To expect partner to help with paying for food shops?

[Lunluna09]

So I earn between 1.9-2k a month, my partner earns 1.9k so more or less the same.

We live together and I have a child from a previous relationship, and also a car, which he does not.

The household bills are almost £1700 a month, and he currently pays £600 towards this, which is fine as my car means my share is higher.

My issue is I also pay for every food shop, and also all the petrol, and I drive him around frequently. He thinks he pays his fair share in his words and doesn't need to pay more. I buy all his essentials, deodorant, etc

I'm currently spending £1800 a month on the rest of the bills, food/ essentials for the three of us and petrol and it's bleeding me dry, I've got nothing to put aside, ive had two flat tires this month and nothing to fall back on and I'm really struggling. I've brought it up to him and it's very much 'youll need to cut down on things' with no offer to help out even one week a month with doing a food shop.

He's terrible with money and never has anything left after the first week. If I mention needing more he makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable asking for money from him. He also frequently asks to borrow what little money I have from me through the month as he never has any.

AIBU?

hes meant to be a partner not a child paying his mum keep. Why are you buying everything for him? All bills should be split equally. Yes its your car but he gets a lot of use from
it he needs to grow up and you need to set him straight

He should be bloody ashamed of himself. Appalling.

Literally just made an account because of this. Great response.

We accidentally fell in to something like this. Other half is terrible with money so I ended up even putting money in his savings for him. We now sit down every month and look at in and out money. It has been really useful. He realised he was spending a lot of money when out and about driving for work so we put things in place to cut this down eg taking coffee / snacks / lunch to work. It was really useful. I still do all the savings in the relationship but he sends me money on his payday so it’s easier and fairer. He actually feels like he contributes more.

What the hell are you spending on? Where are you shopping for 3 people for it to cost that kind of money.
Family of 5 hald that budget and we certainly don't go without.

Ditch him!

Late to the party here, but food bills need to be split evenly, your child does not mean you pay more, I’ve got a daughter who lives with us and we split all bills in proportion to our earnings, I don’t pay more for food because my daughter is here. Family is family however it’s come together.

I'd write down all the costs including petrol and split it in the middle.

OP, I have only read your posts, not the whole thread. However, this man sounds like he is taking advantage of you.

If it is of any use to you, when I discussed splitting finances with my ex-partner and his DS we did it by "parts". Our tax system considers one adult working full-time as "one part" and a child as "one half", so our household consisted of 2.5 parts. For rent, electricity, internet, food, etc., he paid 1.5 parts to my 1 part. Or 3/5 for him, 2/5 for me.

Any functioning adult should be buying their own deodorant, and if he eats the food he should pay at least 2/5 of the food bill. As for the car, if he uses it then he should also pay - you are not free taxi. My ex had a car and although he was happy to drive about and was able to claim miles from work, I always gave him petrol money for weekend trips/days out/when he did me a favour like picking up my cat for me. That is what a supportive adult looks like and I don't think you have one of those.

Yes. This is ridiculous.
Figure out your actual household expenses (don't include the car if he doesn't use it) - Include rent/mortgage, gas, electric, broadband, water, council tax, netflix, homephone, home insurance. Divide this by two. This is your baseline expenses.

Then have an educated guess at what else is spent on the household - food, furniture, cleaning supplies, consumables, decor, garden stuff, etc. Then divide this my two, and round up to the nearest £50.

Add these two figures together, and that's how much you should each be putting into a joint account to pay your bills and expenses from.

If you both agree, you could pay slightly more because the child is yours (eg you pay 3/5, he pays 2/5) as child will use less food, and many of the costs would be the same if/ when they're not there. But he should be paying a fair share of the bills, and presumably he knew the child existed and agreed to take on some level of responsibility for them before you moved in together.

My lodger paid more than that!! Get rid. He is freeloading

YANBU and the fact that he makes you feel that way when you raise this is a red flag. You are being manipulated even if neither of you fully realise that. He may be lovely otherwise and just trying and succeeding to have his own way on this one, but you need to deal with it quickly. If you don’t nip this in the bud at this early stage, it will fester and damage your relationship. You also say he is bad with money. If you let this continue, it’s a recipe for resentment and unhappiness.

And you are still buying his deodorant , I wouldn’t buy him anything not even food.

Stop being his magic money tree for a start. The next time he wants money from you, tell him no.

This, I know, will not be easy - and it may well be that when he realises that you are not going to subsidise his lifestyle, he will move on to someone else who will. You really don't need someone in your life who is happy for you to give him money, give him lifts and buy his toiletries (!) and then tells you that you need to 'cut back'.

Of course, he's quite right. You do need to cut back - from him.

YANBU. I'm terrible with money myself so we have a Revolut pocket for shopping that we transfer a set amount to each month when we get paid. Then when either of us does a food shop we withdraw the total from there.

He needs to pay at least 1/3 of the food and toiletries or he needs to go buy and cook his own food.
Also, he needs to pay part of the car and petrol that is driving his ass around.
I would be surprised if he does his share of chores or if he pulls the "but Im a stepdaddy" card then as well.
I would rather get a second job for that 600 than deal with this man.

Next time he runs out of money and asks for a hand-out, say no. Tell him you are already struggling and if he suggests you’re broke because you spend too much (which, by the way, sounds like he’s gas-lighting you) then tell him you will happily cut down on spending money on his food and petrol. It sounds like he has a serious problem with money and no idea how to budget, and he might even need some help, but it’s not fair that it’s affecting you in this way.

sounds like he may have spending /
debt problems he’s not told you about or he is just a free loader either way - you need to sort this fast - He is sponging off you and it’s not ok.

Sit him down tell him he needs to start paying HALF toward food & petrol expenses like a grown ass man -
ask him if he has a reason why he thinks he shouldn’t (?!) but personally this would be a dealbreaker for me if he puts up a fight. The fact he’s doing this to you in the first place is disgusting.

This was my first thought. No way is this attractive. 🙄

Cut down on feeding him, lifts and buying his essentials. And when he complains, tell him you took his advice.

@Sleepytiredyawn 😁

Hmmn. You can't cure being dim.

The only thing he shouldn't contribute towards is your child.

But why are you living with a feckless, irresponsible adult? How are you benefitting by spending your hard-earned money on him instead of your child??

Why is all his money gone so suddenly after pay day?

Why is your choice of a partner, who will be a male role model to your child, so sad and pathetic?

Because he is feckless and useless and self-centred and sponging off you - you, who have just been so sadly and depressingly accepting of bad behaviour?

Do you honestly want your child if female - to pick such a loser?

Do you honestly want your child if male - to grow up like him?

The saddest thing is society is people who have such low expectations in relationships and cling in there.

YANBU
Does he/she pay you rent? If so, I would ask for more to cover food and make sure you have a contract.

I think you need to have a bank account where all the bills come out including petrol and food. I'd include running costs on the car because he's benefitting but if you want to keep that separate then do.

I suspect his contribution should be nearer the £1000 mark each month - then you both have around £900 a month each in your own accounts.

Bills £1250 a month, Groceries around £400 a month, petrol £100 a month

Means he should be paying at least £850.

What’s he spending £1300 a month on (in a week)?!