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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think doing the "right" thing has bitten us firmly on the bum

398 replies

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 14:07

Earlier in the year I became concerned that my DS 14 was getting involved in drugs. I searched his room, talked to him at length, talked to the school, made referrals for local support services and engaged with our multi-agency referral unit to set up as much help as possible. DS maintained he wasn’t doing anything wrong and the other adults/ professionals believed him but after a week of raising concerns and talking regularly with school pastoral team, I found some cannabis in his room.

I contacted the various agencies I’d already made contact with, told them the situation had escalated and asked for help. I told school and I took the drugs to the Police Station. I self-referred to Social Services and asked for help there too.
All of which I truly believed to be the right thing to do. The full stop that he needed and a strong message to whoever was supplying the weed that this boy has a parent that won’t turn a blind eye and brush this under the carpet.
Three days later, he was suspended from school and the following week, permanently excluded.

The Headteacher sited the school policy that considers anything to do with drugs to be a reason for permanent exclusion on a first offence and that was that.

I’ve already been to the Governors appeal and they upheld the HT’s decision. Reason again being that the policy states this a circumstance where the HT can choose to permanently exclude a child.

I’m now awaiting the opportunity to appeal to the Independent Board at the local authority.

The police aren’t charging him. He had no drugs on him in school.

He’s got a pending ADHD diagnosis and has experienced 4 of the 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences so has measurable childhood trauma.
At school he had a great record, is predicted 6-7’s at GCSE and was well liked by all his teachers.

The whole experience is so incredibly far from what I thought would happen.

Our social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with.

My son has been groomed to do this and despite all the extenuating circumstances the school have simply washed their hands of him.
As it stands now, he has been out of education for over 7 weeks and there is nowhere else for him to go. None of the Pupil Referral units have any space because the number of children being excluded has skyrocketed and the Local Authority don’t have capacity to despite their legal responsibility to provide education.

I’ve waited weeks before posting here as I really hoped I’d be able to sort it out but it’s like banging my head on a wall.

Does anyone have any experience of the independent review stage or advice that could help me source any kind of education provision for him.

Edited by MNHQ: OP has asked if readers wouldn't mind reading her update to the thread before commenting - she apologises for the unintentional drip-feed here. Thanks, all.

OP posts:
ChedderGorgeous · 19/03/2024 14:11

Now you have excluded your child from school, I would do everything I could to not ruin his education if thats at all possible. Consider other schools including private.

PhamieGowsSong · 19/03/2024 14:15

Home education is a viable option. I would also look to change his social circle, get him involved in clubs and sports.

Chocochoo · 19/03/2024 14:17

Was it a small amount for personal use or was it more? I can’t tell from your post as you’ve mentioned Child Criminal Exploitation and being groomed?

Throwawayme · 19/03/2024 14:21

I appreciate that you were concerned but it's not unheard of for a teenager to experiment with weed. It's of course not right at such a young age but I don't agree that he was groomed and think your reaction was completely ott. Had you just dealt with it at home instead of involving the police, school and social services your son would still be at school.

CantDealwithChristmas · 19/03/2024 14:21

Police didn't charge so I presume it was small amount personal use.

There's sometimes a difference between Doing the Right Thing and doing right in the particular circumstances. But I appreciate it's too late for that now.

Children excluded from school are shown to have poorer life outcomes in terms of health education finances lifestyle criminal behaviour etc etc. You need to stop your son falling down this path.

I'd get your MP and a solicitor involved to challenge the exclusion decision. In the meantime, invest in some tutors so he can continue preparing for his GCSEs.

StevieNicksWannabe · 19/03/2024 14:23

I think your reaction was extreme and over the top. You started the ball rolling with official, formal organisations/processes and seem surprised that it hasn't resulted in favourable, light-touch advice or support.

Educating your son on drug issues could have been done without involving police or his school. At least as a "first offender".

MiltonNorthern · 19/03/2024 14:23

I'm not surprised referrals to PRUs have sky rocketed if schools are excluding for one incident of cannabis possession not even on school premises. That's insane.
I have to say I wouldn't have involved all those services in your position. Parenting is much more effective than external agencies in early stages. I say that as a parent of a teenage boy and a social worker. But what's done is done. You'll have to home educate until you can get him into school.

Cas112 · 19/03/2024 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Catsfrontbum · 19/03/2024 14:26

It isn’t clear that your child has been exploited and if it was clear then this is your golden ticket.

you need an advocate for him. Have you reached out to any voluntary services?

Axx · 19/03/2024 14:27

Omg, you've really done him in here.

I would be looking at private options to get him back into school asap.

How's your relationship now? I can't imagine doing what you did. Who on earth advised you to do that?

Freakinfraser · 19/03/2024 14:27

Wow. You really went to town. I’ve never heard of anyone reacting in such a way, even before they found a small amount of weed. Why couldn’t you talk to him and resolve it, why did you do so so much to ruin his education? What did you possibly think would happen if you started telling the world your son was a druggie?

sprigatito · 19/03/2024 14:28

Is your relationship with your son ok? Isn't he angry? I think you need family therapy. He needs to express how he feels about his changed future and what has happened to him, and I'm afraid you need to understand what a betrayal this is, and how destructive your actions have been. A bit of weed is the very least of your problems, and you're going to need his trust back so that you can start rebuilding his future.

CantDealwithChristmas · 19/03/2024 14:28

Catsfrontbum · 19/03/2024 14:26

It isn’t clear that your child has been exploited and if it was clear then this is your golden ticket.

you need an advocate for him. Have you reached out to any voluntary services?

This is an excellent point. OP, you, said: "Our social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with."

Can you get a written statement from one or more of the people on the strategy board?

Also, if it was CCE, is he helping the police as a witness? This could also be put forward as an extenuating circumstance.

KingNidge · 19/03/2024 14:29

How much hash was it? I'm surprised you involved anyone else if it was a small amount for personal use. This should have been dealt with by you as you would if it was fags or alcohol.

Most schools now have a no drugs policy, I'm not sure what you thought you'd achieve by reporting it and I can't see why you involved the police or social services.

Have you looked at private options or tutors? You owe your child this.

PinguLovesPippa · 19/03/2024 14:29

DS is entitled to a full time education from the sixth day after his exclusion. Keep on at the LA to provide this. It does not matter if all the PRUs are full, the duty still stands.

Shogunspretzel · 19/03/2024 14:29

I think your action was extreme to a redic extent. I also think you should have thought about the potential ramifications of your actions. Did you look at the school's policy before acting?

What was the reason for being so dramatic? Also can you expand on the grooming and why you think it's the case?

PaminaMozart · 19/03/2024 14:29

Both you and the school overreacted, but it's your son who is left with the consequences of your rash intervention.

Best you can do now is focus on homeschooling him, with appropriate tutor support, while you continue to try and find a school that will accept him.

Freakinfraser · 19/03/2024 14:31

Can’t believe what I’m reading. That poor lad, he was doing well at school too. It’s game over unless she can afford to private educate him. PRUs are not going to be a positive experience.

imagine taking your own son down like this.

SirenSays · 19/03/2024 14:32

Oh what a mess OP. What options have you considered?
Private school? Home educating?

Saschka · 19/03/2024 14:33

I contacted the various agencies I’d already made contact with, told them the situation had escalated and asked for help. I told school and I took the drugs to the Police Station. I self-referred to Social Services and asked for help there too.
All of which I truly believed to be the right thing to do

I am absolutely horrified reading this. With all due respect, this was absolutely nuts, a ridiculous over-reaction to finding a bit of weed in your son’s room (I am assuming it was a small amount for personal use, not blocks of the stuff for dealing). You called social services, the school and the police over a bit of weed in his bedroom? Most people would chuck it in the bin and have a serious word with their child.

You say he already has had multiple adverse childhood events. Now he has been excluded from school due to your actions. You’ve wrecked his GCSE chances. It is sheer luck you didn’t also get him a criminal record. If you are trying to encourage him to get involved in gangs, you are going the right way about it by destroying any other chance of employment or education that he might have had. How on earth did you think that any of this would be helpful to him? FFS back off and let him to try to pick up the pieces of his life. You are lucky he is even speaking to you.

Freakinfraser · 19/03/2024 14:34

What other traumatic events has he had, was this also due to you or his other parent?

I feel so sorry for him. What a waste. I really hope he gets back into a decent school and that all the authorities can understand this was an extreme over the top reaction from a parent who didn’t know better.

HeadNorth · 19/03/2024 14:37

As you had such a disproportionate response, how can you complain when the School has the same? You had your opportunity to be light touch with a way back for your son - and decided to go nuclear. Your child is now experiencing the fall out of your nuclear reaction. If I was him, I would never forgive you.

ChedderGorgeous · 19/03/2024 14:37

On reflection, unless a lot of story has been left out, this is so crazy I'm inclined to not believe the story.

GoonieGang · 19/03/2024 14:37

You need to badger the social worker regarding his education. He has a right to it and they should be there to assist.
It’s critical for his future that you make this the priority.
In the mean time can you pay for some tutoring or ask if social services can help?

RhubarbGingerJam · 19/03/2024 14:40

I think your reaction was extreme and over the top. You started the ball rolling with official, formal organisations/processes and seem surprised that it hasn't resulted in favourable, light-touch advice or support.

This is harsh but sadly I think true - I'd have tried talking to him first and would have contacted organisations for things much more serious.

Can you afford private school - if you can find one to take him?

Otherwise homeschooling - https://kingsinterhigh.co.uk/ on-line might be worth looking at.

Pretty sure the LEA has a legal requirement to provide some form of education - so assume you've been on at them so what are they saying - is a managed move possible or other school with a place he could be offered.

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