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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think doing the "right" thing has bitten us firmly on the bum

398 replies

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 14:07

Earlier in the year I became concerned that my DS 14 was getting involved in drugs. I searched his room, talked to him at length, talked to the school, made referrals for local support services and engaged with our multi-agency referral unit to set up as much help as possible. DS maintained he wasn’t doing anything wrong and the other adults/ professionals believed him but after a week of raising concerns and talking regularly with school pastoral team, I found some cannabis in his room.

I contacted the various agencies I’d already made contact with, told them the situation had escalated and asked for help. I told school and I took the drugs to the Police Station. I self-referred to Social Services and asked for help there too.
All of which I truly believed to be the right thing to do. The full stop that he needed and a strong message to whoever was supplying the weed that this boy has a parent that won’t turn a blind eye and brush this under the carpet.
Three days later, he was suspended from school and the following week, permanently excluded.

The Headteacher sited the school policy that considers anything to do with drugs to be a reason for permanent exclusion on a first offence and that was that.

I’ve already been to the Governors appeal and they upheld the HT’s decision. Reason again being that the policy states this a circumstance where the HT can choose to permanently exclude a child.

I’m now awaiting the opportunity to appeal to the Independent Board at the local authority.

The police aren’t charging him. He had no drugs on him in school.

He’s got a pending ADHD diagnosis and has experienced 4 of the 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences so has measurable childhood trauma.
At school he had a great record, is predicted 6-7’s at GCSE and was well liked by all his teachers.

The whole experience is so incredibly far from what I thought would happen.

Our social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with.

My son has been groomed to do this and despite all the extenuating circumstances the school have simply washed their hands of him.
As it stands now, he has been out of education for over 7 weeks and there is nowhere else for him to go. None of the Pupil Referral units have any space because the number of children being excluded has skyrocketed and the Local Authority don’t have capacity to despite their legal responsibility to provide education.

I’ve waited weeks before posting here as I really hoped I’d be able to sort it out but it’s like banging my head on a wall.

Does anyone have any experience of the independent review stage or advice that could help me source any kind of education provision for him.

Edited by MNHQ: OP has asked if readers wouldn't mind reading her update to the thread before commenting - she apologises for the unintentional drip-feed here. Thanks, all.

OP posts:
Redpaisley · 20/03/2024 16:41

By painting I mean, anything creative.

Betterbuckleupbarbara · 20/03/2024 23:04

Came back on here to say that these sort of services will create their own narrative a lot of the time to suit their own agenda.

A lot of the time the people involved just lack the capacity as well as the competency to understand any situation that has any sort of complexity, and end up making matters worse in my experience.

Like you OP I would never have tried to advocate for support had I know the sheer hell it would unleash.

Severalwhippets · 21/03/2024 05:21

Good luck with it all op, I hope you son finds something that works for him. You have done your best to keep him safe.

2boyzNosleep · 21/03/2024 07:20

Hi I just wanted to say have you looked into county lines? It's a massive problem, basically children/teens are groomed into dealing drugs and are horribly abused or witness abuse of others as a way of keeping them in the 'gang', or harm threatened to their families. It's awful and I would be seriously considering this is what's happening to your son given the change in personality, and the fact that despite this he has continued. It may not be that he wants to, but has to.

They don't realise they are part of a gang until its too late. Even the slightly older ones have been groomed into it. Police and social care don't seem to be able to support them properly or recognise that it's part of a bigger problem:

learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/county-lines/#article-top

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-68615776

Joe and Michelle

Protect children from crime gangs, expert urges

Tens of thousands of children are at risk of being groomed and coerced into crime, a leading expert says.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-68615776

caringcarer · 21/03/2024 08:06

You need to either home educate your son or if you simply can't then you need to sort him out a tutor for Maths and Science at least. Get him using GCSE bite size. There are also educational things on YouTube he can use. Make sure he gets up and starts at 9 each day or he'll soon fall behind. Just a thought but does he have a school friend who would bring his exercise books over evenings so he could copy them up? Or you could photocopy the work for him. Put in an appeal for extenuating circumstances.

caringcarer · 21/03/2024 08:07

Anotherparkingthread · 19/03/2024 14:58

Oh my god you have ruined his life. Why on earth did you feel the need to go to the police, what if they had charged him? I don't know many teenagers who don't smoke weed. He would have potentially got a criminal record! It wasn't exactly like he he had kilos of cocaine under his bed, could you not have just flushed the weed down the loo and grounded him?!

As for his education I hope you're well off enough to afford private school. Poor lad having to change schools, miss out on a proper education, potentially loose his friends and almost getting a criminal record all because he was doing what 90 percent of teenagers do.

I'm gutted for him, he's a kid, they make mistakes, what on earth where you thinking.

90 percent of teens do not take drugs. That is a ridiculous thing to say.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/03/2024 08:16

Mouse82 · 20/03/2024 07:34

We talk about actions having consequences all and unfortunately OP is meeting hers the rough way. If she doesn't want or need to be chided by half of MN, then keep it off the boards.

Her son was being groomed and was dealing. If she hadn’t acted when and how she did, the consequences would have been much worse. Google County Lines. Or even better read OP’s updates via the ‘see all’ button.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/03/2024 08:24

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 15:17

Yes I guess there is a massive drip feed.

I didn't go into all the other background stuff as we are where we are. What I was hoping for was some advice on appeals.

Thanks to all the kind, empathetic people who've called me stupid etc. Excellent work there on building people up when they're in need.

His father was abusive, alcoholic and eventually removed by the police 6 years ago, when my sons were 5 and 8. We all had family therapy via DV charities and Barnados.

We've rebuilt our lives or had until DS turned 13 and changed overnight it seemed into a completely different boy.

I've spent the last 18 months learning about the teenage brain and trying to support him. He was displaying more and more ADHD traits and his behaviour at school was briefly problematic last spring when he appeared to be involved in an older gang who were asking him to deliver vapes to other kids. He and another friend did this for a few days before being caught. The other friend had a terrible record at school and this was the final straw for him. My DS was the year below and seemed that he was just trying to fit in.

The school insisted that he name all the other children that he'd given vapes to and one of the names was a child who's parent works in the school (in Safeguarding)

My son was subsequently bullied and ostracised by this boy and his entire year group. He had no friends and no one in his corner through the summer term and the holidays when he started hanging out with even older kids of 16/17.

On returning to school in september he was still desperately unhappy and refusing school... I was working with school, he was allocated a youth worker and by November was in a better place although by this point we were aware he was smoking cannabis occassionally as he said it calmed his mind and he was feeling really angry a lot and self-harming by punching walls/doors.

Despite these emotional and mental health challenges he was still doing well in school when he would go in and as I said in OP, all teachers liked him, he's a smart and lovely boy. But troubled. I was keeping the lines of communciation open between school, his youth worker and me. I've been completely open about all the previous childhood trauma and his emerging neurodiversity.

After Christmas, his behaviour got more extreme and he started saying things and doing things that made me more concerned that he was doing more than smoking a bit of weed. Which is where I started my OP... I was very concerned that he was dealing or running for someone so I put all the support in place I could think of.

I spoke at length with a mum of a now 22 year old crack addicted lad who started running at 14 and her advise was get every bit of help you can in now while he's still young enough to have to listen. If he's 16 it will be too late. Her boy has been in prison twice now and she said if she had her time again then she'd have gone heavy at the beginning instead of trying to deal with it herself.

I sat him down and chatted about what he was up to, he swore blind he wasn't doing anything... but I knew there was a difference.

So I took to checking his room. 3 days nothing. Day 4, a new bag. With 10g of weed all divided up ready to deliver.

So at that point it was imperative to act. I couldn't just bin it. That would have potentially ended him up in debt to dealers.

I couldn't tell him in case he ran away to them and got sucked in deeper.

I did what I had been told was the right thing and what I felt was the right thing given the escalation of the situation over many months.

I've just written another essay here and have to go on a school run for my other son so I apologise for the drip feed but the bare facts still remain the same.

For those still posting criticising OP for her actions, here’s the update you need to read. MN have even put a banner on the original post referring posters to it, so there’s no excuse. If you click on ‘see all’ on the original post you’ll also find an update answering a lot of the questions that have been asked already.

Okonimiyaki · 21/03/2024 08:27

The See All button needs to be in bright red at the top of every post. Otherwise all the perfect mums pile onto the OP. Admittedly she drip fed, but she is understandably upset, confused and busy. Plus it's a complex case.

Mouse82 · 21/03/2024 08:27

Rosscameasdoody · 21/03/2024 08:16

Her son was being groomed and was dealing. If she hadn’t acted when and how she did, the consequences would have been much worse. Google County Lines. Or even better read OP’s updates via the ‘see all’ button.

Thanks, but no thanks. I'm in Australia and honestly have no interest or need to google county lines etc. At the end of the day not my circus not my monkey's.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/03/2024 08:32

Rosindub · 20/03/2024 01:47

I suspect the exploitation thing is wishful thinking on OPs part.

Read up on County Lines and the way school children are being groomed for drug running. OP’s son was dealing - of course he was being exploited, why would you see it as wishful thinking ?

Rosscameasdoody · 21/03/2024 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

solongandthanksforallthedish · 21/03/2024 08:35

OP, I've read your updates, but not the thread. I think you've done exactly the right thing here, and I really hear your frustration that the help you need isn't there, or is unhelpful.

I would maybe look around the PRU- they are set up for this, and may well be a good place for him. Or could be worse. You won't know unless you look.

The LA have to educate him. So get them to sort that. You're right to take the child exploitation angle. You're such a good advocate for your son.

Mouse82 · 21/03/2024 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

How about you respect the OP and not derail the thread. I stayed out of this thread until you stuck your nose in.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/03/2024 08:45

Mouse82 · 21/03/2024 08:36

How about you respect the OP and not derail the thread. I stayed out of this thread until you stuck your nose in.

Edited

In what world am l derailing by posting in defence of the OP ? Several posters have responded similarly to horrible comments from those clearly not reading the OP’s updates. You didn’t stay out of the thread, you just didn’t bother to keep up before putting the boot in to a woman clearly in a desperate situation and trying to do the best for her son. I responded to that.

TealPoet · 21/03/2024 10:09

I’ve read the updates not the full thread. I’m certain you did the right thing. You haven’t damaged your son’s life, you’ve probably saved it. If that ends up affecting his education because others are taking an unreasonable stance or wasting time, that’s on them. And he can and will be able to catch up with all the support he has from you.

Can you maybe find some activity or club he can join with people who will give him positive examples and help him make good friends? These days it’s shoved down our throats that missing any school time is a life-wrecking disaster, and that’s frankly rubbish. You’re focusing on his safety and wellbeing (as well as that of others who would buy from him), and that’s so so much more important!

Anotherparkingthread · 21/03/2024 16:32

caringcarer · 21/03/2024 08:07

90 percent of teens do not take drugs. That is a ridiculous thing to say.

It's very nice that you think that but I absolutely promise you that the teens you know just make sure that you don't find out.

Saschka · 21/03/2024 18:32

Anotherparkingthread · 21/03/2024 16:32

It's very nice that you think that but I absolutely promise you that the teens you know just make sure that you don't find out.

It’s not 90% though. Something like 30-40% according to the last stats I saw (ONS survey about a year ago)

caringcarer · 21/03/2024 19:21

Anotherparkingthread · 21/03/2024 16:32

It's very nice that you think that but I absolutely promise you that the teens you know just make sure that you don't find out.

Absolute rubbish.

ScaredToGoogleCuckFace · 21/03/2024 20:27

@dontpokethemommabear how are you getting on?

TheRealTina · 14/02/2025 13:59

I am not sure what to say, having in mind where I live, stinks of weed from windows where families with young kids live. Not my monkey, not my business. But are the authorities bothered by weed ....

TheRealTina · 14/02/2025 14:06

TealPoet · 21/03/2024 10:09

I’ve read the updates not the full thread. I’m certain you did the right thing. You haven’t damaged your son’s life, you’ve probably saved it. If that ends up affecting his education because others are taking an unreasonable stance or wasting time, that’s on them. And he can and will be able to catch up with all the support he has from you.

Can you maybe find some activity or club he can join with people who will give him positive examples and help him make good friends? These days it’s shoved down our throats that missing any school time is a life-wrecking disaster, and that’s frankly rubbish. You’re focusing on his safety and wellbeing (as well as that of others who would buy from him), and that’s so so much more important!

Like that opinion also; Welcome to the home ed option. May be actually will be the safest for your child
a boy without a positive role model and having dad taken away by police, might well want to copy this
you need to find a balance now....

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