To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

I think what you did was fine.
Hopefully the mom is not off with you about it, could be a million other things bothering her and she was just in bad mood.
Carry on time will pass soon will be time for new shoes again and hopefully you will all still be friends.

blimey. Poor OP. All she wanted was to help a child whose mum told her herself that they were struggling and the child had holes in her shoes. She did try to disguise it as a birthday present and did not boast at all or expect a big thank you. She asked why her friend was being distant, not why her friend didnt thank her.

There are some crazy people here accusing her of:

having some rescuer complex (apparently one only helps people cos it makes them feel good about themselves. What a grim pseudo psychological world view based on debunked science on evolutionary biology and altruism),

talking about Victorian times and how shoes were symbolic ( OP and her friend are from the same country - which is not this country),

someone said OP might be neurodiverse (unbelievable really, I have no words for this...).

...why dont you just lynch her for trying to help a child?

I despair for the state (or rather lack of) of social relations in this country sometimes. The message I am getting is dont help any child, turn a blind eye, lest you end up offending someone. Look at it from another side. What happens to people who are embarrassed to ask for help?

No wonder why there is so much child cruelty and people dying alone not being discovered for years in this country. No-one bloody speaks up. Such a lazy view of the world. dont watch, dont talk, dont offer help. really, in the end, what happens is, people dont care.

Yabvu I don't see how you don't see this what you going to do next week take someone else's child for a haircut because you think it's looking a bit long

I despair for the state (or rather lack of) of social relations in this country sometimes. The message I am getting is dont help any child, turn a blind eye, lest you end up offending someone. Look at it from another side. What happens to people who are embarrassed to ask for help?

You are misreading the thread. There are ways to help people that are less condescending and keep their pride intact.

The best way is anonymously (if truly altruistic you don't care about being recognised/thanked for your generosity). People can really enjoy and appreciate what they perceive as a lucky windfall if they don't feel pitied for being poor.

So the only acceptable way to help is anonymous. How do you help anonymously to a person you actually want the help to be targeted at? Leave shoes by the door? Or only donate to charities?

Exactly. It isn't rocket science is it.

I've had kids here with coats with holes in, there's not a chance I'd take it upon myself to pop to buy them a new coat. There's ways and means of helping folk out by using a bit of tact and common sense.

'No wonder why there is so much child cruelty and people dying alone not being discovered for years in this country. No-one bloody speaks up. Such a lazy view of the world. dont watch, dont talk, dont offer help. really, in the end, what happens is, people dont care.'

Oh stop being so dramatic. The op just needed to provide a spare pair of dry socks, point out to the dad why and given them a chance to buy shoes themselves. You just cannot wade in like this.

On your separate and unrelated issue of child cruelty, if anyone ever has any concerns regarding welfare the first point of call is a confidential chat with safeguarding at their school or ring the nspcc for guidance. Neither, I hasten to add appropriate in this case.

Personally I would have felt a mix of grateful and embarrassed if this were something my DC really needed. Embarrassed to have needed it but grateful the child is taken care of.

Also, sometimes towards the end of term school things get tatty but we usually try to cling on the last couple of weeks so we can have a fun shopping trip during the school break. So we know it's needed but are clinging on to last 2ish weeks (10 or so days wear)

What nonsense. You would have seen it as a gift. A lovely one at that. Stop with the victim mentality and get a life. Also be grateful for he kindness and generosity of others.

On your separate and unrelated issue of child cruelty, if anyone ever has any concerns regarding welfare the first point of call is a confidential chat with safeguarding at their school or ring the nspcc for guidance. Neither, I hasten to add appropriate in this case.

fgs. obviously not. you misread my post. My point is everyone advises everyone in this country not to butt in, keep their mouth shut, you might offend people, dont offer unsolicited help ....( and we see this a lot on MN threads)

Then the “civil” society is reduced only to anonymous charities. Just as one poster suggested up thread. in fact I was expecting it. Charities are fine, but they fulfil a different purpose. There is in the UK, a human to human disconnect, in which help, empathy is only acceptable if structured... Ergo we end up in situations where people are lonely, die alone and not get discovered, or subjected to cruelty. No-one says anything for fear of “offense".

Take what you will from this. It is an observation from a foreigner who has been here for a long time and I am not alone in this observation as it is something we discuss frequently with others from abroad, notably Mediterranean countries where the approach to social ties is very different.

Are you really...telling this person what they feel/would have felt??

What patronises people and makes them feel like a victim is when you treat them as if they can't be in control of their own lives. When you present then with an unasked for gift which assumes the family can't look after their kids properly. If you want to keep breeding victim mentality, patronising people and telling them how they would have felt definitely does the job.

I don't think anyone on this thread has yet suggested that Sophie might have been in trouble for accepting the shoes?

That was certainly my own experience as a child if I naively accepted anything from anyone else. And another thing that OP didn't consider.

I have not read all the replies. I think you did something that was very kind. However, maybe the mum was embarrassed. I would be very embarrassed if this happened to my child; thus I wouldn't let it get to this state.

I am wondering what the shop assistant in Clark's must have thought ! Surely it would be extremely odd to bring a child that is not yours to get feet measured and buy shoes .

I’ve no doubt that OP told her why she was buying a poor child shoes… and waited for the shop assistant to fawn all over her.

I think it's clear from the majority of the posts that the conclusion is:

you did a nice thing, but there's a possibility it may have been misconstrued by Sophie's parents, or that it made them feel embarrassed.

So, I think the best thing to do is just bring it up with the mum again and make sure to bring up the points that:

• you didn't feel it would be fair to ask for money as you just did it without asking them (very valid), and
• they might not have been the shoes they personally would have chosen, but
• that you know how much hassle it is going shoe shopping so you thought you might as well just get her some as a favour so she didn't have wet feet that day,
• you know how quickly children can go through shoes/how quickly they can go (to allay any thoughts the mum might be having that you think she's negligent or something).

I don't necessarily think it's embarrassing for Sophie's parents, but do think it's a very odd thing to have done.
Firstly because it was before you'd even communicated with her parents about the shoes being broken, they may well have had plans to buy new ones at the weekend, or here this is the last week of term before Easter, so may have been planning time to buy a new pair over the holidays, or as part of an Easter present.
Secondly because expensive shoes are a very strange thing to just pick up for someone else's kid! You just don't buy something like that without chatting to their parents first! Its a bit rude to assume that the parents won't have plans to replace the shoes.
Thirdly, because you've dragged these kids who're supposed to be going to yours to play into town to buy one of them shoes! She wouldn't have needed shoes on at yours, and you could have presumably just sent her parents a message saying 'Sophie's school shoes seem to have given up completely today, and her socks were soaking. I've given her some of DDs socks, but if she's got another pair of shoes at home you may want to bring them when you pick her up to walk home'.

You've also already been thanked by her dad! Mum doesn't need to repeat the thanks again!

A semi-related example - my parents took my sister and her best mate on a caravan holiday when they were 14/15, and dropped them both off at a theme park for the day and went exploring a town. The weather was AWFUL, and they rang just after lunchtime asking to be picked up early and said they were soaked through. My parents stopped at primark on the way and got a multipack of pants, two cheap pairs of leggings, a multipack of socks, two cheap tshirts, two cheap hoodies and two cheap pairs of shoes (I think plimsole style ones). They bought them both the same, and both very cheaply, about a tenner for the entire outfit each. They got changed in the toilets and were then whisked to somewhere warm indoors for lunch. If they'd bought her friend some expensive shoes or clothes it'd have been really odd, and would have probably made her feel very odd!

You discuss the 'human disconnect in the UK' with Mediterranean pals? You mustn't make such sweeping statements it's a bit xenophobic. We are a very compassionate amd empathetic nation, whicn again isnt anything to do with the op. The thread is about buying other kids shoes without asking the parents. No, you do not do that.

a friend in need - as they say. That's a real friend💗

As a PP said, it’s Easter hols next week, they were probably waiting for the holidays to replace anything that’s needed. My son has either outgrown or wrecked a few bits of uniform but I’ll wait till the end of the Easter holidays before I replace anything in case he has some more growing to do before then.

By taking it upon yourself to buy the shoes you are pointedly assuming they can’t afford to replace them which is just rude.

You didn't really do anything wrong. You did a kind thing for a child in need.

That being said, the mum probably feels a bit embarrassed.

I would, I think, in her situation, feel a bit off. I think I'd only just about be okay with my very best, oldest friend doing something like that. Just a "school mum friend", I'd feel a bit awkward.

I think if you say the shoes are the birthday gift, you don't bring another gift. I expect the mother felt shamed by this.

I think you crossed a line making the decision her child needed new shoes that her parents were neglecting to buy her and embarrassed her with your charity.

It is not something you can fix by talking about it as you will just dig a bigger hole.

You got a thank you from the dh, move on and be more aware in the future.

We have a family story where my grandmother noticed my uncle's shoes were falling apart. He was acutely aware of the household's financial struggles and hadn't mentioned anything about it, keeping his need for new shoes hidden. My grandmother was horrified, saying 'we're not so hard up we can't buy you new shoes!' The fact I know this story when it happened decades before I was born shows what a big deal it was/is to provide the basics for your children and for someone to assume that you can't do that, even if it's the child themselves, is insulting, horrifying even.

There is a real problem in the UK on social disconnect. With all due respect, you aren't to tell me what I can or can't say, especially based on where I come from,then accuse me of being xenophobic, that's xenophobia on your side not mine. You can use the nature of Internet forums is as a learning opportunity on what people really think but don't say. There's no need to get defensive, after all these years here I'm as British as you and love this country as much as you, possibly even more. That's not to say I have no right to criticise. Posters here are bending over backwards not to "offend". By extrapolation this behaviour results in societal neglect being justified. It's just an observation, and many British people mention this too. Op is crucified almost for wanting to help a kid...