To expect partner to help with paying for food shops?

[Lunluna09]

So I earn between 1.9-2k a month, my partner earns 1.9k so more or less the same.

We live together and I have a child from a previous relationship, and also a car, which he does not.

The household bills are almost £1700 a month, and he currently pays £600 towards this, which is fine as my car means my share is higher.

My issue is I also pay for every food shop, and also all the petrol, and I drive him around frequently. He thinks he pays his fair share in his words and doesn't need to pay more. I buy all his essentials, deodorant, etc

I'm currently spending £1800 a month on the rest of the bills, food/ essentials for the three of us and petrol and it's bleeding me dry, I've got nothing to put aside, ive had two flat tires this month and nothing to fall back on and I'm really struggling. I've brought it up to him and it's very much 'youll need to cut down on things' with no offer to help out even one week a month with doing a food shop.

He's terrible with money and never has anything left after the first week. If I mention needing more he makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable asking for money from him. He also frequently asks to borrow what little money I have from me through the month as he never has any.

AIBU?

So I often see on mumsnet topics of how much people charge their uni kids for room and board, the one who have part time jobs around studying and that's normally like £400 a month.
Your partner who earns £1.9k a month after tax currently pays £200 more than kids in uni....
of course he needs to pay for the food he eats (not even including his own toiletries!!) I would say his share of food per month including toiletries would be around £300, you do need to cut back. Cut back supplementing a grown mans outgoings.

@Duckling771 at least he didn't have a claim on your house! Well rid.

@oprahwindsock I'm starting to wonder why it's so difficult to just say he pays for his food

FFS these useless good for nothing men 😡

So you are basically feeding him and he is refusing to contribute? To his own food?

On God's green earth, WHY?

Stop buying him food🤷‍♀️

@SheepAndSword exactly, made the financial split incredibly easy. I was happy to cover the mortgage and maintenance but the subsidising him for the rest of the stuff did really grate after a while, when you're paying out nearly your entire wage and he can save 2/3 of his
People not believing this happens clearly haven't met these men who manage to make out you're asking for alot if they pay £30 for a takeaway on the £1k+ disposable income when you're paying your full wage keeping a roof over your heads. I think they make it seem like you're after their money dispute them spending an awful lot of yours

You need him to move out or pay you half the cost of the food bill as a minimum in advance each month.
You can't trust him not to spend the money on whatever he's blowing it on now if you don't get it when he gets paid.

If he doesn't pay up, even if you stop buying food for him he is going to just take it out of the cupboards and not replace it because that is the sort of low quality idiot you are shacking up with.

I hope he's really awesome in bed OP, because he doesn't sound like he's any good at anything else.

Unless he can subsist on fresh air, he needs to pay for food.

Also towards the car if you are ferrying him about.

Also buy his own personal products eg deodorant, shaving stuff etc

Also - stop lending him money. Do you get it back? If you do, has he "re-borrowed" it by the end of the week?

He's an arsehole and you are so used to the smell you don't notice it any more.

@Lunluna09 what are you going to do?

What argument is he using to get you to pay for his food? It is so obviously unfair to you and your child. It’s almost as if he is charging his services to be your partner!

Would he be paying only 600 a month for rent, heat, groceries etc. if he lived alone? I doubt it.

Do the household bills of £1700 not include food/toiletries? He's paying a little over 1/3 of the household bills. It's not up to him to subsidise your child, although by paying 1/3 rent he is already (if you were a couple with no child you could live in a smaller/cheaper property) - I assume their father is/should be paying their share toward those expenses?

If the £1700 excludes food, then you need to let him know and ask for his 1/3 share. If he doesn't want to pay, he doesn't get to eat - your shopping will be cheaper :-)

Stop feeding him

Stop driving him around

Stop being a mug

It's not up to him to subsidise your child

If OPwas stepmother to her DP's child, she would be getting comments like "You shouldn't be with him if you aren't prepared to treat his children as your own" etc. Why are men not held to the same standard of care?

And a child won't be eating the quantity of food an adult does - and a OP probably won't eat as much as her DP does. He should be paying half of the food bills.

The government certainly thinks it is up to a new partner to subsidise a child, which is why single parents get benefits stopped when a partner moves in (if they claim them).

Sorry, just saw that update. So he is already paying half of the household bills (excluding car expenses). He sounds like he's already paying more than his fair share there, as he's effectively paying towards your DC costs too - do you not receive any maintenance or benefits for DC? If you're looking for a financially fair household costs split, he should probably be paying 1/3 of the household bills, so around £400, then towards car and food costs too - the £200 would be seen as that portion, but I guess a little more would make that equitable. If car costs are £600 (outrageously high, but your choice) then his share would be £200, and then 1/3 of the food bill too - maybe another £100/£150?

Not from me she wouldn't.

He's already subsidising DC via a bigger property than a couple would need, and higher bills. Is it too much to ask that DC father actually chips in too, or are step-parents held to a higher standard than actual parents?

Conversely, OP would be paying pretty much the same to be a single parent, as rent etc wouldn't be cheaper. I guess OP might receive some benefits, so taxpayers would be paying rather than DP.

Charge him Uber rates for lifts and Deliveroo rates for food and cooking (since I'm guessing you also do the cooking). Paid in advance.

I have been in a similar situation, paying for practically everything whilst partner is terrible with money. He wasn’t doing it intentionally, I just don’t think he realised how much of a difference there was between how each of us were spending money.
What worked for me was to first create a list of every expense and how much they were costing each month. Food shop, each separate bill, petrol, insurance etc etc. I then pointed out to him which of these expenses I was paying, and which he was paying. A million times before this id mentioned how I was spending more than him and it wasn’t fair, I but I think putting it down like this is front of him actually made it sink in. Now we have a joint account that we both put the same amount in per month for the food shop, and we each pay our individual expenses like phone bills from our own accounts. Probably seems a bit of a faff but it works for us. I also pointed out to him what he was sending silly amounts of money on (he used to spend over £100 a month on monster energy drinks!!) and now he bulk buys them at the beginning of the month and if he runs out he runs out. See if you can find compromises like that where he still gets his luxuries but there’s some element of sacrificing/money saving

and then pay tax on those "earnings" as they are no longer a household contribution 🙄

You can gift someone up to £3k with no questions asked.

It's not a "gift" if you're charging it at a specific rate...

Balls I clicked AIBU by accident and can't change my vote. YANBU!!!

So OP, are you kicking the useless piece of shit out!???? Or is this just one of those waste of space threads where the OP just rolls over again and continues to be a doormat to a complete and utter arsehole of a "man"?