ‘I’d still really like to come to the party.’ thinking that she was just being considerate but now I’ve seen that she messaged you two weeks ago and not checked up on you!! Sounds like you have been downgraded then sadly.

justforthisnow · 21/03/2024 18:57

2 weeks ago? And no follow up or checking with you since? I'd forget the whole thing. You are worth more than that.

PlumbersWifey · 21/03/2024 19:02

You're not her best friend. Which is sad as you sound like a really good friend. She's mean.

WhoaJayShettybambalam · 21/03/2024 19:05

Why hasn’t she suggested a plus one?

CatOnTheLap · 21/03/2024 19:06

stillavid · 21/03/2024 18:53

Of course friend was rude - honestly I can't imagine an any world where I would do what she has done.

The fact you haven't replied in two weeks shows her that her gesture wasn't kindly received.

In your position I would be tempted to just do the terribly passive aggressive thumbs up emoji and leave it at that. But you should probably do one of the more mature suggestions up thread.

I was also going to suggest replying 👍 and then not contacting her for a while. Let her do the running so that you know if you really are her best friend ( sorry, I think we know the answer to that one) as well as her being your best friend.

I don't blame you at all for being hurt at being uninvited. That was both ill mannered and cruel of the bride.

Original poster
FriendDilemma24 · 21/03/2024 19:09

WhoaJayShettybambalam · 21/03/2024 19:05

Why hasn’t she suggested a plus one?

She did, tbf, but there’s no-one I’d take, really. When I said that, that’s when she suggested we do something else instead.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 21/03/2024 19:12

Given it has been a fortnight since this exchange took place and not a peep since, I'd say the friendship has waned.
This happens a lot.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 21/03/2024 19:12

I think it sounds like she was thinking of you as she suggested the plus one.

It's not great she hasn't checked on you. You sound like a caring friend to have, find a friend who give the same input back to you.

starfishmummy · 21/03/2024 19:16

It must sting but does she have a point? Hosting a party where someone/ people don’t know anyone is quite awkward.

Every friend and best friend starts off as someone you don't know.

Bellyblueboy · 21/03/2024 19:19

I would reply along the lines of:

I am sad that I won’t be able to share in your big day, but I understand and wish you and Trevor every happiness. With the whirlwind of the wedding I am sure you are being pulled in a million different directions. Let’s leave catching up until things are calmer for you. Take care x

then I would start to build more friends - I think she is sending you a kind signal that the friendship is no longer as important to her as it is to you.

RubyRubyRuby321 · 21/03/2024 19:23

FriendDilemma24 · 21/03/2024 17:33

Actually she has already suggested the ‘something else’, she sort of uninvited me and suggested the alternative in one go. But I haven’t replied because I don’t know how to, I’m so hurt.

Show quote history

I agree with this
i would have thought she’d have given you the option to go as the “lone Londoner” rather than just cut you out of it.
Id be hurt, OP

RubyRubyRuby321 · 21/03/2024 19:23

Sorry, quoted wrong post! 😆

RubyRubyRuby321 · 21/03/2024 19:25

justforthisnow · 21/03/2024 18:57

2 weeks ago? And no follow up or checking with you since? I'd forget the whole thing. You are worth more than that.

This was the post I meant to quote👍

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 21/03/2024 19:26

Bellyblueboy · 21/03/2024 19:19

I would reply along the lines of:

I am sad that I won’t be able to share in your big day, but I understand and wish you and Trevor every happiness. With the whirlwind of the wedding I am sure you are being pulled in a million different directions. Let’s leave catching up until things are calmer for you. Take care x

then I would start to build more friends - I think she is sending you a kind signal that the friendship is no longer as important to her as it is to you.

This is a bit harsh though, especially as OP saw herself as this woman’s best friend and presumably thought the woman thought the friendship to be the same. It can be quite a shock and a bit hurtful to find if you’re not the best friend you thought you were. I had this with someone I knew. I was her best friend so she told me yet she had at least 2 others, one from her secondary/primary school days and another from her 20s. The subsequent way she treated me wasn’t the way you’d treat a so called best friend either.

Isthisexpected · 21/03/2024 19:29

It’s awkward to attend too- I went to a party where I knew nobody other than DH recently and we stayed a couple of hours for politeness sake and scarpered.

^ not if you have any social skills and confidence surely?

Pinkdelight3 · 21/03/2024 19:31

Given it has been a fortnight since this exchange took place and not a peep since, I'd say the friendship has waned.

But it's the OP that hasn't responded not the bride, unless I'm mistaken? Sure she could've checked in but the ball is in OP's court and if she's not replying then bride could well think she's in the doghouse and is giving OP space. It's certainly not a reason to hate on her when she's the one who last messaged.

likepebblesonabeach · 21/03/2024 19:32

I honestly think she wasn't meaning to be unkind op. If you are as good friends as you think I would take it that she was genuinely thinking about you on this occasion.
That being said I wouldn't forget it and if you see a pattern forming with her behaviour to you being off I'd reassess the friendship then

sleekcat · 21/03/2024 19:37

I would be fine with it, in fact I would probably be happy that I didn't have to go to all the hassle of travelling there and making the effort to socialise all night with people I don't know! I'm quite good at getting to know people but it is harder work and I'm lazy now.
I would just go along with doing something together later, just the two of you, like she said. If it doesn't materialise it's not the end of the world.

MamaWillYouBuyMeAWillYouBuyMeABanana · 21/03/2024 19:40

FriendDilemma24 · 21/03/2024 19:09

She did, tbf, but there’s no-one I’d take, really. When I said that, that’s when she suggested we do something else instead.

Show quote history

So she suggested you take a plus one, you said you had nobody, the she offered an alternative thing, near you, so she is the one making the effort to travel, and you ignored her for 2 weeks?

I actually don't think she's the one in the wrong here, she sounds thoughtful, and you've been rude.

Gymmum82 · 21/03/2024 19:40

So from your replies it seems she said no one from London was coming. Then suggested a plus one but you said you’d no one to bring. So then she suggested you didn’t come and do something else instead?
It feels less like she’s uninvited you and more like she’s worried about you feeling left out and alone.

I don’t think she’s your best friend anymore. But that’s understandable since you live so far apart and I do understand the hurt. My ‘best’ friend didn’t invite me to her big birthday party. I saw photos on Facebook. I messaged being upset and initially she was a bit shitty about it. But she hadn’t invited me as I wouldn’t know anyone and we celebrated at a later date just the 2 of us which was lovely. It did make me reevaluate the friendship however and I realised that while I value her friendship she is no longer a best friend. She’s just a friend. And that’s ok.

IncognitoMam · 21/03/2024 19:41

Do you have plenty of friends where you live? If not try and make some. There's loads of meet up type groups.

I think she was terribly rude. You aren't as important to her as she is you. It's very sad when this happens but you'll get past it. Get out there (if you aren't already). You sound lovely 💐

SlightlyJaded · 21/03/2024 19:41

If I am being completely honest, whilst I understand you're hurt, as a bride, I would not want to spend my wedding afternoon constantly making sure that my 'friend who doesn't know anyone', is ok. And if I knew that my friend didn't know anyone - no matter if they had reassured me they'd be fine - this is what would happen.

I don't think she was being unkind, I do think she was being realistic.

Would you ACTUALLy have a good time not knowing anyone? I'd personally hate it and far rather have some quality time alone with my friend. Put the hurt to one side for a minute and consider the reality.

Also - you've mentioned she said you could bring a plus-one which to me, adds weight to the belief that she is just being a realist - not unkind.

Original poster
FriendDilemma24 · 21/03/2024 19:41

Gymmum82 · 21/03/2024 19:40

So from your replies it seems she said no one from London was coming. Then suggested a plus one but you said you’d no one to bring. So then she suggested you didn’t come and do something else instead?
It feels less like she’s uninvited you and more like she’s worried about you feeling left out and alone.

I don’t think she’s your best friend anymore. But that’s understandable since you live so far apart and I do understand the hurt. My ‘best’ friend didn’t invite me to her big birthday party. I saw photos on Facebook. I messaged being upset and initially she was a bit shitty about it. But she hadn’t invited me as I wouldn’t know anyone and we celebrated at a later date just the 2 of us which was lovely. It did make me reevaluate the friendship however and I realised that while I value her friendship she is no longer a best friend. She’s just a friend. And that’s ok.

This is a useful, perspective, thank you. It helps to hear from someone who’s even through it.

OP posts:
user1984778379202 · 21/03/2024 19:42

I have a friend who calls me her best friend and, honestly, it makes me cringe. I really like her company, but I just don't feel the same. It makes me feel a bit pressured when I do see her. I suspect your DF feels the same and it may be why she doesn't want you there if there are no other London friends to dilute the pressure.