To expect partner to help with paying for food shops?

[Lunluna09]

So I earn between 1.9-2k a month, my partner earns 1.9k so more or less the same.

We live together and I have a child from a previous relationship, and also a car, which he does not.

The household bills are almost £1700 a month, and he currently pays £600 towards this, which is fine as my car means my share is higher.

My issue is I also pay for every food shop, and also all the petrol, and I drive him around frequently. He thinks he pays his fair share in his words and doesn't need to pay more. I buy all his essentials, deodorant, etc

I'm currently spending £1800 a month on the rest of the bills, food/ essentials for the three of us and petrol and it's bleeding me dry, I've got nothing to put aside, ive had two flat tires this month and nothing to fall back on and I'm really struggling. I've brought it up to him and it's very much 'youll need to cut down on things' with no offer to help out even one week a month with doing a food shop.

He's terrible with money and never has anything left after the first week. If I mention needing more he makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable asking for money from him. He also frequently asks to borrow what little money I have from me through the month as he never has any.

AIBU?

I would take the approach here where you tell him living together isn’t working for you anymore and he needs to get his own place again. See if he sticks around when you aren’t paying all his bills.

Add up all of your joint spends for an average month (including food/ groceries).

Subtract costs relating to your child, and the cost of your car (but as he also benefits from the car, you should keep back a percentage of fuel and wear and tear for him to contribute).

Split what is left down the middle - he should be paying half.

I have a feeling it will be more than £600.

What on earth does he spend it on in the first week?

OK
So he is paying just under half the house related bills.
He could contribute more to the car related costs as he benefits from that.
And yes he should be paying for around half the groceries including basic toiletries.
As a minimum he needs to pay a third of the petrol and groceries.
If he can't afford that what is he spending his money on?

Your car is costing a lot. Can you trade it for a cheaper monthly payment?

(just to save you money, still kick him out)

If he rented elsewhere he would have to buy food & toiletries. Why wouldn't he pay whilst living with you?

Seriously, dump him. To even think he shouldn't contribute to food, never mind fuel costs for running him around, shows how selfish he is.

Why are you questioning if he should pay for his food? Does he survive on fresh air or does he eat food daily like the rest of us? Is he a dependent child? Then why the hell would YOU pay for it???
The car is more up for debate as to what is a fair split but if he uses it he should contribute towards it.

What is he spending his money in op? I'm also a but confused as to why he thinks he's paying his fair share when he's clearly not. Have you sat down with him and gone through the costs?

@Lunluna09 if you're giving him money throughout the month it's more than your breakdown

....but questioning if he's right that he shouldn't need to pay for food.

Why on earth are you questioning this?

What world does he live in that food just appears for free?

Does he think you just load up your trolley in the supermarket and walk out without paying?

This.

I voted YANBU, but really. This guy is a drain.

It's far too much! But it's on PCP and i was under the impression if I trade it in, I will end up paying more as ill have the negative equity from my current car to put onto the new one?

Unfortunately I was in a much better situation financially when I took out the PCP and I'm not earning as much currently.

Of course he should pay for food & part of cleaning stuff, loo roll.
Dies he think The Magic Tesco fairy gifts it direct to your fridge?
He saves £1200 a month & you are broke.
Nope Nada Niet.
Tell him it changes or he's history

He should be paying half the food bill. DH and I take it in turns to do and hence pay for the weekly shop and whoever does the shops responsible for meal planning. We don’t have a joint bank account.

Sound like you have a man child, the more you do for them the less they take responsibility for themselves.

OP, do you see that he is a cock lodger?

Why does he think you should be paying for his food and toiletries? Stop it.

Stop driving him everywhere.

If you stay with a man that's so bad with money, you, and your child, will never have anything because you will always be funding him.

I don't think an adult man should pay 1/3 and a woman and child 2/3 of the food shop. It should be 50/50 as he has higher caloric demands, and within that he should have no say in what is purchased as he isn't the one schlepping to the shops and meal planning. If he wants lots of chicken for example, he pays for that himself.

He should get a car or taxi. Stop giving him lifts, or he needs to pay all the petrol, at 15p per mile? plus 25p per mile car wear and tear cost, and 25p mile driving time cost, if you give him a lift anywhere. That's the new going rate.
Stop buying him things.
Stop saying gifts are from both of you, unless he contributes equally to them.

Keep a note pad with a running total and make sure he pays you at the start of the month

If you don't want to ditch him, make sure he knows he needs to be clear about finances with you. Examine his clear score, and his accounts, and find out exactly why he is such a fuck up with money, and work out exactly what you are dealing with here. A secret addiction for example.

3 choices
1 - tell him his wages need to go into your account and you give him "pocket money' back.
2 - he gives more than the current £600 that he does.
3 - he leaves.

Just for absolute clarity. These situations never change. The men never improve, they just become more and more entrenched and feckless. If they start to earn more, they just waste more money. When they see you being a mug they just become happy to take more.

If you don’t want to kick him into touch for you, do it for your kid- what kind of example are you setting for them. Show them that it isn’t right to settle in a relationship, that you deserve better.

FFS why on earth are you even needing to ask?

Why wouldn't he be paying for the food he puts in his mouth?

Give me strength. How many more threads like this will we be reading.

How can people be so foolish.

He has you exactly where he wants you, together with your purse and your bed. Honestly can you not see this?

Of course it is not easy to kick him out, but you can start by broaching the subject tonight with your list of outgoings and a demand for a credit transfer of £X from the end of this month forward. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

I get the feeling that he might be gambling or using.

He can buy his essentials or food he eats which you don't like. He should be paying atheist 800/850

What are you doing with this man? He's a freeloader. You are spending money on him that you could be spending on your daughter!

Just get rid ffs!

Surely it should be he pays the equivalent of 1/3 of the rent, food and utilities (inclusive of toilretries if thats how you shop and petrol. Then 1/2 of the council tax.

What is he spending the rest of his wage on?