To expect partner to help with paying for food shops?

[Lunluna09]

So I earn between 1.9-2k a month, my partner earns 1.9k so more or less the same.

We live together and I have a child from a previous relationship, and also a car, which he does not.

The household bills are almost £1700 a month, and he currently pays £600 towards this, which is fine as my car means my share is higher.

My issue is I also pay for every food shop, and also all the petrol, and I drive him around frequently. He thinks he pays his fair share in his words and doesn't need to pay more. I buy all his essentials, deodorant, etc

I'm currently spending £1800 a month on the rest of the bills, food/ essentials for the three of us and petrol and it's bleeding me dry, I've got nothing to put aside, ive had two flat tires this month and nothing to fall back on and I'm really struggling. I've brought it up to him and it's very much 'youll need to cut down on things' with no offer to help out even one week a month with doing a food shop.

He's terrible with money and never has anything left after the first week. If I mention needing more he makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable asking for money from him. He also frequently asks to borrow what little money I have from me through the month as he never has any.

AIBU?

How old is your child? Because unless they are a male teen I very much doubt they are consuming a third of the food, or even you are. My experience with adult men is that they eat a great deal more than women or children.
How long have you been subsidising him for? I would demand he now returns the favour and pays for the groceries for the next however many months until you are even. Then after that they can be halved between you. And if he wants use of the car then he needs to fill the tank every so often.
But honestly do you want your life to be policing a piss taker? Better off showing him door.

You’re with a cock lodger who’s bleeding you dry, time to boot his arse to the curb. You shouldn’t be paying for either his toiletries or food (which should be included in the household bills).

It isn't clear what you pay for the car and he doesn't. Do you pay for the finance on the car and the MOT and petrol and he cuts in 50% on the insurance? Road tax?

It sounds like that may be where the money goes, as well as the food. He can go food shopping every other week and fill the car with petrol while he's there.

Alternatively, you can look at your bank statements over three months, highlight or write out every shared expenditure, add them up and bill him for the shortfall.

My very romantic family alternate doing the expenditure spreadsheets.

@Msanthrop1st

Because she's paying for her and her child vs him paying for him, so I would guess she'd pay more than half so I used thirds as an example?

stop subsidizing him! My mother was in the same boat- her DP moved in our place, he was working but barely contributed. I was old enough to see what was happening and still resent her for lowering our (already low) standard of living for a man. Think what example you’re giving to your child.

YABU for entertaining this shit.

This is why on the other thread I mentioned that the OP should stay by herself and not move the man into her home.

It always starts with:

• I cannot afford to pay xyz.
• I’m only a third of the household, so should only pay for myself, not you and your child, blah blah blah

Then this happens. He’s living the life of Reilly and you’re struggling. Oh, and he’s happy to watch you struggle 🙄.

Yup, YABU!

Is the tenancy in both your names?

Stop buying his stuff in the shop.

Stop running him around in your car.

You are being treated like a mug.

Do not let your child have to endure any more of this in the future.

Leave your partner asap.

He is not a keeper he is a throwback.

That view won’t go down well on here

I wish you would tell him no more lifts until he puts petrol in the car.
Does he not step into the supermarket?
Tell him the car repairs have wiped you out and he will have to pay for his own meals going forward.
It is horrible how he is using you @Lunluna09

What a great deal he’s got going! Where can I find a fool like you!?!?!?!?

stop having him. job done

@Lunluna09 The bills specifically for the house excluding the car are around £1250 a month and my car, car tax, insurance etc make up the remainder, which is why I'm happy with his £600 contribution towards the bills but questioning if hes right that he shouldn't need to pay for food.

He's only right about not needing to pay for food if he isn't eating. Does he cook/clean/do anything useful? He sounds like a waste of oxygen space.

Quite simply he pays for what he gets benefits from, so as it stands he can live, shower, use the bins but if he doesn’t contribute to the car he gets no use from it and he isn’t permitted to eat as he hasn’t paid. End of. He should ne contributing to the car if you drive him round!

Cut back on him. Seriously, don’t buy his essentials, don’t drive him without gas money, etc etc

I understand you putting more in the pot as there’s 2 of you but he should absolutely be paying for petrol and his own food and deodorant etc.

He must be absolutely laughing that he gets all his bills and food for only £600 a month.

I’m surprised you’ve let this slide for so long but you need to nip it in the bud.

Stop buying him food and toiletries and tell him to buy his own.
If he wants to be driven somewhere then he needs to give you petrol money.

Put your foot down, even if it’s over something minor.

Where the hell is his money going? Where did he live before? I'd tell him to go back there, it's not working.

Hmmm bin him? As clearly by the time you leave paid everything you could be in the same position with or without him. So raise that to him and say its half or he leaves. Is it a joint rental/mortgage? Don't sell yourself short. 💐

Maybe just buy your own food, and he can buy his.

It's more like being housemates than being a partner, but if the cap fits....

😂😂😂

So despite all the calls for him to be dumped immediately as a cocklodging abuser, op
is broadly right that he’s paying half of the truly joint bills and the only question is food

on that, yep he should be paying but given there are calls on other threads for the person with kids to pay more, and one poster on this thread, there might be merit in that

when my partner lived in my house I paid more as my kids were there.

This is financial abuse and he’s clearly gas lighting you if he’s got you to the point where you’re doubting if expecting him to contribute to the cost of feeding him is reasonable. Is he abusive in other ways? Do you feel safe? What does he contribute to your life?

Are you a complete mug? Why are you putting up with this?

This. If he had to use public transportation he'd be paying for that so he should pay toward fuel wear and tear mot. It does sound like he is using you terribly. Get rid you will have more money instantly

Wow a rare moment of everyone saying the same thing on aibu.
Just a few pretending that op should pay lots more and no doubt do all the domestic work because she has a child.
My specialist topic on mumsnet is the patriarchy. Here we see an example of how the patriarchy aids unmarried men. He has moved into the family here and the state for one now treats the op and her "partner" as a traditional family unit and expects him to contribute to the childs expenses but he doesn't think that's fair so he is being financially and materially supported by his female partner. Despite the fact that he has the same wage as her.
Patriarchy is endlessly adaptable.

So you could sit him down and explain that the £600 doesn't cover food and he needs to start paying for his share. And that you can't afford the petrol for his lifts any more. And see what he says. But ultimately I think you know that he needs to leave.