To expect partner to help with paying for food shops?

[Lunluna09]

So I earn between 1.9-2k a month, my partner earns 1.9k so more or less the same.

We live together and I have a child from a previous relationship, and also a car, which he does not.

The household bills are almost £1700 a month, and he currently pays £600 towards this, which is fine as my car means my share is higher.

My issue is I also pay for every food shop, and also all the petrol, and I drive him around frequently. He thinks he pays his fair share in his words and doesn't need to pay more. I buy all his essentials, deodorant, etc

I'm currently spending £1800 a month on the rest of the bills, food/ essentials for the three of us and petrol and it's bleeding me dry, I've got nothing to put aside, ive had two flat tires this month and nothing to fall back on and I'm really struggling. I've brought it up to him and it's very much 'youll need to cut down on things' with no offer to help out even one week a month with doing a food shop.

He's terrible with money and never has anything left after the first week. If I mention needing more he makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable asking for money from him. He also frequently asks to borrow what little money I have from me through the month as he never has any.

AIBU?

Since you both earn practically the same amount of money, why don't you split all the bills in half, instead of one paying one thing, and the other paying something else. Just work out the total cost of all bills and both put in the same amount of money to pay them all. Surely that would solve the issue of one paying out more than the other!

Yeet the freeloading cocklodger off the nearest cliff.

Just stop doing it, OP.

Work out what the bills amount to and he pays half. Don't buy his toiletries etc in the household shop. And each time he needs a lift, charge him a couple of quid for petrol.

Lastly, never lend him money.

Just say no.

Either he splits the food shop or he does his own, including his toiletries.

There are far cheaper cars you can get on PCP, I’d look into that.

Your partner is taking the piss. It seems he pays fairly to the household but why are you paying for his food? Does he not actually eat it? Is he not benefiting from the petrol you are purchasing? If he doesn’t wish to contribute to food, he shouldn’t eat it. He can do his own shop. And if he doesn’t want to contribute to petrol or the general upkeep of the car he benefits from, he should get his own or walk.

Youre not being unreasonable.

He needs to contribute towards food as you could be putting a bit of money aside for things you need that pop up like car tyres, saving money for your child's future etc.
If he moans or disagrees then ask him to leave as why should you pay for all the food, you are not his mother.
If he was renting himself he would be paying so much more for rent, bills etc. Don't let him bully you and if he has an issue with paying for his own food tell him he can buy his own food or move out.

Yes he should pay at least a third of the food bill and if he wants lifts half the petrol. If he refuses I would stop buying anything for him and stop taking him places. (Or get rid)

OP, when he ‘borrows’ money, does he pay it back?

Tell him he is right, you need to manage your money better.
So you need him to buy his own food, and products, as you can't afford to pay for him.
Also tell him you won't give him any money extra next month so he needs to keep his own spending down.

This !

Yup.

Come on, op! You can do better.

I dont get it... you say your bills are 1700 but then you say he pays 600 and you pay 1800. I believe you, im just wondering how this works out? Also hes a massive cock, I wouldn't even bother trying to sort this out with him, just get shot of the freeloader and influence on your child

Honestly. Your best bet is to get out now. I lived with someone like this for 9 years (he was also extremely violent but that’s another story) some month I’d be left with nothing and he’d be sat on a pile of new computer game. Finally plucked up the courage to ditch him 16 years ago (had also made the mistake of putting him on my mortgage 2 months before I ditched him so ended up loosing everything there and starting from the bottom but again another story )

fast forward I have been with my husband 15 years, married for 11. I take home £1800 a month and he takes home £3500. Household bills including food £1720 a month. We have one son. All of our money goes in one pot. All bills are paid, I leave £1500 in the bill account for household repairs/holidays/savings then transfer the rest out into another current account, if you want something you get it out of what’s left. We have never had a single argument about money. Even when he came out of work and I only worked 3 days and we had nothing and got behind on bills. What I’m trying to say is some people are mature money wise and others aren’t and these people don’t ever change. They’ll always have you funding them and basically being mum to them.
from someone who literally had to start again 15 years ago with debt coming out of my ears my advice is to get rid. He’s a financial and a time burden. He doesn’t sound like he has any respect for you and this won’t change. Don’t get older and look back and regret wasting your life with someone

I earn similar to you, my partner earns 800 more. We both put £780 each into joint account a month which covers half bills/mortgage & spare money for shopping. Anytime either person goes food shop we just use joint account. The child benefit gets put into the joint account on top of our payments.

We both pay our own cars and personal bills (gym, phone) separately because we have one each. I would expect one of us to pitch in on fuel if we were getting drove around everywhere and the other person didn't have a car.

Ive never asked my partner to put in extra because he earns more, I'm comfortable with what I've got left and it sees me through. We have two children together and he has a son from a previous who we have shared care off. I’ve never asked him to put extra into the account for food for his son. You sound like you are being taken advantage off xx

Yanbu. He eats the food you pay for. He uses the toiletries etc you pay for. He gets free rides in the car for which you pay the maintenance and petrol costs. If he can’t see this when explained to him then send him an itemised bill at the end of every month for every single slice of bread, sausage, tube of toothpaste and mileage costs for every time you’ve driven him so he can see exactly how much you’re paying for him.

he should absolutely contributing to food. Not really much else to say. You wouldn’t expect someone to fund feeding you, would you?

Ask him to be a partner not a freeloading lodger.

Also stop driving him everywhere until he steps up. You aren’t his mum.

My husband and I both have 2 children from previous relationships we both pay half towards mortgage utilities and car . I pay for majority of the big food shops and fuel throughout the month my husband will do 1 food shop after pay day and buy bits throughout the month.
his older child has lived with us full time since end of last year (his other child comes every other weekend my 2 children are home 50% of the time ) we’re a team and if I told him I was struggling he would without question give me whatever money I asked for .

your partner knows you’re struggling and hasn’t offered any help at all he has shown you who he really is .

OP won't answer that

This.

Every day of the week and twice on Sunday!

Why on earth are you buying his deodorant fgs??? He's an adult and can pay for his own deodorant at the very very least.

But I 100% agree with @VeronicaMars2023's post above.

thanks for the belly laugh!

Hi there
You earn the same ish amount so ALL the things you BOTH use should be split in half. If you wish to stay with him, you need to get a credit card that is solely used for joint expenses....like:
Food
Rent
Bills
Petrol...yes...because he uses it too
Meals out unless one is treating the other
Takeaways
Anything else you have to share
At the end of the month, tell him he owes you £500 or whatever. If he doesn't have it, chuck him out. Or get him to get a credit card and you pay him half at the end of the month.

That's a ridiculous spilt of expenses. I am not sure where you live but he would struggle to rent a room in a shared occupancy house including bills for £600 a month and that would be without food.

All household bills should be split 50/50 like rent/mortgage, electric, water, gas, broadband. Then each part for own cars and stop driving him round unless he gives you petrol money. Did to be split between the three of you and you pay two thirds if he wants to be picky about your child. This would lead to a much fairer split, teach him to budget better and free up some of your money for emergencies etc.

Is this really what we have become programmed to accept in this modern world of equality?! Laughable.
What is he actually bringing to the table here? Sounds like zero.
I’d Kick him out and aim a lot higher with my next partner!

oh, hell no. She will end up paying for half his hotel bill with his coworker or girl he met at the gym. Or his $30 lunches.