To not meet my bf’s ex

[Songsforlittles]

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. We both have kids from past relationships.

His ex has said she will not allow him to spend time with me and his kids (who he has 50% of the time) without meeting me first. I have met her briefly by accident, which was not a great situation for anyone.

I understand that she’s probably still hurting and wants some control over who her children spend time with. However, I also think she is not his mum, she’s not a part of our relationship and her motives seem more based on her feelings rather than concern over her children.

I’m considering saying that I will not meet her. Am I being unreasonable ?

Because she’s threatening to withhold contact. That is what is unreasonable.

I fully understand the worry, as a mum, but as a separated parent you have to trust your ex, unless there is a good reason not to.

On MN they do often get ripped to shreds which is why this one (although I've only read as far as your post so far is refreshing).

In real life it tends to be different than MN and in my experiences most people do try to get off on the right foot and are happy to meet even if they are nervous etc because they think it's the right thing to do.

So for once the responses on this topic actually seem to match real life.

OP’s been asked too many times if she was the other woman and has disappeared. So…

mum is 100% right to want to know more about a woman who broke up DC’s family. I mean, she hasn’t shown herself to be a decent human being capable of caring for a child’s welfare so far.

Absolutely ridiculous. It has everything to do with the kids!

Definitely unreasonable.
It's the right and decent thing to do.
I think it's pretty disgusting actually that you'd consider meeting another womans kids presumably because you intend on blending families someday or why would you be meeting them? And not want to do her the courtesy of meeting her for a conversation.

It also shows that you don't really care whether you get off on the right foot or not so you're not thinking about the kids best interests.

I wonder how many women introduce their new bf to their ex? None I imagine, it's always the bitter ex wife trying to maintain control, he's the parent he can use his judgement as to who his kids meet.

Quite. I've asked this twice and strangely no replies...

I can't imagine any women here being ok with their ex 'not allowing' a new boyfriend to see the kids unless personally vetted by him.

Yes, it's all very sensible to get on etc, but man would be called controlling and abusive for trying to vet his exes future boyfriends, and rightly so.

I don’t think the meeting is really about “okaying” the new partner - you don’t get to choose your ex’s new partner.

It’s about showing the children that the adults in their life are all ok with each other, that the children don’t need to feel torn between households/people, that the adults speak to one-another and can therefore be a united front. Meeting each other can also prevent misunderstandings arising, allow for mutual support to be offered if/when needed and help tackle any difficulties more easily.

I told ex about my bf when things got serious and discussed with ex before bf met our child. I introduced them to each other when it became clear he was going to be a fixture in our lives. When my ex later had a gf the same thing happened. We do child centred events all together and it’s always been very easy.

If my bf had refused to countenance this it would have been a huge 🚩 to me. It would probably have meant the end of the relationship, as it would have showed his values didn’t align with mine. I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t prepared to behave decently towards my child’s father, especially in front of my child - if I can do it, then they damn well can!! Never want my child to feel they have to choose between their parents - we are both on their team.

@schoolsuckz this isn't about facilitating a cordial relationship though, it's that she won't 'allow' contact unless she's meets her. That's vetting and exerting control over an ex.

@Babyboomtastic sorry - was just trying to answer your question about whether any posters had done this themselves…!

Perhaps it is vetting/controlling in this case - but even if it is, it does no-one any favours to refuse to meet. If it causes an issue then you tackle that when you get to it…

In any case if a bf said this to me it would raise a 🚩in my head, as I’d wonder if the ex had good reason to distrust him… I also wouldn’t 100% assume that just because he says she’s issuing an ultimatum that’s what’s going on - maybe he doesn’t actually want things to progress, maybe he just wants to paint the ex as difficult, maybe the ex is difficult with him for good reason etc etc. But experience may have made me overly paranoid…

In any case, OP would learn much more by meeting than refusing to do so, which will certainly do nothing to de-escalate the situation (in my opinion).

You have only been dating a few months. why do you need to meet his children?

if she is still hurting, then the breakup can’t be that fresh. The children are likely still processing too. Dad really shouldn’t be brining a girlfriend around yet if that is the case.

so no, I don’t think you should meet her. I think you should run fast away from a man who isn’t prioritizing his children. If you decide to ignore the red flags, then yes, meet her. Be an adult and let her meet the person spending time with her children.

I had this agreement with my ex.
He was the one who came up with it actually that we'd both get to meet new girlfriends/boyfriends before the kids did.

He then introduced them to someone he'd slept with twice. I know that because she told me afterwards (weirdly we became friends).
My ex told me that he would still insist on meeting a new boyfriend because it's different if it's a man 🙄

Now there is no way on earth I'd introduce a man to him first, but that's for lots of reasons, one being that he barely sees the kids. Another is that he's made extremely bad life choices and tbh him okaying someone else being around the kids would be laughable. Also they're a lot older now so there would be no need.

But earlier on I would have 100% let him because I did everything to try to ensure we had a civil co-parenting relationship. It's not civil now and there's certainly no co-parenting going on but for a good few years we had a very friendly co-parenting relationship which wouldn't have been so friendly if I hadn't let a lot of things slide...and even though we don't get on now the kids very much appreciate those years of friendly co-parenting, and they also see now everything I went through with him to actually try to keep it friendly!

Can no one ever cut anybody a bit of slack? especially when it comes to such an emotive topic of another woman being around your children.

For all anyone knows it was just a strong comment she made while feeling emotional and she's a perfectly nice and reasonable woman.

It's also disingenuous to say it's about exerting control over an ex, when it's child related. She probably wouldn't give a flying fuck about anything he did or who he was with if she didn't have children with him.

My DHs ex wanted to meet me at the beginning of our relationship but I refused as I didn't feel comfortable. I didn't like the idea of having a specific meeting set up so she could essentially interview me and deem whether I was worthy. My DH was quite capable of doing that.

I disagree with those saying that the ex will be part of OPs life whether she likes it or not. I have nothing to do with my DHs ex. I haven't seen her or spoke to her in years. OP can be as involved or uninvolved in the exes life.

Nah. Not her place, not her choice. If you don't want to, don't bother.

With people like this, it doesn't matter how much you try to be accommodating, there will always be some drama or problem. She doesn't have any say over what her ex does and how he parents his children when she is not around and she will have to get used to that. This is an attempt to exert some control. Maybe she has good reasons for that, maybe not, but you definitely don't have to dance to her tune if you don't want to.

Hopefully she trusts him enough to know he wouldn't let anyone he was close to hurt his kids. If not, that's a whole different issue and nothing to do with you either.

Yeah that second part just isn't true.
People can have certain expectations or certain things they think are important and that does not mean they're going to be making demands all the time and that they're never happy.
People just like to say that as an excuse not to do something perfectly reasonable.

...

Correct. She need never meet her, speak to her or have the tiniest interaction with her if she chooses not to. It's not difficult.

Nah. That second part is true. She has no rights and can make no demands and yet she is. She showed who she is. No reason at all to extrapolate that she will behave differently and every reason to avoid her if the OP wants to.

Changed my user name and forgot to change it back. Have reposted with the user name I started responding with.

Many ex husbands are bitter and controlling, as well as violent and dangerous, of course.

However, yes on this site men are generally rightly called out as being bitter and controlling when they are being so - but in this case the ex is being given a free pass.

It's daft. The OP can bin the whole idea if she wants to, and feel fine about it.

How would you prevent them from meeting someone your ex introduced them to? The custodial parent who is with the children at that time has the right to introduce them to anybody at all, spend time with that person and go anywhere they like - provided it's legal and nobody is being harmed.

Interesting to see many people posting irrationally on here with so many unhealed hurts. It's very obvious and I truly hope that this doesn't spill over into their own families, children etc

I think I would want to do the same and know who my child was spending time with and overall it will make things much better for you all and that will only benefit the children if you all get on. Did he treat her badly or how did they end up parting ways. Do the right thing for the children and life will be easier.

She might want to meet you but she doesn't get to demand it. . Threatening to not allow contact is manipulative behaviour. I wouldn't bow to it.