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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think doing the "right" thing has bitten us firmly on the bum

398 replies

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 14:07

Earlier in the year I became concerned that my DS 14 was getting involved in drugs. I searched his room, talked to him at length, talked to the school, made referrals for local support services and engaged with our multi-agency referral unit to set up as much help as possible. DS maintained he wasn’t doing anything wrong and the other adults/ professionals believed him but after a week of raising concerns and talking regularly with school pastoral team, I found some cannabis in his room.

I contacted the various agencies I’d already made contact with, told them the situation had escalated and asked for help. I told school and I took the drugs to the Police Station. I self-referred to Social Services and asked for help there too.
All of which I truly believed to be the right thing to do. The full stop that he needed and a strong message to whoever was supplying the weed that this boy has a parent that won’t turn a blind eye and brush this under the carpet.
Three days later, he was suspended from school and the following week, permanently excluded.

The Headteacher sited the school policy that considers anything to do with drugs to be a reason for permanent exclusion on a first offence and that was that.

I’ve already been to the Governors appeal and they upheld the HT’s decision. Reason again being that the policy states this a circumstance where the HT can choose to permanently exclude a child.

I’m now awaiting the opportunity to appeal to the Independent Board at the local authority.

The police aren’t charging him. He had no drugs on him in school.

He’s got a pending ADHD diagnosis and has experienced 4 of the 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences so has measurable childhood trauma.
At school he had a great record, is predicted 6-7’s at GCSE and was well liked by all his teachers.

The whole experience is so incredibly far from what I thought would happen.

Our social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with.

My son has been groomed to do this and despite all the extenuating circumstances the school have simply washed their hands of him.
As it stands now, he has been out of education for over 7 weeks and there is nowhere else for him to go. None of the Pupil Referral units have any space because the number of children being excluded has skyrocketed and the Local Authority don’t have capacity to despite their legal responsibility to provide education.

I’ve waited weeks before posting here as I really hoped I’d be able to sort it out but it’s like banging my head on a wall.

Does anyone have any experience of the independent review stage or advice that could help me source any kind of education provision for him.

Edited by MNHQ: OP has asked if readers wouldn't mind reading her update to the thread before commenting - she apologises for the unintentional drip-feed here. Thanks, all.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 19/03/2024 21:01

I’m assuming you’ve appealed? The school is meant to help (ours does) with a managed move. Have you asked about this?

PaperDoIIs · 19/03/2024 21:02

Alicewinn · 19/03/2024 20:56

I can see why you did that, you wanted to scare the shit out of him not get him excluded. It’s a hard one, I would’ve done the same as you & would have thought the school would be more supportive ffs

It was never about scaring the shit out of him. It was about putting as much support in place, from as many agencies as possible to PROTECT a vulnerable child.

Alicewinn · 19/03/2024 21:05

PaperDoIIs · 19/03/2024 21:02

It was never about scaring the shit out of him. It was about putting as much support in place, from as many agencies as possible to PROTECT a vulnerable child.

Protecting in this case would be scaring the shit out of him though wouldn’t it??! He needed stop, now he has

Caerulea · 19/03/2024 21:06

CENqqq · 19/03/2024 20:10

@Createausername1970 but potential employers and universities will ask why he left at a crucial point in his education. He will have to tell the truth. Would you employ someone who said he was taking drugs and was thrown out of school?

He's been groomed & is vulnerable with additional needs & a traumatic childhood.

Anyone who holds that against him (assuming all is well by that application) is a dick.

Confusedmeanderings · 19/03/2024 21:11

OP, I don't have any advice to offer, but I just wanted to say how tremendously lucky your DS is to have a mum like you.

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 21:19

I really appreciate everyone's responses. Even the ones accusing me of bad parenting... they don't sting because I know they are wrong. I'm doing my best with a very difficult set of circumstances and being as open and honest as I can be.

I'm not naïve. I grew up in a community where cannabis use was rife. Most people dabbled and it was as impactful as experimenting with booze, fags and underage sex. Rites of passage if you will.
But through my teen years and into adulthood, the only people I knew personally that committed suicide or were admitted to psych units and remain on meds to this day, were the ones who's brains didn't get on well with weed.

There's a fine line between a few spliffs and a gateway to a dangerous underworld and the only thing stopping vulnerable teens crossing that line and being lost is understanding, education and love.

Thanks to everyone who's been fighting my corner, giving excellent and helpful advice and being empathetic.

To those who still feel I threw him under the bus, threw a grenade or all of the other delightful metaphors that have been levelled at me today... thank you too. You represent the reason why we all need to work harder at understanding the teenage brain, neurodiversity and the needs of each and every child in society.

OP posts:
Bluegray2 · 19/03/2024 21:21

Gosh, that did backfire in a big way, but you sound like a very caring mother so don’t beat yourself up about it, hopefully your son will have learnt his lesson regarding drugs and your efforts will have been worth it

Home school until he gets in somewhere else, maybe in the next school he will have a better friends group and a new start….. although if other kids in the new school find out he had been expelled it might attract the bolder kids …… something to keep an eye on and also speak to him about

Ukrainebaby23 · 19/03/2024 21:27

Sorry no advice, such a blinking minefield I wouldn't know where to start. You sound like an amazing mum, and one day I think DS will see that and applaud you. Being open and non judgemental is soooo difficult, and clearly alot of MN folk have trouble with those concepts.

Best of luck and I hope thinks settle soon.
.

penjil · 19/03/2024 21:30

You went in full-throttle hard and fast, self-referring to police, the school, social services, agencies, god knows what else....all for a bit of weed?!

If he was a long term heroin addict, well, maybe then I could understand it.

But you've been ridiculously OTT and probably ruined his life.

DDDN · 19/03/2024 21:32

What a devastating situation. I knew a mom whose son went through the same ordeal around 13-14 years of age. He is now 16 and still a struggle. He was groomed, addicted and recruited by gang. Expelled from school. Traumatic past (good mom and supportive extended family though) with abusive dad. Had an EHCP but still expelled due to behaviour issues/drugs. Unfortunately, if he has broken school rules then no amount of appealing will change the outcome. Some schools will take a hard stance for drug offences (this is not the same has forgetting equipment, shouting at teacher, being late etc) with immediate exclusion. Even if the correct procedure was not followed - would the outcome have been the same? Even if they take him back, they will watch him like a hawk and the slightest transgressions will be compiled and eventually used to be excluded. This mom’s son also had police, social services etc involved and spent a bit being home tutored, PRU then managed move. Same area meant same thing happened again. Police really cannot do anything to stop him. Same as all other services. After becoming 15-16, he started coming home late/staying out overnight, coming home high. Police said to mom she had to let him inside otherwise she would be in trouble! Wider family encouraged to go live somewhere else and even abroad with financial help from brother/sisters etc. She refused…now son continues on this troubled path, family no longer want to be involved because their own children are around same ages and scared they will be influenced. I know you got all these services involved for support but the god honest truth is they are all powerless and have absolutely no solutions. Move away. Yes, maybe your other child is going to year 7, but this does not mean he will not thrive. In fact, at this rate, he is being exposed and influenced by the elder one. Move far away that it would not be cost effective to recruit him any longer. Once they do not have easy access to him then hopefully they will forget him. Good luck OP.

Createausername1970 · 19/03/2024 21:36

penjil · 19/03/2024 21:30

You went in full-throttle hard and fast, self-referring to police, the school, social services, agencies, god knows what else....all for a bit of weed?!

If he was a long term heroin addict, well, maybe then I could understand it.

But you've been ridiculously OTT and probably ruined his life.

Wow. Have you read the OPs posts?

YouDidntEvenAskIfSheWasThereMoriarty · 19/03/2024 21:37

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 21:19

I really appreciate everyone's responses. Even the ones accusing me of bad parenting... they don't sting because I know they are wrong. I'm doing my best with a very difficult set of circumstances and being as open and honest as I can be.

I'm not naïve. I grew up in a community where cannabis use was rife. Most people dabbled and it was as impactful as experimenting with booze, fags and underage sex. Rites of passage if you will.
But through my teen years and into adulthood, the only people I knew personally that committed suicide or were admitted to psych units and remain on meds to this day, were the ones who's brains didn't get on well with weed.

There's a fine line between a few spliffs and a gateway to a dangerous underworld and the only thing stopping vulnerable teens crossing that line and being lost is understanding, education and love.

Thanks to everyone who's been fighting my corner, giving excellent and helpful advice and being empathetic.

To those who still feel I threw him under the bus, threw a grenade or all of the other delightful metaphors that have been levelled at me today... thank you too. You represent the reason why we all need to work harder at understanding the teenage brain, neurodiversity and the needs of each and every child in society.

Edited

I do think you should give it some credence, actually.

I know a few adults whose parents called the police on them as teenagers. They still remember it as a traumatic betrayal, even into their fifties. I know maybe three or four people with similar stories and I've never heard one of them say that they were anything even approaching grateful.

I appreciate that you don't want to hear it but I can't pretend that it wasn't clearly perceived as a harmful experience. Given that this is now a life changing event for your child, I must agree with those posters saying you've chucked a grenade at this situation.

PaperDoIIs · 19/03/2024 21:39

penjil · 19/03/2024 21:30

You went in full-throttle hard and fast, self-referring to police, the school, social services, agencies, god knows what else....all for a bit of weed?!

If he was a long term heroin addict, well, maybe then I could understand it.

But you've been ridiculously OTT and probably ruined his life.

Full blown heroin addict.... maybe.

Hopefully you don't have kids, or dogs.. or even a pet rock.

Dogdilemma2000 · 19/03/2024 21:40

penjil · 19/03/2024 21:30

You went in full-throttle hard and fast, self-referring to police, the school, social services, agencies, god knows what else....all for a bit of weed?!

If he was a long term heroin addict, well, maybe then I could understand it.

But you've been ridiculously OTT and probably ruined his life.

RTFT. He was dealing weed.

Dogdilemma2000 · 19/03/2024 21:45

YouDidntEvenAskIfSheWasThereMoriarty · 19/03/2024 21:37

I do think you should give it some credence, actually.

I know a few adults whose parents called the police on them as teenagers. They still remember it as a traumatic betrayal, even into their fifties. I know maybe three or four people with similar stories and I've never heard one of them say that they were anything even approaching grateful.

I appreciate that you don't want to hear it but I can't pretend that it wasn't clearly perceived as a harmful experience. Given that this is now a life changing event for your child, I must agree with those posters saying you've chucked a grenade at this situation.

How would you like to compare that to my friend who was dealing weed at 14, parents turned blind eye, never called cops, and she was dead from a bad batch of heroin at 20?

Better to have a kid holding a grudge against you than that. I didn’t do illegal drugs but other extreme self destructive behaviour and I’m (now) so thankful for the interventions my parents made. Even though I hated them and resented them at the time.

sausagecassarolllover · 19/03/2024 21:53

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Irishmama100 · 19/03/2024 21:54

Can’t offer any advice! But having read everything you posted you are a great mama trying your absolute best. I hope everything works out for you and your
son 🙏☘️

PaperDoIIs · 19/03/2024 21:56

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Ruined his life? Get a grip. At least he'll still be alive and have a life in 5 years, ruined or not.

sausagecassarolllover · 19/03/2024 21:59

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PaperDoIIs · 19/03/2024 22:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

No, but dealing, being groomed, being a victim of CCE, being in a gang and having significant struggles and traumas which mean that weed might soon not be enough, do.

Grow up.

YouDidntEvenAskIfSheWasThereMoriarty · 19/03/2024 22:10

Dogdilemma2000 · 19/03/2024 21:45

How would you like to compare that to my friend who was dealing weed at 14, parents turned blind eye, never called cops, and she was dead from a bad batch of heroin at 20?

Better to have a kid holding a grudge against you than that. I didn’t do illegal drugs but other extreme self destructive behaviour and I’m (now) so thankful for the interventions my parents made. Even though I hated them and resented them at the time.

I'm truly sorry to hear about your friend. But it's not a foregone conclusion that if you don't try to have your child arrested that they'll end up experiencing an early death.

Also, I'm not talking about people holding a grudge. I'm talking about a traumatic experience that has led to a lifetime of feeling betrayed by their parents. In some cases, the relationship with their parents never recovered. Calling it a grudge is very reductive.

MintyCedric · 19/03/2024 22:15

I’m sorry you’re going through this and I can completely understand you actions.

If you’re already in the middle of an appeal about the exclusion and have done the work you may as well carry on, but tbh I can understand why it went that way. However much your DS ticked the academic boxes and was popular with the teachers, the school has a duty of care to protect other kids attending and with the vapes and the weed on his track record it was never going to go well.

That said I think it’s awful that at 14 he’s not been able to access any more support wrt him getting his education and in your shoes that’s where I’d focus my efforts going forward.

Is he in Year 9 or 10?

Yousay55 · 19/03/2024 22:17

In these situations it’s so hard to know the right thing to do. Given all that you & your ds have been through, I don’t know if there was a right answer. Things aren’t always black and white.
I really hope things get back on track for him. You sound like you’re trying everything to support him and one day, he will appreciate it.

Dogdilemma2000 · 19/03/2024 22:20

YouDidntEvenAskIfSheWasThereMoriarty · 19/03/2024 22:10

I'm truly sorry to hear about your friend. But it's not a foregone conclusion that if you don't try to have your child arrested that they'll end up experiencing an early death.

Also, I'm not talking about people holding a grudge. I'm talking about a traumatic experience that has led to a lifetime of feeling betrayed by their parents. In some cases, the relationship with their parents never recovered. Calling it a grudge is very reductive.

But you have no way of knowing whether that intervention was what made the difference in their lives and stopped them self destructing. Your friends are alive in their 50’s, I assume no longer on drugs? If it wasn’t drugs they were shopped for then it’s an inaccurate comparison.

Hard drug use has an incredibly high mortality rate, dealing as young teen is a sure fire route to hard drugs. It’s not comparable to smoking a bit of weed.

tensmum1964 · 19/03/2024 22:21

I don't have anything useful to add unfortunately. I did read through a lot of the responses but started to feel very jaded and sad at the amount of vitriol coming your way as well as the awful comments about your son. It sounds to me like, rightly or wrongly, you did what you did out of fear and love and the outcome wasn't proportionate to the presenting situation.,largely due to the schools incompetent, unnecessary and cruel actions. I sincerely wish you a positive outcome with all of this OP and even more sincerely hope that some of those who have responded so negatively to you, about you and about your son are one day faced with an extremely challenging and heartbreaking situation as the one you find yourself in.