to think doing the "right" thing has bitten us firmly on the bum

[dontpokethemommabear]

Earlier in the year I became concerned that my DS 14 was getting involved in drugs. I searched his room, talked to him at length, talked to the school, made referrals for local support services and engaged with our multi-agency referral unit to set up as much help as possible. DS maintained he wasn’t doing anything wrong and the other adults/ professionals believed him but after a week of raising concerns and talking regularly with school pastoral team, I found some cannabis in his room.

I contacted the various agencies I’d already made contact with, told them the situation had escalated and asked for help. I told school and I took the drugs to the Police Station. I self-referred to Social Services and asked for help there too.
All of which I truly believed to be the right thing to do. The full stop that he needed and a strong message to whoever was supplying the weed that this boy has a parent that won’t turn a blind eye and brush this under the carpet.
Three days later, he was suspended from school and the following week, permanently excluded.

The Headteacher sited the school policy that considers anything to do with drugs to be a reason for permanent exclusion on a first offence and that was that.

I’ve already been to the Governors appeal and they upheld the HT’s decision. Reason again being that the policy states this a circumstance where the HT can choose to permanently exclude a child.

I’m now awaiting the opportunity to appeal to the Independent Board at the local authority.

The police aren’t charging him. He had no drugs on him in school.

He’s got a pending ADHD diagnosis and has experienced 4 of the 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences so has measurable childhood trauma.
At school he had a great record, is predicted 6-7’s at GCSE and was well liked by all his teachers.

The whole experience is so incredibly far from what I thought would happen.

Our social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with.

My son has been groomed to do this and despite all the extenuating circumstances the school have simply washed their hands of him.
As it stands now, he has been out of education for over 7 weeks and there is nowhere else for him to go. None of the Pupil Referral units have any space because the number of children being excluded has skyrocketed and the Local Authority don’t have capacity to despite their legal responsibility to provide education.

I’ve waited weeks before posting here as I really hoped I’d be able to sort it out but it’s like banging my head on a wall.

Does anyone have any experience of the independent review stage or advice that could help me source any kind of education provision for him.

Edited by MNHQ: OP has asked if readers wouldn't mind reading her update to the thread before commenting - she apologises for the unintentional drip-feed here. Thanks, all.

You don't agree? WHO are you? What facts do you have?

If the social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation who the heck are you to have any opposing view.

This is a major issue. Clueless people with absolutely zero inside knowledge thinking that they have a valid opinion. The world would be a whole lot better off if people stopped being like you.

With your update it makes complete sense why the school got rid of him, I'm actually surprised they all weren't kicked out over the vapes tbh.
Is there a beacon school anywhere near you? If not, could he do homeschooling and have tutors in a couple of times a week until you can find him another school?

How have the agencies come to that conclusion for a small amount for personal use (can't be anything else with no charges)

Sorry but if this is true you have ruined your kids life over a bit of weed, that you could have sat down and talked to him about, with resources online. How did you think this was going to go? You went to THE POLICE over a small amount of weed. Im actually gobsmacked. Might as well add another trauma onto his list. Well done!

The OP did a drip feed. Her ds is involved in gangs and is a dealer.

Well yeah I'm not surprised it hasn't gone well, you massively overreacted by reporting your child to the police. Damage is done really, but I'd be trying to mitigate it by getting him into a new good school ASAP.

Sorry re: my post above didn't read updates, didn't realise he was a dealer, that alters my view.

Come on people! It was clear from the first post that it wasn't just a bit of weed.

No it wasn't. Hence almost everyone not gleaning that. Update changes everything.

Did you not read her other post? She spoke with another mother of a 22 year old who has been in and out of prison and who said she wishes she had gone in heavy at the start.

The OPs ds is dealing. He had portioned out packets. This is a slippery slope. The OP had to make a decision. I think it's appalling that the school hasn't taken a more cooperative approach. The drugs were not on him at school.

The whole community needs to be involved in rehabilitation. Not throwing him out into the wilderness.

You need to read OP’s massive dripfeed on p2 - her son has been involved with a gang for years, was almost excluded from school for selling vapes for them last year, poor school attendance since then, and has now progressed to selling weed for them, she found a large stash of weed bagged up ready to be sold in his room, not just a small amount for personal use.

Obviously totally changes the story, and thus the advice.

You did what you felt was best in the situation OP. My sister started smoking weed when she was 14/15 and it escalated pretty quickly from there. She developed intense paranoia. It wasn’t just trying. I wish my parents took the route you did, even if it meant getting excluded from school. There is always the option of home education and you might want to explore colleges/Further education centres. I worked in a college which took on you people from age of 14 and they were able to compete their maths/English GCSEs at the college. I would definitely recommend changing his social circle also. I know how scary and anxiety providing this is for you. You are only trying to protect your child 💐

I think it's appalling that the school hasn't taken a more cooperative approach. The drugs were not on him at school.

From the school’s perspective, he was caught dealing vapes last year, the rest of the gang were expelled but he was given a second chance, per OP’s update he’s had very poor school attendance since, and he has now been found to be dealing weed.

I feel for OP, but I can see the school’s point of view tbh. I think that bridge has been burned, and she’d be better off finding a different school where he can start afresh.

I. Ant see anything about the rest of the gang. There was one older boy who was expelled as he had a track record. The other boy in OPs sons year who bought vapes including safeguarding persuasion were not expelled.

I think your DS needs a fresh start at a new school entirely.

So could you appeal and ask for a managed move to another school? Use the ADHD and trauma/bullying as reasons and get the social worker on side to support? That is what I would be aiming for in your situation. Was this offered at all at the outset?

I think you're full of shit OP but if you're not & this was your actual response to a few joints in your 14 year old boys room; than you seriously need to rethink your parenting and beg him for forgiveness for ruining his future.

Also is he in Year 9 or 10 and how far into his GCSE courses? Year 9 would be far easier to switch and start at another school.

Dear god
What am I reading
Do you not like your son or something.
We are supposed to be on their side as parents,you know fighting their corner .
Wow
How are you going to put this right op
I suggest you enroll him in private school asap to get through his exams
It's the least you should be doing
Find the money ,or you risk loosing him completely,gosh you really know how to reck someones life

Oh my god you went WAAAYYYY OTT over a bit of weed!!!!!

He was probably smoking a bit just to deal with his ADHD symptoms

Who on earth reports their child to the coppers!! Unless they're literally going to harm themselves or others.

How long before this thread gets taken down
Because op is upset by the comments

A whole new school or hell area would be much much better. You need to keep him away from the people who he knows because that’s where he keeps getting involved.

If possible I would genuinely move house, move school, new phone with new number without a chance for him to move across any contacts. Lock that phone down so he cannot download snap chat or Facebook book or any apps without prior approval. Also ban the webpages for WhatsApp and insta and that in the safari pages. Whole new life basically.

I'm sorry OP but I agree with others. Your reaction was extreme and disproportionate. Many teenagers try a bit of a weed, I certainly did. In that situation I would have had some serious conversations with him, maybe given him a punishment and kept an eye on things. I feel that the current situation is far more damaging to his mental health and to his life prospects than a trying a bit of weed.

Any chance of a managed move or is it too late? Have you tried looking at other schools and see if any of them will take him? Preferably one with an SEN/Thrive unit or excellent pastoral care.

I don't blame you for doing what you did. You definitely did the right thing, even without the backstory. It's clear your kid is vulnerable and what he needs is help and support. His school either can't or won't provide that so I think that's a dead end. Plus, he's being miserable and bullied there. Moving him is actually a good thing , and hopefully it will help distance him from whatever kids are involved this time.

Is he under CAHMS? Or can you afford private therapy? You need to tackle the cause, not just the symptoms.

How is your relationship now? How is he feeling?

Good luck to you both.

Hi @dontpokethemommabear i work in exclusions as part of my day job. Hopefully I can help with some practical advice.

At IRP stage, you have a couple of options. You are entitled to have a SEND expert present at the IRP meeting at no cost to you. Ask the organisation who are arranging the IRP hearing to arrange this for you. The SEND expert gives their perspective at the hearing on how SEND may have impacted the exclusion. This is one angle you can challenge given your son has ADHD.

There are a couple of organisations that can support parents with IRPs with legal advice. They may be able to provide someone to go to the IRP hearing with you. Google school exclusion project or child law advice.

The IRP can’t reinstate your child to the school. The ‘strongest’ power they have is to quash the governors decision and direct the governor panel to reconsider. The governor panel then has two choices. One, agree with IRP and overturn the exclusion and direct school to reinstate your child or two, disagree with IRP decision and uphold the exclusion. If they disagree with IRP decision your only course of action or appeal is to seek a judicial review at your expense.

If you think you have a strong case it is worth going to IRP even if you don’t want your child to go back to the school they were excluded from because if the IRP quashes the decision, the governor panel may overturn the exclusion and direct your child to be reinstated and this essentially means the exclusion no longer ‘exists’ if you’re trying to find an alternative school place for your child under normal in year admissions processes (any parent can apply to any school for a place at any time)

As others have said, keep badgering the LA to fulfil their legal duty for full time education from the 6th day. This is the law and just because they don’t have space anywhere doesn’t mean they can ignore the law.

I would also suggest you google ‘DfE and ACPO drug advice for schools’ This document, whilst old, makes it clear that schools should not have zero tolerance policies to drug possession and should not automatically exclude pupils without full consideration of the circumstances. My view would be that this is another angle you could challenge at IRP, that the Headteacher’s decision and subsequent governor panel decision to uphold was not necessarily lawful, rational, fair and proportionate (lang used in DfE exclusions guidance) because it was zero tolerance and didn’t take into account the specific circumstances of your child.

You really did go in full guns blazing, but your concerns turned out to be valid.

I'd be really pissed off if my DC's school knew that another child was involved with drugs but continued to let them be present in the school.
They have a duty of care to the other DC and as your son lied, and continued to lie about being involved when first asked and the fact you seem to feel he's being groomed he could also encourage others to go down the same route.
I don't blame them for excluding him.

O.M.G. stop 'helping' him and ask someone else to actually help him.