To not meet my bf’s ex

[Songsforlittles]

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. We both have kids from past relationships.

His ex has said she will not allow him to spend time with me and his kids (who he has 50% of the time) without meeting me first. I have met her briefly by accident, which was not a great situation for anyone.

I understand that she’s probably still hurting and wants some control over who her children spend time with. However, I also think she is not his mum, she’s not a part of our relationship and her motives seem more based on her feelings rather than concern over her children.

I’m considering saying that I will not meet her. Am I being unreasonable ?

Not the mothers place to meet her childs potential stepmother 😂😂

Some of you really live on a different planet!

Not the mothers place to meet her childs potential stepmother 😂😂

It's not. Simple as.

Wasn’t suggesting it should! Though I think many people are surprised about it, as evidenced by the comments on here…

The legal position, no matter what people are saying here, is that mum doesn’t trump dad, no matter how much time each parent has. Both parents have equal rights unless these is a legal valid reason for that not to be the case.

Children are not ‘owned’, they are not possessions, they are people who need to be loved, supported and educated by a village, which includes all facets of both sides of their families and that may include step parents in come cases.

I totally understand why one parent may wish to meet any potential step parent (see my prior post), but, ultimately it is the responsibility of the parent the child is with at the time (given both parents have parental responsibility) to ensure they are safe, happy and well in their time. So there is absolutely no requirement to meet the other parents partner.

However, the other parent can insist on a DBS/CRB check of them and they can do so legally.

The bottom line is children grow up and, as part of that, they will form their own opinions from what they see and hear and it is the responsibility of everyone involved in that child’s life to make that positive! Because, as others have rightly said, this is about the children who certainly didn’t choose to be in this situation and certainly don’t deserve for anyone to make it harder than it needs to be. Everyone needs to leave their egos at the door when it comes to these situations.

However, the other parent can insist on a DBS/CRB check of them and they can do so legally.

That's not actually correct @sassyclassyandsmartassy You can't get a DBS check for birth parents or people taking on the role of step-parent. You could however ask for a PNC check under Sarah's Law.

Ahh, thank you, I knew there was a check, but it’s been a while since we spoke to someone so I appreciate the correction 🙂

I think the ex has done @Songsforlittles a favour, she’s showing how much of a PITA and control freak she is. The question is if her dp is up to the task of managing his exw’s expectations

I never met my ex-husband’s wife properly in 15 years, and they had our boys once a month from a very young age. I don’t understand because if he has them 50/50 she can’t stop them spending time with you. Weird.

Theyre not just her children, they are his too. If she would be happy for her partners to be vetted by the childrens dad then fair enough but for some reason it never works like that 🤷🏼‍♀️

Personally i wouldnt meet her. They are both parents, have the children 50/50, they should be mature enough to trust each other's judgement.

No. Straight up no. She doesn’t get to decide who her ex dates, she doesn’t get to veto who he introduces to her children. Allow this and you set up a dynamic where she gets a say in your relationship. She doesn’t. She can’t ‘allow’ a thing. Your oh is her ex.

I've been the new girlfriend, with no kids of my phone, and understood why his ex wanted to meet me before I met his son. She did not have any bearing on what we did when he didn't have his son and nor would my partner have let her.
I completely understood meeting her before the child, yes it was awkward but I would have done the same.

Different planet 😂

Bet you wouldn't say that if it was a daughter of yours talking about your grandkids, telling her it wasn't her place to meet the stepmother 😂😂

You're wrong actually @Glow22 as I'm on both sides of this as it is.

I am a step mother and my own children have a step mother, and guess what? I've never met her! Because I don't need to. I trust my ex husbands judgement. He's a grown man with 50% parental responsibility. He doesn't need my judgement and I don't need his.

I'm a single mum and don't think it's my place to meet a potential stepmum of my child.

I didn't say you'd want to do it.
I said I bet you wouldn't say it to your daughter.

Some mothers don't want to meet the potential stepmother, but a lot do. If your daughter said to you she really wanted to meet the woman around her kids would you be so dismissive telling her it wasn't her place, I very much doubt that!!!

For the record I have felt zero need to meet my exes latest girlfriend seeing as my ex is barely around their dad anyway and they're older now. And even when my youngest wasn't talking to her dad for months and months and the girlfriend asked her if she wanted to go for something to eat I said that was fine without needing to meet her, but that's because we're at a different stage of life now and I also know that the girlfriend is never going to actually be doing any parenting or step-parenting seeing as they barely see their dad.

I said earlier on the thread that me and my ex did have an agreement to meet new partners first, and he introduced someone to the kids after sleeping with her twice and moving in, but then told me he'd still expect to meet anyone I introduced so he could grill him because it's different when it's a man 😆

There was a couple off issues very early on where my youngest told me the girlfriend put her up on social media. I said to my ex it wasn't appropriate and then that didn't happen again as far as I know.

I ended up not meeting the girlfriend then for a good while after that, my ex wanted us to meet loads of times because he said we'd get on and be friends 😂 my ex had her outside in the car one day and asked did I want to go and say hello then and get it out of the way or did I want to wait until a different day when I was dressed or more done up 😂I was like "no, why would I care what I look like?"...so I went out and said hello and broke the ice and we actually became really good friends after also 😂

So I've never been in the position myself where I felt like I needed to insist on meeting, however I can empathise completely with mothers who do feel like they need to meet the woman who is potentially going to be the stepmother to their kids, and I wouldn't tell any mother it wasn't her place based on my experiences.

I think it must be so sad, upsetting and emotional for some mothers, especially those with toddlers and small kids to know that another mother could be potentially stepping into her role doing bedtime stories, cleaning cuts etc. and a little bit of compassion and understanding can go a long long way. Treating her like an irrelevant nobody is bound to cause hostility and is not in the kids best interests!

Can you understand that for some other mothers they do feel the need to meet them?

Sure. But it's not a right and they really don't get a say.

I know it's not a right though, I don't think anyone said it is or assumed it would be except for that one poster who asked her solicitor about it.

But for those who want to either develop or maintain a civil or even friendly co-parenting relationship they do tend to consider the other parents feelings and allow them to have a say and to approach situations with some respect and consideration.

Going against the grain here. How does she get to decide who her kids spend time with? That's up to their dad if it's on dad's time. I find this a bit arrogant. I get wanting to meet you, but it's not so she can vet you - that's just controlling. Flip it around the other way. Imagine if your bf tried to control who she was seeing and whether the kids could meet him? Big nope from me...

You also don't get to split up with the dad of your kids and then vet who he chooses to see afterwards or how he parents going forward if he has the kids 50/50

You've only been dating for a few months, so meeting kids should not even be a thought at this point. The rule of thumb is that you should be in a stable relationship for one year before you even think of meeting the partner's kids. So it's really way, WAY too early to even be thinking about it anyway.

100% she has a right to meet.
my heart would absolute crush if my children were spending 50% of their time with another women I knew nothing about. She is well within her rights to ask to meet and it’s the most mature thing to do. You can be civil to each other for the sake of the children. It’s only a good thing.

It's far more arrogant for someone to meet someone elses kids as a potential SP and think that it's none of the mothers business.

There's been no suggestion that she is trying to control who who is seeing.

She doesn’t have any rights in this arena. The op would most likely have been more open the idea had she not levelled “or you can’t see the kids” at their father. Which is emphatically not mature and makes her look like arse.

she didn’t say he couldn’t see the kids, she said OP couldn’t, he just needs to see the kids without her. Simple. They haven’t even been together a year jeez.