AIBU for not allowing my daughter to bring her boyfriend home for Easter?

[SparklyTealPanda]

My daughter (born 2003) has spring break from 29 March to 26 April. She's currently studying in London. She said she wants to come home starting with next Friday for an extended visit (around a week). That part is wonderful. Now here's what the problem is: she's been dating a man born in 1982 since early 2023 (met in late 2022). That's a 21-year age gap. I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. Obviously my husband and I let her know that we disagree with their relationship multiple times, but she's an adult and can do whatever she wants at the end of the day. We're just making sure that she remains financially independent and doesn't isolate herself from us.

Well, remember that extended visit I mentioned? Yeah, she wants to bring him along too. I said bloody hell NO. I don't support her relationship, I don't want to meet her boyfriend, and especially don't want him in my house; neither does my husband. So we told her, if you're coming, you're coming alone. Or you're coming with your boyfriend, but he's staying at a hotel and we don't meet eye to eye. She said no, if he's not coming, she's not coming either, it's simple. Said she really wanted to spend some time with us and the family, but if we're being this unreasonable, then she'll just go to his country house in Surrey and spend Easter / the break there with him and his family.

When my husband heard that she's not coming at all, he told me to call her and tell her that fine, she can bring the boyfriend; he really wants to see his daughter, misses her. I, on the other hand, don't think that we should back down so easily.

Even when they’re adults?

Would I be happy with my 21 year old DD dating someone 20 years older, absolutely not. However, all you are doing is pushing your DD away. If I was you I would want to meet this man and see for myself that my DD was in a respectful relationship. In reality it probably won't last but it will last a lot longer with the stance you are taking.

What do you think about the view that’s pretty universal in these comments OP?

I agree with them. All you’re going to do is push her away, it looks like your husband recognises that.

You said you're making sure she doesn't isolate herself from you and then go and push her away so she's isolated from you. If he IS predatory, you're playing right into his hands. Well done

You're pushing her towards him

You're just pushing her away

I've been here

I needed my family, and they were cunts to me

I am now NC with all of them

Surely you'd be better actually MEETING the guy and finding out something about him - he may be head over heels - he might be a dick

But at this stage, you know one thing about him - his age (well, the year he was born)

It sounds like you'd rather have no relationship with your DD than find out anything about the person she's currently sharing her life with

Your loss though

Mainly the age gap, but I also strongly dislike the fact that this man already has a kid. He has a 16-17 year old son (I don't know when his birthday is - he's going to uni next year). From what my daughter told me, he lives at a boarding school, and when he's not at school he spends his time between the residences of his mom and dad; they have joint custody. My daughter told me that he likes her and there are no issues there, they even went on the winter holidays trip together, and on one trip in the summer of 2023. But the fact that he already has a kid is less of a problem in my eyes than the age gap, since a 20-21-year-old could also already be a dad.

To sleep or visit? Do you only intend to meet them on the wedding day?

Please listen to this.

Could you compromise and apologize and have him for less time so you can get to know him? Or maybe go down to London for a night and meet him for dinner first? Explain that you feel strange hosting someone you haven't met for so long so you'd like to meet him first.

That's not the point though. The OP needs to back down and apologise before she ruins her relationship with her daughter. The man is neither here nor there.

I totally agree with you OP. I did in fact date someone wildly older and unsuitable at an even slightly younger age. It's absolutely not true that had I told my parents, who would then have vocally disapproved, it would have 'pushed us together' - ridiculous, at that age one feels like one is an independent adult. Only you know how your daughter will react, but I think you are doing the right thing.

If he has a pattern of much younger girlfriends then it's a huge problem like Leo DiCaprio, but if not and they just met and got on well then I would give him a chance... anyway friends close enemies closer. I wouldn't have dumped a boyfriend iloved at that age because my parents were being a gist of judgmental or however she sees it

He has a country house you say?

Always wanted to ask someone in this position:
How would you feel if one of your children mirrored your own relationship - if they at age 20 came home with a 36 year old?
And when you were 36 did you find 20 year olds attractive?

If my son was going out with a woman 21 years older than him she would be my age!!!!
I absolutely would not tolerate that in my home. A woman MY AGE shagging my son in my home. No, no and no

That said - I don't think it would be a bad thing to go down the 'accepting but finding it hilarious' route. As in making the odd joke about her soon being his carer, changing his nappy etc. Might break the whole older man mystique thing she probably has going.

I'd approach it by the fact we are not comfortable in having someone we have never met in our house for an extended period of time. Age gap is irrelevant (although not something I would like worthier), it's the never having met them and the house being treated like a hotel.

It sounds a lot less than ideal. However you can't change any of this. You refusing to meet him isn't going to make the relationship end. All you can change is your own behaviour. Try a few thought experiments - imagine she stays with him and has children and you don't see any of them. Imagine she splits with him but won't come to you because of your previous attitude. Surely you can see that whether she stays with him or splits up, it's better that you support your daughter?

I find it sad you saying your student daughter coming home for a week is an ‘extended visit’!

I think it's too big and age gap for her age (different if they were 40 and 61 for example) , I think it's even worse she is 19 and he has a 17 year old child!
However having said all of that I'd be doing everything to show my daughter she has a loving safe space with her family, and not pushing the narrative that it's them Vs you, bite your lip let him come. Keep her close

If you do not want a relationship with your daughter or the very least a distant relationship you carry on.

My parents banned me from my boyfriend 18 years ago- I left home at 18 to be with him. We are now married with two children but they have never fully accepted him and still resent the fact we "put the cart before the horse" and told me I'm a disappointment for my life choices.

As a result I at best have a cordial relationship.

I vowed I'd never make my children ever feel like that.
She's your daughter- she's happy. Accept it or lose her.

We're just making sure that she remains financially independent and doesn't isolate herself from us.

She is literally isolating herself from you if you ban him. You’re wholly reasonable to not like it, but she’s not 9 years old - your firm stance is not likely to make her dump him. It’s not working right now. What if she married someone you disliked? Would you ban them from visiting?

If you want to keep up your relationship with her - and you are right to think you should try to not isolate her - you should agree for him to stay. Then you know what you’re dealing with.

You can say “look, you know I don’t like the sound of this relationship, but I love you and if you want him to come and stay, that’s fine, sorry. I was just worried about you.”

You’re in no place to discuss her relationship if you’ve never met him either. You need to see what you’re dealing with.

Name change

I haven't read the whole thread.

At 18, I had a 37 year old boyfriend. We were together for over 5 years. He was lovely, Looking back now I'm a bit like... that was weird. Still though, I look back fondly on it as a good, loving relationship.

Anyway, I don't think there's much point putting your foot down on this. You might not him and like him. You might hate him. Hopefully DD will tire of him soon, but we often have unsuitable boyfriends at that age.

Would be good to maintain good lines of communication with her she wants to talk about the relationship or has doubts and - fingers crossed! - break up with him.

Are you American? Presumably by “spring break” you mean the Easter holiday?

i wouldn’t call a week an “extended visit” either? IIRC the Easter Uni break is 3 or 4 weeks, so one week is a short break.

It’s only a week.

That is a grim age gap but you're gonna have to grit your teeth and deal. Keep her close so when she sees the craic she can leave with your support.