AIBU for not allowing my daughter to bring her boyfriend home for Easter?

[SparklyTealPanda]

My daughter (born 2003) has spring break from 29 March to 26 April. She's currently studying in London. She said she wants to come home starting with next Friday for an extended visit (around a week). That part is wonderful. Now here's what the problem is: she's been dating a man born in 1982 since early 2023 (met in late 2022). That's a 21-year age gap. I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. Obviously my husband and I let her know that we disagree with their relationship multiple times, but she's an adult and can do whatever she wants at the end of the day. We're just making sure that she remains financially independent and doesn't isolate herself from us.

Well, remember that extended visit I mentioned? Yeah, she wants to bring him along too. I said bloody hell NO. I don't support her relationship, I don't want to meet her boyfriend, and especially don't want him in my house; neither does my husband. So we told her, if you're coming, you're coming alone. Or you're coming with your boyfriend, but he's staying at a hotel and we don't meet eye to eye. She said no, if he's not coming, she's not coming either, it's simple. Said she really wanted to spend some time with us and the family, but if we're being this unreasonable, then she'll just go to his country house in Surrey and spend Easter / the break there with him and his family.

When my husband heard that she's not coming at all, he told me to call her and tell her that fine, she can bring the boyfriend; he really wants to see his daughter, misses her. I, on the other hand, don't think that we should back down so easily.

Has he been married before and/or has kids already?
I think I'd want to know a bit more about him before he visits, and I would also be unhappy abput a stranger staying in my home for a full week.
(could you gently ask her a few questions about him, eg about his 'country house'... where exwife and kids live... perhaps?)
Why not say that he can come for a few days but you'd rather he doesn't stay for the entire week as you'd like to spend some time just with your DD; his presence will obviously alter the whole dynamic.

I think doing that is as bad (or worse) as refusing to meet him. Either treat them both with respect or don't bother. OP is probably older than 40 - is she imagining herself in nappies any time soon?

are they only allowed in when they are married?

I wouldn't have a problem with an age gap if they were treating my child well. Both my son and my daughter are fully aware how people should treat them and to expect nothing less regardless of the year their partner happened to be born.
At 36 I didn't fancy men in their 20's, I didn't really fancy men in their 20's when I was that age so I don't think that is odd. It would be weird if I had fancied older men all of my life and suddenly hit my 30's and thought stuff that, I'll get a younger model!!
My point is sometimes you just meet the right person for you and their age is irrelevant.

Men of 36 often find 20 year old women attractive. It's not a symptom of perversion. It doesn't work in reverse as often. Down to biology.

And that wasn’t my response to the OP

My BIL was the older guy in this situation. She was a student he was nearly 40. He is lovely, young for his years, no children and she was an incredibly mature girl but still ... I always admired how her parents handled it. He was closer to their age than hers. They welcomed him to visit with her (they had a lot in common actually - liked to play bridge :) ) and let the relationship work its way out. We also welcomed her into our home although we were a bit WTAF. My children adored her. The relationship ended, he married a woman his own age eventually, and she married a man her age. They are still friendly on SM.

I wouldn't want this for my daughter and if expressing your disapproval made her change her mind, I'd say go for it. But it won't. Welcome him, treat him normally.

No, I'm British, my daughter uses spring break to refer to the Easter holiday since that's how it's written on the LSE academic calendar; so it stuck with me. One week is an extended visit for us 'cause ever since she started uni she has only visited for like a weekend at a time during holidays; she has other things to do in her free time I guess.

Week if you want to end your relationship with your daughter, you are going the right away about it. It's her life, in the end.

Why did you and your boyfriend need to stay with your parents though?

So many people feel entitled to have their parents host their boyfriends.

I bet the mum will be expected to do all the cooking.

bringing him for a day is fine, wanting him to stay for a week is weird. I'm surprised he wants to spend a week in his much younger girlfriend's parents house as well.

Then she can live it in her own home. Not sure why she needs to drag her boyfriend to where he’s not wanted.

She's an adult. Do you think you can bully her into breaking up with him? Or punish her or make her feel she has to choose?
Because I don't think you'll like what happens if you try that.

You'd rather not see your daughter than accept she's an adult and has the right to make her own choices even if you don't agree with them.

You are making a huge mistake and one she won't forget.

You need to decide what matters most to you now.

OP, let me guess, you’ll be expected to cook and host for the week?

I think the OP needs to seriously consider how she wants her relationship with her daughter to play out in the future. It's very easy for her daughter to not visit, particularly when she is in her 20s. A lot of people are pretty busy at that age - work, socialising, travel. I tended to visit my parents very little in the period (even though I loved them dearly and we got on well) just because I had so many other things on.

I think it's odd that some people on here think that "my house, my rules" apply in this instance - it boils down to something pretty simple: if the OP wants to see her daughter, she needs to accept the daughter's relationship and welcome him into her home. Not allowing the man to visit will most likely only strengthen their relationship.

One thing I would say is that in my experience a whole week is too long for such a visit. IMO she should apologise to her daughter, explain that she wants to see her and her partner, and suggest that a shorter visit might take some of the pressure off. I always think that the 3-day visitors' guideline is a good one!

Why can’t he just stay in a hotel? They can both stay in a hotel.

It's perfectly normal to bring your partner to stay with your family. Unless your family is very difficult and controlling, as they are here

Other than him being older, is there any evidence that he isn't perfectly decent? If I were you I'd want to meet him in order to make a more rational judgement. She can choose to come with him, but you could ask that he stays in a hotel. But do meet him. She can see you both, and you meet him but they can go to the hotel together at the end of the night. I think he should be respectful of that arrangement. He could have a daughter the same age as her, so he must know you would be slightly wary.

"...she is an adult...".

Don't need to read any more. You are being unreasonable. At least give the guy a chance and count your lucky stars she's not with some 20 something year old empty-headed waster!

My DH has never stayed with my family. And he and my mum get on great.

This obsession with having women host random men is weird. OP’s never met him and he will stay in her house for a week?! Fuck that.

I’d suck it up just to see her and would want to meet the man at the heart of all this to really assess him myself.

Surely as a loving caring parent you would want to meet this guy to reassure yourselves that he is kind and decent.

Funny how it’s ok to be ageist against young people on MN 🙄

Sometimes it's best to go along with things because all she will do now is try and prove you wrong.

I don't think I'd like the age gap either, but by being so black and white about this, you're turning it into a them and us situation which means they're on a team together, against you and your DH.

It's unlikely to be a relationship that lasts, and I can't imagine many things less attractive at that age than watching my boyfriend bond with my parents about all the things they have in common (because when you're 21, no matter that their age, your parents are old).

Your Dd is testing out her adulthood here. She wants you to accept that she's old enough to make choices about who she dates and how she spends her time. You should support her - if you've done a good job, she'll have either chosen a decent man and meeting him will relieve your worries, or she'll appreciate that you're supporting her and will turn to you when it ends.

Also, as others have said, you're building him up to be an awful person but actually, the best way to protect your DD is to be around them together so you can suss out the dynamic and find out if he's treating her well.

I would also agree with others that hosting a stranger for a week is too much and to ask about them staying elsewhere for at least part of the week.