To expect partner to help with paying for food shops?

[Lunluna09]

So I earn between 1.9-2k a month, my partner earns 1.9k so more or less the same.

We live together and I have a child from a previous relationship, and also a car, which he does not.

The household bills are almost £1700 a month, and he currently pays £600 towards this, which is fine as my car means my share is higher.

My issue is I also pay for every food shop, and also all the petrol, and I drive him around frequently. He thinks he pays his fair share in his words and doesn't need to pay more. I buy all his essentials, deodorant, etc

I'm currently spending £1800 a month on the rest of the bills, food/ essentials for the three of us and petrol and it's bleeding me dry, I've got nothing to put aside, ive had two flat tires this month and nothing to fall back on and I'm really struggling. I've brought it up to him and it's very much 'youll need to cut down on things' with no offer to help out even one week a month with doing a food shop.

He's terrible with money and never has anything left after the first week. If I mention needing more he makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable asking for money from him. He also frequently asks to borrow what little money I have from me through the month as he never has any.

AIBU?

stop buying his stuff, stop making his dinner, and cleaning his clothes, stop driving him about. he is freeloading so he can fritter his money away on what he wants to ...... tell him when he complains that you don't have the money and until he contributes more then the situation will stay the same. taking away the actual car payment, i'd be splitting the bills equally (apart from kids stuff) and pay petrol money for when you take him places, he'd be paying a taxi driver if he wanted picked up so why no contribution to you??

If he wants to eat, he needs to pay. You pay for his toiletries. I bet you also pay for all the cleaning supplies and laundry detergent. These things are not free. He needs to pay his share or get out.

You are being taken for a mug. Stop buying his toiletries (he's an adult, for goodness sake) and stop driving him places. When he complains, tell him this is you cutting back on stuff. If this means he leaves, then you'll find out how much better off you'll be. Oh, and less stressed about money too.

Me and my ex ended as he was beyond tight and i wrote out a spreadsheet of all the money i had spent in relationship and him to prove i had spent more as he was always demanding it was my turn to pay...

He sounds like my ex - freeloader. It will never change. He’s a taker. These people are only ever interested in themselves. Hope you find someone that deserves you.

You do need to cut down on things. Cut out any food and "essentials" that he uses from your food shop, just buy and cook for you and your child. You need to cut out lending him any money and any lifts you give him.

Best comment 😆

How on earth can he say this? Ok, he’s a twat and he’s full of shit. Very entitled shit. You should just ask him to leave. You must stop buying anything for him: hi x, I’ve been thinking and it’s not working. You need to move out. I can give you a week before you have to be gone. Don’t eat my food, buy your own.

I wonder if posts like this are fake to be honest.

I can't think of one single reason why one person in the relationship would agree to pay for everything for the other person (who earns the same as them) then ask online if that's reasonable or not?

It's too ridiculous to be true.

You would hope they were but no, there are certainly people who accept being total doormats and are basically paying to rent a partner.
It's genuinely sad and I think it's normally due to very low self esteem and/or fear of being alone.

The thing is if he moved out and paid for everything himself, rent alone would be £600 and then he’d have to pay all the rest. The useless control of his money is a red flag alone, he prioritises all his fun in the first week of the month and then has nothing left, he’s in it all for himself. I’d tell him to move out, I bet he finds money then, if you still want him.

Yup - so many of them too

@sandyhappypeople yes, I'd help out with a temporary imbalance but not ongoing. Surely no-one can be this stupid, they earn the same.

£138 a week, all in? Many lodgers pay more than that.

Ask him to move out. Problem solved.

Why on earth have you been doing all this? Are you his mother or partner?!
He sounds immature and very selfish. What exactly does he bring to the relationship that means you don't want to ask him to leave immediately?

Food shopping (and car is used for joint purposes) should be incorporated into the household bills budget. You're obviously accepting you pay more to this budget as you have a DC living with you and I guess use the car a bit more on your own.

YANBU but you are being silly allowing this to go on as long as it has. From now on, shop for you and your child and tell him he needs to buy his own groceries. And if he needs a lift, tell him before he gets in the car, "That will be £x for petrol, do you want to do a bank transfer or cash?" and if he doesn't want to pay he can get a bus.

‘You’ll need to cut down on things’ I would suggest his toiletries and food. He’s not a keeper is he?

@Lunluna09 I was in a similar situation with an ex for years, he paid for half household bills excluding my mortgage and as he didn't drive, I carted him about and drove to do the food shop and therefore paid for it all. He paid £700 a month for years, never increased the payment, I bought everything, toiletries, food, even clothes and his families birthday and Christmas gifts for him. When anything broke, washing machine, dishwasher, boiler etc he refused to contribute in anyway, despite living with me for years and benefitting from these things, even his mother thought he was being tight, I had to get loans to cover these as I just hadn't got the money(he had at least £30k in savings due to his subsidised living). By the time we split up, I worked out I would save money by not having him in the house, I would get 25% discount on council tax, I wouldn't need to buy all his snacks and toiletries and clothes etc. trust me if you work out how much it's costing you to keep this man you may decide you're better off without him
For £600 a month he probably couldn't even live in a house share and he'd have to pay for his own food and toiletries on top

After he left he went to live with his mother who got fed up of him living in her house, so forced him to find somewhere to rent, I got a text a few weeks after he left where he'd decided he had changed his mind about splitting up and I was actually wonderful ... I imagine it had hit home that he couldn't live with mommy forever and living by yourself is actually rather expensive and you have to cook and clean too.... I didn't take him up on his offer, i was quite happy without a cocklodger in my life

So are you listening to everyone?

He needs to go

Hope you're using several different types of contraception because you defo don't want a child with this man

Op you have got to see that this isn't right.

Not sure how old you DC is but unless they are teen DC with a huge appetite there is no way they are consuming a 1/3 of the food. I would imagine it is your partner that probably eats more than anyone.

To be frank he sounds like a freeloading man child and I could tolerate living with someone like that.

Get rid and stop subsidising him

This man is taking you for an absolute mug, and you are letting him. Why are you buying his toiletries???? If he lived alone he'd have to buy them AND he'd have to buy his food, so why does he think food is free at your place??? Have you asked him why he doesn't think he has to pay for food at your place, but would have to pay for it elsewhere? Please don't put up with this horribly unfair situation any longer.

I honestly can't understand why either of you would think that it's unreasonable for him to contribute to food costs?? He's eating the food so why should you pay for it all??

Even regarding the car - he is benefitting from there being a car in the household, so he should be contributing towards fuel as a minimum?