to think doing the "right" thing has bitten us firmly on the bum

[dontpokethemommabear]

Earlier in the year I became concerned that my DS 14 was getting involved in drugs. I searched his room, talked to him at length, talked to the school, made referrals for local support services and engaged with our multi-agency referral unit to set up as much help as possible. DS maintained he wasn’t doing anything wrong and the other adults/ professionals believed him but after a week of raising concerns and talking regularly with school pastoral team, I found some cannabis in his room.

I contacted the various agencies I’d already made contact with, told them the situation had escalated and asked for help. I told school and I took the drugs to the Police Station. I self-referred to Social Services and asked for help there too.
All of which I truly believed to be the right thing to do. The full stop that he needed and a strong message to whoever was supplying the weed that this boy has a parent that won’t turn a blind eye and brush this under the carpet.
Three days later, he was suspended from school and the following week, permanently excluded.

The Headteacher sited the school policy that considers anything to do with drugs to be a reason for permanent exclusion on a first offence and that was that.

I’ve already been to the Governors appeal and they upheld the HT’s decision. Reason again being that the policy states this a circumstance where the HT can choose to permanently exclude a child.

I’m now awaiting the opportunity to appeal to the Independent Board at the local authority.

The police aren’t charging him. He had no drugs on him in school.

He’s got a pending ADHD diagnosis and has experienced 4 of the 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences so has measurable childhood trauma.
At school he had a great record, is predicted 6-7’s at GCSE and was well liked by all his teachers.

The whole experience is so incredibly far from what I thought would happen.

Our social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with.

My son has been groomed to do this and despite all the extenuating circumstances the school have simply washed their hands of him.
As it stands now, he has been out of education for over 7 weeks and there is nowhere else for him to go. None of the Pupil Referral units have any space because the number of children being excluded has skyrocketed and the Local Authority don’t have capacity to despite their legal responsibility to provide education.

I’ve waited weeks before posting here as I really hoped I’d be able to sort it out but it’s like banging my head on a wall.

Does anyone have any experience of the independent review stage or advice that could help me source any kind of education provision for him.

Edited by MNHQ: OP has asked if readers wouldn't mind reading her update to the thread before commenting - she apologises for the unintentional drip-feed here. Thanks, all.

Just wanted to send you good wishes op. I completely understand the logic of what you did. I don't really see that you could have turned a blind eye, or not told school, given that he was previously encouraged into dealing vapes by somebody at school. You weren't to know if other school kids were involved and that would have needed resolving. I'm just so sorry you now can't get the help you need quickly enough. The LA do have responsibility to find him a place, so I would keep pushing on that. In the meantime, and to try to rediscover some joy in life, I hope you and your sons can find hobbies or activities to do together to keep you happy as a family. Schooling can be caught up, but finding a way to glue you all back together as a little family team seems important right now. And maybe will allow your sons to find other things to be good at and enjoy.

No advice. Just support and sorry you had to go through all of that.

@PropertyManager except the school do have a duty of care and should support vulnerable pupils, which OP's son is from multiple points of view.

Would you say the same if he was being radicalised or groomed for sex instead?

The school is in the wrong here, NOT OP.

I agree!!
What help is there if the school won't even support.

Edited by MNHQ: OP has asked if readers wouldn't mind reading her update to the thread before commenting - she apologises for the unintentional drip-feed here. Thanks, all.

I'm glad to see MNHQ finally posting a message like this on a thread.

And I agree with pp that OP's son is a victim here and needs to kept OUT of the criminal justice system, not propelled toward it.

Everyone saying overreaction... honestly, who do you think you are? The police agrees it's CCE , SS have had a high level of involvement. All the professionals agree he was being groomed AND the kid admitted he was dealing.

A kid with SEN , with past trauma/ACEs, a kid that was bullied and isolated at school, a kid that was groomed before .

Get over yourselves, with your cool parent attitude. Yes, OP's son might've fucked up his education, but if she hadn't intervened he could be dead in a few years. Fucking priorities!

OP I hear you.

This is what happens when you try and engage with state services, they will automatically default to the by the book approach without actually understanding the issue. There are many reasons for this and underfunding is being overly generous by way of explanation for the across the board failings which happen more often that not. Should have some commas in there but I get agitated when I think of what the OP is dealing with and forget to breathe in real life too.

I think you have been extremely naive but well intentioned in trusting anything other than what’s happened to be the outcome. They are following the rules, even if they are illogical, regressive and designed to hinder rather than help.

I say this by expecting similar support, instead ended up having to fact correct reports and explain that stupidity whilst a reason for incompetent, isn’t an excuse. Suffice to say I’ve learned that child mental health, isn’t on anyone’s agenda and it’s easier to ignore the issues instead of putting in the work and managing matters according to actual policy. There were no drugs involved, so no stick to beat me with, just some truth twisting and fobbing off.

….and breathe out.

Oh, I missed a drip feed, hold the above whilst I back track!

Good idea

I’m sorry to add this but as I work in education I just need to tell you that this will be on his record. Any references requested from the school will legally have to include the drug use. Why would you do this? I think you were trying to scare him but anything to do with schools should be handled very carefully. I know you don’t want to hear this but schools on the whole are not supportive and they will be thinking of the easiest option which in this case is get rid of him rather than spending time and resources trying to help him. Not all schools mind you, you might have been lucky and found a good school but it seems like he’s in a normal overstretched school.

Agree with everything, apart from the bit about fucking up his education 🙂

I don't think she has. You can take exams at any age and go to uni at any age. Lots of students take gap years before continuing on with the next level of education anyway. If he wants to get there, he will.

Reread it all and stand by what I said. Your son has been failed by the services supposed to be supporting him as well as you.

Damned if you do damned if you don’t.

Thinking of you OP and you can’t only do what you’re doing, you’re fighting an uphill battle with child development support, especially of this complexity.

Have you considered a mentorship programme, maybe I missed this somewhere in the thread.

@Createausername1970 but potential employers and universities will ask why he left at a crucial point in his education. He will have to tell the truth. Would you employ someone who said he was taking drugs and was thrown out of school?

From your updates OP it genuinely sounds like you’ve saved him from much worse outcomes.

You gave him a way out of it all.

I can’t comprehend how hard this must be for you. Your DS is very lucky to have a mum like you.

@CENqqq stop that. It’s really not helpful and not the OPs immediate focus, she has enough to worry about.

Agree x

Child Exploitation (involvement in county lines) is a child protection issue and local authorities and the police are pretty hot on it at the moment with very clear pathways and multi agency processes.

The OP has absolutely done the right thing, the exclusion is a massive spanner in the works but you can understand the stance the school has taken.

Keep going OP. The last thing you want is for him to hit 18 and still be involved in dealing because he then stops being a child in need of protection and instantly becomes a criminal adult.

Sorry OP I really didn’t mean to make you feel worse. I haven’t read all your updates. Going forward what are the options? Have you looked into private schooling?

There’s no need for posts like this, OP and her family are in the situation they are in.

Many universities have good access type arrangements for bright vulnerable children.

Once he has further education qualifications (if he wants to get them) his high school years are unlikely to be brought up anyway.

Also I might employ someone who could acknowledge that they made mistakes when they were a teenager but has since worked hard to turn their life around.

Sounds like a county lines situation! Have you re-contaced the police/social services? They will need to know if it is.

Hope you get home sorted OP! Is moving somewhere else an option?

Employers, in my own personal experience, won't be interested in school education. It will probably never come up. Home schooling is quite common for lots of reasons and the lad has hopefully avoided a criminal record, so by the time he gets to 19/20 it will be no more than a blip.

I would if they were back on track especially at such a young age. I don’t think an employer is going to care about breaks in your secondary school education if you get back on track and get a degree etc.

I don't think it's fair to say he has been failed by services, it sounds like between social services and the police he has been put on the local authority's child exploitation pathway and there will be regular multi agency meetings and services offered to try and divert him from county lines activity.

The response from school though is disappointing- the post from @Takoneko a few posts above this highlights what should have happened but equally the school obviously feel he has used up all his chances. It may be a blessing in disguise though and the change that is required although it feels awful and hopeless right now.

The social worker will be keen to get him back into education so try and get them to be the squeaky wheel for you to the LA.

Agreed.

OP had launched a hand grenade at her son.

Awful, massive over reaction.

Poor lad.

This