AIBU for not allowing my daughter to bring her boyfriend home for Easter?

[SparklyTealPanda]

My daughter (born 2003) has spring break from 29 March to 26 April. She's currently studying in London. She said she wants to come home starting with next Friday for an extended visit (around a week). That part is wonderful. Now here's what the problem is: she's been dating a man born in 1982 since early 2023 (met in late 2022). That's a 21-year age gap. I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. Obviously my husband and I let her know that we disagree with their relationship multiple times, but she's an adult and can do whatever she wants at the end of the day. We're just making sure that she remains financially independent and doesn't isolate herself from us.

Well, remember that extended visit I mentioned? Yeah, she wants to bring him along too. I said bloody hell NO. I don't support her relationship, I don't want to meet her boyfriend, and especially don't want him in my house; neither does my husband. So we told her, if you're coming, you're coming alone. Or you're coming with your boyfriend, but he's staying at a hotel and we don't meet eye to eye. She said no, if he's not coming, she's not coming either, it's simple. Said she really wanted to spend some time with us and the family, but if we're being this unreasonable, then she'll just go to his country house in Surrey and spend Easter / the break there with him and his family.

When my husband heard that she's not coming at all, he told me to call her and tell her that fine, she can bring the boyfriend; he really wants to see his daughter, misses her. I, on the other hand, don't think that we should back down so easily.

I don't think you'll succeed in ending this relationship by not allowing him over - and this is a case of 'keep your friends close and your enemies even closer'. If you refuse to engage, DD can keep saying 'YABU, you haven't even given him a chance' if you meet him and see some red flags (aside from the relationship itself, which is one) you'll then be able to give more concrete reasons than his age. As others have said, not meeting him is likely to drive her towards him and way from you, and if he is a wrong 'un that's exactly what you don't want. If he is a dodgy, he'll already be using the 'You're not like other girls your age, you're so mature, your parents just don't understand you' and drive a wedge - he can't do that if he's in front of you, or certainly it's much harder.

And as has also been said, likely after a bit she'll see issues with the age gap that don't work for her and it'll bring itself to a close.

I’m a mum of girls and similar age. I would fully assume you will only succeed in pushing them closer together and further away from you

is this the hill you really want to die on, losing contact with your 21yo daughter for a long period of time possibly?

I appreciate your concern about the boyfriend but you haven’t met him so you can’t really know if he’s an awful man. I would be even more inclined to meet him in these circumstances and make up my own mind about him. I mean he is old enough to be her dad, so that’s even more reason she needs to keep contact with her actual dad! Also don’t overrule your husband - he is her parent too!

I see where you’re coming from but I would do the opposite: I’d let him come so I could observe the relationship at close quarters and see if there was any reason to be concerned.

If there is any issue here with controlling/coercive behaviour then you will be pushing her further into his grasp by refusing the visit.

Look on the bright side OP, he's got a country house in Surrey.

my mother married a man 26 years her senior. She was the OW. My grandmother was bitter and unpleasant about my father for her whole life. We rarely saw her.
For goodness sake grit you teeth and welcome him to your home. She is an adult and if this is the only bad decision she makes you will be very lucky. If you dig your heels in you will lose her

👆🏻🤣🤣

The above was @ginasevern

For goodness sake, let her come home, let her bring him. Then when she meets up to catch up with all her old school friends and their partners she will begin to realise how their age gap manifests itself in attitudes, shared memories, experiences etc and maybe she will start to re evaluate her relationship and what she gets out of it

my sister was once with older guy, my mum 'persuaded' her out of that relationship, she is now married to someone else but the marriage does not seem that great....

in retrospective i think the older guy was the love of her life and my mum should not interfere...

there is a gooy episode on the subject Party Crasher (Modern Family)

Your stance here is madness op. If you are concerned about any aspect of this relationship you need to meet the man and definitely eye to eye !

Why would you risk alienating her and losing our on precious holiday time?

I'd let him stay. And have a beady eye on him. I wouldn't be happy with the relationship either but I'd rather in this case keep my enemies close.

This. Kill it with kindness, lots of conversations around what was in the news/ family/ music/ films when she was tiny, and him an adult.
Welcome him it might just take the wind out of it.

I wouldn’t let any relationship or man come between my and my daughter. YABU.

When it came to my son's friends I had a few firm house rules. On entering the house they must greet me by name. They must be courteous at all times. That was about it.

I found the dodgy kids couldn't bring themselves to even speak to me, let alone be courteous. They wanted to sneak into the house rather than interact with an adult. And the kids (mine and their friends) noticed that. They soon got rid of these friends. I didn't have to do anything about it.

I suspect the same will be true of this man, OP, in a different way. Kill him with kindness and your DD will soon see him in his true light. The more the age gap is illuminated by entirely innocent comments - for example play a lot of the music of his youth and reminisce about the good old days...

Gosh, I could see why the age gap might concern you, but I think you should at the very least meet the chap before you pass judgement.

If you entrench yourself in this position and they go on to have a long-standing relationship and have kids, you are potentially alienating yourself from your grandchildren.

A colleague of my DH, really lovely bloke, is in his 50s and just married a 26 year old. In this instance, we think he is the mad one, because she wants to be a SAHM, but without kids, and basically live off his salary. However, you can't reason with love.

I think you should at least meet him before you damage your relationship with your daughter beyond repair. But he doesn't have to stay in your home if you don't want him to.

I'm 52 and have been that 21 year old. He was 39. I was living at home after finishing college. My parents did the total control thing and tried to forbid me even seeing him refused to meet him. Obviously now I look back at that time and realise how completely naive and inexperienced I was and was totally flattered that this proper mature 'sophisticated' man wanted me. It makes my skin crawl now and I completely get why my parents acted like they did but boy did it have the opposite effect.
I really saw it as a real relationship and was desperate to chat to my mum about him and be excited about him. I see now that she was terrified for me and could see exactly why this man wanted me.
I think if they'd done the charm offensive thing and welcomed him with open arms they could at least monitor the situation and I'd have been more open to 'friendly mum advice' or seeds of wisdom planted in an 'innocent' manner from my mum.
I really think you need to delve deep in yourselves for this one and find what it takes to get over the very much justified (imo) ick and stay as connected as possible to your daughter.
I only have an 8 yr old so far and I would absolutely feel as you but shutting her out and condemning her life choices are going to drive her away I'm afraid.
If you do this now then you set a precedent for her to be open with you about further relationships.
Just try and remember being 21 and how your parents feel like just a back drop to your real life that's going on. You need to work at the connection.
My mum learned to do this to a degree as my life went on but my dad did not and he remained as a distant extra in my life.

Let him come. Make him welcome. Suss it out. But you've had such a hardened stance towards him so far that you're going to have to do some serious backing down. If you don't, you stand to lose your DD.

Is your only issue the age gap? Do you have any reason to think that he treats her badly? If it was me I think I would want to meet him so I could make an informed judgement of the person and their relationship and therefore be in a position to support her if needed, or be happy for her if not.

If they stay together longer, get married, have kids, are you really happy to miss out on being part of that based on the age of a person you know nothing about?

You’re being very shortsighted here. The relationship is, in my opinion, unlikely to last but what will last is the damage you’re doing by forcing your daughter to choose between her parents and her boyfriend. You could very well find yourself frozen out of her life altogether if you carry on this way.

The daughter is an adult who can see who she likes, but the OP thinks it's appropriate to treat her like a child.
Maybe this guy is really nice, and a great match for the OP's daughter, but she'll never know because she refuses to even meet him.
If I were the daughter, I'd be spending a lovely Easter with my partner's family, and giving my own unpleasant parents a very wide berth.

Yabu for not just giving their ages rather than year of birth.

I saw advice to a similar post on here which sounded sensible:
Don't make him/their relationship more exciting or desirable to her by "forbidding" it or him or showing your disapproval.
Treat him politely, show an interest, and find things that you/your husband have in common with him - presumably you're closer in age to him than she is.

Would be beneficial if you get to know the boyfriend. Your opinion of him might change for better (or worse).

I am older than my DP (he's also older than your dd).

His parents told him they did not accept our relationship. He moved in with me and didn't speak to them at all for six months. He didn't see them for a year.

What they didn't realise was he saw them not accepting me as them refusing to accept him and refusing to respect him as an adult.

Luckily they came around, and we now get on.

Am I who they would have chosen? No.
Is their son happy? Yes.

They have decided that is what matters. If they hadn't it wouldn't have changed our relationship, but it would have destroyed their relationship with their son He was and is adamant that if they ever forced him to choose, it wouldn't be them.

If your dd is as serious as he was/is are you prepared to lose her?

Oh do give over with this rubbish.
I met my now husband when I was 20 and he was 36. He does not have and never had any 'power' over me 🙄
Some women (aged18 or over you are a woman not a girl) are capable of spotting a decent man a mile off even at the age of 21. Not all of us were naive and in need of our parents 'rescuing' us from the super dangerous man who's only crime was being born in a different year to us.
For what it's worth I have two amazing children with my husband and have been with him happily for 20 years now. OP's daughter may not have found the love of her life but that is for her to decide, not her overbearing parents!