to think doing the "right" thing has bitten us firmly on the bum

[dontpokethemommabear]

Earlier in the year I became concerned that my DS 14 was getting involved in drugs. I searched his room, talked to him at length, talked to the school, made referrals for local support services and engaged with our multi-agency referral unit to set up as much help as possible. DS maintained he wasn’t doing anything wrong and the other adults/ professionals believed him but after a week of raising concerns and talking regularly with school pastoral team, I found some cannabis in his room.

I contacted the various agencies I’d already made contact with, told them the situation had escalated and asked for help. I told school and I took the drugs to the Police Station. I self-referred to Social Services and asked for help there too.
All of which I truly believed to be the right thing to do. The full stop that he needed and a strong message to whoever was supplying the weed that this boy has a parent that won’t turn a blind eye and brush this under the carpet.
Three days later, he was suspended from school and the following week, permanently excluded.

The Headteacher sited the school policy that considers anything to do with drugs to be a reason for permanent exclusion on a first offence and that was that.

I’ve already been to the Governors appeal and they upheld the HT’s decision. Reason again being that the policy states this a circumstance where the HT can choose to permanently exclude a child.

I’m now awaiting the opportunity to appeal to the Independent Board at the local authority.

The police aren’t charging him. He had no drugs on him in school.

He’s got a pending ADHD diagnosis and has experienced 4 of the 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences so has measurable childhood trauma.
At school he had a great record, is predicted 6-7’s at GCSE and was well liked by all his teachers.

The whole experience is so incredibly far from what I thought would happen.

Our social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with.

My son has been groomed to do this and despite all the extenuating circumstances the school have simply washed their hands of him.
As it stands now, he has been out of education for over 7 weeks and there is nowhere else for him to go. None of the Pupil Referral units have any space because the number of children being excluded has skyrocketed and the Local Authority don’t have capacity to despite their legal responsibility to provide education.

I’ve waited weeks before posting here as I really hoped I’d be able to sort it out but it’s like banging my head on a wall.

Does anyone have any experience of the independent review stage or advice that could help me source any kind of education provision for him.

Edited by MNHQ: OP has asked if readers wouldn't mind reading her update to the thread before commenting - she apologises for the unintentional drip-feed here. Thanks, all.

Oh gosh. Yes, you did have a huge reaction to this. It’s something to be expected with most kids these days. In fact, when I was at school, if this was the case, most of the kids in my year would have been expelled. It’s as common as drinking alcohol now. Ketamine is also down on the same list. My brother found some in his high achieving son’s bedroom. It was a serious but quiet word to deal with it and a lot of education around it knackering his bladder. Seemed to do the trick. We hope.

Good luck with everything. As you say, you were trying to do the right thing. He must feel a lot of shame & sadness to miss out on school. I’m expecting my kids will try it at some point. Part of the culture they’re growing up in I guess.

You can’t turn back the clock so just learn from it and sort home schooling maybe. Take care.

And I think school have come down too hard on him. My friend is a head teacher at a private school. Her son got caught smoking weed and got a smack on the wrist. Such disparity.

Private schools are a different animal. Most state schools have a zero tolerance to drugs, and it’s set out very clearly in their handbooks. Zero means zero.

As soon as the op told the school,he was expelled. There was no other outcome. And the fact it went so far with multi agencies and police would make anyone think that there was more to it and the op was minimising, as it will be incredibly rare for anyone to take the steps the op did before even finding drugs never mind her escalation after.

i don’t think thr school will be even able to allow him back. And a Pru will be very difficult and disruptive for his education, as every class he attends his cohorts will only be pupils who cannot attend mainstream due to behavioural issues, mental illness etc, it won’t be easy for any of those children.

hopefully he will get into another mainstream school at his independent review, but even that disruption, at this age will be difficult.

Did you bother to read the updates before posting ? Her son was dealing and she found drugs in his room, divided up and ready for distribution. I think any responsible parent would have realised at that point that they had to act.

Several big updates you appear to have missed. Click on ‘see all’ and all will be revealed !!

Are you going to read the OP’s updates before you call her a bad parent ? Her son was dealing.

You’re missing the point - read the updates.

Wow. OP, what were you thinking? This was such an extreme overreaction! It’s weed, not heroin! That being said - you just need to pick up the pieces of his education and crack on now. And fast.

I can’t see how playing sport will help, sport clubs aren’t the panacea for every problem

What utter nonsense. I've never had an employer even ask to see my GCSE certificates let alone why I took them the year I did. If he takes GCSEs in 2025 at an FE college instead of a school in 2024 not a single employer will even notice. Hiring managers don't even get a DOB on a CV so won't know at all they weren't taken in school, only HR get that kind of personal info after an offer is made along with bank details and right to work in the UK evidence, and HR obviously aren't cross checking DOB with qualifications and scrutinising why people did exams when they did! What a ridiculous notion.

OP you've done absolutely the right thing for your son and the school have acted poorly. I know all the local PRUs are full but can you apply to every secondary locally? If a child has been excluded from their last school the new school have a right to refuse them a place however they don't have a duty to refuse or anything like that, you may find a sympathetic school who will take him on. It seems the appeals process for his previous school dragging out will take you beyond his exams which is what they're counting on I'm sure.

Lastly if you can't get him back into education ASAP you can also look into if any schools will let him sit exams with their cohort as an external candidate. But even if he can't sit exams this year an FE college will take him on with the kids doing resits next year. He's a bright boy and this will be a blip on his journey, nothing is forever ruined.

@dontpokethemommabear

I've read your replies and I think you are amazing and switched on O/P . I hope everything works out for you all .

We talk about actions having consequences all and unfortunately OP is meeting hers the rough way. If she doesn't want or need to be chided by half of MN, then keep it off the boards.

Getting him out, active, mixing with lots of different people so that he experiences more different perspectives and in some sort of activity where there's more of a mentor relationship with someone who be respects and will accept sensible conversations from is exactly what will help.

Yeah, she has just managed to get her son out of dealing without criminal record.
Think about possible consequences of her inactions.

My comment to the comment I was replying to has obviously gone right over your head. If I was replying to the OP, my response would be different.

I don't actually need to think about the consequences of her inactions. Because her family is not my concern. Sorry about that love.

I have read all your posts. Ultimately education isn't much good to you when your in prison or dead. It's hard but you had no choice.

Concentrate on why you think it was illegal. But if drugs is a no warning exclusion I think it's as simple as that. You need to get him somewhere. What ever is done is done. Could you ask if there's a pru out of County? Get the sw to say he's not risk to the other schools? I wish you all the best. It's very hard to understand unless the people who should helped shat on your child from height. All school want is rid of the problem.

I just read OP's posts with some care, just in case there was something which made my comment wrong or awful. Can't find it.

The she was extremely naive to get the school with zero tolerance policy on drugs involved. I'd have thought twice about Police and social services too. I feel bad for both her and the kid and wish the HT wasn't such an arse. Not much else I can do

Would you be ok with OP doing nothing if it was your child he was supplying with weed?

I can't help with education, but having experience with the county lines issues, I'd give the following practical advice. Hopefully one of the agencies involved have already provided it.

Check your son's room for small scales as well as small bags. I wouldn't just reset his phone, keep it to check messages to coming in. Get a new phone with a new number and get him to start a new Snapchat account. If you have, or can get, a gate for your property, do that. I would also put up security/ring type cameras, and be aware of any young men on e scooters on the road/area.

Anyone having a go at the OP or her DS, these are the people who deserve sympathy and support. If you want to place blame, it's the top of the chain. The wealthy blokes importing the drugs, with their expensive houses and their expensive cars and a gun in their glove box, it goes right down the chain, to wholesale sellers, to street dealers, to people like OP's DS who are probably given a "freebie" once they've bought a couple and asked if they want to make some money selling to their mates. If someone is suspecting of grassing, they'll be threatened or worse. How much knife crime involving young men do you read about in the news? (don't want to scare you OP, your son sounds like a really small fish in the grand scheme of things, you've done the right thing.) If his dealer gets in contact with him (and this is why you need to keep previous accounts), he just needs to say his school are on to him and doesn't want to risk it. He can say he's worried he will get caught and that the police will confiscate his phone so he's stopping for a bit. Hopefully they'll just back away and he can just fall off the radar.

I wish you luck and any parent judging OP, point your fingers at the right people, who are targeting and exploiting vulnerable young DC. It's not just young men that they target to get them to deal, they may be involved in trafficking, and if your vulnerable DD got involved and exploited on that side, I'm sure she'd get more sympathy here than this DS.

People kicking the OP and her DS, educate yourself on reality. Point your fingers up, not down for fucks sake.

@EarthlyNightshade Selling small amounts of weed is not the issue. But this is not privately grown weed. It is involvement in drug gangs that is the issue. These things can escalate quickly.

It's not a binary between doing nothing and calling the police, social services, and telling his school though.

Those were not the only two options. Personally, I'd have disposed of the drugs, covered any dodgy debts, and then moved schools or even moved area entirely.

Wild horses couldn't persuade me to try and get my DS convicted for dealing a relatively minor amount of a relatively harmless drug. What on earth good could that ever do? The police are not babysitters.

Imagine taking your own son down like this.

Yes, but doing the right thing was more important.

That's not true. People commented based on what was told in Op. I just read drip feed and it changed my view of the situation completely.

Sorry OP just saw your updates, so ignore my previous posts. Yes, it is very tough for you. Hope you get some help. Is it possible to move away from the area and do a fresh start. Meanwhile, can you get a private family , child therapist with focus on trauma. Does he like sports?

You are right that would have better approach but sometimes it is hard to know the best approach in the moment.
What is done is done. What should Op do now? I think a new area, trauma therapy and getting him in some good hobbies like sports or painting may help massively. It is not all over for OP and her son.