AIBU for not allowing my daughter to bring her boyfriend home for Easter?

[SparklyTealPanda]

My daughter (born 2003) has spring break from 29 March to 26 April. She's currently studying in London. She said she wants to come home starting with next Friday for an extended visit (around a week). That part is wonderful. Now here's what the problem is: she's been dating a man born in 1982 since early 2023 (met in late 2022). That's a 21-year age gap. I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. Obviously my husband and I let her know that we disagree with their relationship multiple times, but she's an adult and can do whatever she wants at the end of the day. We're just making sure that she remains financially independent and doesn't isolate herself from us.

Well, remember that extended visit I mentioned? Yeah, she wants to bring him along too. I said bloody hell NO. I don't support her relationship, I don't want to meet her boyfriend, and especially don't want him in my house; neither does my husband. So we told her, if you're coming, you're coming alone. Or you're coming with your boyfriend, but he's staying at a hotel and we don't meet eye to eye. She said no, if he's not coming, she's not coming either, it's simple. Said she really wanted to spend some time with us and the family, but if we're being this unreasonable, then she'll just go to his country house in Surrey and spend Easter / the break there with him and his family.

When my husband heard that she's not coming at all, he told me to call her and tell her that fine, she can bring the boyfriend; he really wants to see his daughter, misses her. I, on the other hand, don't think that we should back down so easily.

A classic example of how to drive her away.
I wouldn't be happy if DD was seeing someone 21 years older, but I would make them welcome in spite of my reservations about their relationship.

Is she a student?

I never allowed boyfriends/girlfriends over - just had a blanket rule about it.

Could you do that?

Are you usually this controlling over your adult daughter?

Yes, last year at LSE.

Wow. That's rather mean spirited.

People are often pushed closer to "unsuitable" partners when parents make such stands.

Your DH has a say in how he wants to approach this too and to him maintaining the relationship with his daughter is what matters to him more than being right.

There are 2 scenarios of allowing them both to come. You meet him and actually realise he is OK or he isn't but your daughter knows you respect her and support her decisions.

Invariably it may either fizzle out and you will be happy or it won't because they are a matched couple in which case your daughter will be happy which in turn hopefully means you will be too.

She's not controlling her adult daughter. She gets to decide who can and can't stay in her house. Her "adult" daughter can always get her own house. Even if she is a student.

Yep, you're going to drive her away, just be prepared for that

She is 21, an adult - albeit a young one.

I would suggest that this man is unlikely to be 'the one' but, nothing throws a couple together like drama & tragedy - all of which you are supplying.

I wouldn't enjoy being held to ransom like that by her, after all, your home is your home & you decide who stays there. Perhaps you could call her, be polite, be kind, be respectful, & say you were a little hasty, you'd love to meet him, you miss her, but can you meet in the middle & he stay in a hotel. Ask her to think about it, & be very clear that you understand that this is an important person in her life.

The reality will be that in all likelihood, as they meet more & more of one another's friends & colleagues, they will realise they have drifted apart. I know that I, in my early 40's, do not really want to hang out with my mates GF who is 22.

I think you have some backtracking to do.

You know she is an adult. He is willing to go to her parents, it's a serious relationship.

If you want a healthy relationship with her you know what you need to do.

I don’t think there’s an easy answer here.. as PP have said, you risk pushing her away, however, with DC the same age I know exactly how you feel and would react in exactly the same way.

Op have you considered she is an adult and can make her own choices..? If that choice is not to come home ever again that's a choice you have forced upon her..

I've been her. You're just forcing her away from you, making her unable to come to you for support if it goes wrong. Giving him reason to isolate her further from you, making him the victim in this story.

If he turns out to be as controlling and abusive as mine did, you're making it easy for him.

Is the age gap your only issue with him?

Yes its a huge age gap and i understand that its hard to understand what a man his age sees in a much younger girl, but shes old enough to make up her own mind. A family member of mine has a 31 year age gap, he has kids older than her and they got together when she was 18, no one approved but theyre still together 19 years later and now no one even notices the age gap. As long as he treats her right, id accept her choices.

This type of thing can drive people away, as you are seeing.

How could you think she was just hoping to come alone because you had banned him? 21 seems very young to you, but when you are 21 you really fo feel like an adult, you feel experienced, you feel your decisions are reasonable.

For what it's worth my sister in law is married to a man 21 years older than her who she met 50 years ago when she was 18. Her parents tried to drive them apart but obviously failed. She told me she never felt any love for her parents after that, even though they eventually gave in and accepted him.

How awful for you. I have a 2003 kid and would be gutted. But My desire to see my kid and see what creep they were hanging out with would win over. She might need my support in the future and I would want to keep my ‘enemy’ close.
I would suggest 3/4 days max though.

I've been her.

She needs you to be there for her.

As much as I would hate it I would be welcoming to him so there's not a chance for the "it's us against the world" narrative.

You need to be outwardly supportive so she comes to you with any trouble there is.

Plus while he is there you can discuss how much you have in common, use phrases like "our generation" when you're talking to him, or mention songs and films and remind them that dd wasn't even born then etc.

So you’d rather have no relationship with your daughter than one with a life choice that you disagree with but makes her happy?

That’s messed up in my book.

The other thing is that you have not met him yet. It is quite a leap from having never met somebody to having them stay in your house for a week. Maybe they could stay locally and you could meet up for lunches, dinners and walks and get to know him a bit that way first? With gritted teeth obviously…

Keep your daughter close she may well need you.

If this was a 'new' relationship I could possibly understand your stance but they've been together over a yr so committed to some level.
An extended stay with someone unknown could be uncomfortable especially as you've decided to not want to attempt to get to know him.
I think the fact he's willing to come says a lot about him, being closer to your girlfriends parents ages cant be easy for him.
Personally I agree with your husband, your relationship with your daughter is paramount and could easily be badly damages with this. I'd suggest they come but only for a couple of days rather than an extended stay and tge issues that could bring. This would allow you all to meet but quickly be apart again.

I understand why this relationship bothers you but if you’re hoping that ‘taking a stand’ will get her to dump him I fear you are deluded.
She has already chosen a side. She’s picked him. She’s not coming home if he’s not welcome.
If you want to get her to come home you’re going to have to meet her half way.
Can he just come for 2/3 days?

When I was your DDs age I had a relationship with a similar age gap. My parents welcomed my partner into their home as they would do any partner, though I’m sure they had reservations too. If they hadn’t, I simply wouldn’t have spent much time with them at all.

The relationship lasted five years before I realised the age gap presented insurmountable problems for the future and we went out separate ways, very amicably. My ex and my dad are still good friends to this day 😆

As a side note, it was by far the healthiest and happiest relationship I had until I met my now DH. He treated me respectfully, considerately and as an equal. Twenty odd years down the line and I have zero regrets.

My husband is so old fashioned that her boyfriend had to sleep in the spare bed, just like he did when we still lived at home and he stayed over. My friends are shocked at his attitude, he’s only 60, our daughter was born in 1995.

The age difference wouldn’t be a big issue for me, but my husband would have a problem. I’m happy if my daughter is happy and he’s a good guy, unfortunately the numpty she lives with isn’t my idea as ideal and he’s the same age as her 🤷‍♀️

If you continue to show your adult daughter a lack of respect, don't expect to see her much. She is no longer obligated to spend any time with you if she doesn't wish to.