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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think doing the "right" thing has bitten us firmly on the bum

398 replies

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 14:07

Earlier in the year I became concerned that my DS 14 was getting involved in drugs. I searched his room, talked to him at length, talked to the school, made referrals for local support services and engaged with our multi-agency referral unit to set up as much help as possible. DS maintained he wasn’t doing anything wrong and the other adults/ professionals believed him but after a week of raising concerns and talking regularly with school pastoral team, I found some cannabis in his room.

I contacted the various agencies I’d already made contact with, told them the situation had escalated and asked for help. I told school and I took the drugs to the Police Station. I self-referred to Social Services and asked for help there too.
All of which I truly believed to be the right thing to do. The full stop that he needed and a strong message to whoever was supplying the weed that this boy has a parent that won’t turn a blind eye and brush this under the carpet.
Three days later, he was suspended from school and the following week, permanently excluded.

The Headteacher sited the school policy that considers anything to do with drugs to be a reason for permanent exclusion on a first offence and that was that.

I’ve already been to the Governors appeal and they upheld the HT’s decision. Reason again being that the policy states this a circumstance where the HT can choose to permanently exclude a child.

I’m now awaiting the opportunity to appeal to the Independent Board at the local authority.

The police aren’t charging him. He had no drugs on him in school.

He’s got a pending ADHD diagnosis and has experienced 4 of the 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences so has measurable childhood trauma.
At school he had a great record, is predicted 6-7’s at GCSE and was well liked by all his teachers.

The whole experience is so incredibly far from what I thought would happen.

Our social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with.

My son has been groomed to do this and despite all the extenuating circumstances the school have simply washed their hands of him.
As it stands now, he has been out of education for over 7 weeks and there is nowhere else for him to go. None of the Pupil Referral units have any space because the number of children being excluded has skyrocketed and the Local Authority don’t have capacity to despite their legal responsibility to provide education.

I’ve waited weeks before posting here as I really hoped I’d be able to sort it out but it’s like banging my head on a wall.

Does anyone have any experience of the independent review stage or advice that could help me source any kind of education provision for him.

Edited by MNHQ: OP has asked if readers wouldn't mind reading her update to the thread before commenting - she apologises for the unintentional drip-feed here. Thanks, all.

OP posts:
Okonimiyaki · 19/03/2024 16:45

PLEASE read the OPs update by clicking all posts. This was not just a bit of weed.
Her son is a dealer. No idea what you do in this situation but I don't think she was massively OTT.

RedToothBrush · 19/03/2024 16:46

Freakinfraser · 19/03/2024 14:27

Wow. You really went to town. I’ve never heard of anyone reacting in such a way, even before they found a small amount of weed. Why couldn’t you talk to him and resolve it, why did you do so so much to ruin his education? What did you possibly think would happen if you started telling the world your son was a druggie?

I think trying parenting before involving externel bodies probably would have been the normal / sane path that most other people would follow. This is doing the right thing. The school/socialservces/police etc wouldn't see this as 'doing the wrong thing'. But nope you hit the nuclear button and now keep telling yourself you did the right thing.

His education is one thing. Hows your relationship with him going?

Poor kid.

Charlize43 · 19/03/2024 16:47

Wow!

Maybe tell him that he will inherit the house and that you are leaving him a large inheritance.

Beautiful3 · 19/03/2024 16:49

Personally I feel like you went over the top, with telling everyone. Most parents deal with it at home. Telling everyone isn't always the best policy. Most kids do experiment and I feel sorry for him, because nows he's missing school and everyone knows.

Chocochoo · 19/03/2024 16:50

Does anyone ever read all of the OP’s posts before commenting? This is tedious.

PaperDoIIs · 19/03/2024 16:50

Beautiful3 · 19/03/2024 16:49

Personally I feel like you went over the top, with telling everyone. Most parents deal with it at home. Telling everyone isn't always the best policy. Most kids do experiment and I feel sorry for him, because nows he's missing school and everyone knows.

And how many threads are on here from parents who tried to deal with it at home and now they're a few years on and things have just gotten worse and worse?

Okonimiyaki · 19/03/2024 16:53

Chocochoo · 19/03/2024 16:50

Does anyone ever read all of the OP’s posts before commenting? This is tedious.

Apparently not..The OPs son is a dealer and its county lines territory. Most kidd don't do that.

I feel for you, OP.

Zyq · 19/03/2024 16:54

The school is acting unlawfully in excluding your child for something which, so far as I can tell, has nothing whatsoever to do with them. It's fine for them to exclude for having drugs on school premises, but not at home.

You need to contact one of the exclusion support organisations who can help with the independent review panel hearing - e.g.
https://schoolexclusionproject.com/
https://www.gardencourtchambers.co.uk/areas-of-law/education-law/school-inclusion-project-sip/sao
http://cenlive.org/exclusions
https://schoolexclusionshub.org.uk/

meemawww · 19/03/2024 16:55

So because you found a bit of weed you went into school and got your son expelled?? How can they expel him for doing something in his own time? Something isn't right about this but you've really fucked your kid over here for a bit of weed absolute madness!!

3WildOnes · 19/03/2024 16:55

I've read your update. I would forget about appealing the schools decision. He sounded miserable there and surrounded by bad influences anyway. I also think you would have little chance of success since he was caught selling vapes previously.

My original questions stand.
Can you afford private education?
Can you afford private online schooling?
Can you afford to give up work to homeschool whilst you wait for a suitable school place?

Can you move house?
Does he respect your boundaries at home?

I would be trying to surround him with positive influences. Get him involved in as may extra curricular activities as you can. Scouts, air cadets, football, drama...whatever he is interested in and as many as you can afford.

ThisGreyPoster · 19/03/2024 16:56

I would not be trying to get him into a PRU unit. Can you move a fair bit away? Or home educate?
He needs to be physically kept away from the older gang he has made friends with.

PaperDoIIs · 19/03/2024 16:56

@RedToothBrush .

OP's child is a vulnerable a child. A child with ACEs, SEN, that has been bullied, excluded by peers, struggles with school refusal and isolation AND has been groomed twice!!!

This is not something you just parent out of a kid and fix without professional support. OP's only mistake was either not knowing the school's drug policy or stance, or naively thinking his vulnerability and specific circumstances will protect him, and the school would offer help and support rather than exclusion.

141mum · 19/03/2024 16:57

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 15:17

Yes I guess there is a massive drip feed.

I didn't go into all the other background stuff as we are where we are. What I was hoping for was some advice on appeals.

Thanks to all the kind, empathetic people who've called me stupid etc. Excellent work there on building people up when they're in need.

His father was abusive, alcoholic and eventually removed by the police 6 years ago, when my sons were 5 and 8. We all had family therapy via DV charities and Barnados.

We've rebuilt our lives or had until DS turned 13 and changed overnight it seemed into a completely different boy.

I've spent the last 18 months learning about the teenage brain and trying to support him. He was displaying more and more ADHD traits and his behaviour at school was briefly problematic last spring when he appeared to be involved in an older gang who were asking him to deliver vapes to other kids. He and another friend did this for a few days before being caught. The other friend had a terrible record at school and this was the final straw for him. My DS was the year below and seemed that he was just trying to fit in.

The school insisted that he name all the other children that he'd given vapes to and one of the names was a child who's parent works in the school (in Safeguarding)

My son was subsequently bullied and ostracised by this boy and his entire year group. He had no friends and no one in his corner through the summer term and the holidays when he started hanging out with even older kids of 16/17.

On returning to school in september he was still desperately unhappy and refusing school... I was working with school, he was allocated a youth worker and by November was in a better place although by this point we were aware he was smoking cannabis occassionally as he said it calmed his mind and he was feeling really angry a lot and self-harming by punching walls/doors.

Despite these emotional and mental health challenges he was still doing well in school when he would go in and as I said in OP, all teachers liked him, he's a smart and lovely boy. But troubled. I was keeping the lines of communciation open between school, his youth worker and me. I've been completely open about all the previous childhood trauma and his emerging neurodiversity.

After Christmas, his behaviour got more extreme and he started saying things and doing things that made me more concerned that he was doing more than smoking a bit of weed. Which is where I started my OP... I was very concerned that he was dealing or running for someone so I put all the support in place I could think of.

I spoke at length with a mum of a now 22 year old crack addicted lad who started running at 14 and her advise was get every bit of help you can in now while he's still young enough to have to listen. If he's 16 it will be too late. Her boy has been in prison twice now and she said if she had her time again then she'd have gone heavy at the beginning instead of trying to deal with it herself.

I sat him down and chatted about what he was up to, he swore blind he wasn't doing anything... but I knew there was a difference.

So I took to checking his room. 3 days nothing. Day 4, a new bag. With 10g of weed all divided up ready to deliver.

So at that point it was imperative to act. I couldn't just bin it. That would have potentially ended him up in debt to dealers.

I couldn't tell him in case he ran away to them and got sucked in deeper.

I did what I had been told was the right thing and what I felt was the right thing given the escalation of the situation over many months.

I've just written another essay here and have to go on a school run for my other son so I apologise for the drip feed but the bare facts still remain the same.

I feel so sorry for you, how scary, all you wanted to do was keep him safe. By the reactions by some on here I think they live in a dream world.
try to get him school work at home,he is entitled to an education I really wouldn’t send him to a school referral unit, worst place for him
go to local MP and state he’s not receiving his education
let me know how you get on. X

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 19/03/2024 16:57

Schools can exclude for conduct off school grounds, actually, but it's worth the appeal - even if the appeal concludes that he should have been offered a managed move that would still clear his record.

OP, the bigger question for you is whether it's safe for him to go back or whether you all need a fresh start out of area with a lot of external support/counselling, given the circumstances. Flowers

141mum · 19/03/2024 16:59

Springcat · 19/03/2024 16:06

Dear god
What am I reading
Do you not like your son or something.
We are supposed to be on their side as parents,you know fighting their corner .
Wow
How are you going to put this right op
I suggest you enroll him in private school asap to get through his exams
It's the least you should be doing
Find the money ,or you risk loosing him completely,gosh you really know how to reck someones life

Good god

Okonimiyaki · 19/03/2024 16:59

My heart really goes out to the OP. She has had a really hard life already. I have no useful advice as no experience of this OP, but hugs. I see you are trying to do your best.

StillCreatingAName · 19/03/2024 17:01

OP if your overall situation enables you to move, I also agree with pp about making a fresh start too. It’s not kicking the can further down the road, it’s giving your DS -and you- another chance. I hope you’re ok OP @dontpokethemommabear despite what everyone else posts, they don’t truly know what they would do any better, or worse, until they’re actually in a similar situation with their own dc.

OriginalUsername2 · 19/03/2024 17:01

Isn’t it disgusting how so many mothers will all pile onto a mother in distress.

tolerable · 19/03/2024 17:02

i hate how you are being crucified for this- i think your lack of understanding of how the "local authorities"operate is NOT actuaally unusual.they are terrible

BaconMassive · 19/03/2024 17:02

Surprised the school excluded for this as really it is an incident outside of their jurisdiction. One that was self-reported. Children should be supported when they make mistakes. The problem with our system is that children can easily end up on the education scrapheap. As I understand none of this has happened on school grounds.

Obviously the child has started the cycle themselves but the OP has only tried to do what they thought best to nip it in the bud. Maybe a mistake, on both counts, but where is the tolerance in our society for mistakes? For a child so young and potentially vulnerable I can see no way that this helps them. It's a very hard lesson and it could be that it shocks them into reformed behaviour but in my opinion is more likely to lead to further ostracisation and social abandonment.

Was it one of these schools that prioritises exam outcomes over everything else? Whatever happened to nurturing the whole child?

user8800 · 19/03/2024 17:02

OK.
You won't get him back into his old school. Not with that amount for distribution. You're wasting your time.
The school policy is clear.
Start contacting schools/looking at online learning.
I'm sorry op, I think you've had a hard time on this thread due to the drip feed of info

Whereareallthemillionaires · 19/03/2024 17:04

CantDealwithChristmas · 19/03/2024 15:22

So I took to checking his room. 3 days nothing. Day 4, a new bag. With 10g of weed all divided up ready to deliver.

OOOOHHH-KAAAYYYY that changes everything. That's a lotta lotta weed. Yes I can better understand why you did what you did.

My advice: solicitor, your MP, challenge the independent board decision. In meantime get a tutor and push for school place.

10g really isn’t a lot of weed at all. Goodness me it’s a tiny amount.
Im guessing by divided up you mean enough for separate joints but with 10 g you are not going to get many out of that.
Are you sure that’s to sell on and not for personal use.

Whilst any drug addiction needs addressing I think you may have shot yourself and your son in the foot here.

Capmagturk · 19/03/2024 17:04

Absolutely ridiculous reaction on your part on finding a small amount of weed for the first time! Poor, poor boy.

Pennyandolive · 19/03/2024 17:05

I agree with posters who are advising you try to find an entirely different school for your son. Or, if possible to move to a new area ((although I appreciate this is far from easy).

im sorry you’ve been given such a hard time on here. It sounds like you’ve had such a hard few years in an abusing relationship and then trying to rebuild your lives and now dealing with this…and yet all some posters care about is sticking the boot in about your posts. I really hope things work out for you and your son.

Minymile · 19/03/2024 17:09

Okonimiyaki · 19/03/2024 16:45

PLEASE read the OPs update by clicking all posts. This was not just a bit of weed.
Her son is a dealer. No idea what you do in this situation but I don't think she was massively OTT.

She assumes her son is a dealer as the weed is all divided up.
We are talking about a tiny tiny amount here.
10g, that’s not exactly big dealer territory

It could just as easily be divided up for himself.
Yes this means he has a drug problem but, no, it doesn’t mean he’s necessarily a dealer.

OP should have given him the benefit of the doubt, first and foremost!