To not meet my bf’s ex

[Songsforlittles]

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. We both have kids from past relationships.

His ex has said she will not allow him to spend time with me and his kids (who he has 50% of the time) without meeting me first. I have met her briefly by accident, which was not a great situation for anyone.

I understand that she’s probably still hurting and wants some control over who her children spend time with. However, I also think she is not his mum, she’s not a part of our relationship and her motives seem more based on her feelings rather than concern over her children.

I’m considering saying that I will not meet her. Am I being unreasonable ?

Would you leave your kids with her unsupervised? Or any one of your families friends that they'd only known a few months?

You can absolutely say no to her request, and eventually you'll probably get to meet them anyway if the relationship is still going. But if your kids were taken to someone you didn't know, left in their care and you were given no say about it, would you trust the person that took your kids there in the first place with them in the future? Most parents would be concerned with family leaving their children with people they don't know, especially when the family members themselves have only known the person a short time.

This is someone that will be in your life for a long time if you remain with your partner, someone who you will need to communicate with about the children. It seems that opening a line of communication and discussion would benefit all involved in this, particularly the children who ultimately will be the most affected by this. It could damage your and your partners relationship with the children if you aren't all prepared to put their needs first.

Nah it's not.

It's just something people tell themselves in order to not behave reasonably.

She can avoid her if she wants but she's probably not mature or even nice enough to be around those kids anyway in that case.

It's extremely obnoxious to think it's ok to be inserted in childrens lives and think that it has fuck all to do with the mother and none of her business to the point where you won't even meet and have a chat.

Laying the responsibility of whether things go smoothly in the ongoing co-parenting relationship at the feet of the (potential) step mother is ludicrous. It's the dad and ex's responsibility to make sure there's no tension and animosity and the children don't get 'stuck in the middle'. If OP doesn't want to meet, then the ex needs to accept that, act like an adult and not cause the tension - and that means not having a tantrum about things she feel entitled to. The ex has no rights here, except to feel her feelings and deal with them appropriately - sometimes you don't get your way, however justified you feel about wanting it.

Having children doesn't give you a trump card over anyone else.

She can request to meet you, but actually - surprisingly perhaps - has no specific right to meet you, even though you will be involved in the kids’ lives.

(this was the advice my solicitor gave me when my ex refused to let me meet his new girlfriend two and a half years ago, despite him moving in with her and our daughter staying in her house as a result. The reason behind that was, I suspect, because I’d met the previous girlfriend, and let’s just say her knowing I was a decent human made things more difficult for him when he wanted to lie/triangulate/play victim… She and I got the last laugh though, they split up three years ago, we’ve been friends for the past two and a half, after bumping into each other in a shop, and he has no idea 😆 it’s been very healing and a positive experience for both of us to pick apart his lies and realise that no, it wasn’t us that was the problem)

There's nothing ludicrous about it if the OP is being introduced because the dad feels she's going to be the kids stepmother in future, which presumably he does or else why would he be introducing them? And presumably that's what the OP is thinking of in the future also if she's going to go ahead with meeting them? A bit of consideration can go a long way.

It's all very well saying 'make sure there's no tension or animosity' but those things are feelings and they may not be able to hide them all from the kids even if they try.

If the OP does refuse to meet her and then mother does have a tantrum over it then perhaps the dad should have the sense to deal with that himself instead of telling the OP all about it and making a bigger issue out of it! But most likely he'll tell the OP and I can bet she'll form a strong opinion of the mother which will persist through the length of her relationship with her boyfriend and the kids will pick up on that too but that's allowed on MN 😂

I think sometimes people forget that stepchildren grow up, there's an awful lot of people on here who act like the kids mother is an irrelevant nobody who simply doesn't matter even if you're getting involved in her kids lives.

But wait until they get older and are adults and then the SM is often the irrelevant nobody who doesn't get invited to events!

Absolutely you should meet her.

They're her children...surely you can understand her wanted to 'vet' you....whether you like it or not.

Suck it up and play nice for the sake of your partner and the children.

If it doesn't go well ...you'll be vindicated, but if it does, it will make things so much easier for you both in the future.

Honestly I’d tell her you’re not ready to meet her because after only a few months you’re also not ready to be spending time with his kids and don’t think it’s appropriate to introduce kids to new partners that quickly.

They are part of the same family and hopefully have respect for each other. If my husband and I broke up I’d hope more than anything we still parent as a team.

Cut this her vs you attitude or move along, your feelings don’t come above what is best for the children.

If she’s not adult enough to meet and be civil with his bloody ex then she’s definitely not adult enough to navigate a relationship with her new boyfriend’s children for goodness sake

"It's all very well saying 'make sure there's no tension or animosity' but those things are feelings and they may not be able to hide them all from the kids even if they try".

Then do better. Their child is at the centre of this and it's their job to step up and navigate and control their emotions. Separation is hard, of course feelings are inevitable, but you can't change other people's behaviour, only your own.

The fact remains that OP is not in any way obligated to meet and be vetted by the ex. Perhaps the ex could start by removing her threats and foot-stamping and see if that helps?

If the ex had been civil in her request this might have a different outcome. Having a child does not give you authority over someone else.

It's not really about being 'adult', it's about having firm boundaries about how people treat you.

@Songsforlittles see, I think context matters on this one. What kind of and how many partners has he had since they split? Are you two serious or are you one of many? I'd want to protect my kids first too, my friends ex husband is absolutely awful and has a partner and multiple other flings that her children have been aware of.
I think if you care about him and think you could become somewhat serious you should go out of your way to make nice with her and just from a good human pov in the interests of making it easier on the kids. It boils down to the fact that if you enter a relationship with someone who has children from a previous relationship, you have to expect it's not going to be all about you.

She's not obligated to legally but if she had the childrens best interests at heart then she would.
It's obnoxious to potentially be a SM and act like the mother is an irrelevant nobody. The kids will notice that.

Yes it's the parents job to parent, but now she's being introduced to the children and will potentially be a SM so from that point she also has an obligation morally to do things in the best interests of the children or else she shouldn't meet the children.

Perhaps the dad (if he also has an issue with what she's asked) and the OP could deal with their feelings on it and cut the mother some slack and go into it with a positive attitude, and maybe that would help 😃

Perhaps the ex was civil about the request initially, we don't know.

We don't know very much about the situation at all.

And it is absolutely about being 'adult'. It is 100% about being an adult.

Well, from OP's post which is really what we have to go on it seems that the request was threatening, but I guess you can come up with any narrative you like. However, even if she had been the most most civilised person alive it doesn't change the fact that sometimes people say no.

Pulling the 'I have a right' or 'you're not being an adult' or 'just go against your wishes and give in to me for a quiet life' card is trying to twist the situation because you're frustrated.

By the way, I'm not saying that I don't think mums and new partners shouldn't ever meet - if both parties want to then great, you do you. I just don't think it should be under demand, or trying to assert that it's somehow owed - if one of the parties doesn't want to, then you're out of luck.

I can totally understand why you wanted to, but there is no way that the law should force this

I think if the relationship is serious enough for you to be meeting the kids, then presumably you think it has legs and could go the distance. If that's the case, then I don't see how meeting her is necessarily a bad thing (obvs she might be openly hostile but I mean in terms of her knowing that you're serious etc.).

If this is just casual and you don't see it going the distance then I think it's a bad idea to meet the kids at all personally.

All I hear here is minimising the ex's behaviour and ignoring OP's boundaries to 'cut the mum some slack (aka give her what she wants).

She doesn't always have to have the children's best interests at heart, she's not morally obligated to do anything of the sort - she's not their parent. She has to be a kind person to the children, sure, and absolutely allow them and their dad to maintain their relationship - but her not meeting the ex has nothing to do with that, that's all for the ex's benefit no one else's.

I presume from the opening post that op is the other woman, If they’ve already met and ex is hurting or they’d just split up and he’s already started dipping his wick in double quick time?

no she doesn’t have any right to meet, can I understand her reticence about wanting her kids being around any Tom dick or Harry yes I can

No it isn't twisting things.
I genuinely 100% believe that if you are meeting another womans kids you should do the decent thing and meet her if she wants you to.
I firmly believe that it's immature not to and that anyone who has the attitude that the mother is an irrelevant nobody is not approaching the situation of meeting the kids with the seriousness it deserves and that's immature.

The people who are twisting things are the ones who take something normal...a mother wanting to meet who is around her kids and trying to make out that it must be to do with trying to meet the ex. They're trying to make out that it's no big deal whatsoever if a new potential stepmother is introduced to that womans kids and it's none of her business 😂Now those people are twisting things.

No, cutting her some slack means understanding that sometimes it can be difficult for mothers to know a new woman is going to be around their kids, a new potential stepmother who could start to take on a lot of her kids care, and then actually having a bit of empathy for that woman as a mother and not judging her for how she expressed it, and handling the situation slowly and with consideration.

Very much disagree that there's no moral obligation on stepparents. But I guess lots don't agree either which is part of the reason why there are so many unhappy blended families and why lots of kids can't stand their stepparents as they get older!

Ask her if she’s going to follow the same rules if she ever gets a partner. My partners ex was like this, even now that I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, have a child with him and she’s had another child since they split (a few months before us) she is still difficult. Brings up everything bad in her life being his fault because he left her and their kid. I bet even now if he offered to take her back she’d have him in a heart beat. She has had several of her partners meet their child without even consulting their Dad but that’s ok according to her. Don’t know why so many women think they should have more say over a child than their father just because they gave birth. Should be 50/50 automatically as far as I’m concerned regarding custody and dads have just as much right to make decisions over who is ok for their child to meet. Yes they should discuss it first but that doesn’t mean mums should get final decisions.

@1sttimemum1602

Don’t know why so many women think they should have more say over a child than their father just because they gave birth. Should be 50/50 automatically as far as I’m concerned regarding custody

It's not just because they gave birth though is it? A big part of why there is so many women who think they should have more of a say is that many of the mothers have the children the vast vast majority of the time. I don't know any man in real life with 50/50 custody or who even asked for it. Many seem happy with weekends or EOW so most wouldn't even take up the 50/50 if it was automatic.

A stranger to the mum, but far from a stranger to the other equal parent. Mummy doesn't trump daddy.

For the purpose to try to judge you or what?
No way
When in the care of her Dad, she is in his care, not the mothers place to be having to meet you.
See how it goes and you will be a threat as well I'm sure.