To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

Well, to all the lady bountiful wannabes out there, there is obviously a need for Clarks shoes. Why not invest all that money and joyous feeling into buying gift vouchers which can be handed over to food banks perhaps? I'm sure they'd be extremely grateful. They may only thank you once though I'm sure they could put that in writing so you could print it out.

So many children with wet feet out there, just think of the good you could do.

hm. one can do both? in fact how do you know the lady bountifuls dont?

i honestly don’t get the problem with helping a kid here if there parents aren’t doing it. The issue here is that we really don’t know why she was having to wear broken shoes.

Because the shoes split at the sole WHILE SHE WAS AT SCHOOL.. the parents aren't psychic! The next responsible adult that saw Sophie should have told her parents that her shoes had come apart (probably due to the wet weather), not just gone out and paid for a new pair for her without finding out if it was needed or not.

For instance, the parents may have already paid £20 for a new pair of shoes that were waiting to give her when her shoes were finally knackered, and now her friend has gone and intervened with her with £50 shoes, rendering their £20 shoes useless and that could have been £20 that they desperately needed for something else?

No one knows, because OP didn't bother to ask like a normal person would have, she could have easily rang the mum (who she says is her friend?) and said, "I've picked Sophie up and her shoes have split, would you mind if I take her shopping to get her some new ones for her birthday?"

I think providing your child with good shoes is a basic need and you humiliated her.
If that was the condition of her shoes, there's no way that the parents didn't know and already feel terrible about it.
The fact that you didn't ask them or even mention it first and straight away did it, told them how shit parents they are because you bought one immediately.
And then to top it off, you passed it as a birthday present. You don't give basic need items as a birthday gift. Imagine Sophie going around telling everyone her friend bought her school shoes for her birthday, humiliating them even more.
You did a really odd and weird thing by immediately running off and buying those shoes. If you are as good friends with them, why didn't you even say anything and then go buy it?
If I was that mum I would actually back away from you because I would wonder what else I'm a shit parent about according to you.

That 'one can do both' trope is getting old and tired and I don't believe it for a second. It's spouted off so regularly.

Not enough 'thanks!' and 'gratitude' and public validation...

That “Either/Or fallacy” trope is getting quite old and tired and I dont believe it for a second. It is spouted off too regularly.

Either/or fallacy: This is the incorrect assumption that a certain can have only two possible conclusions, even though there are multiple possible conclusions. It’s a logical fallacy because it falsely narrows down the discussion to two options.

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

wow... how stuck up and judgemental are you. You have decided they are a pathetic charity case and you are so much better to bestow upon them.

Disputing with a landlord does not on any planet correlate to not being able to afford to dress your children. My kids have worn through school shoes in under a week before when we tried a new brand, lesson was learned that those shoes sucked but it wasn't that we where too poor to buy shoes.

I however would not buy the ridiculously overpriced Clarks school shoes. Asda are cheaper and better wearing (and we don't need 'brand name' to feel better than others). I would hazard a very strong guess they have picked up the vibe you are laying down about how they are 'poor and live in a grotty flat and cant afford to look after their kids but you are so financially better off'.

I mean they are throwing birthday parties... hardly breadline poor.

People rant to friends it doesn't mean they are charity cases, sounds like they thought you where a trustworthy friend they could vent to and you see them as a project to elevate your ego and status.

I wouldn’t care, you would’ve saved me some money!

I’m not sure i believe that the soles of both shoes split that day. It’s possible, but i’d say more likely they were broken beforehand. No need to be psychic.

I mean they are throwing birthday parties... hardly breadline poor.

And yet their child's shoes had collapsed to the point her socks were wet.

I would be past giving a shit what the parents ‘want’. My focus would be this kid’s feet.

By explain to the school, i mean send sophie to school in any other shoes or trainers she owns that aren’t broken, and explain to the school that she is going in non-school shoes just now as her school shoes are broken and they are planning to replace them as soon as they get a chance.

Do you wait for both soles to give in before purchasing new shoes?

There’ll be plenty of children who have worn through their shoes in Sophie’s class right now. No doubt, they’ll all turn up in brand new shoes after the Easter break - including Sophie.

One mums “Your shoes are old and worn. I’d better rush out and buy you new shoes now!”, are another mums “Your shoes are looking worn and scruffy. They’ll do to see you through this last week of term. We’ll get some new ones ready to go back after Easter break”.

Sorry i’m not really understanding your point or point of view. There’s a big difference between shoes looking old/worn/scruffy and actually being broken to the point that a 5/6 year old has wet feet.

Yes exactly, I think many posters here are overthinking and getting offended at the idea of being judged. Why not just accept shoes as a gift. Wear them or don't wear them! If they save money it's a good thing!

Everyone going on about wet feet (esp op) is so hyperbolic.

School shoes aren't wellies. On a rainy day, the average pair of school shoes, in mint condition, will get one's socks wet. The rain goes in at the ankle.

So banging on about poor Sophie's feet being wet isn't an indicator of abject poverty.

As pp have pointed out, she previously had Clarks shoes, and has had a birthday party.

Edit to add: especially girls' school shoes, that are often rather impractical (eg the T bar type)

So you have no issue with charity then?

We should all just buy things for our poorer friends children and expect them to be grateful?

YABU, very strange

Everyone going on about wet feet (esp op) is so hyperbolic.

School shoes aren't wellies. On a rainy day, the average pair of school shoes, in mint condition, will get one's socks wet. The rain goes in at the ankle.

Jesus, that's a reach.

Is it? Have you seen girls' school shoes?! They offer very little protection from heavy rain.

I'm not disputing the sole split, possibly just that day. But to say "oh dear Sophie is so neglected, her actual socks got wet" is the reach. As if it literally never happens except in cases of neglect. It happens all the time

How long have you lived in the UK? Surely you would have experienced wet feet on occasion?

If you feel so upset by a child having wet feet, for one day, feel free to go to your local Primary School and buy new shoes for every pupil whose shoes are not in pristine condition. It’s Easter break soon. Every child will have been wearing their school shoes to school since Christmas. The vast majority will be kitted out with brand new shoes to go back to school after the Easter break, whether they need them or not.

You are more invested in one child who had wet feet - once, than the OP!

You are coming across as completely out of touch with reality tbh.

Children (and adults) get wet feet on occasion. It’s no big deal!

Sod off with your ‘out of touch with reality’ comment. You know nothing about me.

Your point about kids having new shoes at easter because they are a bit worn out doesn’t make sense in the context of op’s question.

I am perfectly well aware that anyone’s feet can get wet if they aren’t wearing suitable footwear, but am choosing to take op’s post at face value, that this kid’s feet were wet because water was getting in through the broken soles.

I don’t claim to know anything about you except for your completely OTT posts here lol!

You know nothing about Sophie, her mum or her shoes either. There you go… 🤷‍♀️

*Mumoftwo1312 · Today 17:12

Everyone going on about wet feet (esp op) is so hyperbolic.

School shoes aren't wellies. On a rainy day, the average pair of school shoes, in mint condition, will get one's socks wet. The rain goes in at the ankle.*

No they dont. Shoes protect the feet and on a rainy day, they're supposed to keep feet warm and dry. What kind of argument is this, honestly...