To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

She’s probably embarrassed about not being in a position to buy her kid new shoes until they actually fell apart and you’ve done it for her. I wouldn’t think to much into it I’m sure she’s very grateful

I wore a pair of Clarks shoes today for the first time. They were bought 3 weeks ago. They let in water. My feet were soaked. It’s not an an unusual event given I live in the UK and we've had non stop rain since Oct! 🤨 I arrived home, dried my feet and put on my slippers. I’ll wear the shoes again. They cost me £86. I won’t be replacing them for a while.

My DS (9) has been wearing his Tesco trainers (bought as an emergency while his Clarks school shoes were being resitched) to school since before Christmas without complaint.

What’s your point?

I think you meant well which is why I’ve said YNBU but She is probably mortified and feels judged.

I wouldn’t worry too much. Things get blown up a lot here. You haven’t done anything wrong, and there’s no point wondering what could have been different as it’s done now. Maybe if the air doesn’t clear quickly with the friend just have a quiet word and say sorry if you over stepped. I think saying it’s a repayment for the clothes they have passed down is a great idea.

I think you are a fab friend and the fact that there’s been no ‘open’ gushing about your lovely gesture shows that they have just accepted it and don’t have to be overly grateful- I think that different people handle gratitude differently I know I would be perhaps annoyingly grateful and be really thankful but equally my friend who is lovely if someone helped her she’d say thanks and it’d be done.

Just to be clear are we all talking about uk weather?

If a kid wears a pair of shoes such as this one, on a rainy day in the uk, and (say) has to walk over 10 minutes in puddles without an umbrella, their feet simply will get wet.

This is the sort of shoe I picture as a classic clarks girl's school shoe.

The rain goes in at the ankles and the little hole bits in the T bar.

Why are commenters trying to deny this...?!

Or do they only buy chukka boots for their daughters (of which I highly approve)?

I could have asked what was the point of your message Shona. In your original message You're basically saying all shoes leak and it's normal to have wet feet for children. I said that's bullshit. Shoes don't "normally, typically" catch water unless there's something wrong with them. and op said the shoes had holes in them. So yours is a hyperbolic bs argument that's absolutely useless in this context designed to make some silly point about op overreacting.

If a kid wears a pair of shoes such as this one, on a rainy day in the uk, and (say) has to walk over 10 minutes in puddles without an umbrella, their feet simply will get wet.

So? Are you hypothesising the kid went in a puddle and that's why her feet were wet and ergo op shouldn't have bought shoes? That's not what happened, shoes had holes, why are you derailing the thread? These crazy mn threads....

I've read through OPs replies, it sounds like op can't understand why mum could potentially feel embarrassed and is shocked at the number of people who would feel this way. I'm wondering if the following would help OP understand that this response isn't exclusive to Mumsnet users....

I previously volunteered for a children's befriending charity. Each year they have a Christmas party for the kids. Its a well supported local charity and as a result they get loadssss of donations for Christmas presents for the children/young people. However , I was told by charity organisers that a while back, so many gifts were being donated that it made some of the children's parents feel uncomfortable/embarrassed as they were being given by the charity more gifts than the parents could ever provide on Christmas day. Now, the charity will say no to donors when they know that they have enough donations, so what's given to the children isn't as excessive. (Admittedly this was way before the cost of living crisis so I know the charity struggle a lot more than they used to to get donations).

So, op, I think your heart was in the right place and it was very kind. However, i would personally always ask parents what they feel comfortable accepting and feel included in the process of getting whatever is needed.

I wouldn’t like it, sorry. You said how happy it made you and that’s the thing, it was for you.

I’m sorry to be blunt but I think you’ve really overstepped the mark here and humiliated her.

He thanked you, how many times did you want it mentioned.

No, my point (when you started quoting me) was refuting that having wet feet was exclusively the result of neglect.

A small minority on this thread has kept repeating "the child had wet feet! The child had wet socks!" As if this was a rare, dangerous, neglectful experience requiring urgent action.

My point was that having wet feet on a rainy day not in of itself unusual for a schoolchild in the uk. Sure, the girl needed new shoes, but it's not like none of us have had wet feet or socks on frequent occasion.

I think maybe you’ll have to gently broach the subject with Sophie’s mum and just say, i hope you didn’t mind my getting the shoes, I wanted to get her something special for her birthday. just to clear the air.

Seriously just leave it alone. How are school shoes something special that you would buy for a friend.

Apart from the 'charity' aspect, I feel buying a child's shoes is very much a mum's role .

This

Wow I’m shocked that so many people are offended by this. People have far too much pride these days in times when we can’t afford to let pride get in the way!

I think what you did was really kind.

Yes if I was Sophie’s mum, I may have felt embarrassed that I hadn’t noticed or been able to replace her shoes myself before they got to that state.
But I would also realise that those are my own issues and not project those feelings onto you. I would 100% thank you for being a kind friend and ultimately I’d set my pride aside if it meant my child was wearing comfortable and practical shoes to school!

I’ve not rtfs but - and I mean this nicely and not in any way nastily - but are you ND Op?

Only this is like something my dsis who is autistic would do. She is just very matter of fact and black and white and it wouldn’t occur to her that this may be a source of embarrassment for some (ie. the mum)
She doesn’t always “get” the social awareness/intricacies thing!

You sound like you just saw a situation and dealt with it, as you’d be unbothered if someone did that for your dd. But a lot of people would be mortified by what you did.

You meant it as a kind thing though and you’re a good person 💐

You overstepped and now you're put out they're not grateful enough.

should have just lent dry socks and spare shoes and left it at that if you wanted to be kind.

I would have text the mum to say dd came out of school with damaged shoes so we’re going to town anyway, would you like me to pick up some shoes for her? What you did was kind but could be taken as overstepping and judgemental as you took away parental choice.

In Victorian times, in London, All or most children were raggedy, in old clothes and no shoes. This nightmare seems to be in modern generation DNA. I ve seen photos, heard family stories of No Shoes.
It happened and no one could change it and the embarrassment must have been so great that I could sense from my own parents that it was so important to have shoes, it was a badge of Poverty to see no shoes.
The Shoes element was obvious yo my dad, who insisted on the best brand of our shoes. We had to line them all up on a sunday night so he could polish them. I was once in dire straights and could not afford any new shoes for the kids, he noticed and was round my house next day handing over cash for shoes.
So yes, no shoes is a badge of shame/ embarrassment.
By giving shoes, you insulted that parent and acknowledged shortcomings as a parent.

That's not true. She's put out that the mum appears angry with her.

This thread is way over the top. OP is not evil or socially incompetent for giving a gift. The other mum is pathetic and ridiculous for being offended and for putting her own fragile feelings front and centre.

What the OP did was not wrong. She couldn't leave the child in holey shoes, and didn't have any of a suitable size to donate.

Shoes fall apart at some point, especially kid's shoes. It's not a sign of bad parenting. It just means the shoes were fine that morning but were not by the end of the day.

It would have been over-stepping the mark if she'd demanded money for a pair of shoes the parents didn't know were being purchased.

It's a shame that so many people think it's acceptable for a child to suffer, just so their parent's jealous egos don't get bruised.

As someone who grew up poor, we would have been so grateful for the generosity.

I all this “embarrassment“ and pride is misplaced. In an era where begging is being normalised (think go fund me), a pair of shoes is nothing at all. I’d be embarrassed being seen as begging, not because a kind, generous Mum bought my daughter a pair of shoes.

people need a life!

This is a really good point. DD is supported by a Young Carers charity as D'S is disabled. One Christmas I was able to give her a new laptop bought by them. DD does not believe in Santa and was old enough to understand that next year's gift might not be to that level. DD was told where the laptop came from and I asked her to draw the charity a thank you card, which she did. She was happy with the much more humble gifts she got the next year. I'd have been blindsided if someone got her a laptop without discussing it with me first.

I also was a relatively high earner before being a carer put an end to my career so have quite a bit of pride and would hate what the O P did.