AIBU for not allowing my daughter to bring her boyfriend home for Easter?

[SparklyTealPanda]

My daughter (born 2003) has spring break from 29 March to 26 April. She's currently studying in London. She said she wants to come home starting with next Friday for an extended visit (around a week). That part is wonderful. Now here's what the problem is: she's been dating a man born in 1982 since early 2023 (met in late 2022). That's a 21-year age gap. I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. Obviously my husband and I let her know that we disagree with their relationship multiple times, but she's an adult and can do whatever she wants at the end of the day. We're just making sure that she remains financially independent and doesn't isolate herself from us.

Well, remember that extended visit I mentioned? Yeah, she wants to bring him along too. I said bloody hell NO. I don't support her relationship, I don't want to meet her boyfriend, and especially don't want him in my house; neither does my husband. So we told her, if you're coming, you're coming alone. Or you're coming with your boyfriend, but he's staying at a hotel and we don't meet eye to eye. She said no, if he's not coming, she's not coming either, it's simple. Said she really wanted to spend some time with us and the family, but if we're being this unreasonable, then she'll just go to his country house in Surrey and spend Easter / the break there with him and his family.

When my husband heard that she's not coming at all, he told me to call her and tell her that fine, she can bring the boyfriend; he really wants to see his daughter, misses her. I, on the other hand, don't think that we should back down so easily.

Please don't take this advice OP

We're just making sure that she remains financially independent and doesn't isolate herself from us.

But you are hell bent on making sure she isolated herself from you!!!

Why do you think she hasn’t been to stay for longer than a weekend? Because you have made your disapproval clear. Now she is giving you the chance to wave an olive branch and you are throwing it in her face.

Keep your mind open, make your home welcoming.

Of you will lose her, and understandably.

I made the choice to share my opinion. You made the choice to be offended, and chose to accuse me of being ageist. My choice now is to ignore you :)

I think you need to ask yourself what's more important to you. Is it:

a) your disapproval of your daughter's choice of partner, or
b) your relationship with your daughter?

I completely understand why you think your daughter's partner is bad news. I think most people would. But I think that by being this rigid about it, you will simply drive your daughter away and will actually make her more likely to stick with him. I know this because my own family's disapproval of a much older boyfriend (I was 22, he was 42) was what made it a lot more difficult for me to dump him when I should have done, because I couldn't bear the thought of proving them right.

It's also worth noting that in my case, the man was wrong for me because he was an arsehole, not because he was 20 years older than me. If my family had said 'He isn't making you happy' or 'It's not OK for him to treat you like this and we're really worried about you because you don't seem well' then I actually might have listened. But instead they said 'He's too old for you', which was absolutely focusing on the wrong thing. In fact, the age gap was literally the one thing in the relationship that wasn't a problem.

My advice would be that you don't have to have this man staying under your roof, but that you should at least agree to meet him and be civil and get to know him and see how he is with your daughter. You don't have to like him or approve, but you do need to know more about him beyond 'He is old and his situation seems off' if you are to be able to have rational conversations with your daughter about this.

I’d want to see what he was about so I’d ‘welcome’ her bringing him.

There is nothing here that would make me want to thank my lucky stars. A 20-year-old dating anybody over 30 is concerning to me and over 35 is downright creepy. Nothing will change my mind on that. Age gap relationships are deeply
concerning to me and turn my stomach.

And the ONE time she actually wants to, you shut her down...

You really are screwing up your relationship.

She won't bother even coming for weekends if you carry on - and even if this relationship ends, she won't forget. The choices you make now will have consequences for years, possibly forever. So even if this relationship DOES end, and she winds up with someone you deem more suitable, it doesn't mean they'll visit. Or bring any children to see you.

I agree I'd say I'm happy to meet him but a week is a long time to inflict a house guest on someone for. Why does he want to come for that long? I don't think I ever stayed with any of my boyfriend or husbands' parents for as long as a week.

Some people on here do love a bit of doom mongering. We must all be people pleasers and put on our smiley faces as saying no even once leads to eternal damnation!

So she’s 37 and he’s 68 and no-one notices the age gap??😮

I'd let him stay, that way I'd be able to get a feel for the chap - might turn out he proves you wrong. Also, if the relationship ends up being serious long-term, him not being welcome is one way of pushing your DD away.

When I was 17, I went out with a chap who was 38. He was a perfect gentleman and treated me well. The first couple of times he came to pick me up, my parents were at the door obviously to vet him, but he said he totally understood why and they actually found they liked him. Give the chap a chance.

I would say that he can come, but separate bedrooms please and you want her to pull her weight with the hosting. So it is obvious that he is a guest (welcome or not) and she is family so has to muck in. Who knows - you may like him! Regardless of your feelings about the age gap. We can't pick who our children call in love with, unfortunately, and you are running the risk of driving her away. It sounds like she really wants to introduce him to you - you should give him a chance.

Even if they're serious?

Isn't that normal when your children come back to visit briefly?

Her daughter will be 🤮 because her mother will be making a fool of herself with such obvious tactics.

She's not 16 is she. I (born in 1982) had a boyfriend at that age who was born in 1965. Okay, only a 17yr difference and not a 21yr one, but similar. I was 20 and my parents never batted an eyelid. I don't know that they loved it, but if they'd made a fuss I'd probably have bloody mindedly married him or something, which would have really annoyed them... and they knew that! This is how you end up with Old Man Bob as your son in law @SparklyTealPanda rather than as an amusing anecdote in years to come.

My first serious boyfriend when I was 17/18 was 38. Both my mum and dad had concerns, but after the one comment to me about the age gap, they put those to one side, as I was a sensible girl and they knew I had to make my own decisions. They were never as rude and unwelcoming as you have been. I find that quite an appalling reaction from a parent, especially when you're not even prepared to meet him! How can you possibly judge someone you're not even willing to meet? Is there any evidence he's mistreating her?
I think she'd be better off going with him to the country house for Easter, it sounds like his family are far more approachable and welcoming than you are. Here's hoping she has a fabulous time!

It's really fortunate for you then that no one is forcing you to date anyone older than you isn't it 🙄
I'm fairly convinced your taste in men might not be similar to mine and the great thing is we are both totally free to choose our own partner based on our own feelings rather than what turns some randomers stomach.

@SparklyTealPanda,there is quite a lot of identifying info on this thread, including your dd's uni, your hometown, the ages of people involved etc. Unless you have changed specific details, it might be worth asking MNHQ to delete?

Just thinking that your dd and possibly others who know her would like recognise you from this thread, and you might not want that.

I didn’t say any different. Of course people are free to choose whichever much-younger partner they want, as long as it’s legal.

I saw your post on Reddit and I think this is probably the only time I've seen both forums come up with pretty much the same opinions. I think you had some good opinions both here and there and I hope they've helped you decide how best to play this.

I can’t pretend that I’d be happy about this but I think I’d let him stay. I’d start with the assumption that if your dd likes him he must be ok. My dm couldn’t help but show her true colours when she disliked a bf of mine and it made me rebel as I felt that she hadn’t given them a chance. Obviously in reality she knew exactly what they were but I had to be allowed to figure that out for myself.

I have a daughter a little younger and agree with you. There’s absolutely no way I’d support that relationship. Mostly because I’d think the man was really weird and I don’t want weird men staying in my house. There’s only 19 years between my husband and his eldest so I’m 100% certain he’d feel the same.

I wouldn't support that relationship either. I'd really dislike it.

You’re being short sighted. Absolutely invite him. He’s much closer to your generation. Get your husband to talk to him about golf, or prostate exams, or pension planning. Demonstrate that age gap. Ask him about his kid, establish yourselves as parents together, in construct to your daughter, ask him where he went to uni and invent a friend who was there the same time.

This is a classic opportunity to create The Ick.