to think doing the "right" thing has bitten us firmly on the bum

[dontpokethemommabear]

Earlier in the year I became concerned that my DS 14 was getting involved in drugs. I searched his room, talked to him at length, talked to the school, made referrals for local support services and engaged with our multi-agency referral unit to set up as much help as possible. DS maintained he wasn’t doing anything wrong and the other adults/ professionals believed him but after a week of raising concerns and talking regularly with school pastoral team, I found some cannabis in his room.

I contacted the various agencies I’d already made contact with, told them the situation had escalated and asked for help. I told school and I took the drugs to the Police Station. I self-referred to Social Services and asked for help there too.
All of which I truly believed to be the right thing to do. The full stop that he needed and a strong message to whoever was supplying the weed that this boy has a parent that won’t turn a blind eye and brush this under the carpet.
Three days later, he was suspended from school and the following week, permanently excluded.

The Headteacher sited the school policy that considers anything to do with drugs to be a reason for permanent exclusion on a first offence and that was that.

I’ve already been to the Governors appeal and they upheld the HT’s decision. Reason again being that the policy states this a circumstance where the HT can choose to permanently exclude a child.

I’m now awaiting the opportunity to appeal to the Independent Board at the local authority.

The police aren’t charging him. He had no drugs on him in school.

He’s got a pending ADHD diagnosis and has experienced 4 of the 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences so has measurable childhood trauma.
At school he had a great record, is predicted 6-7’s at GCSE and was well liked by all his teachers.

The whole experience is so incredibly far from what I thought would happen.

Our social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with.

My son has been groomed to do this and despite all the extenuating circumstances the school have simply washed their hands of him.
As it stands now, he has been out of education for over 7 weeks and there is nowhere else for him to go. None of the Pupil Referral units have any space because the number of children being excluded has skyrocketed and the Local Authority don’t have capacity to despite their legal responsibility to provide education.

I’ve waited weeks before posting here as I really hoped I’d be able to sort it out but it’s like banging my head on a wall.

Does anyone have any experience of the independent review stage or advice that could help me source any kind of education provision for him.

Edited by MNHQ: OP has asked if readers wouldn't mind reading her update to the thread before commenting - she apologises for the unintentional drip-feed here. Thanks, all.

I have read your posts OP, but stopped reading the responses as I think the vitriol you were getting was totally undeserved.

You did absolutely everything right and I only wish all parents had the same boundaries as you, causing their children to experience consequences at an age when they will actually learn the lessons. So many posts on this forum from parents enabling/facilitating terrible outcomes and then wondering where it all went wrong.

I am sorry the school have failed you; I don't have any experience or anything useful to add but I wish you and your DS all the very best going forward. It's a hard road but your strength and example are admirable.

Give your ds a fresh start in a new school. I wouldn’t fight to get him back in the old school - too much water under the bridge he’ll never shake the reputation. Good luck op.

Would you really stand by if you thought your DC was dealing weed?
I am amazed by some of the posts on this thread.

OP I absolutely think you did the right thing, and have potentially saved your son from all sorts of awful fates.
I think the school have acted awfully and we certainly as a school would not have Pexd a lad in your son’s situation especially given his history. I go hope you win your appeal

@PeachCastle if you want to use that analogy, the kid already had the hand grenade in his hand. OP simply threw it and hope for the best.

Or do you think a 13 yo being groomed and victim of CCE should be kept quiet and swept under the carpet?

I also think you did the right thing. I think some giving you a hard time haven’t perhaps read all your posts. It does read like you overreacted from the first post but reading further I do think you did the right thing and wish you luck .

The irony is, if OP was posting 3 years on, saying his kid was an addict, deep into a gang , seriously hurt or dying etc. every Tom , Dick and Harry would be shouting at her for neglect and why didn't she tell the school,the police, SS etc. and she should do so RIGHT NOW and stop mollycoddling and failing her child.

I've seen it time and time again on here.

OP, I don't have any advice on the education part - other than believing that non-traditional education can work out well as I didn't attend school for year 11 due to undiagnosed ADHD burnout but did well in my GCSEs by self study, a few good textbooks and past papers! But in your son's case, permanent exclusion doesn't seem like the right outcome and, all things considered, it feels like the school has let him down.

But having personally seen the worst outcome of kids getting manipulated into dealing - being involved in a prosecution where county lines were involved and one of the several charges was murder, with both perpetrator and victims being well under 18, I can assure you that addressing your son's situation head on and as comprehensively as you have was the right thing.

You really are a true momma bear and I'm sure your son can see how much love you're pouring into helping him. Sending a lot of love to your family.

Thank you.

My own DS's school experience was a nightmare and there was drug use and other stuff. Drove me insane. He has no qualifications to speak of but has worked fairly consistently for the last couple of years. Fairly mundane jobs, but his employers have commented on his work ethic and willingness to learn and be a helpful employee. Scientists, doctors and accountants are needed, of course they are, but so are dustmen, shop workers and taxi drivers. It takes all sorts to make a society.

I used to be really concerned about his lack of basic qualifications, and I would like to think he gets them at some point, but the thing that will really open his horizons will be getting his driving licence.

As far as I understand, other mainstream schools have no obligation to take him if I apply personally.

The process is that he needs to go to a PRU that will then liaise with the school and reassure them that he is ready to go back into that environment. Then they have to accept him if they have a place.

That's what I've been told by the LA.

I think the appeal will be focused on asking for him to be reinstated to do a managed move which the school could have offered in the first place but they chose to leapfrog the other options and go straight to PX.

👏

Op, what does he feel should happen next?
Does he want to get some GCSEs?
Go to college etc.
It's hard to see round the corner when you're 13/14/15 but maybe he has some idea?

@dontpokethemommabear If you think the school did not follow the correct process then definitely go to IRP. If there are specific questions you have about IRP or process you are welcome to PM me. I would also urge you to contact the orgs I mentioned in previous post such as school exclusion project or child law advice. They can help you with your case at IRP.

I have known charities such as the children’s society support families with PX and IRPs too, particularly when county lines, drugs, grooming all involved.

You’re doing great in extremely difficult circumstances. I hope you are able to get some help. You’re welcome to PM me with any questions to do with exclusion or IRP process.

Yes , ideally, if they couldn't be arsed to deal with it, they should've at least offered the option of a managed move. The appeal is definitely worth it if it could possibly go that way.

Even if other schools don't have to take him, don't shy away from contacting them anyways. Are any of the secondaries near you THRIVE practitioners? Or have an SEN unit / excellent pastoral care?

What are SS suggesting? They must agree that him being out of education is a massive concern.

Private school
Home school
Private tutor
Online tutor/ online lessons

Most effective - move. He will always be around these people otherwise and in a situation where he is vulnerable due to feeling friendless and isolated. I would move

@Createausername1970 that's why I said "might've ". I don't think it's the end either , and in fact changing schools, new environment etc. (once it all gets sorted) it could be the best thing that happens to him, especially as he's miserable and unsupported at his current school anyway.

@hatgirl oh. I missed that bit! Too indignant over OP not getting the help she should. I suppose I have very strong views on tailored plans for individuals which I also know is unrealistic considering the ways services are set up. I’ve had too much experience with the failings of certain services to be able to see the positives, and I say this almost losing a DC after doing everything in my power to advocate.

@Freakinfraser you too stop that. OP is trying to protect her son fgs

@Freakinfraser imagine not doing any of it and attending his funeral in 5 years.

The LA is right to a point. But, if you can find a school that has space they should theoretically admit him. They might refuse even if the year group is not full (I.e not at PAN as PAN doesn’t apply outside of normal admission rounds), on the grounds of ‘prejudice to efficient use of resources’ or similar wording, I can’t remember exactly what. You can appeal their refusal to admit.

I would really hope any university would accept a student who had to take a year off education as a crime victim, but managed to get back on the path.

That sounds so hard. You sound like a brilliant mum. I really hope he and you can get the help and support you need. x

I can see why you did that, you wanted to scare the shit out of him not get him excluded. It’s a hard one, I would’ve done the same as you & would have thought the school would be more supportive ffs

Wow this is your response to an already vulnerable mother trying to keep her son alive?

Having witnessed a case of drugs being involved with a minor (relative), reported drug use by both the child and the child's parents, the result was definitely not immediate permanent exclusion from school, nor are any agencies taking any concerns that seriously tbh.

This isn't a good thing, but I'm just posting another experience to illustrate that it's definitely not some kind of foregone conclusion that reporting a child's drug use will result in some life ruining cascade of interventions, and I can see why a parent would want to involve professional support early on. Watching a child go through substance misuse is really distressing, even if the reality is lots of us do experiment at young ages and take no further interest.

It upsets me to read the comments here. I can only imagine the pain you've been through and how your actions were essentially driven by fear.

I guess what is done is done. You've shown your lack of tolerance when you have been abused and had the consequences of addictions in your family. And now he is feeling them. Where the line is for an individual parent doesn't matter if they're 15 months or years. You can only parent from your own experience. And it doesn't always go well. And fuck anyone here who points the finger of judgement.

Maybe just maybe this has happened to nuke his school place and the shitty circs around it to give you a new and fresh start and something that you've not thought about. You can be 100% honest and you should be - that you expected his school to support and validate your honesty with action. But ultimately that is out of your control. What is in your control now is how you move forward and conversations about your triggers and his. Both are valid and both come from fear.

I don't know what to advise but I think you keeping loving him and being communicative and let him know that the world is full of boundaries and that now we have to navigate through them. Hopefully some of this will have a positive outcome but a storm right now. You're driving the ship. Forget his school and move on.