AIBU for not allowing my daughter to bring her boyfriend home for Easter?

[SparklyTealPanda]

My daughter (born 2003) has spring break from 29 March to 26 April. She's currently studying in London. She said she wants to come home starting with next Friday for an extended visit (around a week). That part is wonderful. Now here's what the problem is: she's been dating a man born in 1982 since early 2023 (met in late 2022). That's a 21-year age gap. I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. Obviously my husband and I let her know that we disagree with their relationship multiple times, but she's an adult and can do whatever she wants at the end of the day. We're just making sure that she remains financially independent and doesn't isolate herself from us.

Well, remember that extended visit I mentioned? Yeah, she wants to bring him along too. I said bloody hell NO. I don't support her relationship, I don't want to meet her boyfriend, and especially don't want him in my house; neither does my husband. So we told her, if you're coming, you're coming alone. Or you're coming with your boyfriend, but he's staying at a hotel and we don't meet eye to eye. She said no, if he's not coming, she's not coming either, it's simple. Said she really wanted to spend some time with us and the family, but if we're being this unreasonable, then she'll just go to his country house in Surrey and spend Easter / the break there with him and his family.

When my husband heard that she's not coming at all, he told me to call her and tell her that fine, she can bring the boyfriend; he really wants to see his daughter, misses her. I, on the other hand, don't think that we should back down so easily.

Is he a tutor or lecturer at her university?
I would be more worried about the imbalance in their relationship than the age difference.

You sound so over bearing and horrible. You are fixated on the age gap but haven't mentioned whether he loves her or treats her well

My niece is going out with a man 20+ years older than her. Her parents have accepted that he treats and respects their daughter well . Of course theyare not thrilled about the age gap but have kept their thoughts to themselves.
He is a very nice ,intelligent successful guy.

YABVU

You may not agree with the relationship but you should at the very least meet him for both of your sakes. You and your DH need to see how they interact, how they treat each other, etc. If something were to ever happen (not in anyway saying there is anything dubious) you would be able to say you’ve met him, what he was like, your impressions despite the age gap, etc.

I absolutely get where you are coming from, I'd also be absolutely gutted and also questioning his motives. That said by saying no you are pushing her away which I assume is the last thing you want. Say yes, grit your teeth and meet him. Maybe be overly nice...

She's 21 - an adult. She can make her own choices.

You stick to this and you will drive her away and end up never seeing her.

I get why you don't like it, few would. But you will lose her.

I too would be concerned if this was the case.
And if so, is it even allowed by the university? An illicit relationship might be all the more enticing, and problematic.

No.

...but she's an adult and can do whatever she wants at the end of the day.

Your words and your actions don't correspond. And your daughter will judge you by your actions.

So I think there is a middle ground here. You don't agree with her relationship, but she's an adult and you may have to learn to accept that she can make her own choices, even bad ones. When I think back to the absolute assholes I was in a relationship with at her age, my mum must have thought I was a complete idiot - but she kept her mouth shut and let me make my own mistakes, and I did and I grew up and I married lovely dh.

All that said, meeting a new partner for the first time is not the time for a week long stay in your house especially when things are already tense. It's also especially awkward because he is more a peer (your age) surely than hers. I think having a 20 year old come to stay is different than having a 40 year old come to stay, no matter their relationship status. I wouldn't want someone I didn't know and didn't trust in my personal space for a week, no. I think she should be old enough to understand that.

You might consider saying that yes, he can come down for 2 nights, but they can stay elsewhere and you can have him over for lunch or to meet the family one day.

I dated a man in his 40,s when I was a student
He stayed at my parents and it fizzled out in time , they welcomed and were respectful of all my unsuitable boyfriends

I would at least meet him , what if he is really lovely and they are in love?

This man could be the father of your grandchildren

Or, The next boyfriend could be her age but horrible - there is nothing you can do to control who she loves

Oh god, new parental fear unlocked.

I would be concerned about pushing her away, but totally get your stance.

You aren't dating him. You don't have to like him.

You are unreasonable to refuse to have him in your home at all.

It's your house, so your rules. Careful that your unwillingness to compromise doesn't make a monster of you.

Your DD is an adult, presumably of sound mind. You would be as well as to at least try to get to know him - preferably on neutral ground for shorter visits to start with.

I would hop on a train to London and meet them for a coffee in the park. A pain but worth it for your daughter to know you are willing to try.

Not having him stay is one thing, but refusing to even meet him is ridiculous and petty.

I absolutely understand your viewpoint on the age gap . We had a similar situation with one of our DCs . We took the view that the relationship would either last or it wouldn't. If it lasts and this your DDs longterm relationship, are you going to refuse to meet them forevermore? . If it doesn't last you have nothing to worry about . Our DCs relationship lasted a few years then failed, and we were glad we didn't alienate them as they came to us and needed our support when it ended .

Op, she is an adult and I really object to the inherent dislike here just because he's older. She obviously adores him, he adores her, they want to be open and direct about things. When I was 20/21 years old, I would've been absolutely furious if my parents tried to dictate who I could and couldn't see. It's her choice, her business and you need to let her live without your interference which is neither needed nor wanted. Be a loving Mum here and allow them to be happy together.

I’d go the other way and spend as much time with him as possible to see what type of person he was. My dad was like you, it did not help our relationship and I ended up marrying someone much older than me as I was pushed out.

Do you live close to London OP? Or will her trip Home require lots of travelling?

Newcastle.

You should let him come.

YANBU to be unhappy about the relationship.

YWBU to refuse to meet him, as others say do that and you'll drive them together and her away.

However, she is being VU if she expects you to host for a week someone who is actually a stranger to you, so a fair compromise is either he / they both stay in a hotel and you agree to have him visit for maybe a few hours / a meal each day.

Is it possible that you could meet him before he stays for a week? It's a bit of a leap to have someone you have never met before staying in your house for a week! I would be uncomfortable with anyone staying in my home that I had not met prior.

My mother put a spoke into a lovely budding relationship I had at 19 with a single man of 30. I thought he had just stopped calling, was so very sad, but then found out she gave him both barrels on the phone and didn't tell me he'd called. It has haunted my life, though I never speak of it. Even wrote a novel about it (unpublished). He married another local girl a couple of years older than me 3 years later, they broke up after a short time and he moved away.

I never told her anything meaningful or important about any aspect of my life whatsoever going forward. I danced when she died.

Don't be her, OP.

You could try saying that you are both ' old fashioned ' and therefore won't have the two of them sleeping under your roof, so maybe they can both book into a hotel / b+b / airb&b for a shorter period of time, and you would love to see them for dinner at your home on the 1st night.
And spend the next day ' doing something ' together out of your home i.e. a visit to a NT property / to the beach with the dogs / drive out to a country pub for lunch - whatever you would reasonable do as a family.

Just be careful, she could turn up in the Summer wearing a wedding ring ! if you do alienate her totally by not seeing them at Easter.

It’s a huge power imbalance and any self respecting man would not be dating someone so young.