To ask my parents for financial help

[concernedchild]

I'm 24, I live at home (I know this will attract a lot of criticism but I cannot afford to move out).

I earn £1300 a month after tax etc.

After saving for professional exams (I have to pay for them, I get no help from work) I'm left with £650 per month. Of this I have to pay for uni, all my own expenses and travel to work, as well as other savings.

I'm left with about £75 at the end of each month. From this £75 I contribute what I can to the house but it's not a lot. I feel like a failure. If my friends ask to meet up I have to say no because I can't afford it.

Travel alone is £200 per month. I can't make it any cheaper. Uni is £100 per month. My expenses aren't extravagant - I'm paying for my uni course, my phone, Spotify etc., I'm not spending hundreds on my nails or getting sun beds or anything like that.

I want to approach my parents and ask for some help with the exams but I feel like a total failure for even having to ask. The plan when I moved in after uni was for me to save up and move out, but I had to move company and took a pay cut. I can't relocate my job (I'm on a training contract and I'm unlikely to get another one).

I feel like I'm sinking. I'm working for basically nothing, I can't afford to grab a coffee on my lunch break or even go out at the weekends. I'm trying my hardest to get by but it's having such an effect on me mentally that I feel like giving up and quitting my job all together to find something in a supermarket that's better paid.

Am I being unreasonable to ask them for help? I don't expect them to say yes, I'm expecting them to say no, but I feel like I'm at my wits end. I don't see a point in anything because I feel like I'm wasting my time working and not getting anywhere financially, I feel like I'm behind my peers and I just can't do it anymore

Lots of people have to go without to be able to do other things they want. You want to do the training contract and exams as it will give you great career opportunities, but this may mean going without other luxuries. You may be lucky and your parents may give you or lend you the money. Not everyone has this option and so they go without, not because they don’t want things or think their mental health may suffer if they don’t get to, but because they don’t have the luxury of parents money. I’m not saying it’s wrong to ask your parents, I absolutely would in your position, but please don’t get the mindset that you need and must have these other things, they are luxuries and it’s not unusual to have to go without.

As an adult you make choices though, you want the TC, you want to qualify, that’s the choice you’ve made so you have to live within your means to achieve that goal. There’s lots of people working very hard who can’t afford to have trips away, concerts etc because you have to live a life you can afford. That’s real life.

@Overthebow I totally understand that, but I am completely neglecting everything else in order to study for these exams and pay for them. I haven't seen my friends in months because I can't afford to meet them. I can't do things with my nieces or my family

Yes, and that was your choice ?

In fairness when I was studying and self funding I had to make those choices. They paid off when I qualified and then had plenty of money.

@Mrsttcno1 as I explained. I was in a different position when I started the course. The firm I was at had to close, unexpectedly, and I was thrown into a position of having to take whatever TC I could get or not go into the career I love.

Why don’t you suggest some free activities with friends and family? When we first started out working and me and my friends were all earning low salaries and saving up to buy houses we did evenings round each others places, walks and took our own picnics and coffee, camping trips away in very cheap campsites and again took our own food and drinks. Now we’re in our 30s and have more money we have trips away, concerts and days out. You don’t need to spend money to see your friends and family whilst you’re prioritising other things.

@Overthebow I cannot afford the travel to see my friends. Even to the next town over. I am really struggling

I am sure they will try to help you out if possible .Maybe you could see if a small loan may tide you over? They may not know how much you are struggling

They've taken my initial message really well (it's made me cry!!) it seems they'd be open to discussing it which is a positive step

Of course you should ask your parents for help. I can’t believe the number of mean parents on here who would not help a child in your position. Good luck.

And again, that’s your choice!

@Mrsttcno1 the alternative is me not working or not having a career!! Sounds like you want everyone else to struggle because you did

My dad's response was (in the context of me feeling bad for asking)

"Don't be daft! You're not asking for money for drugs and it was a well thought out message"

We're talking tonight so hopefully it will be positive

My children are younger than you, but I couldn't let them struggle so much when they are working and studying.

It sounds like you have built this up to be much bigger than it really is. Possibly you are struggling with your feelings about where you are right now. Plus general exam/study stress.

I'm an accountant and can well remember how hard the study stage is.

My DCs are your age. We have happily helped them out whether for living support or for extra things like driving lessons.

We have made clear to them that we would far rather they asked for help earlier than later.

Best wishes for the conversation with your parents

@GnomeDePlume being blunt I feel shit about where I am. One of my friends has had a huge inheritance and is buying a house and I feel so crap. But I know that I'll be there soon enough when I qualify. I just feel like a failure

Of course you should ask. Once you are qualified you'll presumably be earning quite high, and so you can pay them back. I'd imagine they'd be mortified if you had to quit studying and working towards your career goals due to financial pressure. Think of it a cashflow issue. It's not as if your asking for money for a holiday or facial fillers or something frivolous like that.

Yeah I've done some calculations and I should have the first loan pretty much cleared by the time of the second exam, so it doesn't appear as bad when it's written down like that. I just feel awful having to ask

I’m glad that your message has gone down well @concernedchild and hope your meeting this evening is a positive one. Good luck with your course and qualifying, I’m sure you will look back at this time and not believe how far you have come but you can absolutely do it. The fact that you are doing it now on so little when it would be easy to just quit just proves that.

Where have I said that I struggled?

I worked my way through my degree and into my current job, I didn’t struggle, I wasn’t going out drinking every weekend or to fancy holidays/concerts etc but I chose the career path I did, my husband also chose a career path that started on next to no money, we lived the life we could to fund the decisions we had made for ourselves thats all.

You are not a failure because you are still at the start of your career journey. You are someone who is working hard to fulfill their potential.

We are really open with our DC about money. There would never be any doubt in anyone’s mind about any of it, because we all know where the others stand.

Other people having an inheritance is just one of those things- it has put them ahead. It doesn’t mean you are behind.

There is no failure in having to struggle to achieve what you want.

It can feel galling when others seem to have things handed on a plate.

But...

Remember how you feel now. When you are qualified and have trainees of your own to manage this struggle you are having to make now will inform how you you deal with them.

You can and will get there.

Have an honest conversation with your parents. They may not realise how tight you are finding things right now. They may well not see the realities of your financial situation.

Hope your parents are receptive to the conversation 🙏 Like your dad said there are much worse things you could be asking for!!