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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have bought this child school shoes?

564 replies

southwing · 20/03/2024 20:57

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

  • it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
  • I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
  • I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

OP posts:
OneSpoonyHiker · 22/03/2024 01:30

GiggleHoot · 22/03/2024 01:10

As someone who grew up poor, we would have been so grateful for the generosity.

I all this “embarrassment“ and pride is misplaced. In an era where begging is being normalised (think go fund me), a pair of shoes is nothing at all. I’d be embarrassed being seen as begging, not because a kind, generous Mum bought my daughter a pair of shoes.

people need a life!

I grew up very poor. I would have as a child been really angry at being given charity by a friends mum.

SillySausage53 · 22/03/2024 01:41

Hmm so you bought a child a new pair of shoes after noticing hers were falling apart. She was sent to school in them by her parents who could have put her in a pair of trainers instead of holey shoes?They maybe be having financial difficulties or just didn’t notice or care🤷‍♀️ we can’t hurt peoples feelings these days can we but it’s ok to send a child to school with inappropriate footwear?? How on earth do people think the child felt? Mum may be embarrassed or whatever I don’t really care tbh but she needs to get over herself and just say thanks. What you did was really kind.

Imisssleep2 · 22/03/2024 04:01

I would say Sophie's mum is maybe a little bit embarrassed and doesn't want you to think they are a charity case or that they aren't able to provide for their children.

It was a lovely gesture to buy the shoes, and obviously something the child needed but some people find it alot harder to ask for and accept help than others.

The dad said thank you, just forget it and carry on as normal to show your friend you don't think any differently of her, and things will soon return to normal I'm sure

Coconutter24 · 22/03/2024 06:02

southwing · 20/03/2024 21:27

Okay so to go to tesco or asda it would have been a longer trip, clarks was much closer and convinient to me

No, it didn’t cross my mind I should lie / make an excuse

And

I’m honestly surprise about how many people would feel embarassed / judged / humiliated if the same happened to them…wow.

I woud not have any negative feelings at all. I have been in dire straights to the point that I even got 2nd hand tights and (brand new) underwear as well as a lot of other 2nd hand clothes for me, for DD and stuff for the house from friens (mutual friend with Sophie’s mum) and also food.

Never felt embarassed, not even for one second.

But that’s you and your feelings and quite easy to say now that the cost of a pair of Clarks doesn’t affect you. The mum obviously feels different. Maybe she’s embarrassed to bring it up incase she feels she has to offer to pay you back and she can’t afford that. Her husband thanked you so just forget about it and move on

BreatheAndFocus · 22/03/2024 06:29

You hugely overstepped the mark. Shopping for and choosing new shoes is a parent’s job and, like you felt your joy at buying your daughter Clark’s shoes, this mum probably felt you’d taken that away from her.

I’ve got very little money but I love buying new shoes for my children. It’s a special thing - the whole seeing how much their feet have grown, having the shoes brought out, choosing a pair. You took that from these parents. You barged in, not knowing the situation (maybe they’d already bought new shoes and had them waiting at home? Maybe they planned to get a different brand?)

Kbroughton · 22/03/2024 06:40

I earn a lot. My best friend does not earn a lot. And I have to be very careful not to overstep and embarrass her. We both do well I just Happen to earn more, but there have been awkward moments in the past when I have tried to pay more (ie to go on holiday together) and she hasn't liked it. I don't buy her very expensive gifts as I have previously and I could tell she was embarrassed because she couldn't do the same. Obviously from my perspective she is my best friend, I love her and want to share my stuff with her. But that's not how she feels when I do that, and ultimately I want her to be happy. I expect that's kind of how your friend felt. That you were rubbing her face in the fact she can't afford those shoes. She probably felt it embarrassed her in front of her child. Of course this is all perception and not real, the child probably doesn't care, but if you want to keep the friendship you will need to be mindful of her feelings going forwards.

Doone22 · 22/03/2024 06:42

southwing · 20/03/2024 20:57

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

  • it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
  • I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
  • I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

It's odd that you'd do it without checking. They've probably already got a new pair for her to start wearing that she was going to get for her birthday but now they can't return then. Or something like that. Maybe the child didn't like you buying her shoes. Maybe the mum and dad don't want that kind of charity. It'd probably have been less embarrassing for them if you'd offered a pair of second hand ones that your girls had outgrown.

Notellinganyone · 22/03/2024 07:34

I think it’s out of order to do that without asking. It’s not like buying a present or handing on used clothes. You crossed a line.

katepilar · 22/03/2024 08:56

Lou670 · 20/03/2024 23:15

From a psychological perspective I agree with you being in the 'rescuer' position here and then when your efforts are not rewarded or acknowledged enough for your liking you slip in to the other roles.

Rescuers in life and that personality type are usually doing it to fulfill a need within themselves, usually down to fact that in the past they have wanted to have been rescued and were not. Although you appear to be helping another, you are in fact helping yourself and fulfilling a need within you, whether that is to be shown gratification, to boost your ego, to want to be the saviour, to want to be liked. There is always a reason why 'rescuers' behave as they do.

So very well explained.

katepilar · 22/03/2024 09:00

southwing · 21/03/2024 08:41

Regarding the box

Sophie left the shop wearing the new shoes and I used the box to put the old ones plus socks
Then we went home
When dad came to collect, I just gave him the box - simple

Imagine if I replaced the old clarks shoes by tescos shoes - ppl here would say I’m humiliating Sophie and her parents, implying she is not worthy of clarks and so on

I’m 100% sure Sophie was not confused or humiliated at the time I bought the shoes but maybe now yes, IF the parents are having issues with it and she picked up on it

But I can’t go back in the past or get the shoes back

The fact that Sophie wasnt visibly confused /to you/ doesnt mean she wasnt confused at all.

Dearg · 22/03/2024 09:14

As @Lou670 explained so well, this seems like it was about you. You could have offered the child dry socks, and slippers/ sneakers to wear while at yours if you had in the correct size. Sent her home in them saying ‘ she got her feet wet’ at most. But you overstepped here.

Hoppinggreen · 22/03/2024 09:19

God i would be livid if you did that.
DS just casually mentioed the holes in his shoes yesterday morning as he was heading out the door, aparantly they have been there a while and he keeps getting wet socks!!
Thankfully I managed to get him some yesterday but if another Mum had done so I would be horrified

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 22/03/2024 09:22

Not the right thing to do but I think you know that now. There was so many other ways to go about what you were trying to achieve. You were concerned about the child, I probably would have been too, but you needed the parent to lead in the help they needed or wanted.

A conversation face to face would have been the best thing to do and during that conversation you could have asked if you could help them elevate the financial worry of things by perhaps, purchasing their daughter a new pair of shoes …… etc etc etc. Usually it’s things like offering food that is well received, school shoes are a more unusual offering as that’s very personal and considered a parenting fail for many.

You’ve inadvertently shamed them and made a judgement call on their ability to parent whilst also elevating yourself into a hero role. I don’t believe you planned that, but that’s been the end result and your friendship is now suffering because of it.

sandyhappypeople · 22/03/2024 09:30

GiggleHoot · 22/03/2024 01:10

As someone who grew up poor, we would have been so grateful for the generosity.

I all this “embarrassment“ and pride is misplaced. In an era where begging is being normalised (think go fund me), a pair of shoes is nothing at all. I’d be embarrassed being seen as begging, not because a kind, generous Mum bought my daughter a pair of shoes.

people need a life!

But that can also depend on the mum doing the buying as well surely, if she’s the sort of mum that would quietly do this and not tell anyone to help out a friend, or is she the kind of mum that would tell the story to other mums at the school gates that she had to go and buy shoes for Sophie to virtue signal to everyone what a great friend she is.

the fact that she is rejoicing posting about it on here and doesn’t seem to acknowledge other peoples viewpoint as to why this could be embarrassing for Sophie’s mum, plus the fact that Sophie’s mum is obviously not quite happy about it for some reason, it all paints quite a picture tbh.

Emptyandsad · 22/03/2024 09:34

You're getting a hard time here, OP, but I'm with you. You were being kind. I would talk to the mum and bring this out into the open between you. You have nothing to be ashamed of and, if she wishes you hadn't done this, then you can learn that and not do it again - or she might just be happy to have such a caring friend.

As far as the dad just being grateful and not embarrassed - I wonder if men don't worry so much about being judged on their parenting standards but just take things at face value?

walkerscrispsarethenuts · 22/03/2024 09:38

The mum may be embarrassed but I also think she's rude for not acknowledging and thanking you!

Tiredmama53 · 22/03/2024 09:39

southwing · 20/03/2024 20:57

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

  • it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
  • I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
  • I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

If I wS Sophie Mum I'd have felt so embarrassed and ashamed and probably like a bit of a failure. Not to mention judged. It's probably not rational and clearly not the way you intended but if I was you I would definitely have handled this differently.

Baba197 · 22/03/2024 09:42

Maybe she’s embarrassed? It was well intentioned but not really your place to do it. My best friend is struggling but I’d never just go ahead and buy something like that for my godson without checking 1st. Just because you wouldn’t feel embarrassed doesn’t mean that she isn’t. Dad did thank you so maybe mum feels she doesn’t need to but the fact she hasn’t mentioned it makes es me think there is a bit of an issue there

Goinggreymammy · 22/03/2024 09:49

Totally bizzare behaviour. You crossed so many lines, both with the child and the adult.
How would you feel about other adults taking your daughter off and buying stuff for her without your knowledge? This is a safeguarding concern.
You possibly embarrassed the family.
You inserted yourself into something that is none of your business - their finances, their ability to give things to their child etc. You don't know what shoes the parents or child would have chosen. The child may not have felt able to speak out about preferences or even how she felt about getting the shoes with you as it was such a strange situation to put her in.
You have no idea why the child's shoes were broken. As others have suggested perhaps there was another new pair waiting at home. Some children like the feel of old familiar broken in shoes. My DC often go about in pairs that are scruffy or soles lifting because of sensory issues they don't like the new ones. Or will only wear certain shoes and unless exact same is available won't wear others.
And your snobby attitude to Clarks vs Shoezone is not very nice.
I think you massively overstepped. If you were concerned that the child's feet were wet you could have given her a pair of cosy socks to wear in your house on the playdate.

Thegoodbadandugly · 22/03/2024 09:50

Whilst it's an absolutely lovely thing that you have done you have probably embarrassed her, perhaps send her a text and explain why you done what you did and she might understand a bit better.

ScierraDoll · 22/03/2024 10:00

Well I think it was very kind of you to help this struggling family. Incidentally my shoes are quite worn and I've putting off buying a new pair as I'm on a pension.
While I'm at it my whole wardrobe is looking a bit tatty, some new summer outfits would be most welcome.
Don't worry about me being a bit off with you afterwards I will welcome your gifts with suitable and appropriate gratitude. I wouldn't think for one moment that you are patronising and superior or are causing me acute humiliation because I can't afford my own clothes

Platformboots · 22/03/2024 10:57

Maybe the dad didn't tell the mum that you bought them

Libraview · 22/03/2024 11:02

southwing · 20/03/2024 20:57

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

  • it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
  • I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
  • I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

It seems very much how you feel rather than the family to the point that the post was written because you didn't get the recognition you expected. I think you are missing the point about dignity here and your relationship with the mum might be helped with you apologizing saying you just acted without thinking and saw it as an easy option for a birthday present.

NavyPeer · 22/03/2024 11:03

I would have taken her leaping through muddy puddles on the way home and bought her new to say ‘sorry’ for ruining them

there is a way of doing small acts of kindness without embarrassing people

jengachampion · 22/03/2024 11:07

If you wanted to mention it I would have just said her shoes ripped so I got her new ones on the way home.

Made it seem like an immediate need/accident rather than 'I noticed her shoes were in a bad state so took it upon myself.'