AIBU for not allowing my daughter to bring her boyfriend home for Easter?

[SparklyTealPanda]

My daughter (born 2003) has spring break from 29 March to 26 April. She's currently studying in London. She said she wants to come home starting with next Friday for an extended visit (around a week). That part is wonderful. Now here's what the problem is: she's been dating a man born in 1982 since early 2023 (met in late 2022). That's a 21-year age gap. I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. Obviously my husband and I let her know that we disagree with their relationship multiple times, but she's an adult and can do whatever she wants at the end of the day. We're just making sure that she remains financially independent and doesn't isolate herself from us.

Well, remember that extended visit I mentioned? Yeah, she wants to bring him along too. I said bloody hell NO. I don't support her relationship, I don't want to meet her boyfriend, and especially don't want him in my house; neither does my husband. So we told her, if you're coming, you're coming alone. Or you're coming with your boyfriend, but he's staying at a hotel and we don't meet eye to eye. She said no, if he's not coming, she's not coming either, it's simple. Said she really wanted to spend some time with us and the family, but if we're being this unreasonable, then she'll just go to his country house in Surrey and spend Easter / the break there with him and his family.

When my husband heard that she's not coming at all, he told me to call her and tell her that fine, she can bring the boyfriend; he really wants to see his daughter, misses her. I, on the other hand, don't think that we should back down so easily.

You can't control her life. Either start to accept her choices (or at least keep your disapproval to yourself), or accept that you won't have much of a relationship with her.

OP suggested a hotel but they said no. They clearly want to hosted and fed and watered for free for a week. It’s not about wanting to spend time with OP at all.

It’s both parents,not just the OP at their home. It is very normal for kids partners to stay at family home. All my children’s partners have stayed as did my husband and I at our parents home,

Does she want him there for the full month? Because there's no one in the world I'd have as a house guest for that long. But what's the harm in him coming for a weekend? You should meet the man.

You should invite him. When she sees he has more in common with her parents than her friends, I'm sure her passion will dim. I think this option has passed though because of your reaction.

What are the odds that OP will be expected to do the hosting though?

Why should she have to cook and clean up after a random man for a week?

@SparklyTealPanda - I have a friend whose dd is in a relationship with an older man who also has a child, and it is a very happy and settled relationship. She is very happy, and the relationship is clearly stable and lasting.

I do understand your misgivings, but maybe, if you met this man, and saw him and your dd together, you might find that there is nothing for you to worry about. And frankly, if there is something to worry about, you will know more, and have more proof, if you have actually met him.

Also, as previous posters have said, you are risking pushing your dd away, and that would be a bad thing whether the relationship lasts or not. If he is going to make your dd happy, and the relationship is going to last, you won't want to be excluded from her life, and if it does not work out, you don't want your dd feeling so alienated from you that she can't come back to you to pick up the pieces.

You might have a point if you knew my age. You know what they say when you assume...

She's an adult and it's your house, your rules. You don't have to accommodate them.

I just watched a documentary about Anna Nicole Smith, who married an ancient rich guy when she was in her twenties. From all the footage and audio recordings, along with interviews from people who knew both of them, it’s obvious that she had more power over him than he did over her.

He was a petroleum billionaire and she was a high school dropout from small-town Texas. She was happy to run off to photo shoots and nightclubs and not get in touch with him for days; he’d telephone and leave desperate, lonely messages on her answering machine. She had a budding career and a whole professional life he wasn’t part of. He saw her as something like a very sexy angel who miraculously delivered him from a life of elderly widowhood.

If everyone involved is an adult and someone isn’t in an official position of authority over us, there’s only a “power differential” if we allow there to be one. If someone tries to pull rank because they’re older or richer or what-have-you, we don’t have to tolerate that.

Your age doesn't excuse you from making ageist comments. Duh.

And I didn't assume your age so your ASS joke makes no sense.

You’ll be here in time to come crying about your estranged daughter after you’ve pushed her away. She’s an adult in an adult relationship if her own choosing. He has offered to come with her, despite I assume knowing you’re not keen. In her eyes he looks like the hero in this story.

up to you how much of the villain role you want.

Ergh, what a sleaze. I think you know that you can't push him away without pushing your DD away too though.

I would be upset if my DD ended up in this situation but I'd suck it up because maintaining contact with her would be the priority. You can only hope that she'll realise all the issues that come with such a large age gap before she's wasted too much time on this man.

@HussellRobbs that sounds weird for a man in his 40s to want/need to be hosted for free for a week? Does he work?
Is it just her saying this stuff? Is there a chance if you spoke to him he'd be totally reasonable and immediately agree to the hotel, and be surprised she's making these demands on you? I think you maybe should try and speak to him...she's not acting very adult so maybe he's the best port of call? Or if he acts an arse then you'll know you were right about him.

OP have you ever asked yourself why your DD only stays for the odd weekend since starting Uni?

I suspect you were already driving her away before this. The fact that you won't even entertain meeting him face to face is appalling.

FWIW my bestie met her DH when she was 25, he was a 45 yo divorcee with two teenage children. 25 years later they are still together with a teenager. Bestie gets on really well with her DHs now adult kids. They are one big extended family. The DH has a fantastic relationship with his ILs, who are naturally only a couple of years older than him. Oh and the 70 year old guy is one of my best friends.

Get a grip OP

OP has actually said it’s not just about not wanting him to stay at their home though, she’s said she has no interest in meeting him at all and if they stay in a hotel nearby rather than at OPs home then the daughter is to visit without him. Or that’s certainly how the op reads to me anyway.

You are going about this ALL WRONG!

Invite him to stay and get the measure of him, show your daughter that you accept her choices. See how they are together.

If you think he’s a dick, be nice to him, flirt with him, but subtly draw attention to his age- “oh it’s lovely to be someone who knows good music, what was at no 1 when you were 16 Colin? Oh how much that we have so much in common! Oh look at you tidying up, so nice how someone slightly older doesn’t need telling what to do in the house. You’ll make someone a lovely husband (nudge nudge). How big your little Johnny is getting, he’s a great kid, must be so nice to have the baby years out of the way. Grandad next huh!!”

I can guarantee that your daughter will be 🤮

Unless it is genuine true love. In which case better get used to it!

I understand why aspects of this make you uncomfortable, but you are in serious danger of destroying your relationship with your DD here and surely that isn't what you really want to do!!??

I agree with the way your husband is going about this. His approach is much more likely to keep the lines of communication open between himself and DD.

I guess you have now backed yourself into a corner here, from which the only exit is to back down, which you will probably see as humiliation even though it doesn't need to be (just say that you got it wrong and overreacted).

Your options are probably:

1. dig your heels in as you are and fall out with DD for a long time, possibly for good.

2. go along with your husband's approach (infinitely more sensible and measured really) and be less rigid. Maybe they could stay at your house, or maybe in a local hotel or Airbnb. I would let them be at your house to be honest but that's something you'd have to iron out.

3. book yourself a weekend or a week away on your own and let them come to visit your husband without you there. Then you can continue to ignore them, trash your own relationship with your DD but let your husband maintain his.

There was a case in my own wider family where a parent disapproved of a relationship their adult son had forged with a girl. The reasons weren't age gap related but the parent still tried to interfere and dictate. That was over 30 years ago now. The son and the girl got married and are still very happily together. His parent was told to accept it or lose him because this relationship was non-negotiable. The parent was forced to back down as they wanted badly to keep in communication with their own adult child and family relationships did largely recover over time, thankfully. Lessons were learnt - namely that parents cannot dictate this sort of thing. The parent backed down soon enough to even go to the wedding, where I saw them.

That's what you need to do.

The most sad part about this is that it probably took OP's dd a lot to even ask. OP if I were you, I'd be on the phone apologising and offering a compromise. That you'd love to meet him but a week is perhaps too long. Otherwise you risk losing her altogether

Don't project your own relationship onto OP. Many couples share hosting duties - there's nothing here to suggest the OP's DH won't do what's necessary.

Also when my DH and I used to stay at my parents home, it was barely "hosted". It was my family home, so we still did all the normal things like make our own breakfasts, lunches, help with or cook the dinners and offer to make it for my parents, clean, do the shopping, wash-up, all the normal stuff.

@HussellRobbs At no point has even the OP suggested that the DD and her bf want waiting on hand and foot at all. You seem to have your own little narrative running on to.

OP -how would you feel if the bf was say 26 with a child? Is it the child that is the issue (as well as the age gap) because you suggested this was another reason. Nowadays there are all sorts of blended families and people with a child or children from previous relationships. They can't just be "diaappeared". I think its lovely that your DD gets on well with his son and vice versa. It would be very easy for the son to be the one putting a spanner in the works.

So you say your DD only generally comes home for a couple of days at a time even during unk holidays. Why is that? Does she have work commitments in the holidays or have you previous exerted over controlling traits that has led to her not wanting to come home.

Maybe as someone says she wants an extended visit so she can show him off and you get to know him properly because she is ready to take the next step with a man who at the age of 42 has a country house in Surrey and can afford boarding school fees for his son.

Doesn't change my opinion. Better luck next time.

Stop being ageist and there's no need for a next time.

OP, yanbu to be less than thrilled about your dd's relationship with a much older man. I wouldn't like it either.

But you're being very unreasonable not to respect her choices as an adult, and in the long term, you will just end up driving her away. Is that what you want?