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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think doing the "right" thing has bitten us firmly on the bum

398 replies

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 14:07

Earlier in the year I became concerned that my DS 14 was getting involved in drugs. I searched his room, talked to him at length, talked to the school, made referrals for local support services and engaged with our multi-agency referral unit to set up as much help as possible. DS maintained he wasn’t doing anything wrong and the other adults/ professionals believed him but after a week of raising concerns and talking regularly with school pastoral team, I found some cannabis in his room.

I contacted the various agencies I’d already made contact with, told them the situation had escalated and asked for help. I told school and I took the drugs to the Police Station. I self-referred to Social Services and asked for help there too.
All of which I truly believed to be the right thing to do. The full stop that he needed and a strong message to whoever was supplying the weed that this boy has a parent that won’t turn a blind eye and brush this under the carpet.
Three days later, he was suspended from school and the following week, permanently excluded.

The Headteacher sited the school policy that considers anything to do with drugs to be a reason for permanent exclusion on a first offence and that was that.

I’ve already been to the Governors appeal and they upheld the HT’s decision. Reason again being that the policy states this a circumstance where the HT can choose to permanently exclude a child.

I’m now awaiting the opportunity to appeal to the Independent Board at the local authority.

The police aren’t charging him. He had no drugs on him in school.

He’s got a pending ADHD diagnosis and has experienced 4 of the 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences so has measurable childhood trauma.
At school he had a great record, is predicted 6-7’s at GCSE and was well liked by all his teachers.

The whole experience is so incredibly far from what I thought would happen.

Our social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with.

My son has been groomed to do this and despite all the extenuating circumstances the school have simply washed their hands of him.
As it stands now, he has been out of education for over 7 weeks and there is nowhere else for him to go. None of the Pupil Referral units have any space because the number of children being excluded has skyrocketed and the Local Authority don’t have capacity to despite their legal responsibility to provide education.

I’ve waited weeks before posting here as I really hoped I’d be able to sort it out but it’s like banging my head on a wall.

Does anyone have any experience of the independent review stage or advice that could help me source any kind of education provision for him.

Edited by MNHQ: OP has asked if readers wouldn't mind reading her update to the thread before commenting - she apologises for the unintentional drip-feed here. Thanks, all.

OP posts:
Onceuponatimeiwasahoe · 19/03/2024 22:22

Not surprised the head teacher did this, your son is just a number. My friend child was beaten up by two girls on camera but she got excluded for the fight because she argued with one of them in class.

Hope you get it sorted and not your fault you just wanted to do what you thought was right

Maybe home schooling for now, private tutor?

Whattodowithit88 · 19/03/2024 22:26

You got your own son excluded from school. Think you should take a look at your parenting. Yes his wrong for cannabis but it shouldn’t have cost him a place at school. Are you going to face what you did wrong here? Or is it all on your son?

ButterflyKu · 19/03/2024 22:32

PaperDoIIs · 19/03/2024 21:39

Full blown heroin addict.... maybe.

Hopefully you don't have kids, or dogs.. or even a pet rock.

A pet rock😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I haven’t heard that one before but I love it

NeverNameChange · 19/03/2024 22:35

My DH spent a spell in a PRU and went on to become a teacher, all is not lost! He's very lucky to have a mum who will fight for him

YouDidntEvenAskIfSheWasThereMoriarty · 19/03/2024 22:35

Dogdilemma2000 · 19/03/2024 22:20

But you have no way of knowing whether that intervention was what made the difference in their lives and stopped them self destructing. Your friends are alive in their 50’s, I assume no longer on drugs? If it wasn’t drugs they were shopped for then it’s an inaccurate comparison.

Hard drug use has an incredibly high mortality rate, dealing as young teen is a sure fire route to hard drugs. It’s not comparable to smoking a bit of weed.

I'm absolutely certain that it did nothing positive for them whatsoever. It was an entirely negative and harmful experience.

Again, I'm well aware that people won't want to hear this but I'd be lying if I said I had heard a single one of them say that they were glad that their parents tried to or got them a criminal conviction and that it then led to positive changes in their life.

Whether people want to take that information on board meaningfully or not is up to them personally.

TriciaA1991 · 19/03/2024 22:46

Not sure what to advise but just wanted to say hang on in there - you are doing a good job, and you are the only one who can make the right decisions for your sons. You know them best, and all the circumstances. Sending hugs and love. Take care of yourself too. x x x

Naptimeagain · 19/03/2024 22:53

I know you said moving could be difficult for your younger son, as he's anxious, but perhaps a move to a new school/area could be positive for him too. He's going to be anxious going to the school his brother was expelled from, maybe an entirely new area, or alternative area wouldn't be so bad.

Your older son has had significant bullying by exclusion by his peers, so a different school could be very positive for him, give him a chance to make new friends.

Theoldwrinkley · 19/03/2024 22:55

I'm an old lady now, and have no helpful advice to offer. But you write with such feeling and are really in the slough of despondency, as I would have been. But, contrary to all the name calling and vilification which seems to have been directed towards you, I think you did the right thing at the time. Hindsight is a very useful tool for those who comment on a situation, but one has to deal with the situation that is presented at the time.
Having a supportive and loving parent is the most valuable asset in life, and you sure as hell are supportive. Drugs (including alcohol and tobacco) are such an evil menace in society. As I said, no solution but my support to you in your actions, and I pray that some help is forthcoming.

camelliarose · 19/03/2024 23:05

penjil · 19/03/2024 21:30

You went in full-throttle hard and fast, self-referring to police, the school, social services, agencies, god knows what else....all for a bit of weed?!

If he was a long term heroin addict, well, maybe then I could understand it.

But you've been ridiculously OTT and probably ruined his life.

You haven’t read all of the OPs posts

theprettywreckless · 19/03/2024 23:13

He was experimenting with weed like a lot of teenagers do and you’ve essentially ruined his life as it stands. He wasn’t shooting up heroin.

Dogdilemma2000 · 19/03/2024 23:27

theprettywreckless · 19/03/2024 23:13

He was experimenting with weed like a lot of teenagers do and you’ve essentially ruined his life as it stands. He wasn’t shooting up heroin.

He was dealing.

Theunamedcat · 19/03/2024 23:30

Whattodowithit88 · 19/03/2024 22:26

You got your own son excluded from school. Think you should take a look at your parenting. Yes his wrong for cannabis but it shouldn’t have cost him a place at school. Are you going to face what you did wrong here? Or is it all on your son?

She asked for help with her son who was dealing drugs should she have ignored it? And no she didn't get her son excluded the school overreacted they should have been more supportive

Angrywife · 19/03/2024 23:32

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 20:34

As far as I understand, other mainstream schools have no obligation to take him if I apply personally.

The process is that he needs to go to a PRU that will then liaise with the school and reassure them that he is ready to go back into that environment. Then they have to accept him if they have a place.

That's what I've been told by the LA.

I think the appeal will be focused on asking for him to be reinstated to do a managed move which the school could have offered in the first place but they chose to leapfrog the other options and go straight to PX.

OP you can apply for any school without going through the PX process, and if a school has a place in his year group, you are legally entitled to that place.
Local protocol doesn't trump the admissions code so please read up and fight for him to be back in school.
Good luck, you've done a stirling job so far!! X

shiningstar2 · 19/03/2024 23:33

My heart goes out to you op. As someone said up thread ...hindsight is a great thing. Perhaps you would do things differently now. Not many parents can honestly say they wouldn't do some things differently if they had a second chance at some things.i certainly would ...and so would my DD with her teens. She's a very good mother, just as you seem to be, but noone can foresee the outcome of every decision they make. It is cruel and unnecessary to say op has ruined her child's life. She hasn't. He made the mistakes and she has done what she thought wàs best to help him. Hang on in there op. I hope your son will be ok. Wish I had some infallible advice to give you, but sadly I haven't. 💐

Angrywife · 19/03/2024 23:33

theprettywreckless · 19/03/2024 23:13

He was experimenting with weed like a lot of teenagers do and you’ve essentially ruined his life as it stands. He wasn’t shooting up heroin.

Read the ops posts properly 🙄

Angrywife · 19/03/2024 23:36

Whattodowithit88 · 19/03/2024 22:26

You got your own son excluded from school. Think you should take a look at your parenting. Yes his wrong for cannabis but it shouldn’t have cost him a place at school. Are you going to face what you did wrong here? Or is it all on your son?

The OP has been a fantastic protective factor for her son. She did everything right and is winning the fight for him.
The school on the other hand have massively let him down.
The OP doesn't have to face anything, you're totally wrong in your assessment of the situation

Springingintolife · 19/03/2024 23:37

Honestly OP, I mean this kindly, but for your son's sake I don't think your actions have backfired at all. I wouldn't be fighting to get my son back into that school, it sounds like your child needs to be as far away from that school as possible. Do you really think the school, with it's thousand plus pupils to deal with, has the capacity to keep your son away from these pupils at all times and force the kids in his year (with the same teenage brain that you know full well is so hard to manage), to suddenly like him? Even if he does stay away from the drugs, he will have a reputation there now and will probably end up suffering from loneliness and regret, mixed with a bit of fear from these gang kids. There's going to be weed and drugs everywhere too, if he does find some friends he can mingle with after school and at weekends. Are there any colleges in your area which accept students from age 14? They do something like that in my area. It's usually a practical course but possible he can do his GCSEs alongside it.

TheNeverEndingTale · 19/03/2024 23:55

I have nothing to add regarding your DS’s experiences other than you sound like an amazing Mum.

I would like to offer some reassurance though. I went to a PRU from years 9-11 due to mental health issues. I gained 5 GCSE’s as this was all that was on offer. I went on to sixth form, university and gained an MA. It didn’t hold me back one bit. My spell in PRU has never been questioned by university or any employer. It was questioned by college but only because they wanted to know how to support me. I’m mid 20’s now so this wasn’t too long ago.

If PRU is where he ends up then it isn’t the end of the world. I’d go as far to say it saved my life as I just couldn’t cope in a mainstream environment.

MikeRafone · 20/03/2024 00:00

Online schooling sounds good. Does your son want to return to the same school? How would you feel if he was home schooled online until 16?

Keepingittogetherstepbystep · 20/03/2024 00:18

It's tough that your son has been drawn/groomed into the drugs world.

We've watched as many young people have been drawn into running for dealers, they get younger and younger, that last cohert we witnessed were around 11. It's horrible to see but difficult to do anything about, we did try have been called paranoid and allsorts. There's a huge crackdown on County lines now and surprise surprise loads of people we'd been told we were paranoid about are now residing at his majesties pleasure.

One thing I can tell you I know a kid who was expelled for similar reasons at the same age as your son, kid got a place at another school and now some 20 years later in running his own business with 500k+ a year turnover.

Hope you and your son the very best in navigating through this difficult time.

Rosindub · 20/03/2024 01:47

Catsfrontbum · 19/03/2024 14:26

It isn’t clear that your child has been exploited and if it was clear then this is your golden ticket.

you need an advocate for him. Have you reached out to any voluntary services?

I suspect the exploitation thing is wishful thinking on OPs part.

TwinklyMintOPmaas · 20/03/2024 02:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Lei123 · 20/03/2024 02:35

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tamade · 20/03/2024 03:20

In what way, on what planet is throwing your own kid to the wolves over a small amount of cannabis the right thing??

Why couldn't you just flush it, give him an almighty bollocking and leave it at that?

Anyway, I hope you can get him back into school one way or another, good luck and lesson learned. One other thing; if he does get back in, depending on the schools attitude they might be determined to hold him to a higher standard than other pupils in future. just bear it in mind

Breezy1985 · 20/03/2024 04:30

tamade · 20/03/2024 03:20

In what way, on what planet is throwing your own kid to the wolves over a small amount of cannabis the right thing??

Why couldn't you just flush it, give him an almighty bollocking and leave it at that?

Anyway, I hope you can get him back into school one way or another, good luck and lesson learned. One other thing; if he does get back in, depending on the schools attitude they might be determined to hold him to a higher standard than other pupils in future. just bear it in mind

Maybe read all of the Ops posts before jumping straight in with awful comments. Did it make you feel better?

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