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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think doing the "right" thing has bitten us firmly on the bum

398 replies

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 14:07

Earlier in the year I became concerned that my DS 14 was getting involved in drugs. I searched his room, talked to him at length, talked to the school, made referrals for local support services and engaged with our multi-agency referral unit to set up as much help as possible. DS maintained he wasn’t doing anything wrong and the other adults/ professionals believed him but after a week of raising concerns and talking regularly with school pastoral team, I found some cannabis in his room.

I contacted the various agencies I’d already made contact with, told them the situation had escalated and asked for help. I told school and I took the drugs to the Police Station. I self-referred to Social Services and asked for help there too.
All of which I truly believed to be the right thing to do. The full stop that he needed and a strong message to whoever was supplying the weed that this boy has a parent that won’t turn a blind eye and brush this under the carpet.
Three days later, he was suspended from school and the following week, permanently excluded.

The Headteacher sited the school policy that considers anything to do with drugs to be a reason for permanent exclusion on a first offence and that was that.

I’ve already been to the Governors appeal and they upheld the HT’s decision. Reason again being that the policy states this a circumstance where the HT can choose to permanently exclude a child.

I’m now awaiting the opportunity to appeal to the Independent Board at the local authority.

The police aren’t charging him. He had no drugs on him in school.

He’s got a pending ADHD diagnosis and has experienced 4 of the 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences so has measurable childhood trauma.
At school he had a great record, is predicted 6-7’s at GCSE and was well liked by all his teachers.

The whole experience is so incredibly far from what I thought would happen.

Our social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with.

My son has been groomed to do this and despite all the extenuating circumstances the school have simply washed their hands of him.
As it stands now, he has been out of education for over 7 weeks and there is nowhere else for him to go. None of the Pupil Referral units have any space because the number of children being excluded has skyrocketed and the Local Authority don’t have capacity to despite their legal responsibility to provide education.

I’ve waited weeks before posting here as I really hoped I’d be able to sort it out but it’s like banging my head on a wall.

Does anyone have any experience of the independent review stage or advice that could help me source any kind of education provision for him.

Edited by MNHQ: OP has asked if readers wouldn't mind reading her update to the thread before commenting - she apologises for the unintentional drip-feed here. Thanks, all.

OP posts:
3WildOnes · 19/03/2024 14:41

What a mess!
Firstly, I wouldn't send him to a PRU. I think he would be even more vulnerable to being groomed.
I would sit him down and apologise, explain that you were worried and believed you were doing the right thing but with hindsight can see that you didn't.
Can you afford private education? Can you afford one of the online schools? Can you afford to give up work and home educate him until you find a suitable school placement?
Can you afford family therapy? If not I would look at any local charities that provide free family therapy.
I wouldn't dwell on past mistakes, focus your energies on what you can do now!

OkPedro · 19/03/2024 14:41

There has to be a drip feed coming.. I can't believe any parent would react like this over a small amount of cannabis.
Have you caught him before? Was he selling it to other classmates?

OriginalUsername2 · 19/03/2024 14:41

I think everyone is being too harsh to the OP. The boy is 14, we all know about county lines and young, neurodivergent boys wanting to fit in are prime targets.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 19/03/2024 14:42

Your reaction was way OTT. Weed's legal in a lot of countries, it's not worse than alcohol - could be argued better. You've really shot yourself in the foot here. I'm confused why you're talking about grooming and exploitation when it sounds like he had a small amount for his use?

OkPedro · 19/03/2024 14:42

OriginalUsername2 · 19/03/2024 14:41

I think everyone is being too harsh to the OP. The boy is 14, we all know about county lines and young, neurodivergent boys wanting to fit in are prime targets.

Of course but SS, his school AND the police??

Saschka · 19/03/2024 14:43

OriginalUsername2 · 19/03/2024 14:41

I think everyone is being too harsh to the OP. The boy is 14, we all know about county lines and young, neurodivergent boys wanting to fit in are prime targets.

Yes they are, but getting him excluded, in a PRU, with a criminal record, is obviously not the best way to divert him from that path…

Axx · 19/03/2024 14:43

OriginalUsername2 · 19/03/2024 14:41

I think everyone is being too harsh to the OP. The boy is 14, we all know about county lines and young, neurodivergent boys wanting to fit in are prime targets.

Unless there's a massive drip feed coming u think it's deserved

CoffeeWithBrownSugarIsBetter · 19/03/2024 14:43

This reply has been deleted

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vodkaredbullgirl · 19/03/2024 14:44

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GreatGateauxsby · 19/03/2024 14:44

Jesus… as someone who was a teenager myself once you totally overreacted.

ywbvu

You went nuclear and this is the fallout….

your poor son…

PeppermintPorpoise · 19/03/2024 14:46

You didnt do the "right" thing. You totally overreacted. I say that as a therapist who has worked with many troubled teens and is experienced in crisis intervention too. Why do you think he was groomed to do this? 14 year olds experiment with weed. It happens and doesnt need to be dealt with like this. Your poor son. I hope you realize the enormity of what you've done here.

WarshipRocinante · 19/03/2024 14:46

You found your teen with some weed and you did all that? Wow. Poor kid.

I mean, if there were a bunch of other issues then sure… but a little bit of weed? Hmmm. Wrong move.

Are there any private schools around? Have you started following a home schooling curriculum?

AnaMaeve · 19/03/2024 14:47

Write to the Director for Children’s Services in your LA, but also write to your local councillor and the council member responsible for children/schools. (‘we’ are made to jump when a councillor is involved).

Legally the LA has to educate him ( day 6). The LA must make this happen.

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/education-for-children-out-of-school/

Education for children out of school - childlawadvice.org.uk

This page provides information on the duties of schools and Local Authorities to provide education for children out of school because of exclusion, illness or other reasons.

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/education-for-children-out-of-school/

VickyEadieofThigh · 19/03/2024 14:47

I'm not following how this is CCE - a tiny amount of cannabis for personal use doesn't indicate County Lines or anything similar.

Can you give us more detail as to why it was suggested that it might be CCE, OP?

CantDealwithChristmas · 19/03/2024 14:47

Yeah there's something weird going on here cos OP sdays the police believe it's CCE but at the same time that they're not charging

If they believed the son was part of a ring they'd be threatening him with charges until he gave up names

sus

JustEagle · 19/03/2024 14:47

Have you applied to other schools in the normal manner? There is nothing stopping you from doing so

DumpedByText · 19/03/2024 14:47

Have you actually taken a step back and thought about what you've done. This is a huge overreaction, instead of believing the professionals you've pushed and pushed and ended up in this position.

I really feel for your son as whilst I don't condone drug taking, it's common for teenagers to experiment.

Not sure how you can claw this back to be honest!

WarshipRocinante · 19/03/2024 14:47

OriginalUsername2 · 19/03/2024 14:41

I think everyone is being too harsh to the OP. The boy is 14, we all know about county lines and young, neurodivergent boys wanting to fit in are prime targets.

She found a bit of weed. It isn’t county lines.

BIossomtoes · 19/03/2024 14:50

Wow. Unbelievable.

HighLlamas · 19/03/2024 14:50

VickyEadieofThigh · 19/03/2024 14:47

I'm not following how this is CCE - a tiny amount of cannabis for personal use doesn't indicate County Lines or anything similar.

Can you give us more detail as to why it was suggested that it might be CCE, OP?

Yes, this. What haven’t you said here, OP, if you can say?

MrsPeannut · 19/03/2024 14:51

If this is real, wow, just wow. Your son will likely never forgive you for this so you really need to find ways to make amends.

Also waiting for a drip feed to justify this ridiculous reaction from you.

Malarandras · 19/03/2024 14:53

You could try speaking to private schools in the area but be prepared that at the first mention of his being excluded many might just say no. Your local councillor might be able to help advocate on your behalf with the local authority to get them to meet their legal duty.

lateatwork · 19/03/2024 14:53

'My son has been groomed to do this and despite all the extenuating circumstances the school have simply washed their hands of him.'

Groomed ?

Has to be more to this.

PeppermintPorpoise · 19/03/2024 14:54

CantDealwithChristmas · 19/03/2024 14:47

Yeah there's something weird going on here cos OP sdays the police believe it's CCE but at the same time that they're not charging

If they believed the son was part of a ring they'd be threatening him with charges until he gave up names

sus

They might agree based on her (likely hysterical going by this post) version of events. If hes the right kind of kid they might not push him either. I'm getting huge super precious sheltered vibes from this. Nobody familiar with the systems mentioned here would ever do this.

TextureSeeker · 19/03/2024 14:54

Eesh. My dd is 14 and weed is rife amongst them and we live in the arsehole West of Ireland. They are just stupid kids trying it out. I think at this point you have to try really hard to make this up to your son. You've blown up his life over stupid teenage experimentation instead of just talking to him and parenting him yourself. Talk to him now, apologise, go through his remaining options with him, grovel and try to salvage your relationship with him. You've fucked up big time, you need to own it and try to make amends.

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